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Old 05-27-2009, 10:05 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
4,677 posts, read 1,835,675 times
Reputation: 900

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I am needing advice again. I have divorced now for almost 3 years and my x and all his family lives in Texas. We do have a 5 year old son together though who lives with me. 2 years ago, he went to TX for the summer since thats what the divorce decree ordered and came back with all sorts of problems. He didnt go down last year since the TX family were having their own problems and I really didnt want him going. Well this past year he has been asking to go so we set it up that he would go down for two weeks and we meet them partway for drop off and pickup. Well he was recently hospitalized and diagnosed with ADHD and we felt it best not to let him go alone. So we decided that we (myself, my mom, and my little brother and sister, 10 and 8) would go to Houston also to be there for emotional support, comfort from being away from home, etc. We were going to rent a car, and stay at a hotel. The x by the way hasnt talked to my son since November so its mainly the grandparents that want to see him but they dont call either. So anyways I tell her the arrangements and she complains that the hotel is too far from her house. So I ask her to money towards one that is closer and she says no so I tell we are staying where we are at. At that point she says she isnt going to come get him the first day because I dont think I want him spending the night with them. So we are going to be driving 16 hours, paying for everything and they want to complain and then tell me they dont want to see him the first day? So I am thinking about not going and just vacationing elsewhere?? Or should I just deal with them and go? Ty didnt know we are going so it wont hurt him if we dont. Also in the divorce decree, they are supposed to come pick him up and drop him off at my residence. So I don't know what to do because I thought I was doing the good thing.
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Old 05-27-2009, 10:45 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
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Since your son doesn't know you were making arrangements to go, I vote for not going.

It's unlikely there will be any problems since they dont' bother to even call.

You were doing the good thing.
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Old 05-27-2009, 12:55 PM
 
Location: Oregon
1,532 posts, read 2,289,709 times
Reputation: 6918
I don't blame you, I don't think I'd be interested in going either. These people are making no effort, and if your son didn't even know about the trip, I would just bag it!

Go take your kids somewhere fun, and do what you want to do! You tried to do the right thing, but there is no reason it should all be on you.
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Old 05-27-2009, 01:24 PM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,201,759 times
Reputation: 1300
Now, when you say your thinking of bagging the whole thing about going down to TX with your son and vacationing elsewhere, were you talking about having your son go alone to TX or taking him with you while you vacationed elsewhere?

If it is the former, then I'd say you should go ahead and let him go and do the meeting partway deal with your ex. and then go take that vacation. If it is the later, would there be possible concequences in him not going after you have made arrangements for him to go? (i.e the ex dragging you back to court for violating the custody papers?)

I would make this the final year that you make any kind of arrangements in visitation, (i.e. you flitting part or all of the bill in getting your son to your ex.) I would stick to the custody papers and make the ex come and get your son when it's his time to have him. If he doesn't want to come get him he defaults on that visitation time. If the ex's family wants to see your son then they need to make arrangements that work with you or go and ask for visitation rights for themselves with a visitation schedule. I would keep a journal of how much contact is made by your ex and his family with your son and how often the ex excercises his visitation. If it's not very often, like once in a blue moon and he makes no effort to really see your son during other visitation times then this information could be used to adjust the visitation to something more suitable for your son.

I know it is important for children to have contact with their fathers, but it does not do them any good if their father is wishy washy about how much contact he wants with his children. It can do more damage having that constant let down when daddy dearest doesn't show up or call when he said he would or when he is supposed to.
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Old 05-27-2009, 01:55 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
4,677 posts, read 1,835,675 times
Reputation: 900
[quote=wyoquilter;9008025]Now, when you say your thinking of bagging the whole thing about going down to TX with your son and vacationing elsewhere, were you talking about having your son go alone to TX or taking him with you while you vacationed elsewhere?

I know it is important for children to have contact with their fathers, but it does not do them any good if their father is wishy washy about how much contact he wants with his children. It can do more damage having that constant let down when daddy dearest doesn't show up or call when he said he would or when he is supposed to.[/quote]

We were all going to Texas and we were going to stay in a hotel and then he would go see them everyday, maybe spend the night one night. But if we bag the whole idea, he would not go to TX alone, he would go to wherever else we go too.
And it is a let down to him whenever his dad does call, the whole once a year. Even at this early age. He asks me every once in a while why they dont come see him or call so I feel bad and try and explain but I dont know if this trip will help or make it worse in the 1st place, thats why we were going with him.
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Old 05-27-2009, 02:23 PM
 
758 posts, read 1,594,840 times
Reputation: 952
Now I realize this isn't exactly the same situation but there is a parallel that that might help you.

My younger sister lost custody of her three kids ( she let her BF beat them) and their paternal grandmother took custody of them. Sis was ordered to take parenting classes as well as her BF. Well they never did and about once every 6mos if that, she decided to visit them. After about 2yrs and her only seeing the kids 3 times in those three years, Grandma had to cut off visits to her. The kids would be emotional wrecks for weeks after the visits, have behavior problems etc. They couldn't understand why they couldn't see their Mom. They were 5,3 and 1 at the time. It was definitely hardest on the 5 yr old. After a while they adjusted. It has been nearly ten years now and they are the happiest, sweetest kids you can imagine. I can't fathom how their lives would be had they stayed in the situation they were in.

My advice is if they can't make any effort whatsoever then take a nice vacation elsewhere. The child shouldn't be put through the constant emotional upheavel.
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Old 05-27-2009, 04:19 PM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 10,667,768 times
Reputation: 9448
It doesn't sound like they are making any effort at all, so save your money, time, etc. and just take a vacation you'd enjoy.
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Old 05-27-2009, 04:21 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,554 posts, read 5,867,138 times
Reputation: 8560
It would sound like hell on wheels. Don't go. There is no benefit as I see it. Why bother? For what?
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Old 05-27-2009, 04:29 PM
 
Location: All around the world.....
2,886 posts, read 7,358,628 times
Reputation: 1044
Naaaaaaaaaaah!!
I wouldn't bother either; they sound too "extra"have a wonderful vacation elswhere and take a rain check when more suitable arrangements
can be made....Geesh they sound like they can be a pain, if you let them!!
Sorry you and your son are having to go through all of this
God Bless
"now go have some fun Yippeee!!
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Old 05-27-2009, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 5,838,497 times
Reputation: 1905
Don't go. Taking him will not change the fact they do not care enough to be a meaningful part of his life.
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