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Old 05-27-2009, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Victoria TX
42,668 posts, read 71,523,609 times
Reputation: 35864

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Your marriage is over, and you are not going to get it back. Let it go.

It's not clear from your post who wants primary custody of the kids. Probably she does, and she's probably in a better position to give them a steady home life. For now, let them go.

You will save many thousands of dollars in legal costs for a divorce if you and your wife shut yourselves in a room and don't come out until you agree on EVERYTHING. Then get a cheap uncontested divorce.

You say you are both still friends, and still respect each other. This is the strongest card in your hand. Let everything go for now, and continue to be an understanding friend to your wife and a caring father, even if distant, to your children. Some day in the future, she will respect you for that, and you will be welcomed into the lives of your children. It doesn't sound like she is a bad or an unreasonable person, she just made some poor choices. Poor choices can destroy a person, but if she still has you as a supportive friend, things will work out OK for her, too.

Let your wife and kids go. Get your back surgery, get back on your feet, get a good job, keep in touch. Cry it out and get over it. Don't let them destroy you. "Doing the right thing" will pay you handsomely in the future, which at your age, is very long. Give it time. You both sound like good people. Your lives will go where they will---just don't do anything to hurt each other.

Forget about the DNA. They are the children of a woman who will always be good to you, if you are good to her. as you go your separate but connected ways through life. Yes, you'l miss your kids, but they are too young to know you and miss your. They'll get along fine. You'll have more kids some day.
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Old 05-27-2009, 03:57 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,158 posts, read 20,195,772 times
Reputation: 6200
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88 View Post
Let everything go for now, and continue to be an understanding friend to your wife and a caring father, even if distant, to your children. Some day in the future, she will respect you for that, and you will be welcomed into the lives of your children. It doesn't sound like she is a bad or an unreasonable person, she just made some poor choices. Poor choices can destroy a person, but if she still has you as a supportive friend, things will work out OK for her, too.
Let your wife and kids go.
Bad advice.
He needs to protect himself.
He needs to put his foot down about where she can live with them.
If they are his kids too, she should not be taking them out of state unless it is within reasonable driving distance. Even then he should protect himself and make it so that she drives to meet him for visitation 1/2 way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88 View Post
Forget about the DNA. They are the children of a woman who will always be good to you, if you are good to her. as you go your separate but connected ways through life. Yes, you'l miss your kids, but they are too young to know you and miss your. They'll get along fine. You'll have more kids some day.
Hugely disagree - he needs to find out asap if the children are biologically his. I speak from experience. At some point another man might try to claim custody of one; or at some point he might need bone marrow or stem cells only to have it all blow up in everyone's face like it did with me.

There are a million reasons why he should know if they are his kids or not.
If he chooses to tell them later on, that's another decision.
I also feel he should not have to pay child support on children that may not be his.

This b*tch left him when he needs her the most.
Chances are this is going to be a nasty, messy & expensive divorce.
Once he has his cards.. knowing which kid(s) are or are not his will dictate how he fights and if he should even fight. If they are not his kids he can choose visitation if he so desires.


BTW - DNA testing - I wouldn't even say anything but would just do it next time I saw the kids. I wouldn't tell them what it is either.
If she knows what he is doing she will make it so that he can't see the kids to do the test & it will have to be court ordered.
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Old 05-27-2009, 05:38 PM
 
370 posts, read 884,620 times
Reputation: 659
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Do you love the kids and do you really want to do the paternity test thing? Legally they are yours as they were born into a marriage.

I'd think twice about the test. You stand to lose at least one of your kids or you could disrupt a sibling bond. Even if they are both biologically yours, very possibly they are, they'll likely discover in the future you questioned that. And if they aren't biologically yours, make sure you really want to disown them before you do.

People survive divorce, but it's best to keep it as amicable as possible and put the kids first.
IMO you should do the paternity test not because you would treat the child any different but to protect yourself. If you ever come into money she could come after you for payments but you would not be responsible if the kid is not yours. You should not be held financially responsible for another mans child. If the child is not yours it is hers and the fathers to financially support it.
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Old 05-27-2009, 05:57 PM
 
Location: Victoria TX
42,668 posts, read 71,523,609 times
Reputation: 35864
From http://public.findlaw.com/abaflg/flg-3-3f-7.html

"Some states presume the husband is the father and will not allow a husband to disprove paternity of a child born during the marriage."

You'd better find out what the law is in your state.

Aside from the DNA part, I've been through what you are going through. I wish I had done what I advised you to do.

Roselvr, calling people snotty nams and attributing unfounded motives is not useful. The b***h left him when SHE needed to the most. She's gone, to live her new life. There is no evidence that she "timed" her departure to cause him maximim pain and suffereng and distress. That was in the past. Now you want a future full of anger and payback and spite and recriminations, with no winners, and always with the kids losers...

Last edited by jtur88; 05-27-2009 at 06:20 PM..
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Old 05-27-2009, 06:26 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,158 posts, read 20,195,772 times
Reputation: 6200
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88 View Post
From What may a husband legally do if his wife bears a child that is not his?- ABA Family Legal Guide

"Some states presume the husband is the father and will not allow a husband to disprove paternity of a child born during the marriage."

You'd better find out what the law is in your state.

Aside from the DNA part, I've been through what you are going through. I wish I had done what I advised you to do.

Roselvr, calling people snotty nams and attributing unfounded motives is not useful. The b***h left him when SHE needed to the most. She's gone, to live her new life. There is no evidence that she "timed" her departure to cause him maximim pain and suffereng and distress. That was in the past. Now you want a future full of anger and payback and spite and recriminations, with no winners, and always with the kids losers...
I've been through it on the other end and have my opinion just like you are entitled to yours.
Are you going to support this child down the line? No.
He's disabled with a bad back and will need every penny he has. He needs to protect himself now even if he never tells the child or uses it.

What I called her has nothing to do with you.
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Old 05-27-2009, 09:33 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,690,207 times
Reputation: 22158
Quote:
Originally Posted by runrgirl View Post
IMO you should do the paternity test not because you would treat the child any different but to protect yourself. If you ever come into money she could come after you for payments but you would not be responsible if the kid is not yours. You should not be held financially responsible for another mans child. If the child is not yours it is hers and the fathers to financially support it.
Yes if it's money. It depends on how he really feels about those kids.

Right now they are his kids, legally at least. In some states at least, children born into a marriage are considered the children of the husband whether they are biologically his or not, so right now he can decide to remain their father which still means later down the road he can check out the DNA, but for right now it sounds like it's a rash decision made out of hurt and anger to bring the kids into it.

Really that kind of thing is an individual decision. Tossing the whole family away might be the better solution, the kids are little, they'll forget about him if he should decide to go his own way. Or he can delay the paternity testing until things aren't as sad and emotional.

I think the best thing in a divorce is to try to stay even-keeled, don't do anything that makes it worse -- especially when it can all wait. Give yourself and everyone time to adjust, take each day one day at a time.

If he loves the kids, then he needs to take an approach that will let him see them as much as possible and again, if the kids aren't that important then maybe cutting as many ties as possible is best.

He's also expressed a hope that she will come back -- if that's even a possibility, it's best to do as little damage as possible to everyone.
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Old 05-27-2009, 10:18 PM
 
84 posts, read 155,100 times
Reputation: 64
Being a paralegal and doing Family Law I can say that first and foremost, anything you do should be in the best interest of your children. Remember, anything bad you may want to say to her or to the kids, only reflects on the kids and they will suffer. Believe me, in ten years when those kids are older, they will remember you for being the loving and understanding parent and not the one who bad-mouthed the other parent or distanced himself. Go for joint custody, physical and legal custody. You will want to have say so regarding decisions such as school, health and possibly religion including where the kids live because you don't want her to take the kids out of state if you can help put a stop to that. Of course, if that is what you want. If you decide to just let them go, remember they won't forget. Someone in the family will tell them about you and they may say bad things about you. Again, that is your choice. All in all, children of divorce are the ones who suffer. Having been a paralegal for many, many years and going through a divorce myself, I can't tell you how many times children have suffered because the two parents could not see eye to eye. Sometimes you will have to compromise.

If the DNA comes back saying you are not the father, are you prepared to not have anything to do with the child you thought was yours biologically? Blood does not make a parent. Love makes a parent. I respect whatever decision you make regarding that situation.

As for your back, I sympathize with you. I had back surgery ten years ago. It was the worst time I can remember. As a matter of fact, I have a new back injury and may be headed to the operating room again before the year is over. Be strong and hopefully you will have someone who can assist you at this time. You will need the help. Get better for the sake of your kids and yourself. You sound like a good man and a good father and sadly you were not given the respect you deserve by the woman you vowed to love. Such a shame. Take care.
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Old 06-25-2009, 05:40 PM
 
Location: Center of the universe
24,757 posts, read 32,891,787 times
Reputation: 11780
I usually would not say this to anyone, butI know what this LoneWolf character is about. He is a Nazi sympathizer and an avowed racist. I hope this child is not his, and that his wife runs off with a black guy. It would serve him right.
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Old 06-26-2009, 11:50 AM
 
9 posts, read 20,169 times
Reputation: 16
Why don't you have a job?
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Old 06-26-2009, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Center of the universe
24,757 posts, read 32,891,787 times
Reputation: 11780
Quote:
Originally Posted by coffeeandbooks View Post
Why don't you have a job?
?
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