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Old 06-15-2009, 12:18 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
25 posts, read 58,419 times
Reputation: 22

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Quote:
Originally Posted by stormy night View Post
His behavior and the family's reaction is a constant cycle. Someone has to break the cycle before things get better. Since the kids are primarily under the mother's care, they can be easily influenced to react in a more positive way. The mother can control her reactions in a more positive way, and that will bring around the father/husband.

Once he realizes that he won't be met with constant negativity and defensiveness, his behavior will change to match the tone the mother has set in the house.

This is so true.....
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Old 06-15-2009, 08:12 PM
 
Location: Houston, Texas
1,668 posts, read 3,947,716 times
Reputation: 3011
Some men just can't give enough of themselves to parent 100%. It's a selfless job.......some Dad's struggle with this part.
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Old 06-20-2009, 03:09 AM
 
Location: SWE
887 posts, read 1,335,121 times
Reputation: 796
He's working way to much.. stress and fatigue, that's exactly what it is. The railroad itself is very hard, stressful work and can sometimes really suck out the juices out of a man, not to mention if you do farm work on top of that.
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Old 06-20-2009, 07:05 AM
 
Location: Norwood, MN
1,828 posts, read 3,280,981 times
Reputation: 871
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta View Post
This is what i am afraid of doing. He and I have had this conversation about his temper again and again. I have been understanding until I have seen that it isn't a matter of enlightenment. It is a matter of effort now. He is aware he has issues. He is aware that the choices he is making to work such long hard hours adds to his issues, yet he will not relent or in the moment take responsibility for them and the effects they have on him and our family. I am all for understanding stresses and such, but at some point it isn't about that anymore. It ios about satisfying his own "needs" at the expense of the rest of his family. I do not want to be so "understanding" that I roll over and let him continue dysfunctionally and unhappily all over the rest of us.
I would love to "submit" as so many have suggested to my man. But I can not submit to an unhealthy man. And I can not sacrifice our children or my realtionship with them for him. I can only defend him so far before I am teaching my children to love unhealthily, by beginning to sacrifice their own well being in exchange for someone else to hold onto their problems. I do not believe that the marriage is more important than what it produces.
Do not get me wrong, I feel for you and your children. But did you think about these things before you married him?
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Old 06-20-2009, 09:31 AM
 
8,862 posts, read 14,390,151 times
Reputation: 2280
Quote:
Originally Posted by cleasach View Post
I grew up scared to death of my parents.

It has lifetime effects that are not good.

I wish you well.
Same here.
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Old 06-20-2009, 10:07 AM
 
3,566 posts, read 4,492,645 times
Reputation: 1846
If it was me, I would set myself a time limit and if it does not change get out. If it doesn't change in 90 days, leave and keep a diary of what is going on. You might find that it is always something.

If you leave then you can say, this is what it's going to take for us to come back home. Otherwise, you wind up in the role of the martyr. It sucks if your the only adult in the relationship. And if he is unwilling to change and you don't get to go home then you have demonstrated that people have boundaries.

People do this in relationships with abuse, substance abuse etc. and so on.
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Old 06-20-2009, 04:34 PM
 
Location: cape girardeau
893 posts, read 1,353,252 times
Reputation: 489
Quote:
Originally Posted by texdav View Post
Sounds to me like your husband is over worked. Sounds like signs of stress.
Railroad life is very stressful and there are no days off, sure you can lay off, but it counts against your availability and you are paid on your miles. It's subject to call 24/7 and they are always trying to fire you. It's incredibly tough on families because most times mom has to be the good guy and the bad guy because Dad is gone. You are right, he is stressed.
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Old 07-03-2009, 09:02 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
25 posts, read 58,419 times
Reputation: 22
Update by original poster
He chocked me.
We are a month pregnant. We argued...he lifted me off the ground, pushed me into the side of the car and squeezed my throat. He says, not throat, neck... Ok. Ok. I am beaten down now. He says I needed it to wake up. I don't know what that means.
I left. He has called me tonight. He says I bring it on. I am 50 % responsible. That I am being stubborn by not working it out with him now. This is after he told me to drop all the drama when I asked him how he could do that to me.
His **** is so far in my head that I have to fight the voice in my head that says....go back, I love him...go back, think of the kids....blah blah....maybe he is right, maybe I am ****ed up, maybe I blame him too much, maybe I push him to it....bull **** bull **** bull ****.
I CAN NOT go back.
To the women out there wondering...is it my fault....
Trust your love instincts, not the one that says you love him....the one that makes you feel like you are four years old, lost in a department store and just want your mommy....
when he makes you feel the innocence of fear for lost love...it is time to
get out of it!!!
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Old 07-03-2009, 09:08 PM
 
1,121 posts, read 3,100,618 times
Reputation: 1122
get him drunk, drag him to his car in the garage and start the motor. After he is dead, collect his life insurance and buy yourself a better father for your kids.
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Old 07-03-2009, 11:01 PM
 
1,091 posts, read 3,234,208 times
Reputation: 1039
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta View Post
Update by original poster
He chocked me.
We are a month pregnant. We argued...he lifted me off the ground, pushed me into the side of the car and squeezed my throat. He says, not throat, neck... Ok. Ok. I am beaten down now. He says I needed it to wake up. I don't know what that means.
I left. He has called me tonight. He says I bring it on. I am 50 % responsible. That I am being stubborn by not working it out with him now. This is after he told me to drop all the drama when I asked him how he could do that to me.
His **** is so far in my head that I have to fight the voice in my head that says....go back, I love him...go back, think of the kids....blah blah....maybe he is right, maybe I am ****ed up, maybe I blame him too much, maybe I push him to it....bull **** bull **** bull ****.
I CAN NOT go back.
To the women out there wondering...is it my fault....
Trust your love instincts, not the one that says you love him....the one that makes you feel like you are four years old, lost in a department store and just want your mommy....
when he makes you feel the innocence of fear for lost love...it is time to
get out of it!!!

I told you to get out.
Why don't you LISTEN??
Will you get out NOW?
Will you?

You must press charges and get a restraining order.

If you don't, he will have unsupervised visitation with your children.
I devoutly hope I don't need to spell out what will happen.

If you need assistance, PM me.
I don't know what I can do, but if you tell me what you need, i'll try to help, or put you in contact with someone who can.
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