What to do when your husband isn't a good parent? (teaching, parents)
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My husband works very hard. He works full days on the rail road and then comes home and works the family farm. He provides well and is always planning ahead for our four children's financial needs. He shows his love through his work.
When it comes to parenting, the down and dirty day to day life, he just doesn't cut it though.
He has his pet peives and if those pets were real animals, they would be raging lions and screaming tigers! He hurls irritation around like platter paint when he is triggered and he has NO issue with where it hits. He wants the entire household to know he is upset when he is.
I put my foot down when it comes to his tantrums. I will not allow him to frustrate himself in my direction. It is harder with the children. I know this should seem like a cut and dry issue to some people. Protect the children. But how does a woman do this? He does love them. He does so much for them. But when it comes to his irritation he has zero sensitivity to how he is making them feel.
OUr oldest child left the phone off the hook last night and it went dead. Meaning when the phone does ring, it only rings up stairs and one has to RUN to get to it in time. This has happened a few times. And he had enough last night. He threw a tantrum on her and asked her if she had had the phone earlier. She lied. (Something she does not do with me.) She lied because she is afriad of his anger and made the hasty decision to "try to run from it". He caught her in it by checking the memory on the phone and finding her best friend's number last in the bank. He hates lying. She knows this. But I feel he is responisble for her lying as much as she is. I try to explain to him that the children and I have an entirely different relationship. They generally will not lie to me...because I have a completely different approach with them. They know I do not tolerate lying, AND they know that telling the truth will immediatly receive a greater chance at reprieve if they tell the truth up front. When they admit fault, I explain...not rage...my irriation over what ever issue is in front of us. He does not have control, nor feel a need to control his.
He feels I undermine him. I feel he gives me no choice. He feels disrespected. Iknow he has little respect for their feelings when such situations arise. I am a holistic parent....every member of the family counts. He is of the old school mentality, where the adults come first.
She ran away last night and hid behind our shed. He was so upset with her and I, that he wasn't going to look for her. I was forced to get involved by pushing on him the need to look for her. She didn't come out to his calling and night was falling. So I had to go out to. I found her when she let her presence be known by sniffling in my vicinity. She was crying. She felt horrible that she had lied. She said she didn't like who she was becoming...a person who lies. Well, now I was upset! This is too much feeling for what should have been a simple daily irritation! I had to tell our daughter that when it comes to his behavior, unforcunately...she is unable to care about it. It felt awful to say, but the truth is, I told her some people we have to just let go of when they are acting unreasonable. We can not let their crap become OUR crap. He found us, and he started to put in his two cents, which was still heated with anger...and I told him heatedly myself....that he has already made her aware of his feelings and she doesn't need to hear it again. He stormed off. And she and I discussed her wounded self esteem. Again I told her, yes, we do not condone lying in this house. But we also do not condone ranting and raging. You see my dilema? How can I respect their father and the children at the same time? He is angry with me today, because I undermine him. Sigh....how do I get him to see he needs to grow up and see who he is hurting?
The thing that jumps out to me is the irritation. I was very much the same way before I got treatment for being depressed. Small little noises just drove me INSANE and very quickly. Also, is there any real need for him to overwork himself like he is? Being at work for that many hours drains someone of energy and patience. It is possible he needs to cut back on his working so much in order to have some patience left. Providing for the future is fine...but if the relationship suffers which is more important?
My children have had real problems due to my depression and irritation with them. I finally became aware of it last year with comments they have made, finally.
I hope you can straighten it out but don't try to do it alone. He has to try also.
Good Luck!!!
I agree he is overwhelmed. And I am sensitive to that. But his working after "work " hours on the farm, is his choice. I have told him time and time again that we don't need him to do this. His dreams of what this extra income will mean to us, do noyt mean as much to me. I'd rather have him rested, around and relaxed than a new addition to the house. We make ends meet well between the two of us and still have money for the extras. He is determined to do it though. I believe it is more of a proof for his father more than something he is doing for the family. He was cut out of the farming when his brother was alive. Father and brother got on well. Brother, father and my husband were mostly at odds growing up...to put it mildly. My husband's brother passed away 3 years ago and finally his father allowed him to join in in the absense this year. His widow had kept the brother's profits without working the farm the last three years and her and his parents have grown up together....so that was mucky water to wade through. My husband has been overlooked and unheard for years in his family. I think that is where the reaction and over reaction to his wishes not being fulfilled play in. He is tired of going unseen and unheard.....but....he has to see that he is recreating that for his children.
First and foremost, he's cracking from the workload. When there is nothing to life but labor...turns a mind ugly.
Explain to your children what kind of stress your husband is under and to try as best they can to mind themselves. Depending on the ages, that might be a small improvement or something greater.
I agree with removing phone privileges if someone can't handle the tool responsibly. She has to break that habit. It's a bad habit. Lying is worse. Sounds like a kid thing, she'll grow out of it with some guidance, hopefully.
Normally I speak first for the children and let the adults slug it out themselves, but by the way you've worded this I am actually falling in line (somewhat) with Branson...I don't mean be submissive and take orders...but open the communication line and find out where your differences are and try to compromise...if he demands more structure or discipline, find out where you can provide that so that it becomes apparent to him his opinion matters - that may be something he feels is missing. No control, no input...unhappy breadwinner. Yeah?
You have conflicting parenting styles and that is going to be a life-long issue. Find common ground and agree to have differences. But be prepared...to compromise. Both need to allow some wiggle or else someone will always resent being undermined.
He needs to try not to burst, for a better word...but he has to break a learned behavior - has he always reacted to offenses this way or is it a new feature? How was he raised? How do/did his parents interact?
My husband was...hmmn...a monster before we moved. (Sorry, honey.) He was so stressed out, so incredibly unhappy with his position (over 20 years at the same company) that he raged out like a spoiled child full of angst. There were days I was ready to walk, because I am the sponge that absorbs bad things, in turn breaking me, too. And I was tired of soaking it in. Tried counseling - that was a joke. Counselor told him it was perfectly alright to act out, even suggested setting up an area in the garage to hurl cheap plates against the wall.
Hello? Are we not addressing the problem but instead pacifying it? Flake.
I stuck it out, because I am the kind who can...and pushed hard for a job change...relocation. Transfer. I knew a major contributor to this was dis-satisfactory employment and that something needed to modify.
Not everybody can hang in there and I don't fault anyone who has to save themselves if they've already taken in...too much...pain. But if you've got it in you, find the areas that need fixing and try to work together. All you can do is try, and I wish you much luck with that.
We moved and since then, after recovering from the stress of moving, my family has become refreshed...everything is falling in to place. Not perfect, but normally problematic instead of consistently and overwhelmingly dysfunctional. A burden has been removed.
Addendum, since your latest post was entered while I tapped away at the keyboard...he's trying to prove something...but it also sounds like avoidance...perhaps he's trying to run away himself from that which has him so inflamed? Mentally bury it with busy. When he finally comes home, he's so sensitive to any trigger...but that's a HIM thing. He has to address that. All you can do is encourage him to face it.
Again, good luck.
Last edited by 33458; 05-29-2009 at 01:32 PM..
Reason: Ah, you wrote more while I was typing...
33458
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate all the responses I have gotten...and yours has really hit home. You are level headed. Not a push over and not a ring leader. From the sounds of it, you know how to compromise and love at the same time...yourself and your husband. You own your choices and you own the consequences of them. This is what I want to be for this situation. I love my husband. He is a good and great man. He has this issue. And I want him to deal and resolve it..mostly...honestly...very much mostly...nearly 80% for his own well being. I know he is unhappy. I know he feels bad when he lets off his steam onto his family. He just can't seem to share it instead of tear things apart with it. It is a recent event. He used to be easy going for the most part...it is watching the farming going on without him even AFTER his brother passed, I think that has bubbled everything to the surface. And watching his sister in law rake in a hundred thousand or more a year for doing nothing. Anyway, I liked your response....and I want to own my actions and my reactions and choices as you seem to have done. Stick by him, and find new ways of communicating that all of his wishes are important to me...even flippant ones....it is only the manner in which he communicates them that is unacceptable.
He sounds stressed out. Can he cut back some of the working? He's supporting 5 people he doesn't seem to have any relationship with because he's not around very much.
I agree that he's definitely stressed. He likely wouldn't overreact so much if he weren't physically and mentally fatigued. But because he's trying hard to support his family, he doesn't want to be a failure, so he likely won't cut back unless he's forced to (e.g. health issues). You and he are going to need to talk b/c you have to be on the same page in dealing with the kids.
He also needs to work on the anger, to pick one thing and work on it. Starting with yelling less.
What does he say when you ask him why he blows up? How would he feel if he were to see himself as the kids see him... how you're seeing him? I totally understand about the united front for the kids. I am not saying call him out in front of the kids. Privately.... even if the kids go to gramma's. Can you video him in one of his rages? He may not realize just how close to the edge he truely is. He may need a reality check.
I try to explain to him that the children and I have an entirely different relationship. They generally will not lie to me...because I have a completely different approach with them.
I don't think this approach is very helpful. You are telling him you are a better parent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta
He feels I undermine him. I feel he gives me no choice. He feels disrespected. Iknow he has little respect for their feelings when such situations arise. I am a holistic parent....every member of the family counts. He is of the old school mentality, where the adults come first.
I am sure you knew this when you chose him to be the father of your children. What does being a holistic parent means?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta
She ran away last night and hid behind our shed. He was so upset with her and I, that he wasn't going to look for her. I was forced to get involved by pushing on him the need to look for her. She didn't come out to his calling and night was falling. So I had to go out to. I found her when she let her presence be known by sniffling in my vicinity. She was crying. She felt horrible that she had lied. She said she didn't like who she was becoming...a person who lies. Well, now I was upset! This is too much feeling for what should have been a simple daily irritation!
Sound like you have a drama queen that knows what to say to get you on her side.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta
I had to tell our daughter that when it comes to his behavior, unforcunately...she is unable to care about it. It felt awful to say, but the truth is, I told her some people we have to just let go of when they are acting unreasonable. We can not let their crap become OUR crap. He found us, and he started to put in his two cents, which was still heated with anger...and I told him heatedly myself....that he has already made her aware of his feelings and she doesn't need to hear it again. He stormed off.
You sure undermined him. No wonder he is so frustrated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta
And she and I discussed her wounded self esteem. Again I told her, yes, we do not condone lying in this house. But we also do not condone ranting and raging. You see my dilema? How can I respect their father and the children at the same time? He is angry with me today, because I undermine him. Sigh....how do I get him to see he needs to grow up and see who he is hurting?
So you daughter did something wrong and it all got turned around to be all your husband's problem. How often does this happen in your house? Sounds like your husband stands alone against all of you and it frustrates him to no end.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta
I agree he is overwhelmed. And I am sensitive to that. But his working after "work " hours on the farm, is his choice. I have told him time and time again that we don't need him to do this.
Maybe you should tell him you do not want him to do this because you want him to be alive to walk your daughter down the aisle.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta
I believe it is more of a proof for his father more than something he is doing for the family. He was cut out of the farming when his brother was alive. Father and brother got on well. Brother, father and my husband were mostly at odds growing up...to put it mildly. My husband's brother passed away 3 years ago and finally his father allowed him to join in in the absense this year. His widow had kept the brother's profits without working the farm the last three years and her and his parents have grown up together....so that was mucky water to wade through. My husband has been overlooked and unheard for years in his family. I think that is where the reaction and over reaction to his wishes not being fulfilled play in. He is tired of going unseen and unheard.....but....he has to see that he is recreating that for his children.
It is hard for some of us to see that our parents are not perfect and they do not fit the mold we want them to. He sounds like a little a boy that wants daddy to give him an atta-boy. That is never going to happen. Now getting him to see that is another story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norskejenta
it is watching the farming going on without him even AFTER his brother passed, I think that has bubbled everything to the surface. And watching his sister in law rake in a hundred thousand or more a year for doing nothing.
Sound like this farm is very toxic in his life. Maybe he needs to get his own little farm. A new place to build memories with his own children.
Just wanted to let you know that I do not condone rage or screaming. I just think that it is only a symptom of a bigger problem. If you get hang up on that, you will end up divorced.
First of all, your husband is a slave to your family. You are all very spoiled. As his wife, you have to start treating him as the man he is. You have to teach his children not only to respect him but to start figuring out ways to help support the family. Why is it that nobody but your husband has a job? Why is he working a job and the farm? Are your all unable to work? What are your children doing to support the family? No wonder he is frustrated to the point of abuse. As a wife you should know he can't ask for help. It has to be offered as a family effort. When you make your life a family affair, you will have a true family.
Stress does awful things to you mentally and physically and this man is stressed!
His workload sounds overwhelming and I am sure the slightest things push him over the edge. Can you sit down and talk to him about ways he could take some of the burden off himself? Are there some things that you and the kids could help with on the farm before he comes home to eliminate some of those extra chores? If you can free up some of his workload than maybe you can structure some kid time with him where they do fun activities together...throw a baseball, do a puzzle, read a book etc. He needs to understand how much these kids need their dad and for him to be a positive role model in their lives. It is proven that girls who have involved fathers are more likely to make positive choices about relationships with men later on in their lives. Those that don't many times find themselves going down the wrong path. Boys need their fathers leadership too...they need to learn to be good husbands and dads.
The bottom line...
1. you and your husband need a serious heart-to-heart to come up with ways to help him eliminate stress and some of the workload.
2. You need to sit down and talk about how you want to parent and get on the same page. You need to be a united front.
3. Your kids need some quality/positive one on one time with their dad. The kids need their dad actively involved in their lives.
4. He needs to go visit a doctor and get a complete physical. It sounds like he is a prime candidate for a heart attack.
Last edited by Maybe So; 05-30-2009 at 08:11 AM..
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