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Old 06-10-2009, 12:17 AM
 
6,066 posts, read 15,009,981 times
Reputation: 7188

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Yikes... I'm sorry to say this but I have to agree with the harsher posts here. You've put yourself in a bad situation. I've been a young mom going through hard times before when my boys were young. I was always married and my husband and I worked things out but we definitely had some months where we lived apart so that we could deal with our stuff and anyway... I'm rambling...

That mother, your girlfriend, is very young and wasn't thinking straight when she made the decision to allow you to live with her and her daughter. She probably feels safer with you living with her, and she thinks it's all good... and I'm sure you're a great guy. You sound really great. But, 4 months into a relationship is too early to shack up when there are children involved. Really that was not a good idea at all. Years from now the mother will look back and will most likely feel she would have done things differently if she could go back and change things. I know if I could go back to my twenties, I would do things differently. When you're that young, with kids, alone, and hurting and stressed-out... you just don't make very good decisions sometimes.

It's also just not fair to you. If you leave, you're not only going to have to deal with your girlfriend and her drama, but also the guilt of leaving her daughter. If you stay, you're going to end up taking responsibility for a child that will never be yours. You will most likely be putting yourself in a position where you're going to have to deal with the dirt-bag baby-daddy, too, for however long you stay.

People also tend to use their kids as manipulative devices. I've seen the best kind of parents, people whom you would never believe would pull those kinds of tricks, do this. So be careful....

As far as the discipline thing goes, though... it's not your bag. Just repeat these words: "Go talk to mommy." And also - be a man! Don't let a 4-year old tell you what to watch on TV. Guys these days have lost their backbones. Don't allow yourself to be whooped. You sound too good for that.

 
Old 06-10-2009, 01:11 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,521,481 times
Reputation: 22472
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
I already had 2 kids when I met my husband of 16 yrs and thank God he loved me and my kids enough to give us a chance. Kudos to the OP for trying to be a positive influence in alittle girls life, especially one where the real dad sounds like a jerk-off.
I think that's why most here are saying to either make this a solid real relationship or get out now.

A little child needs stability most of all. They don't need mom's trial lovers moving in pretending to be a parent or ignoring them while they behave poorly. The mother in this case does not seem to have her head together at all because she's not building a solid long lasting relationship by allowing her daughter to mouth off and even scream at the lover and in doing so is encouraging her to disrespect him. You don't even allow a child to behave this way to dinner guests.

This relationship is in a trial stage. Bonding with the child and then ditching the mother and child along with her is not at all good for the child who like someone pointed out will learn that men are not reliable. Failing to bond with the child and failing to have respect doesn't work if this were to become a lasting relationship. You simply cannot let a child show that level of disrespect for you and then think that maybe down the road, after you've decided to make a go of things with the mom that respect will suddenly kick in or that the mother will then decide her daughter can't be a mouthy brat to the now permanent member of "the family".

The mom in this story isn't thinking with her big head. She wants her lover there, and it's convenient but she's not thinking of the future in any way. The fact that the child misbehaves more when the mother is there even indicates the mother may be unconsciously promoting the behavior.
 
Old 06-11-2009, 04:18 AM
 
Location: NC
484 posts, read 1,364,313 times
Reputation: 401
Quote:
Originally Posted by dino702 View Post
this is y u dont get with a woman with a kid much less an toddler. guess ur gonna end up paying for the "dirtbag's" problems. ur 27 can't u find around ur age w/o drama and baggage like this? and 4months? wft u thinking? guess momma's got a winner here! lmao
Thank goodness there are REAL MEN who all don't feel like the poster above or all of us women who have had children before would never meet the MAN we are meant to be with.

I'm happy that my Husband (of 5 years) not only loves me, but loves my daughter as well. She was almost 7 when we met. We did not know each other that long before getting married. We got married because we felt it was the right thing for us and I guess we did something right.

I know its hard for some to believe this, but there are men out their who do and who can care about a woman, and her children despite the fact that some of these woman have ex's that are dirt bags, these men love their girlfriends enough to stick with them.

Last edited by AutumnOrange3; 06-11-2009 at 04:19 AM.. Reason: spelling
 
Old 06-11-2009, 06:32 AM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
11,045 posts, read 17,435,491 times
Reputation: 44209
When she starts screaming, don't ask her to stop, or try to bribe her, or do anything. Just ignore her. If she screams because of something you're watching on TV, just drown her out and watch your show. After a while, when she sees she aint doin' any good, she'll settle down. From a voice of experience.
 
Old 06-11-2009, 01:46 PM
 
2,467 posts, read 4,849,004 times
Reputation: 1312
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamsncharms View Post
Thank goodness there are REAL MEN who all don't feel like the poster above or all of us women who have had children before would never meet the MAN we are meant to be with.

I'm happy that my Husband (of 5 years) not only loves me, but loves my daughter as well. She was almost 7 when we met. We did not know each other that long before getting married. We got married because we felt it was the right thing for us and I guess we did something right.

I know its hard for some to believe this, but there are men out their who do and who can care about a woman, and her children despite the fact that some of these woman have ex's that are dirt bags, these men love their girlfriends enough to stick with them.
 
Old 11-15-2009, 01:47 AM
 
1 posts, read 4,987 times
Reputation: 15
Eh, if she got pregnant by a "dirtbag" anyway, I don't think she's a very good judge of character anyway, but since I'm being hypocritical here, I'll explain it to you. I did the same thing but the boy was two. It was really difficult for me, because I was a pretty eligable bachelor who enjoyed his quite time and no girlfriends, then I met her and we were perfect together. However, you do have to have to make an immediate decision. Leave or get married basically. If you decide you want to stay with her, you have to be just as much as a diciplinarian (well probably more from the sound of it) as your girlfriend is.

While I love her very much, and I love her son too; it's really a good idea to just leave that alone. There are billions of people in the world you can find one with the same personality without kids. You will always be number two, which is the way it should be, but when it's for someone who isn't actually you're kid, it just feels different. People who already have kids really should meet other people who also are single parents. More literally speaking, there is no right "one" regardless of what TV portrays, we are not as unique as we would like to think, though there are slight details we do differently than other people, there are only so many personality types.

There will be mothers that may attack and say "nuh uh," but I just say their guy wont admit it;-).
 
Old 11-17-2009, 04:26 AM
 
40 posts, read 160,236 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamsncharms View Post
Thank goodness there are REAL MEN who all don't feel like the poster above or all of us women who have had children before would never meet the MAN we are meant to be with.

I'm happy that my Husband (of 5 years) not only loves me, but loves my daughter as well. She was almost 7 when we met. We did not know each other that long before getting married. We got married because we felt it was the right thing for us and I guess we did something right.

I know its hard for some to believe this, but there are men out their who do and who can care about a woman, and her children despite the fact that some of these woman have ex's that are dirt bags, these men love their girlfriends enough to stick with them.
Ahh, yes the "real men" slur. And what you've written is sentamentalist clap trap, especially given what the OP wrote about his situation.

The poster who wrote that the OP was thinking with his dick was right or it was a combo of thinking with his dick & heart (desire to be a daddy/white knight). Moving in after 4 months is nuts in general. Moving in and then finding out that the girlfriend has let him move in but is not comfortable enough to let him discipline her child and won't do it herself when needed... that says she has NO respect for him. What is he supposed to do, sit there as a mute and take the kid's abuse? Nuts to that, no one should take that.

The only way I see it working is that they both calm the fears of the little girl regarding her place in the home and relationship with the mother/boyfriend and the mother to discipline her when needed. The guy should get the hell out now before he hurts himself, the kid and the mother. Neither of those two have been smart but thinking with their crotches/little heads.

On top of it, that doesn't even get into all the legal issues he has/will have as a "step-dad" and dealing with sperm donor/bio dad. Hell, there are laws in some places that make folks pay child support for kids not theirs because they were "parental influences" for a couple of years. If smart, the guy should run, run now.
 
Old 11-17-2009, 04:46 AM
 
Location: NC
484 posts, read 1,364,313 times
Reputation: 401
Quote:
Originally Posted by rtlange View Post
Eh, if she got pregnant by a "dirtbag" anyway, I don't think she's a very good judge of character anyway, but since I'm being hypocritical here, I'll explain it to you. I did the same thing but the boy was two. It was really difficult for me, because I was a pretty eligable bachelor who enjoyed his quite time and no girlfriends, then I met her and we were perfect together. However, you do have to have to make an immediate decision. Leave or get married basically. If you decide you want to stay with her, you have to be just as much as a diciplinarian (well probably more from the sound of it) as your girlfriend is.

"While I love her very much, and I love her son too, it's really a good idea to just leave that alone. There are billions of people in the world you can find one with the same personality without kids. You will always be number two, which is the way it should be, but when it's for someone who isn't actually you're kid, it just feels different. People who already have kids really should meet other people who also are single parents. More literally speaking, there is no right "one" regardless of what TV portrays, we are not as unique as we would like to think, though there are slight details we do differently than other people, there are only so many personality types.

There will be mothers that may attack and say "nuh uh," but I just say their guy wont admit it;-).
Not every man that a female gets pregnant by starts out as being a dirt bag. Sadly we don't have crystal balls to see the future. If we all had crystal balls, men included, the divorce rate would go down, we would be able to see that our significant other was a dirty bag before even getting involved.

"While I love her very much, and I love her son too it's really a good idea to just leave that alone. There are billions of people in the world you can find one with the same personality without kids"

That statement does not make very much sense to me. I don't think every man in the world shares your views and I don't think that most people rely on TV to see what relationships should be like. Just because you feel there is no true love, does not mean that is true. That is your opinion.

It seems like you are hoping for Mothers to attack you for your post. I think I smell a troll here. Maybe some MEN will step up and comment.

"People who already have kids really should meet other people who also are single parents"

Although this may be the right way for you to live and find relationships. I don't think everyone feels this way.
 
Old 11-17-2009, 04:54 AM
 
Location: NC
484 posts, read 1,364,313 times
Reputation: 401
Quote:
Originally Posted by CalculusE. View Post
Ahh, yes the "real men" slur. And what you've written is sentamentalist clap trap, especially given what the OP wrote about his situation.

The poster who wrote that the OP was thinking with his dick was right or it was a combo of thinking with his dick & heart (desire to be a daddy/white knight). Moving in after 4 months is nuts in general. Moving in and then finding out that the girlfriend has let him move in but is not comfortable enough to let him discipline her child and won't do it herself when needed... that says she has NO respect for him. What is he supposed to do, sit there as a mute and take the kid's abuse? Nuts to that, no one should take that.

The only way I see it working is that they both calm the fears of the little girl regarding her place in the home and relationship with the mother/boyfriend and the mother to discipline her when needed. The guy should get the hell out now before he hurts himself, the kid and the mother. Neither of those two have been smart but thinking with their crotches/little heads.

On top of it, that doesn't even get into all the legal issues he has/will have as a "step-dad" and dealing with sperm donor/bio dad. Hell, there are laws in some places that make folks pay child support for kids not theirs because they were "parental influences" for a couple of years. If smart, the guy should run, run now.
Let me quote a piece of my post that you quoted.

"I know its hard for some to believe this, but there are men out their who do and who can care about a woman, and her children despite the fact that some of these woman have ex's that are dirt bags, these men love their girlfriends enough to stick with them."
 
Old 11-17-2009, 05:55 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
14,785 posts, read 23,996,029 times
Reputation: 27092
Wow I see no respect in this household for you at all and you need to sit down with the gf (girls mom ) and find out why she does not displine her at all for talking back to you and her (the mom ). If she continues not to displine you two will continue to have problems . Do yourself a favor and find your own place away from these two . Good luck .
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