U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-01-2009, 03:09 PM
 
2,466 posts, read 4,202,322 times
Reputation: 1300

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I agree with you that "every family member counts equally". I took quite a bit of heat on a thread in this forum when I stated that my kids don't get to come first ALL the time. Sometimes I get to come first, sometimes my husband, sometimes the kids.

However, what you describe is quite different. The situation you describe is that the entire family bows down to HIS needs ALL the time that he is home. He really has not become a better father, you have all learned to tiptoe around his problems.
Can't rep you again cuz I gotta spread the love, But here's reps for you anyways.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-01-2009, 04:31 PM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,507 posts, read 7,825,943 times
Reputation: 3304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta View Post
The children are all under the age of 13. Oldest is a girl. I have suggested that the children be given chores. He doesn't want to raise them as he was raised....he lived and breathed farm work all through his youth...picking rocks, detassling, barn chores, baling hay. He was his father's work horse. He just rejects the idea. Maybe I need to push the issue? He just seems to think he has to be the bread winner...even though there are two os us. He still thanks me for doing chores everyday, when I live here to...they are my chores to. It is like he wants to see himself as an island in this. Or needs to.
So how about instead of his chores, your chores and chores for the kids...you could all work together?? You all seem like separate people living under one roof, different ideas of how things should be run and who does what. I understand that sometimes people need to be responsible for certain things but why is it his farm and his chores (that you help with) and no chores for the kids instead a FAMILY FARM where you all work together? Such an attitude would not only lighten his load but no doubt build the relationships between your family members that have been strained. IMO, it's not too late to turn things around for your family.


Quote:
This is what i am afraid of doing. He and I have had this conversation about his temper again and again. I have been understanding until I have seen that it isn't a matter of enlightenment. It is a matter of effort now. He is aware he has issues. He is aware that the choices he is making to work such long hard hours adds to his issues, yet he will not relent or in the moment take responsibility for them and the effects they have on him and our family. I am all for understanding stresses and such, but at some point it isn't about that anymore. It ios about satisfying his own "needs" at the expense of the rest of his family. I do not want to be so "understanding" that I roll over and let him continue dysfunctionally and unhappily all over the rest of us.
I would love to "submit" as so many have suggested to my man. But I can not submit to an unhealthy man. And I can not sacrifice our children or my realtionship with them for him. I can only defend him so far before I am teaching my children to love unhealthily, by beginning to sacrifice their own well being in exchange for someone else to hold onto their problems. I do not believe that the marriage is more important than what it produces.
He does not live in a vacuum. I am not blaming you for his behavior but you have issues too. You guys don't agree on how to parent, you undermine his authority and take sides with the kids, it seems like the kids might be manipulating you and you have an 'us vs. him' attitude that, if clearly evident here in your posts, must be like a voice screaming in his head every day when he comes home from work. You guys need to get on the same page and it won't be only him who needs to do the changing if things are going to get better.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-02-2009, 08:39 AM
 
1,831 posts, read 3,733,571 times
Reputation: 1222
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta View Post
This is what i am afraid of doing. He and I have had this conversation about his temper again and again. I have been understanding until I have seen that it isn't a matter of enlightenment. It is a matter of effort now. He is aware he has issues. He is aware that the choices he is making to work such long hard hours adds to his issues, yet he will not relent or in the moment take responsibility for them and the effects they have on him and our family. I am all for understanding stresses and such, but at some point it isn't about that anymore. It ios about satisfying his own "needs" at the expense of the rest of his family. I do not want to be so "understanding" that I roll over and let him continue dysfunctionally and unhappily all over the rest of us.
I would love to "submit" as so many have suggested to my man. But I can not submit to an unhealthy man. And I can not sacrifice our children or my realtionship with them for him. I can only defend him so far before I am teaching my children to love unhealthily, by beginning to sacrifice their own well being in exchange for someone else to hold onto their problems. I do not believe that the marriage is more important than what it produces.
ITA with you. I think if you're going to submit, he has to be worthy of submission. What you are describing is not undermining his authority, in my opinion. But everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion.

At this point, I would think you need a plan. Is he willing to change? If so, are you willing to work with him? Are you better off with or without him? If he refuses to change, are you willing to walk? What do you want, and how do you think you can get there? Those are the sorts of questions that I would be asking myself. In fact, they were the questions I asked myself when I reached a crossroads in my own marriage. I considered the options and chose to walk. While I don't regret it, you have to do what's best for your kids and for you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-02-2009, 08:41 AM
 
1,831 posts, read 3,733,571 times
Reputation: 1222
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I don't want to be to hard on the poster. She is trying to hold her marriage together. I just hope she can see that he really has problems and that although she has been successful in holding the family together he still has serious problems that are affecting the family.
I hear you. I don't either. My comments are intended to be supportive of her.

I this is a good question to ask:

Why are you holding the marriage together?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-02-2009, 09:14 PM
 
1,121 posts, read 3,099,454 times
Reputation: 1122
OP
When all is said and done, would you rather be right or would you rather be loved?
That is your decision.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-03-2009, 02:48 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
25 posts, read 58,403 times
Reputation: 22
Thank you all again for taking the time to post about this. It has all been helpful. All of it. Every opinion is refreshing and honest, whether I agree or not...it all held important points of veiw.
Here is what has happened.
Sometimes the soul just takes over. You don't know you are about to lay it out there, it just sort of happens organically. Tuesday night, after work, after I was finished with the chores, he drove up. It was one of those rare times when all the kids were busy and didn't notice him arriving...so we had time alone to make that initial connection straight off. Before I knew it, the can was open and the worms were squirrling on the ground between us. At first, it wasn't looking so good. I called him an idiot. I know know, some of you will think what a @#&%*! Didn't she listen at all to us?!.... Ha ha...yes, YES! It wasn't in vain. But humanity takes over sometimes. But I softened. I said you are an idiot, but only because you don't get it! You don't get that none of us want anything more than YOU. I asked him, don't you understand that I would walk happily arm and arm with you as a homeless woman as long as you were really THERE with me?! I don't need any of the things you are busting your back for. I see it. I appreciate it. But I don't appreciate it more than having YOU!.... happy and with me and we all miss you. I miss you. If you need to do this, fine. But know that I don't need you to! All I need is you....trully living. Taking the time to rest, relax and SEE the life and love around you and taking the time to enjoy it. I reminded him of when his brother died...not so long ago....how he told me, wow, you never know how much time you have with someone..... I told him, this is life.....right now. This is all we've got! All we know we have got. It may sound pretty heavy....but he and I both know from expereince that it is true. There is too much beauty in life and too much to lose by not seizing it now! Don't you remember? I asked him. We don't know how long any of us have....and even if we did. Once this moment of 7 years old on tuesday the 2nd of June, 2009 is gone....it is gone....and you would have missed it. For what?! What is worth more than hearing, and seeing and sharing and loving!? I was bawling at this point. At first he was puffed up. I get it, I told him. It looks like I don't appreciate what you are trying to do. That I am putting you down again. I can see where it comes across that way. But please, I asked him, take a step away from now. Take a step away from this moment abnd how you feel and try to see what I am saying. I am saying....we need you. Not what you do. Not what you provide....just YOU! I told him that I can not appreciate anything that takes you away from YOU and away from me and our children. That got through. Eventually the stiffness in his stature lifted and he visibly softened. He melted, actually. And he apoligized. I told him, Thank you, but I am not interested or in need of an apology....I just want your happiness. To see you laugh, enjoy life again. That is why I am with you and have always been with you. Let it go. Feeling bad about the past. Let it go, what has happened. I asked him to trust me, there is no one in this house that isn't going to just be happy as pie to see you happy again and not stressed and irritated. We are all "dogs" in this family....wagging our tales, short memories for unhappiness....I told him. Try us. Try me. He did. And it was great. A wonderful close evening, so much tenderness both ways...and one of those nights where the connection is trully there with all that mystery and quietness.
Will he stop being irritated? Maybe....ha ha...will I remember who is irritated? Yes. The me ( or us ) vrs. him scene is over. Sometimes he needs a stiff reminder of where he is and who he is....to us, to himself. I think he got caught up in this whole working stressful thing that he lost sight of us and we of him. I will work harder to not let him drift that far off again....sometimes a woman has to demand her man to stop and rest whether he likes it or not, whether he "has time to" or not. I am going to do that from now on...not let him get so wrapped up in it that he is over stressed.
Thank you all....smile
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-03-2009, 02:59 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 5,839,397 times
Reputation: 1905
I am happy for you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-03-2009, 09:01 PM
 
1,091 posts, read 3,233,444 times
Reputation: 1039
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta View Post
My husband works very hard. He works full days on the rail road and then comes home and works the family farm. He provides well and is always planning ahead for our four children's financial needs. He shows his love through his work.
When it comes to parenting, the down and dirty day to day life, he just doesn't cut it though.
He has his pet peives and if those pets were real animals, they would be raging lions and screaming tigers! He hurls irritation around like platter paint when he is triggered and he has NO issue with where it hits. He wants the entire household to know he is upset when he is.
I put my foot down when it comes to his tantrums. I will not allow him to frustrate himself in my direction. It is harder with the children. I know this should seem like a cut and dry issue to some people. Protect the children. But how does a woman do this? He does love them. He does so much for them. But when it comes to his irritation he has zero sensitivity to how he is making them feel.
OUr oldest child left the phone off the hook last night and it went dead. Meaning when the phone does ring, it only rings up stairs and one has to RUN to get to it in time. This has happened a few times. And he had enough last night. He threw a tantrum on her and asked her if she had had the phone earlier. She lied. (Something she does not do with me.) She lied because she is afriad of his anger and made the hasty decision to "try to run from it". He caught her in it by checking the memory on the phone and finding her best friend's number last in the bank. He hates lying. She knows this. But I feel he is responisble for her lying as much as she is. I try to explain to him that the children and I have an entirely different relationship. They generally will not lie to me...because I have a completely different approach with them. They know I do not tolerate lying, AND they know that telling the truth will immediatly receive a greater chance at reprieve if they tell the truth up front. When they admit fault, I explain...not rage...my irriation over what ever issue is in front of us. He does not have control, nor feel a need to control his.
He feels I undermine him. I feel he gives me no choice. He feels disrespected. Iknow he has little respect for their feelings when such situations arise. I am a holistic parent....every member of the family counts. He is of the old school mentality, where the adults come first.
She ran away last night and hid behind our shed. He was so upset with her and I, that he wasn't going to look for her. I was forced to get involved by pushing on him the need to look for her. She didn't come out to his calling and night was falling. So I had to go out to. I found her when she let her presence be known by sniffling in my vicinity. She was crying. She felt horrible that she had lied. She said she didn't like who she was becoming...a person who lies. Well, now I was upset! This is too much feeling for what should have been a simple daily irritation! I had to tell our daughter that when it comes to his behavior, unforcunately...she is unable to care about it. It felt awful to say, but the truth is, I told her some people we have to just let go of when they are acting unreasonable. We can not let their crap become OUR crap. He found us, and he started to put in his two cents, which was still heated with anger...and I told him heatedly myself....that he has already made her aware of his feelings and she doesn't need to hear it again. He stormed off. And she and I discussed her wounded self esteem. Again I told her, yes, we do not condone lying in this house. But we also do not condone ranting and raging. You see my dilema? How can I respect their father and the children at the same time? He is angry with me today, because I undermine him. Sigh....how do I get him to see he needs to grow up and see who he is hurting?

I think you should leave him.
Actually, I think you should've left him a long time ago.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-03-2009, 11:11 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 5,839,397 times
Reputation: 1905
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jane72 View Post
I think you should leave him.
Actually, I think you should've left him a long time ago.
Didn't you read her most recent post? She made him understand her point of view. She also loves him and wants to preserve her family. She is obviously not a battered wife. You can see she is a strong person.

Divorce is not the easy way out. It is very destructive to children.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-04-2009, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
25 posts, read 58,403 times
Reputation: 22
Here's all I can say, either you love the person or you love what they can do for you. I love my husband. I don't always appreicate what comes with that....but I love him. There was a man earlier who said I was spoiled. I don't agree with that. There is nothing pampered about coming home from work and living as a single mother because your husband is in the field all night or crashed out exhausted even before the kids get to bed....BUT he did say something in his tone that spoke to me. I don't know if it was so much what he said or just the feeling behind it. HE was right...that feeling was right. Is my husband someone that I just throw to the side when things aren't going well, like a product that isn't living up to advertizing? That is wrong. That attitude is wrong. I was as insensitive towards him as I was feeling he was towards me. His feelings were not being validated. And when they are validated....not by the means I want mine validated, but by the means HE understands they are being validated....he feels better and is better able to respond. This is a partnership....not an employee/employer relationship...where I can say...you're fired. I am sad that i let myself think that way for a moment. He was in there the whole time....and I didn't make a path for him to come out....because it had become you vrs. us. How it became that way shouldn't matter....Am I doing what i can do for the good of this situation? That s the real important question....and sadly, I wasn't. So thank you, reader, for your "you are spoiled" remark. It helped.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top