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Old 07-02-2009, 12:17 AM
 
12,858 posts, read 24,540,535 times
Reputation: 18879

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(Childfree person disclaimer...)
How did the previous poster become pg if she "never" wanted kids?
I never wanted kids and used birth control like religion. If I'd become pg somehow, I would have had an abortion, no question.
I believe some people have this experience of great love once a parent. I also believe many don't. It's a crapshoot if you have a kid thinking it's gonna be a great love, or, if a great love, worth the tradeoffs.
May I remind the previous poster that not everyone is so selfish in their lives, kids or not, and certainly feel we've experienced life fully in many ways.
She states "just my opinion," and I'd add, "just her experience." I get so tired of parents who discover the meaning of life *for them* by having kids and then project onto non-parents a lack of meaning, lack of love, selfishness, etc. She's a data point, not a fact.
Thank you for letting post on this forum.
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Old 07-02-2009, 02:20 PM
 
3,751 posts, read 10,234,704 times
Reputation: 6561
I'd have to agree with the previous poster. Wow was she "lucky" after never wanting kids, never enjoying them, that she happened to love the experience.

Like previous posters (and many others) - she could have not enjoyed the experience at all. You can love your children, but not LOVE being a parent. She's lucky she enjoys both.

To echo the majority of posts - do what you feel to be right. It is no one else's deciison but your own. You will bear the responsibility of your decision, and the people who are so busy giving you their opinion will not be on the line (emotionally, financially) for the cosequences (good or bad) of your decision.

Live your life for yourselves, and if in the future - that means children, go for it! If it does not, I'm sure you'll still find ways to live enjoyable, meaninful lives.
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Old 07-02-2009, 10:12 PM
 
3,445 posts, read 7,672,433 times
Reputation: 3357
brightdoglover - We were told we could not have kids - and it did not bother me - but I knew that if it happened I would step up to the plate. I was trying to say that you really will not know how you feel until you actually have kids. So - I guess it is better not to risk it and you will never know.

sorry - I dont believe in murder (abortion)

I am not saying that childless (non-parents - yuck - so PC) people are in any way inferior to parents - I was just stating what a person may - I say may - miss out on. Some people dont want to be parents and are not cut out to be parents. Hurray for them!

And, yes - this is all "just my opinion" and if you dont like it - and as a non-parent you have your view of the world and I respect that.

Can I ask - what are you doing on the parenting forum?
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Old 07-02-2009, 11:51 PM
 
12,858 posts, read 24,540,535 times
Reputation: 18879
As an advocate for the childfree choice (a clunky word, but technically correct), I read discussions on this forum about whether to have children, what if hub does or doesn't want kids, etc. I only post on such discussions, identify myself as childfree-by-choice, and thank the mods for allowing me to post.
In fairfax mom's post, you didn't say you thought you were unable to have kids but would "step up" if that changed, especially as you don't personally support abortion ("murder"). You only said you never wanted kids and that that was OK with you.

I admit to an overly sensitive reaction when a parent refers to his/her former selfish self. All too often, we childfrees (however we came to be so) are called selfish, or identified as "Don't get me wrong, I like kids/love my nephew" and so on. I re-read your post and did see that you considered yourself pre-kid selfish, not anyone else. Thank you for the correction.
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Old 07-03-2009, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Kingman AZ
15,371 posts, read 33,825,051 times
Reputation: 8977
Don't have em....don't want em....[love kids....chicken fried is best] so it follows that at 60+ yrs old my wife and I inherited her two g'kids to raise.....[karma is such a b....]

Dont ever feel bad for not wanting them.....but watch out for the karma thing
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Old 07-03-2009, 12:43 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,555 posts, read 29,309,085 times
Reputation: 21313
Quote:
Originally Posted by breji View Post
I just want to get some positives and negatives about having or not having kids. We have no desire to have kids and both have never dreamed about having kids, but our families are pressuring us...like it's the thing to do. Don't take me wrong, I'm actually good with kids. My husband and I like to sleep in on our days off, enjoy not being stressed about money with our double incomes, spend time going to church and just hanging out together, love our dogs and spend a lot of time with the two of them. We don't feel as if we are missing something, but deep inside it feels creepy thinking of lying in a hospital bed at age 75 with no one visiting. If we had kids, we would have to go to one income and have to watch every penny because we could no longer afford the lifestyle we have now. We would have an emergency fund, but would not have a lot left over at the end of the month for saving. My sister has been married with kids and she is a stay at home mom. They only have $5,000 in an emergency fund and she has no retirement. Her husband only has the retirement he has through work. They are in their late 30's. That scares me, it doesn't sound like enough. There must be some great joys and benefits from having children that outweigh watching every penny and having a great retirement account...right?
Spend some time at a nursing home. There are plenty of residents there who have children that they never see, and spend their time sitting and dying alone.

Having children is no guarantee of anything *except* that you are going to have pressures and problems that you would not have without them.

I am blissfully childfree myself and never regretted the decision once. I have a good, full and happy life with my husband and we are more in love and devoted to one another than any of the childed couples I know. It has always been my opinion that children are far more trouble than they are worth and I have known many, many parents who agreed with me on that. Problem is - once you have them you are stuck with them forever -there is no giving them back.

Forget the pressures and make the decision that is truly in yoiur heart. To thine own self be true. If you do that you will never regret your decision. Nobody else has the right to tell you what to do.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 07-03-2009, 12:46 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,555 posts, read 29,309,085 times
Reputation: 21313
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairfax Mom View Post
brightdoglover - We were told we could not have kids - and it did not bother me - but I knew that if it happened I would step up to the plate. I was trying to say that you really will not know how you feel until you actually have kids. So - I guess it is better not to risk it and you will never know.

sorry - I dont believe in murder (abortion)

I am not saying that childless (non-parents - yuck - so PC) people are in any way inferior to parents - I was just stating what a person may - I say may - miss out on. Some people dont want to be parents and are not cut out to be parents. Hurray for them!

And, yes - this is all "just my opinion" and if you dont like it - and as a non-parent you have your view of the world and I respect that.

Can I ask - what are you doing on the parenting forum?
The same thing I am - voicing my opinion. That's what messag boards are all about.
20yrsinBranson

Last edited by jeannie216; 07-05-2009 at 08:28 AM.. Reason: This isn't the pet forum
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Old 07-03-2009, 12:48 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,555 posts, read 29,309,085 times
Reputation: 21313
Quote:
Originally Posted by dynimagelv View Post
Don't have em....don't want em....[love kids....chicken fried is best] so it follows that at 60+ yrs old my wife and I inherited her two g'kids to raise.....[karma is such a b....]

Dont ever feel bad for not wanting them.....but watch out for the karma thing
It's a chance you take when you marry a woman with a past. I'd have kicked them to the curb myself. They have TWO grandparents you know. Let the other ones suffer. LOL

20yrsinBranson
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Old 07-03-2009, 01:13 PM
 
396 posts, read 907,598 times
Reputation: 284
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimboburnsy View Post
The other thing that you see all the time are happy, fulfilled, faithful people who manage their affairs and who lead purposeful family lives. A family will be what you make of it. It isn't necessarily the route to happiness nor is it the path to ruin. It simply is what it is.
Yes. True. And those are probably people who wanted children in the fist place.
You are missing the point--that there are some people who really go south in their whole being after becoming a parent, because it was something they never really wanted in the first place. And the point is; that if you are one of the ones who do not want children, you should not have them, and that the decision to not have them is a very respectable and responsible decision. And it shows that a person really knows him/herself.
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Old 07-03-2009, 01:14 PM
 
2,542 posts, read 5,832,461 times
Reputation: 2595
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
...I admit to an overly sensitive reaction when a parent refers to his/her former selfish self. All too often, we childfrees (however we came to be so) are called selfish, or identified as "Don't get me wrong, I like kids/love my nephew" and so on. I re-read your post and did see that you considered yourself pre-kid selfish, not anyone else. Thank you for the correction.
I would try to be less sensitive on parents talking about being selfish before kids. I would like to think that it is a lack of good communication, that most people don't think of childless couples as selfish (although we all know there are some busybodies that for some reason do). More over, the comment reflects on how unselfish they have to be now, not even that they were that selfish before kids.

Before my boys, I went out to eat a lot, spent late nights up and slept in, bought new clothes for myself, etc. I don't think any of that was selfish--I was taking care of myself and having fun. Selfish is knowingly disregarding others' needs in favor of your own wants. There is no way you can disregard the needs of someone who isn't even a someone yet.

I guess some potential grandparents could possibly say you are being selfish for not providing a grandchild for them, but really, that is a want--not a need--and I would personally tell them that there are loads of children yearning for a grandparent's attention.
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