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Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
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You need to be pretty certain that this is what you want. You are behaving in a manner that clearly says you are serious about making this woman and her daughter a permanent part of your life and your family. If that isn't the case, then you aren't being fair to this girl and her daughter or to yourself. There must be boundaries and it doesn't sound like your girlfriend is very good about setting them; you need to do it.
I think you should sit down in a quiet place and do some real soul searching to figure out what you want to do. If all parts of the equation do not add up to "I want to marry this woman and adopt her daughter (and the daughter's father, unfortunately)", you need to pull anchor. Immediately. It will only get harder and harder and the situation will get worse and worse if you are in "let's see what happens" mode and she is in "we are getting married and he's gonna work and I'm not" mode.
Cool Rob is absolutely right. If she doesn't want you to discipline her daughter then the dynamic in the home is "Mom and daughter vs. boyfriend". That's not likely to change. It may seem like "once we get more serious she'll come around" but that's not the way it works. If she believed in you and was secure in her relationship with her daughter, she would already be including you in their life, not just in hers.
If you're in a hole that you aren't sure you want to be in then you had better quit digging before it gets too deep to climb out of.
I will never spank, or slap her daughter... i dont care how close we get, and I dont care if her mom is ok with it... i jsut dont feel comfortable doing that... My girlfriend has said on several occasions that she wants my relationship with her daughter to grow before i start saying you can and can't do something. Her fear is that while she trusts me, her daughter probably does not yet, and she wants me to build a relationship wit her so her daughter doesnt think that im some bully barking out orders to someone i dont know...
i think its a good idea, i jsut wish that in the meantime she would step in more often and explain why yelling at me is disrespectful...
My girlfriend has a 4 year old daughter. i am 27 she is 24... We have only been dating for 4 months and we moved in together. We both realize that we are moving pretty fast as far as our relationship go's, but we also realize that we now have a situation where i am in a little girls life who i have only known for 4 months.
I am trying to be the best person i can be for her and I wanted some advice hopefully from someone who has gone through a similar situation.
here is a little background:
The girl's dad is a dirt bag. he claims he wants her in his life, but in the 4 months i have been dating her he has watched her 2 times, for one night each time. one of those nights he called us while we had a night planned and said he had to sleep and the daughter wouldnt sleep and he demanded we pick her up.... so he actually watched her one time in 4 months. he missed her bday ( and didnt get her anything) has never paid $1 in child support, and genuinely cares less about what go's on in her life... he has probably called to talk to his daughter 3 or 4 times total..
the girl is very close to her mom, but she is also very close with her grandparents who luckily live a block away so they babysit whenever we ask. its a pretty good situation..
i guess my questions or areas where i need help are, what can i do? My girlfriend obviously does not want me disciplining her child, i understand why and all that, but her daughter will flat out scream her head off at me over whats on TV, or how i eat, or whatever .. and my girlfriend says nothing back to her(ex: you don't talk to Dave like that) she just looks at me... the other thing that is weird is this only happens when my girlfriend is around, if its me and her daughter there are zero problems.
At the end of the day the daughter is a great girl, and I already am getting attached to her, i jsut would like to get some advice to make sure I do things the right way.
Thanks in advance!
I have been in this situation but what did or didn't work for me may not be the same for you. First of all, you need to recognize that her dad is her dad, good or bad, then you need only make good comments about him. No matter what, HE is her dad. If you go down that path of disaplining someone elses child than also be willing to go to jail for your beliefs. It does not matter if you are living there or how big of a scumbag that dad is, if he hears of you disaplining his child then you are at fault. Pretty bad deal so far huh? If the mom is not doing anything about it then she is not respecting you either, just get out while you still can, you are in a lose lose situation. You really don't belong there and sooner or later that will come out. Do the child and yourself a favor and leave.
You and your gf don't know each other long, the mother allows disrespect from her little girl, you're not permanently attached (marriage), and the bio father is a dirt bag. Pack your bags and go.
"The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother". It is very important for her to see her mother being respected and honored by the man in her life. This is a behavior pattern that will imprint on her forever.
The next most important thing is trust. She should learn that she can always trust you, no matter what. She must trust you to tell the truth. If you say you will do something, do it. Don;'t worry about discipline until trust is established. Then, you can make the rules, as long as the rules are fair, and if she sees you living by rules, too. Let her make a few reasonable rules, too, and honor them. Learn to say "I'm sorry" when you disappoint her trust..
Respect her feelings, her privacy, and above all else, her dignity. Never humiliate her. She will misbehave, but you are the grown up. Learn to count to ten.
Don't discourage curiosity. Don't badmouth anybody in her presence, especially not her father. Read to her every day. Speak careful English to her, complete grammatically correct sentences.
My wife already had our daughter when I met her, granted she was only about 7 months old at the time. We will have been married 7 happy years in July, and my daughter might as well be my own, even if she has a different last name.
I already had 2 kids when I met my husband of 16 yrs and thank God he loved me and my kids enough to give us a chance. Kudos to the OP for trying to be a positive influence in alittle girls life, especially one where the real dad sounds like a jerk-off.
I already had 2 kids when I met my husband of 16 yrs and thank God he loved me and my kids enough to give us a chance. Kudos to the OP for trying to be a positive influence in alittle girls life, especially one where the real dad sounds like a jerk-off.
Same here. I had 2 kids when my DH and I got together. The oldest was 5 and the youngest not quite 2. We just celebrated 16 years as well. My kids needed a positive male role model in their lives (grandpas and uncles are very scarce in my family) as their dads were jerk offs as well. My DH has been a wonderful step father and my oldest 2 adore the heck out of him and as far as they are concerned he is their dad and as far as he is concerned they are his kids.
Oh and we moved into together before we got married just several months after getting to re-know each other while dating. We had dated way back in High School and got back together 7 years after our initial break up. Then we got married 9 months later.
this is y u dont get with a woman with a kid much less an toddler. guess ur gonna end up paying for the "dirtbag's" problems. ur 27 can't u find around ur age w/o drama and baggage like this? and 4months? wft u thinking? guess momma's got a winner here! lmao
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It's painful.
