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I always hated having a parent smoke growing up. Once reason is whenever we would go on car trips he would "roll down the window" (yeah.. like that helped..) or we would have to stop every half hour or so to take a "smoke break". Annoying and disgusting, unhealthy habit.
So now I'm the one with the problem because SHE chooses to make an adult decision for HERSELF but I can't make an ADULT decsion for MYSELF to not go over when the air conditioner is on or the heat is on full blast and all the windows are closed? That doesn't make sense and YOU are judging ME! I love my mother. I think it is mean and cruel for my sister to be giving my mothe the "silent" treatment over this. However, how someone reacts to feeling hurt whether you believe they should be hurt or not is mean and close-minded heartless. She is hurt. I am hurt. My mother seems to be the only one who could care less. I'm not mad at her for dealing with it the way she does.
You have absolutely every right not to expose yourself to her home and her secondhand smoke. I do not visit my mother or my father's house (unless it is an outdoor event) because they smoke inside. I never have since I had my first child.
What you were implying, with the first post I responded to, is that you were not going over there and not letting your child sleepover anymore because you were upset that she refused to quit, not because you were worried about the effects of being around secondhand smoke. You didn't just learn about these effects yesterday, did you?
I don't like to think of myself as someone who judges other people (you know the ol' saying about "judge not lest you be judged"), but I guess I am judging your reasoning. To think that she is doing this because she doesn't care about you or your sister's feelings is close-minded. She's doing it because she hasn't convinced herself that she can quit, and no ultimatums, guilt trips or silent treatments are going to change that.
I read a bio of Jackie Kennedy's last year. She hated Doctors and, I found it hard to believe, she hadn't been to a Doctor since the mid-60's. And she smoked right up until 3 months before she died in 1994, only after being urged by her children to finally quit.
But she didn't die from lung cancer. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it was Hodgkin's Disease.
Being a smoker, I totally agree that quitting smoking is as hard as quitting heroin. But my confusion remains, as I've worked too long in long-term care facilities where I've seen people die from lung cancer who have never smoked, and there's that crowd in their 70's and 80's still enjoying every smoke and dying from some other disease.
I'm confused too. My great aunt who smoked for well over 60 years (and she smoked like a chimney) didn't die from anything related to her smoking. She died of heart problems that was related to a heart murmer and she was in her 80's when she died. None of her children or grandchildren have any long lasting health issues stemming from her smoking either and they lived in that smoke for many, many years.
My grandfather was a heavy smoker too. He died from pancreatic cancer, which had nothing to do with his smoking. My uncle is also a heavy smoker and he has hepititis (can't remember whether it's A, B, or C) and he caught that while in the service. So far his lungs are healthy and he is in his mid 50's. My other uncle does have emphazema (?) but it's unclear whether it was caused from his smoking or all of the gravel dust he has been breathing in most of his life from his job.
Not everyone who smokes or is around smoke is going to die from health issues stemming from smoking. I've known several people who were well into their 90's and smoked all of the time that died because of old age, not because of their smoking.
It really disturbs me, when people swear up and down that second hand smoke is going to kill them. How on God's green earth can that be proven when there are so many other things floating in our air that can cause health issues? People can just as easily get lung cancer from all of the asbestos that is floating around. They can get emphazema just from getting a few cases of pneumonia. They can develop bronchitis from all of the dust in the air. Heck our own walls and furniture in our homes put off toxins that can be deadly or cause health problems. The chemicals we use to clean our homes can do the same thing.
If nobody smoked, people would still be dying of lung cancer, emphazema, asthma, broncitis and any other health issues that people blame on smoking. So who and what would be blamed if there were no longer smokers around to blame? Smokers are just the easiest scapegoats to pin health problems on.
So now I'm the one with the problem because SHE chooses to make an adult decision for HERSELF but I can't make an ADULT decsion for MYSELF to not go over when the air conditioner is on or the heat is on full blast and all the windows are closed? That doesn't make sense and YOU are judging ME! I love my mother. I think it is mean and cruel for my sister to be giving my mothe the "silent" treatment over this. However, how someone reacts to feeling hurt whether you believe they should be hurt or not is mean and close-minded heartless. She is hurt. I am hurt. My mother seems to be the only one who could care less. I'm not mad at her for dealing with it the way she does.
You have absolutely every right not to expose yourself to her home and her secondhand smoke. I do not visit my mother or my father's house (unless it is an outdoor event) because they smoke inside. I never have since I had my first child.
What you were implying, with the first post I responded to, is that you were not going over there and not letting your child sleepover anymore because you were upset that she refused to quit, not because you were worried about the effects of being around secondhand smoke. You didn't just learn about these effects yesterday, did you?
I don't like to think of myself as someone who judges other people (you know the ol' saying about "judge not lest you be judged"), but I guess I am judging your reasoning. To think that she is doing this because she doesn't care about you or your sister's feelings is close-minded. She's doing it because she hasn't convinced herself that she can quit, and no ultimatums, guilt trips or silent treatments are going to change that.
No. I didn't JUST learn about the effects "yesterday." if you look back at an earlier post I said that I was careful during pregnancy as well. This is how people end up all pissed off at me for no reason. Please do not interpret me this way.
I understand that by my sister being upset and I getting a bit stricter with my daughter's and my health are not going to convince her of anything. But you have to live with the consequences of your choices. Her choice. Her consequence. Me not sleeping over or coming by on HOT or COLD days is not punishing her. That's just the way that it is.
I empathize with my sister. I wouldn't go about it the same way but I'm not angry at her for feeling that way and I don't think she is close-minded. I do however feel she is reacting based on emotion and she needs to take a step back.
I feel she should try quitting for herself and not anyone else..... I don't think this has anything to do with being selfish...it's an addiction that hurts others around you ...but hurts yourself the most.
I was talking to my sister (who smokes) about my mother and father who smoke. I had told her that I was concerned about my mother since she hasn't been for a checkup in over 21 years! She's been coughing much more and a few other things. I mentioned that it makes me sad that she smokes so much and that she probably won't be around to see my children grow up. My sister then said "yea, sounds pretty selfish. If I had kids I'd quit. Mom should defintitely quit."
Her response was that she's going to die anyway, why not die happy. .. She said that her not quitting has nothing to do with being selfish.
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Originally Posted by miasmommy
..But what if the children go to a parent and express great concern and practically beg the parent to stop something like smoking?
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Originally Posted by miasmommy
Again, I do not necessarily believe my mother to be "selish," but however I'm feeling something really strong here. My sister is REALLY upset but I on the other hand am a little upset that she won't even try and she goes on to say that it "shouldn't bother us what SHE does???"
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Originally Posted by miasmommy
I agree to a point. MY SISTER is the one who is extremely angry. I am not saying she is selfish. I am simply saying that I have expressed to her that I am really sad, scared and concerned. And she has acted as if she doesn't care.
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Originally Posted by miasmommy
.. If she was on her death bed BECAUSE of the cigarettes I know for a fact how much she would regret the decision to not even try and quit. It would break my heart to know that SHE wouldn't have been able to continue to live and love life and time with her grandchildren and family. ... No more life but instead death from cigarettes.
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Originally Posted by miasmommy
...My mom didn't start smoking until she was 30. She is 56.I smoked until I got married, only about 8 years but I quit cold turkey. I understand that it is addictive and everyone quits differently but it's doable. Especially when family is around. Heck, 3 of her kids offered to quit WITH HER. One of them lives in her home. Sounds like she has alot of reasons to quit and only one to keep smoking: herself.
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Originally Posted by miasmommy
... I'm going to be dealing with the death of my mother much earlier than anyone would hope for. I need my health and strenght to deal with it.
My sister is really upset however. I just got off of the phone with her. She has not had a cigarette for 36 hours! Nor has she talked to my mother. THAT makes me sadder than the fact my mom won't quit or even try. I would NEVER stop talking to her for this...NOT manipulation
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Originally Posted by miasmommy
What? I have no idea what this means.
But of course I/ME/US is involved. If it had nothing to do with me then how can anyone argue it ISN'T selfish??
I just need a way to explain this all to my sister who seems to be really upset.
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Originally Posted by miasmommy
Yea, real lucky. I've already said that I'm most worried about her. I know how much she enjoys life and everthing that goes along with it. She is so active but at the same time limited because of her smoking and the effects of it. Of course I'D be sad and hurt if/when she dies early because of this horrible addicting habit!
... She is hurt. I am hurt.My mother seems to be the only one who could care less. I'm not mad at her for dealing with it the way she does.
..I will do anything in my power to stand by her side and help her rid this evil addictive demon.
The woman has been smoking for 26 years and now you're getting hysterical?
This is so full of contradictions that it's difficult to know just who it is that's being selfish. It's clear the mother doesn't wish to quit smoking. End of story.
The woman has been smoking for 26 years and now you're getting hysterical?
This is so full of contradictions that it's difficult to know just who it is that's being selfish. It's clear the mother doesn't wish to quit smoking. End of story.
Whew, so much dramatics...
She just recently (last year or so) starting having serious health issues. She is always ill and always looking for condolences and sympathy. Which I give. But she is getting really bad. It's scary.
I was in a similar situation. My mom smoked for over 40 years. She would be respectful and not smoke around my kids. I was greatful for that. But she had no desire to stop smoking...until she got breast cancer. Unfortunatly it takes a serious health scare for some of these people to realize they need to quit. My mom has since quit and fortunatly has no serious damage done. She survived her cancer. But, I felt the same way you did. When you have kids, it sheds a new light on the situation. My mom quit with drugs. And it was simple for her. I would provide her some info on drugs to help her quit. I don't find it selfish you're concerned with her health and you want her around longer. So what if it is selfish...You don't want to lose your mom,,,is that a bad thing?
I also wanted to add my mom quit with Wellbutrin. That costed her a whole 4 bucks.
Last edited by *Danielle*; 06-03-2009 at 01:32 PM..
ok....so I grew up with a father who smoked. He started when he was 12. I was forced to smoke in the backseat of the car... with the windows up... in family room watching TV... at the table.... but later when we all started complaining about the smell on our clothes and the smell in the house... he stopped smoking inside and that was the time it all really became an issue in the news and a serious HEALTH issue with Second Hand Smoke.... until then it wasn't as much a social issue. I don't think he really thought about our health. In all honesty- I don't think it crossed his mind that it was effecting US because HE was the one smoking. He made changes when it did become socially more unacceptable and everyone became more educated on Second Hand Smoke. However- the damage has been done. I have chronic bronchitis and a very poor immune system. Can I prove it is from smoking in the back seat of my dad's car as a kid? No... but is it most likely the cause? Yes. I have grown up smoking multiple packs a day and cough like a smoker.... and I am not. I get bronchitis about four or five times a year- is that normal? No.... and I am not a smoker. But I was a second hand smoker for a good portion of my life. I am so thankful he changed his ways and I do not blame him for anything. I think it was so widely accepted at the time... but TODAY it is different. TODAY we know a lot more... TODAY no child should grow up with chronic bronchitis coughing like me.... THAT is not fair.... THAT can be prevented.... Doing THAT is selfish... causing that is selfish..... just for a smoke?
But of course I/ME/US is involved. If it had nothing to do with me then how can anyone argue it ISN'T selfish??
I just need a way to explain this all to my sister who seems to be really upset. And not rude advice. I can see how she is hurt. I am hurt as well and I will NOT cut her off.
I already was careful about me and my daughter being around the smoke. This last instince just made me more confident in my decision. My mother isn't at all upset with this decision on my part. She understands. Funny she said "you have to do what you think is right for your daughter."
My is possessive. This is more about how you feel. That in itself is selfish. You have told your mother how you feel, great. Now, because this is not about you then its possible that it is necessary to back off and let it go.
The absolutely best thing at this point is for your sister not to talk to your mom. Withdrawal is heavy and it will last for a bit; sense of time also takes a leave of absense for awhile. This is not about rude advice. She is being overly emotional because...........she just stopped smoking. Kids (grown up ones, too) sometimes have a hard time grasping that not every decision is about them. Mom's and Dad's have names and identities outside of mom and dad.
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