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I worked for a few years after my first child was born and looking back on it, I don't know how I was able to leave him. But that was our reality then was that I needed to work so I guess I tried not to dwell on it. Plus, my husband and I agreed that I would stay home with the kids once we could swing it. I think that helped me as well. We were so fortunate to have a wonderful nanny looking after him which was a life-saver. I knew he was well cared for. You are so lucky that you have family looking after him. That is so great. Just think of the wonderful bond that your child will have with his grandparents. That is incredible. Focus on those postives until you can work it out to stay home. Try not to dwell on the other stuff, it will just make you unhappy. It took us about two years to get to a place where I could stay home. We made sacrifices to do so but I am glad we did...it is amazing how it changes your persepective on what is important. If staying at home is what you want to do than set up a plan, budget etc. and "work" towards your goal.
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I am a SAHM... have been for seven years. I am in play groups and friends with many women who work! Their kids are well mannered, fully functioning, LOVED, adored, great kids... with wonderful parents who are no different than me and have kids who are no different than mine As long as you spend the time you are home with your kids.... QUALITY TIME with your kids and let them know you love them and adore them and WANT TO BE WITH THEM.... that is all that matters! Really... you are doing this because you love them... that is what matters... Good luck....
I have been in your shoes before, so I know exactly how you feel.
First of all, let's examine what your true feelings are.... Guilt? What should you feel guilty for? Are you doing something wrong? NO! You are providing for your child's well-being. Would you be a better parent if you stayed home and the child had to suffer as a result?
I think it is possible that you do feel a negative emotion when you drop off your child, but I don't necessarily think it is guilt. Maybe it is sorrow that you can't spend more time with him. Maybe it is worry (are his grandparents good caregivers?). Maybe someone is trying to make you feel guilty for your choices? I don't know.
To help you feel better, I would make sure to spend as much quality time with your child while you are not at work. I don't know how old you child is, but I used to use my vacation days to volunteer in my child's class and on field trips. I focused on how much money I was able to put away toward their college fund that I would not have been able to save if I were at home.
People like to frame working mothers as selfish, uncaring women that just want a bigger car and flashy clothes. Well, some of us work for our children's future.
I had a really hard time when my son was just over two and I had to put him in childcare. It just tore me up inside! Like you, I had to work--my husband was in school and while he could have gotten a job, I didn't want him to because I felt it would affect his studies and that we would never see him. So we worked out his school schedule so that our son would only have to be in half days. But still!
So I got very organized. I wrote lists all the time. And if needed, the house didn't get cleaned. We joined our local childrens' museum and on Saturday mornings I would take him there--I would prep myself with a latte and then just go full throttle with him, dressing up, running around with a "talking" puppet on my hand... It is also the time we began "mommy dates" and "daddy dates." Often mine would be Saturday mornings and Daddy's would be in the evening (often to a hockey game). We always ate dinner together, too. In the summer, my husband would work away, so I tried to make things easier on me or more fun for the two of us: dinner picnics at the beach were a constant.
You are very lucky that your parents/in-laws are able to take care of your son--you don't have to worry about strangers. Take a deep breath everyday and physically tell yourself that you are a good mom--because you are. Try to have a regular schedule with everyday traditions (eating dinner together, bedtime snuggle) even if he is only an infant. It will help him feel secure and help you to compartmentalize your guilt by looking forward to your routine with him at home.
Most important--take time for yourself, too. It was one of my biggest mistakes. You have to get to the point where you realize that a little "me" time is not only in your interest, but in the interest for the health of your whole family. I think--no, I know--it is easy for many mothers to scrap any resemblence of personal time because it seems like everyone else needs things more. You will get overworked, overtired, and even bitter or resentful after a continual delay of your own needs.
Most important--take time for yourself, too. It was one of my biggest mistakes. You have to get to the point where you realize that a little "me" time is not only in your interest, but in the interest for the health of your whole family. I think--no, I know--it is easy for many mothers to scrap any resemblence of personal time because it seems like everyone else needs things more. You will get overworked, overtired, and even bitter or resentful after a continual delay of your own needs.
You're right I feel I don't do that enough... take time for myself.
Thanks
I think it is possible that you do feel a negative emotion when you drop off your child, but I don't necessarily think it is guilt. Maybe it is sorrow that you can't spend more time with him. Maybe it is worry (are his grandparents good caregivers?). Maybe someone is trying to make you feel guilty for your choices? I don't know.
I was a SAHM for 15 years with my kids. DH and I threw newspapers in the morning for years to make ends meet so I could stay home. However, if it is necessary for you to work now, you need to forgive yourself. If you continue to feel guilty, you will only make yourself miserable over something that you cannot control at this time. When you do get home with your child, don't worry so much about laundry, cleaning, etc. Spend time with him/her. Get hubby to help too.
I know many children who's parents both worked, and they turned out just fine. It's your level of interest that makes a difference, not whether you're there all day or not.
Yeah I feel your pain I wish i could have stayed on with the kids but it was not possible and that was our reality (I guess what made it more difficult was that my mom was an at home mom) with that said I had to return to work my kids both stayed with their grandmother and they are absolutley fine. They love love going to thier grandmothers house and they love it even more when I pick them up. I too have a great job where i can just take off so I never miss the first day of school, recitals, plays, dr. appoints, and I even play hookie from work and surprise the kids during the summer with fun stuff like a picnic in the park just mommy and kids... You dont have to be an at home mom to be a great mom... Look at me I think I'm pretty great - LOL -
I'm a first time mom and I'm feeling guilty that I can't be a stay at home mom. (right now there is no way we would make it on one income)
Even though my son is well taken of by his grandparents I can't help but feel guilty everytime I go and drop him off. I think I'm beginning to feel worse and worse about it as the days go by.
Has anybody else experience this? Any suggestion on how to overcome this feeling?
I don't think you should feel guilty about it if you and your husband honestly can't swing it right now. While I agree with most of the other posters, that staying home with your kids is best, the reality is that this is very tough these days and probably has been difficult for probably a generation now. I'm glad you have a plan for possibly changing that in the future.
I did stay home with my own son till he was about 8 when I began to work part-time and it was a sacrifice, but one that was well worth it. All that said, though, I agree with whoever said that staying home is not the" be all, end all", we can make it out to be. Also, I think the fact that he is staying with grandparents is a big plus too! ( Grandparents, are usually people who also have a deep love and interest in your child like you do.)
Oh yeah...I can DEF empathize.... I stayed at hoem with my son for about 18 mnths... He is severly allergic and it tore em apart sending him to daycare... look on teh bright side... your son gets to bond with his grand parents, he is still getting one-on-one attention, you get a litttle tiem to yourself, plus you get to spoil him on week ends
It's tough on one income you have to do what you have to do and hope they understand.... I have gotten better at leaving him at daycare, but when he falls sick and we are just not able to take a day off form works, it kills me... I think guilt is inherent to mommyhood hang in there
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As long as you spend the time you are home with your kids.... QUALITY TIME with your kids and let them know you love them and adore them and WANT TO BE WITH THEM.... that is all that matters! Really... you are doing this because you love them... that is what matters... Good luck....
( Grandparents, are usually people who also have a deep love and interest in your child like you do.)
