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Old 06-04-2009, 01:21 PM
 
1,122 posts, read 1,970,153 times
Reputation: 731

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My sister and I both had kids that were just a few months apart. The doctors said that she'd have a girl and that I would have a boy. We both had the opposite. She was devasted and jealous and prepared for a boy. We were prepared for both and were not devasted. The only disadvantage was that my mother put a lot of attention on the first baby girl, which only lasted until she was about a year old as we increasinly shunned her, and had more "advice" than I needed, like I could only feed my breastfed baby every 4 hours and to let her cry in between alone in a room by herself, to spank her and slap her hand as soon as she could reach up and pull my hair, that she would get picked on for the name we gave her because it was not biblical or otherwise over used, and would call herself mommy when I wasn't in the room. (She had post partum depression 7 years prior when her last child was born a boy and was recently told by three doctors that they would not reverse her tube tying because of 5 c-sections and because of the uterine rupture she had with the last one when they put a the knife edge to it at birth. What a relief, she wanted to have a baby girl with her registered sex offender boyfriend (molested his daughter) she'd been dating for a year.) She only bugged my sister for her decision to not circumsize her son and otherwise left her alone.

It can be hard to adjust to the change. We did not know until our daughter was born so you can imagine our shock when she didn't have something dangling between her legs. I had a c-esction with her so an hour later when I saw the look that our baby and her daddy had in their eyes as they looked deeply at each other and she lay in her daddy's hands, you know that any disappointment or shock is very quickly overwhelmed and wiped out with those first precious moments.

I worked with a guy who had so desperately wanted a boy. He hid his concern from his wife but was able to talk with me about it since we'd had a lot of similar experiences in life we'd been able to relate with. He wanted to be the dad to his son his father never was to him. I told that there was a very special bond between father and daughter that he would know the moment he looked into her eyes and all his concern would melt away to just loving her and protecting her, that there was nothing wrong at all for feeling depressed about it because those feelings can be very normal, but rest assured they'd go away the first time he held her.

I tell the same to you now. It will melt away quickly. My mother and I never had a close relationship and I went through a lot of abuse growing up. I also help raise my brothers for 6 years so I knew I could handle boys. I didn't ever care if I had a girl. I didn't want to deal with it all and I didn't want to screw her up like my mom did me.

Don't worry dear, you'll do just fine. Remember that MOST of the feeling you had about having a son is the feeling of having a child and becoming a parent. Just funnel those strong feelings and those others will go away on their own.

Take care and HUGS to you!
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Old 06-05-2009, 12:51 PM
 
711 posts, read 1,283,156 times
Reputation: 711
Quote:
Originally Posted by thatgirlwow View Post
Way before my SO & I started trying for a baby, we called "famous" TV psychics, the ones that specialize in solving TV crimes etc.

They ALL said we'd have 2 baby boys. So for three yrs, we had it in our minds we'd have baby boys.

Fast forward, 3yrs later we find out its a girl!

My SO is is okay with whatever, if the child is healthy. On the other hand, I have been collecting boy stuff for 3yrs & I'm crushed that its a girl as I'd prepared myself for a boy.

How do I "unprepare" myself? Also, my insecurities of having a girl stem from the fact that I had a toxic relationship with my mom & I'm afraid I'd be toxic to a boy not a girl.

I feel embarassed discussing this issue with "real life" people.

Do I need therapy to mentally accept a baby girl or will this happen on its own? If so, how long should that process take & how do I prepare for it?

Please do not spend your $$ on those TV psychics. Now I know its supposed to be for "entertainment" only but heck, it costs $300/hr to speak to them plus phone bill. So find better ways to entertain yourself.

So
1) To those parents who prepared themselves for a boy & got a girl...how did u get over it? ( And vice-versa)

Do you understand that feelings aren,t fact? Regardless of how you feel the fact is that your pregnant with a baby girl. Enjoy the good news, get on with living and understand that its no longer about you. Ya got alot of responsibilitys ahead of you. The reindeer games are over.
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Old 06-05-2009, 04:13 PM
 
15,206 posts, read 16,084,046 times
Reputation: 25135
I suggest you get some therapy. Not so much because you're unhappy about having a girl, but because of your issues with your own mother. A good therapist can help you gain understanding of the dynamics in your relationship with her and help you avoid them with your own daughter. Also, having a baby can be very emotional and it will be good to know someone you're comfortable talking to in case you find yourself with post-partum depression or anxiety.

Also, a good friend of mine shut herself in the closet and called me, sobbing, when she found out she was having a girl instead of a boy. Her inlaws seemed to "expect" a boy and she sort of felt like she was letting them down (pregnancy can make you think weird things...) and also she had lost a son in an earlier pregnancy and I think she was grieving for him. Anyway, she and the rest of her family are delighted with their daughter. Don't feel guilty or weird about your feelings, but it might be helpful to talk to someone who can help you sort them out.
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:02 PM
 
396 posts, read 907,275 times
Reputation: 284
Quote:
Originally Posted by thatgirlwow View Post
Way before my SO & I started trying for a baby, we called "famous" TV psychics, the ones that specialize in solving TV crimes etc.

They ALL said we'd have 2 baby boys. So for three yrs, we had it in our minds we'd have baby boys.

Fast forward, 3yrs later we find out its a girl!

My SO is is okay with whatever, if the child is healthy. On the other hand, I have been collecting boy stuff for 3yrs & I'm crushed that its a girl as I'd prepared myself for a boy.

How do I "unprepare" myself? Also, my insecurities of having a girl stem from the fact that I had a toxic relationship with my mom & I'm afraid I'd be toxic to a boy not a girl.

I feel embarassed discussing this issue with "real life" people.

Do I need therapy to mentally accept a baby girl or will this happen on its own? If so, how long should that process take & how do I prepare for it?

Please do not spend your $$ on those TV psychics. Now I know its supposed to be for "entertainment" only but heck, it costs $300/hr to speak to them plus phone bill. So find better ways to entertain yourself.

So
1) To those parents who prepared themselves for a boy & got a girl...how did u get over it? ( And vice-versa)
Therapy would be a good thing. I think everyone should go anyway...but just the fact that you asked us, tells me that you think you need some, and are actually relieved that we agree with you?
There's a lot of people on this site who are trying to have kids on their own, or to adopt, or are considering a surrogate... they would kill to be in your position of having a baby on your own... be grateful that you have this gift.
The thing about being a parent, is that you have to let go of control. Not the healthy kind, but the kind that gets in the way of enjoying the ride, the kind of control that makes you think that things should be a certain way so that you can have the outcome that you think is best for you. Instead, I have found that I have to really know myself to be the best mom I can be. That has meant for me that I have to let go of the past and of my fears that have come from my past experiences. That means that I now look at my parents as parents, and in some ways I can really see them in a different light because I am a parent, and I make lots of mistakes. I went into this thing thinking I would never do things the way they did, and now I look at them and think, wow, they actually did a great job.
If you are thinking that the female-female relationship may make you a toxic parent, don't worry because it has nothing to do with gender at all...
Your mom was the way she was, because that was the way she was... you don't have to be like her, but that does not mean that you will be a perfect parent either. There is no such thing.... just like there are no perfect kids... The point is that you are already setting yourself up for a fall because you are trying to set up perfection, to protect yourself and your child from the mistakes that she made. And you can't do that to yourself. It's way too much to ask of yourself...
When I was pregnant, and becoming a single-mom, I really wanted a girl. I just thought there would be no way to handle a boy on my own, and I thought that a girl would be more controllable, given my situation. I prayed to god one day to give me a sign. I was out walking and just then and there a pink balloon flew out of nowhere and headed up into the heavens.... and guess what? I had a boy. And that was my first lesson in humility. And I have had many more since. And I have also realized that I was not the perfect kid, and I gave my parents, especially my Mom, a real run for her money. It's really a full circle, becoming a parent, because you are given gifts in humility everyday...
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