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Old 05-26-2009, 05:23 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,216 posts, read 20,231,422 times
Reputation: 6325

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoneWolf88 View Post
My wife of 3 years recently left me, quite suddenly and caught me by surprise, but come to find out that she has had a boyfriend for 6 months and a bunch of other crap. We have a 2.5 year old daughter and a 4.5 month old son who i am wondering is even mine now(will be getting dna test for both). But i was curious what is some advice anyone can offer me to get through this? I am filing for divorce tommorow because it will force her to come back to Georgia to fight it if she wants to, or get anything done. She is in West Va right now. We both want custody but neither of us is working right now so im probably going to just try and get joint custody of the kids. It seems like my life pretty much has been turned upside down all of a sudden in the last 2.5 weeks. She has told me she does not love me like she used but loves me more as a friend.I really dont see what i can do about this but she picked a lousy time to run off, i am having back surgery in the next 6 weeks and really needed her support and help. She stated yesterday that she gave up on our marriage more than a year ago before she got pregnant with our son. I can not understand why she would then get pregnant but she stated it was to try and fix our marriage. Sorry for the long rant but i had to tell someone. So ask questions if you want give me some advice etc.....I just need and want some understanding souls here to help however you can as far as words can help.
Google DNA Diagnostic centers. They can come to you if need be.
There are different types of tests, one is over $500 and is admissible in court. The other is cheaper and can be done yourself. All it is is Qtips where you get saliva from the mouth, then seal it and send in.

I know what it's like to need back surgery and have a spouse that can't deal with it. It's the pits. I don't see how you can even care for 2 young kids after surgery. Good chance you'll be down up to a year. I didn't drive for 8 months after my 2nd.

Take it one step at a time.
I'd imagine she has the kids in another state?
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Old 05-26-2009, 06:01 AM
 
Location: In God's country
1,059 posts, read 2,360,030 times
Reputation: 608
I'm sorry your going through this. I know all too well what its like. I'll just leave it at that.
But, i would file first. Think and re-think about the joint custody, and what you are willing to do. Are you going to be okay with her being in another state and the visitation being for only so long. Or would you push for the idea of her to reside in the same state as you so that you may have visitation with the children often through out the month. Your children are young, and its very crucial that the bond is kept and not forgotten over time and the time lapse in between visits. You have to really concentrate on the parenting plan that will be laid out. Remember...its all about the children. I'm sorry the relationship is over, and how she went about it, but....two innocent children have no say in the matter.
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Old 05-26-2009, 06:49 AM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 8,229,079 times
Reputation: 2772
My advice is the kids come first! You are in a shocked state right now but the damage that can be done to the kids will follow them through their life.

When my ex and I decided it was time to divorce, I laid down some ground rules. # 1 was my kids are NOT wepons to be used to get any revenge. # 2, the divorce was about me and him and NOT anything to do with the kids, therefore, they would be left out of it. # 3, the kids were never to hear one of us speak bad about the other. # 4-- We would ALWAYS stand together, in agreement, any bitterness or anger set aside for the betterment of the kids.. # 5, We would be best friends as far as the kids were concerned and keep each other informed about the kids.

We also agreed to no custody battle, that we both would have a open door policy so the kids could come and go at either house as they wanted..

Here we are over 20 years later and he and I are STILL friends and our kids were not put through any bitterness or anger and we sure cheated them out of them playing one of us against the other (and we had one that really tried but failed). We BOTH can go to one of the kids house for a BBQ and spend the day talking like the old friends we are. I love him as I do any old friend and he still loves me.

Make YOUR divorce as easy as possiable for the kids, put aside your own needs for revenge, anger and whatever ill feelings you have towards her FOR THE KIDS! She will always BE their mother and they will always love her and YOU will always be their father... respect THAT!
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Old 05-26-2009, 07:29 AM
 
13 posts, read 42,142 times
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should you postpone the surgery for now?

so its one less thing and your there for the kids?
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Old 05-26-2009, 07:56 AM
 
1,184 posts, read 2,428,809 times
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I agree with postponing the back surgery if possible. These next few months will be stressful, hard and take all of your energy to withstand, being bed ridden is the worst place you can be if something dramatic happens, or requires your presence. I know back pain can do you in, but if you can make it another 6 months to a year before the surgery hits, you will be in a better place. Nothing is worse than being physically unable to get up and fix what needs your attention. Trust me!

If you go for the surgery, it is a good possibility that she may use that against you in court (that you are not mobile, sick, etc), which I have no doubt (based on your description of her) she would do.

The next thing is I would shoot for full custody if possible (and settle on joint custody), remember she cheated on you with old boy, so you are the wronged party in the courts eyes, as well as she has abandoned the relationship.

And yes, I do believe it is all but necessary to get the DNA test. Even if you get an initial test just for your well being, and not bring the courts into it (she also does not need to know). Get that test, and if the kids are not yours, then do the court test. Good luck bro, keep your head up and your mind strong.
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Old 05-26-2009, 11:24 AM
 
271 posts, read 132,929 times
Reputation: 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
Google DNA Diagnostic centers. They can come to you if need be.
There are different types of tests, one is over $500 and is admissible in court. The other is cheaper and can be done yourself. All it is is Qtips where you get saliva from the mouth, then seal it and send in.

I know what it's like to need back surgery and have a spouse that can't deal with it. It's the pits. I don't see how you can even care for 2 young kids after surgery. Good chance you'll be down up to a year. I didn't drive for 8 months after my 2nd.

Take it one step at a time.
I'd imagine she has the kids in another state?

Yes she has the kids with her in West Virginia i am in Georgia. She said i could come get them for 3 weeks but i can't handle both kids at once when i can barely move around myself. But today is the day, i messaged her to make sure its what she wants...i am truly hoping she will see one day the mistake she is making and come back to me because no matter how mad and hurt she has made me ill always love her. I can barely bring myself to even file the divorce papers but i want this done with before i leave for another state. As far as the back surgery the doc says its minor and routine, my father has had the same surgery twice and he walked out of the hospital 3 days later with a stiff back so hopefully i wont be down very long. Time shall tell. Thanks for the advice and kind words.
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Old 05-26-2009, 11:27 AM
 
271 posts, read 132,929 times
Reputation: 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cal_Angel View Post
should you postpone the surgery for now?

so its one less thing and your there for the kids?

Well the surgery is minor so its not really a problem, the problem is the disc is pushing against a nerve in my back and it affects my leg movement and i cant walk very well so its actually very disabling to me therefore i cant really take care of my kids, i am sure everyone knows a 2 year old gets into everything she can and my son well he needs constant attention as well...
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Old 05-26-2009, 11:34 AM
 
Location: southern california
55,237 posts, read 72,453,647 times
Reputation: 47456
get a lawyer get counseling you now face one of the worst things that happens to men in their life, your best friend becomes your worst enemy and your children are used as hostages in a deadly game to turn you into a penniless slave. 50% divorce rate 75% filed by women. if there is a god, there will be retribution, its guna happen. were all those men really bad? 42 million since 1975.
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Old 05-26-2009, 11:37 AM
 
Location: following the wind of change
2,279 posts, read 3,421,570 times
Reputation: 4374
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laura707 View Post
My advice is the kids come first! You are in a shocked state right now but the damage that can be done to the kids will follow them through their life.

When my ex and I decided it was time to divorce, I laid down some ground rules. # 1 was my kids are NOT wepons to be used to get any revenge. # 2, the divorce was about me and him and NOT anything to do with the kids, therefore, they would be left out of it. # 3, the kids were never to hear one of us speak bad about the other. # 4-- We would ALWAYS stand together, in agreement, any bitterness or anger set aside for the betterment of the kids.. # 5, We would be best friends as far as the kids were concerned and keep each other informed about the kids.
I really commend you for this Laura. I wish all divorcing couples have a mindset like this and especially for the children. I've seen and heard too many battlefields fought over this.

I did have the same mindset when the ex and I split up but unfortunately I married someone with an emotional maturity of a 15-year-old self-absorbed boy. You got luckier than I did
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Old 05-27-2009, 05:51 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,216 posts, read 20,231,422 times
Reputation: 6325
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoneWolf88 View Post
Well the surgery is minor so its not really a problem, the problem is the disc is pushing against a nerve in my back and it affects my leg movement and i cant walk very well so its actually very disabling to me therefore i cant really take care of my kids, i am sure everyone knows a 2 year old gets into everything she can and my son well he needs constant attention as well...
What are you having done? Nucleoplasty or a fusion?

I've had both, if they are fusing, you are gonna be down a while.
My 1st one wasn't as bad as the 2nd as they only put an LT cage in, the 2nd they added rods to that.

She's a weak person if she leaves someone in that situation.
For better or worst. You didn't ask for this.
What usually happens is karma will get her.

Please don't treat the kids any different until you are 100% sure who they belong to. I speak from experience. I learned in my 40's that my dad might not be my dad; and being his favorite and how close we were, I was devastated. It still hurts me that he couldn't die peacefully; once he'd lived long enough for the DNA nurse to come out, he could go and he did. He did not live to see the results.
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