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Old 07-08-2009, 03:58 PM
 
5,019 posts, read 12,498,980 times
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It's probably better to skip being a parent all together rather than being a bad parent.

I often notice people who have children and didn't seem to give that choice enough consideration.

To the OP: it sounds like you and your husband are having thoughtful and deliberate discussions about the issue.

As pretty much everyone else has said, in the end it is your choice as a couple. Good luck with your decision.
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Old 07-08-2009, 04:07 PM
 
Location: Santa Barbara
1,474 posts, read 2,592,251 times
Reputation: 942
Quote:
Originally Posted by suzie02 View Post
First of all I said "equal to racist" not racist. Second my own sister doesn't want children and I have no issues with that. I have an issue with the insults and the attitude of superiority some people have.
I agree that insults and a poor attitude don't help people understand someone with a different viewpoint.

BUT

I am not sure that "equal to racist" is any better. Perhaps you can explain what exactly you mean by "equal to racist" because I am just not getting it. Not trying to be dim but this was such an inflammatory statement that I think it needs to be explained better. Someone who refers to a parent by a crude name (which some can argue is a biologically correct, yet insensitive term) is on equal footing with someone who hates other races??
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Old 07-08-2009, 04:19 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,960,968 times
Reputation: 21277
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairfax Mom View Post
brightdoglover - We were told we could not have kids - and it did not bother me - but I knew that if it happened I would step up to the plate. I was trying to say that you really will not know how you feel until you actually have kids. So - I guess it is better not to risk it and you will never know.

sorry - I dont believe in murder (abortion)

I am not saying that childless (non-parents - yuck - so PC) people are in any way inferior to parents - I was just stating what a person may - I say may - miss out on. Some people dont want to be parents and are not cut out to be parents. Hurray for them!

And, yes - this is all "just my opinion" and if you dont like it - and as a non-parent you have your view of the world and I respect that.

Can I ask - what are you doing on the parenting forum?
I had much the same experience as you, Fairfax Mom. (noting being "maternal" but then enjoying motherhood to the max) Not saying or advocating that everyone would be that way, but I think it actually does happen that way a lot. Some insist they would not be that way, and who am I to argue, but... I've seen quite a few people right here on C-D forum echo our sentiments. And hey, I still am not especially fond of everyone's else children, but my son, I was absolutely crazy about.

Last edited by kaykay; 07-08-2009 at 04:29 PM..
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Old 07-08-2009, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Kansas
3,855 posts, read 11,495,580 times
Reputation: 1706
Quote:
Originally Posted by breji View Post
I just want to get some positives and negatives about having or not having kids. We have no desire to have kids and both have never dreamed about having kids, but our families are pressuring us...like it's the thing to do. Don't take me wrong, I'm actually good with kids. My husband and I like to sleep in on our days off, enjoy not being stressed about money with our double incomes, spend time going to church and just hanging out together, love our dogs and spend a lot of time with the two of them. We don't feel as if we are missing something, but deep inside it feels creepy thinking of lying in a hospital bed at age 75 with no one visiting. If we had kids, we would have to go to one income and have to watch every penny because we could no longer afford the lifestyle we have now. We would have an emergency fund, but would not have a lot left over at the end of the month for saving. My sister has been married with kids and she is a stay at home mom. They only have $5,000 in an emergency fund and she has no retirement. Her husband only has the retirement he has through work. They are in their late 30's. That scares me, it doesn't sound like enough. There must be some great joys and benefits from having children that outweigh watching every penny and having a great retirement account...right?
I don't know what the right answer is for you but let me give you some perspective. My wife already had a child when I met her. So it's like we have never really had any time together without kids. I went from being a single bachelor in college to being married with children and a full time job in the span of a year. Talk about a kick in the pants...yeeouch! Well time went by and we had a couple of more kids. Child number three is really putting the miles on me let me tell you.

This summer my MIL offered to take all three kids for about 10 days (she lives one state away). And I finally...finally...got to see what it really means to be a newly married couple. No kids hanging off my arms and legs, no fighting kids, no dirty diapers to change. It was liberating. The day after they left I was standing on the front porch...my wife was working on our flower bed (w/o children trying to spray us with the hose or cause other random issues) and I looked at her and said, "We're empty-nesters, baby!"

Enjoy your time together. If your parents pressure you about kids just flip them the bird.
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:30 AM
 
Location: Norwood, MN
1,828 posts, read 3,288,342 times
Reputation: 871
Quote:
Originally Posted by breji View Post
I just want to get some positives and negatives about having or not having kids. We have no desire to have kids and both have never dreamed about having kids, but our families are pressuring us...like it's the thing to do. Don't take me wrong, I'm actually good with kids. My husband and I like to sleep in on our days off, enjoy not being stressed about money with our double incomes, spend time going to church and just hanging out together, love our dogs and spend a lot of time with the two of them. We don't feel as if we are missing something, but deep inside it feels creepy thinking of lying in a hospital bed at age 75 with no one visiting. If we had kids, we would have to go to one income and have to watch every penny because we could no longer afford the lifestyle we have now. We would have an emergency fund, but would not have a lot left over at the end of the month for saving. My sister has been married with kids and she is a stay at home mom. They only have $5,000 in an emergency fund and she has no retirement. Her husband only has the retirement he has through work. They are in their late 30's. That scares me, it doesn't sound like enough. There must be some great joys and benefits from having children that outweigh watching every penny and having a great retirement account...right?
Whether the two of you want children is up to you two only...NO ONE ELSE>
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:33 AM
 
Location: Norwood, MN
1,828 posts, read 3,288,342 times
Reputation: 871
Quote:
Originally Posted by breji View Post
I just want to get some positives and negatives about having or not having kids. We have no desire to have kids and both have never dreamed about having kids, but our families are pressuring us...like it's the thing to do. Don't take me wrong, I'm actually good with kids. My husband and I like to sleep in on our days off, enjoy not being stressed about money with our double incomes, spend time going to church and just hanging out together, love our dogs and spend a lot of time with the two of them. We don't feel as if we are missing something, but deep inside it feels creepy thinking of lying in a hospital bed at age 75 with no one visiting. If we had kids, we would have to go to one income and have to watch every penny because we could no longer afford the lifestyle we have now. We would have an emergency fund, but would not have a lot left over at the end of the month for saving. My sister has been married with kids and she is a stay at home mom. They only have $5,000 in an emergency fund and she has no retirement. Her husband only has the retirement he has through work. They are in their late 30's. That scares me, it doesn't sound like enough. There must be some great joys and benefits from having children that outweigh watching every penny and having a great retirement account...right?
As selfish as many kids are today, there is no guarantee at all they would come to visit you in the hospital anyway!!!!
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:36 AM
 
Location: The Milky Way Galaxy
2,256 posts, read 5,924,849 times
Reputation: 1505
The decision whether or not to have kids is a personal choice between the couple. Whatever the decision is does not make you bad or good. Good luck with the decision
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Old 07-09-2009, 08:48 AM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,960,968 times
Reputation: 21277
Quote:
Originally Posted by breji View Post
I just want to get some positives and negatives about having or not having kids. We have no desire to have kids and both have never dreamed about having kids, but our families are pressuring us...like it's the thing to do. Don't take me wrong, I'm actually good with kids. My husband and I like to sleep in on our days off, enjoy not being stressed about money with our double incomes, spend time going to church and just hanging out together, love our dogs and spend a lot of time with the two of them. We don't feel as if we are missing something, but deep inside it feels creepy thinking of lying in a hospital bed at age 75 with no one visiting. If we had kids, we would have to go to one income and have to watch every penny because we could no longer afford the lifestyle we have now. We would have an emergency fund, but would not have a lot left over at the end of the month for saving. My sister has been married with kids and she is a stay at home mom. They only have $5,000 in an emergency fund and she has no retirement. Her husband only has the retirement he has through work. They are in their late 30's. That scares me, it doesn't sound like enough. There must be some great joys and benefits from having children that outweigh watching every penny and having a great retirement account...right?
If the only reason you are considering not having children is financial, I would say "have kids." Your last statement about there must be some great joys and benefits from having children that outweigh watching every penny and having a great retirement account is accurate. Yes, there IS.

I had responded earlier in this thread and agreed with Fairfax mom but I didn't directly respond to the OP here. Again, I would just say that I was not an especially "maternal" person. Didn't enjoy kids that much. In fact, other people's children did and in fact, do, often get on my nerves. But my own son was totally different. I was crazy about him, and motherhood was one of the most rewarding, enjoyable experiences of my life. I would have never thought that considering my own emotional make-up/temperament. I was quite happy without him, but clearly, I didn't know what I was missing. (My husband, would incidentally, say the same thing regarding himself.) I don't care to argue with those who say they would never feel this way. Everyone has to make their own choice. Not trying to "argue" you into something here. Just give my perspective since you did ask. And yes, kids are expensive...very expensive, but can you afford NOT to have them? For me, the cost of that would have been waaay too high.
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:19 PM
 
Location: Kansas
3,855 posts, read 11,495,580 times
Reputation: 1706
Being a couple with an average income you basically get to choose between having money and fun on the weekends or having children.

Don't tell me...'but kids ARE fun'. HA! They are not fun. Not when you're staying up nights because they are sick or refuse to go to sleep for whatever reason. Not when you have to pass on going places...because you have kids. Certainly not when they are in their terrible 2's and you have a migrain nearly every day. Not when they are in the pre-teen/teen years and feel the need to rebel against everything you stand for. And not when they drain every cent from your bank account to cover braces, tuition, etc etc etc. BAH!

^ is telling you to have children regardless of the potential for financial hardship. If I was a financial advisor I would tell you to completely ignore this advice. Why would you do that to yourself when you are already happy and living comfortably? If you are happy not having any why do you want to mess with that?
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Old 07-09-2009, 04:38 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,960,968 times
Reputation: 21277
Quote:
Originally Posted by drjones96 View Post
Being a couple with an average income you basically get to choose between having money and fun on the weekends or having children.

Don't tell me...'but kids ARE fun'. HA! They are not fun. Not when you're staying up nights because they are sick or refuse to go to sleep for whatever reason. Not when you have to pass on going places...because you have kids. Certainly not when they are in their terrible 2's and you have a migrain nearly every day. Not when they are in the pre-teen/teen years and feel the need to rebel against everything you stand for. And not when they drain every cent from your bank account to cover braces, tuition, etc etc etc. BAH!

^ is telling you to have children regardless of the potential for financial hardship. If I was a financial advisor I would tell you to completely ignore this advice. Why would you do that to yourself when you are already happy and living comfortably? If you are happy not having any why do you want to mess with that?
Well, drjones, you and I came into our child-rearing experiences from kinda different circumstances. You say you came into a ready-made family immediately. We were without a child 10 years before we had a baby. And we adopted him and considered ourselves incredibly blessed to be able to adopt an infant. Also, we just had the one child and I'm sure that does make things easier and less expensive. Also, we had two local, very reliable, willling baby-sitters who would work free of charge~ grandmothers! (We did have to sacrifice financially for me to stay home with him for 8 years.)

So it's probably not surprising we see the negative aspects of having children a bit differently.
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