Step-Toing Around (a Step Mother's quest) (day care, support, toddler, toys)

[offofwallstreet]

Ok not sure how many step situations have been posted recently. However,I have a step daughter (now 8). She recently visited for the summer. Unfortunately to no surprise, her mother does not like me very well (never met her...just apparently not too happy that her ex has moved on and is happily married). How do I know, I know because as I drove her then toddler around (my step daughter at 3) from day care to home, because her mother was no where to be found, the tot would sit in my back seat and tell me nasty things. "my mother does not like you. My mother has fire for you. mommy and daddy were kissing last night."

Fast forward 5 years, she is now 8 and every time she comes to visit, she acts as if I do not exist when my husband is around. does not say good morning, does not say good night. does not say thank you when I do things for her. AND she tells constant stories...I can't get a straight story out of her for all of the build a bear toys in the world, and the summer visit is now terribly strained.

Before, the antics "only" affected myself and my husband...now, we have our own children (a 4 year old and 2 year old).

I am searching for advice, because I've seen a 3 year old with attitude carrying adult messages to another adult, I now see an 8 year old walking into my home as irreverent as can be, and I shutter at the thought of a 14 year old coming to visit.

have you experienced it? Is there anything I can do to fix this quick!?

[Mattie]

I think you could expect more advice from the parenting forum on city-data.

But, I'll add my two cents; you need to have the child's father take a stand on your behalf. You won't win this battle on your own.

[atlantagreg30127]

Moving to the appropriate forum.

[Poltracker]

Definitely have a talk with dad. You could get in hot water if you try to deal with this alone. Dad will have to be the one to reprimand her and demand that you be treated with respect. In the meantime, make sure all the kids learn good manners, make them ask politely for an item before you give it to them i.e. passing the taters at dinner, etc. If the SD (or for that matter your own kids) does not ask politely, withhold the item explain that they must ask politely first, then wait till they ask before giving it to them. Extend this to the other activities. If they get in a screaming fit about it, let them go off and scream. Treat them all the same and the SD cannot complain. It never hurts to learn manners.

[charz]

I have never been a step-parent. However, I was the step-daughter that visited her dad and his wife on weekends. I remember shouting things like, "You can't tell me to clean. You're not my mom!" Dad (without his wife in the room) sat me down and explained that I would treat her with as much respect as a parent or I would not come over at all. I was 14 when that conversation happened and it worked. We found a working relationship. She never tried to take my mom's place, left the major disciplining to dad, but was always there when I needed her. I have tears in my eyes while writing this, because she passed away a year ago. She and my dad were married for 27 years. I lost my 2nd mom when she died.

There is a way to make the relationship work, but it probably should have happened 5 years ago. Your husband needs to talk to his ex-wife and his daughter (without you in the room) and explain how things need to change. It will only get worse if it is not dealt with.

There is room in that little girl's heart for you and her mom. She doesn't have to choose who to love. When parents are battling, children feel like they are in a tug of war battle and that they are the rope. The mom needs to stop having conversations with your name in them. The daughter will never feel like she can have a relationship with you if the mom is badmouthing you.

[breeze823]

Gosh I have no idea what you should do but I love the fact that you are really trying to fix it rather than just saying that the child is a brat, etc....It sounds like you want a good relationship with her and I hope you will eventually get there. It sounds like the poor thing is caught in the middle thanks to her mother, which is a shame

[malamute]

Originally Posted by Mattie

I think you could expect more advice from the parenting forum on city-data.

But, I'll add my two cents; you need to have the child's father take a stand on your behalf. You won't win this battle on your own.

That's very good advice. Since the daughter is coming because of her father, it's his responsibility to lay down the rules. I don't think you can let this go onl a moment longer.

She sounds like she's learning manipulative behavior from an expert -- her bitter mother.

[MrMom2]

All I can say is that Step-parents will always be LAST in the line of who anyone in the bio-family listens to or respects, with the exception of your own birth family and biological children.

Even when the step-kid is clearly in the wrong and everyone KNOWS it, the step-parent will still be wrong and basically told to "go away and leave my kid alone" (or to that effect).

If you have good relations with your own fmaily, use them to lean on for strength in this. It really helps knowing you got support in some way and that your not completely alone (even if their help is limited its better than none).

[JC JC Mom]

I have never been in this situation but I would think that your husband/her father needs to have a very stern talk with her she needs to show your respect... and that is not open for discussion.
How is your relationship with the mother at this point???

[33458]

Husband/father needs to address this...and you need to tell him precisely what has transpired and how it affects you in your own home. It matters.