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Well if you read my other posts you will see that I do try to teach my kids about the bigger things in life, caring for others, people come before things, etc. My mom doesn't live in the same state as us and also she is pretty much handicapped and would be unable to take her places (she has horrible arthritis and it's hard for her to get around). When she does visit, they play games, get on the computer together, and those sorts of things. My mom just really enjoys doing that sort of thing.
Sorry I misread your previous post. I have many friends whose kids get tons of toys from grandparents so I assumed that that was your case.
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Originally Posted by sandycat
It's not like I refuse to believe they are spoiled, I just don't really think they are and I would admit it if they are. She just turned 6 this week, my son is only 2 and a half. So developmental age has something to do with it of course. I just get annoyed with her sometimes, and I'm wondering if I should be that annoyed.
You described the behavior of a spoiled child so either you exaggerated on your post or she is spoiled.
You have received good suggestions on this thread how to make your daughter earn things. I don't think there is much else we can do for you here.
There is a good chance that she naturally has a tendency to hoard things or that there is some outside influence that you are either unaware of or don't realize the impact it has on her.
All you can do is continue what you are doing (in discussions), making sure that it isn't too complicated for her and hence going over her head. I guess that would be another reason--she may be getting the wrong message out of your discussions.
As for actions, make a family outing or mother-daughter outing to volunteer somewhere and make it sound exciting and fun, maybe going out for a small treat afterward or to the playground beforehand. I would work on insisting she give up toys at a certain time (i.e. before her birthday or a holiday), but start small. Have her choose one or two toys. Before she starts screaming, tell her that she has ___ minutes to do so (and have a timer) or you will choose two. She will quickly learn that there are some toys she just doesn't want. And if they are two cheapos from a children's meal? So be it, it is just getting her into the mindframe. Once you can get her to not scream about it, then you can work on giving up more or such.
Also, find out what she loves and find a charity that corresponds to that love. Visit the charity, perhaps having a staff member tell her about the great things they do but also what items they desperately need. Then suggest to your daughter that at her next birthday party she has her friends bring items for the charity instead of presents for her (but emphasize that she will still be getting presents from you and her grandparents). My son did this for his party this year. He loves animals, so everyone brought items for the local shelter. I covered a box with white paper for the kids to decorate, then we put the donations in it. My friend did the same for her son's birthday. Her other friend's husband is in Iraq and said that there was one soldier who was really a great guy but rarely got mail or packages. So our donations were items for him, and then at the party the kids drew pictures to put in the box as well.
Thanks Maciesmom, I get what you're saying. Funny, I'm so not like what you're saying, maybe it came off differently. It's hard when you are trying to talk through message boards and you think that people just get you and they don't. My handbags are not the latest or greatest, I have only a few pairs of shoes, my car isn't the one I wanted. I wanted a van, but my husband convinced me to get a Focus. I love my car by the way, but I really wanted a van... didn't get it. We have a decent house, not great, but better than average I think. I get it, I understand, and I think after all this, I realize that I'm in the ballpark of where I want to be and should be with her. I expect intrinsic motivation to be giving, selfless etc., and it just isn't realistic, but with guidance I think she'll get there. Wr're on the right track, I think. Thanks!
Sounds like it's more of an age/phase then. If your lifestyle doesn't reinforce it and she's not getting OD'd on "needs" from TV commercials etc then I would continue to not reward the behavior and reinforce that there is more value in things besides "things".....and wait for her to outgrow it.
I think most kids will be inclined to be materialistic bc they are very much into instant gratification. They're just immature that way.
As are a lot of adults...
I agree here.
It's unreasonable to overindulge a child of 6, then try to make her understand the hardships of the world. Her brain isn't developed enough to have any idea of what you're talking about. No amount of talking is going to make any difference. She will think 'I have and other kids don't. So what.'. It means nothing.
Her grandparents don't need to be furnishing her with dolls worth $100. They could put money away for her for college or a fund for when she starts her life after college. If they really want to throw things at her, they should make it productive.
I would stop giving her things aside from the occasional treat. Give her something at Christmas and birthdays and leave it at that. When she stops expecting, she will have a better sense of value of herself, other people and the world in general.
It's very difficult in a society that glorifies material possession and in some cases, getting them at all costs. I think that contributed to the mortgage crisis. "The American Dream" of owning your own home - some interpreted that to mean even if you can't afford it. As if there is something wrong with a comfortable, affordable apartment. Shows like MTV's "Cribs" or the old "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" probably didn't help matters much.
I don't have anything against owning things that you can afford but would like kids to realize from a very young age the satisfaction that comes from giving to and helping others. It's hard for kids to see beyond their front door step but parents can help in this area by raising their awareness and modeling the behaviors.
I like that it teaches kids financial responsibility- more important than ever - but also about being charitable and socially aware. We work hard to prepare our kids for the future; try to teach healthy lifestyle habits, provide an education, teach sports and music and so on, yet very little in the way of preparing them for a healthy and giving relationship with money. I believe this is just as important a foundation as anything else we teach our kids so you'll hear me recommending FiftyP - Money Wise, Caring Kids to anyone with kids or that knows people with kids. Stop the cycle!
There is one thing that I think might be important, that you did not address. Does she take care of her things? Does she keep them neat and orderly and try not to damage them? If so, then you might try to interest her in collecting something that can be acquired very cheaply, like stamps or spiders or maps or leaves. She will be just as enthusiastic about a new acquisition, but it won't cost much money to keep her steadily supplied. Help her find leaves from different kinds of plants, show her how to dry them between the pages of books and mount them in scrap books, and try to identiry them and label them.
Never underestimate the ability of children to catch on. Try different things until somethig inspires her.
Not to sound mean but from what I am reading you are giving her everything and you expect her to understand the meaning of compassion and understanding ? well she will never understand any of that if you keep giving her everything under the sun . I suggest you clean out her closet and teach her about giving to goodwill and such and show her what compasssion and understanding is all about .
A 6 year old isn't capable of understanding the concepts you are trying to teach, especially just by talking about them. What she does understand is that if I go to the store Mommy buys me something. If I cry hard enough Mommy doesn't take away my toys. I have always operated on the "just because you can doesn't mean you should" premise. Yes, you can afford to indulge your child and it is fun, however you are learning that it isn't the best idea. Stop buying her so much, learn to say no more often. Don't let her get her way when she cries. You will do more harm with overindulgence then being firm with her over donating toys-which she will forget about in a couple weeks by the way.
Totally agreed!
My two kids forget about the toys that they "really... really super... really" wanted within 2 -3 days.
Now the Kids, the mother and the grandparent start to understand "NO means NO"
just got invited to a party a few weeks ago that we were asked to bring donations to vs.bringing gifts (for a 7yr old child). We were told it was the child's idea but I find that highly unlikely.
This family tends to do things to try to prove something to others.
At any rate, during the party,of course people brought their donations IN ADDITION to a gift and the gifts were obviously expected because the birthday girl continually made comments like "my mom said people would bring gifts anyway's" and "when is it time to open my gifts?"
They should have not opened the gifts until everyone was gone and quite honestly,they should be donating those then as well.
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