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Old 06-13-2009, 06:08 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,415,062 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by indie05 View Post
My husband and I were talking the other day and he was saying how he had no problem if someone else disciplines our child if we are not around. I don't mind someone correcting him (saying you can't do this because it hurts me , or whatever) but I would take offense to "disciplining" - eg. a time out or a spanking?!? that other people may give my child. This includes grand parents and uncles and aunts for me.

What is everyone else's take on this?
I believe if I do my job disciplining my kids well enough, others won't have to feel the need.

Why would someone else think they should have to? If a child knows to act a certain way when visiting grandparents and aunts and uncles, then it's not a question.

It depends too on what discipline means and under what circumstances. If my family is visiting people, I think it's my job as a parent to keep my kids under control. If a relative was doing a lot of babysitting, then they would have to discipline but discipline doesn't always mean spanking or time outs.
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Old 06-13-2009, 08:02 AM
 
2,839 posts, read 9,953,621 times
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If a family member or trusted friend is babysitting my kids, then of course they can discipline them. I don't mean spanking or abusing... but I've put my niece in timeout before. Maybe my MIL or SIL has put my kids in timeout as well; I don't remember being told about it, but since it's not a big deal, I wouldn't expect a full report if the behavior resolved afterwards.
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Old 06-13-2009, 04:13 PM
 
412 posts, read 935,458 times
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What would you think of a neighbor grabbing your son to stop him from running around in your house, while you were standing there?

One of my relatives did this to his neighbor. The boy was running around, while the neighbor and my relative were talking. My relative grabbed the boy's arm and yelled at him for running, right in front of the boy's dad! I thought that was way out of line.
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Old 06-13-2009, 08:45 PM
 
5,747 posts, read 12,008,849 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skchi View Post
What would you think of a neighbor grabbing your son to stop him from running around in your house, while you were standing there?

One of my relatives did this to his neighbor. The boy was running around, while the neighbor and my relative were talking. My relative grabbed the boy's arm and yelled at him for running, right in front of the boy's dad! I thought that was way out of line.
I think the best thing to do in this circumstance is to address the parent rather than the child, then stand back and let the parent handle the situation.
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:19 PM
 
Location: Houston, Texas
1,668 posts, read 4,684,877 times
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Find the childs parent & let them know there's a problem. If you are watching another persons child, tell the child you will tell the parent what they did when they return. You may want to let the kid have it for acting up while you're in charge, but it's not your place.
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Old 06-13-2009, 11:20 PM
 
Location: Michigan
12,711 posts, read 13,424,130 times
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My view is that caring for a child and disciplining are inseparable. If I didn't have sufficient trust in someone to discipline, they wouldn't be watching the child to begin with.

If they did something I didn't agree with, we'd talk it over and say, "We know you meant well, but here is what we'd like you to do differently next time." If they couldn't handle it, we'd find different arrangements. But I would never give my child to someone who felt their hands were tied with regard to correction.
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Old 06-14-2009, 08:04 AM
 
20,793 posts, read 61,066,170 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alaskan Mutt View Post
When i was growing up all the kids on my block were fair game for any of the parents.
Exactly and I think this is a big reason why kids act like they do today. We knew darn well that if we were doing something we were not supposed to we would get into trouble with the lady down the street that saw us AND she would call our parents and we would get into trouble at home too. Problems at school are also a perfect example of this, parents automatically assume that their child is right and the teacher is wrong now whereas when we were growing up if there was even a hint that you did something out of line at school you were in big trouble at home. Now it is "oh my Johnny would never do something like that", um, right.

I expect that if my child was doing something wrong at someone else's house that that parent would take care of the situation--even if it was something that wasn't wrong at our house but they were not allowed to do at that house.
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Old 06-14-2009, 08:39 AM
 
3,106 posts, read 9,088,375 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by golfgal View Post
Exactly and I think this is a big reason why kids act like they do today. We knew darn well that if we were doing something we were not supposed to we would get into trouble with the lady down the street that saw us AND she would call our parents and we would get into trouble at home too. Problems at school are also a perfect example of this, parents automatically assume that their child is right and the teacher is wrong now whereas when we were growing up if there was even a hint that you did something out of line at school you were in big trouble at home. Now it is "oh my Johnny would never do something like that", um, right.
That's exactly how it was when we were growing up as well - in the neighborhood, at school and with relatives. And if we actually DID do something that resulted in another adult calling our parents? Oy. THAT would have been bad. We were pretty good kids so that never happened but I know plenty of kids that this did happen to and they got additional disciplining & punishment at home.

In one of the neighborhoods we lived in a few years ago, this is how it was - most of us were raised during the 60s/70s and it was discussed openly on several occasions that reprimanding a child for bad/rude/dangerous behavior was actually appreciated. However, no one ever raised a hand to someone else's child.
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:45 AM
 
5,747 posts, read 12,008,849 times
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I recently lived in a neighborhood where most of the parents didn't know one another, so even if they did witness a child's misbehavior, they wouldn't know who to call. It was a brand-new exurban community with very transient residents who worked all the time, so nobody was around much. There were no block parties and the community pool was nearly three miles from our house. Kids were shuttled from one activity to another, and yard work was contracted out. It was just a barren wasteland of very nice houses. The kids who were given free reign were typically adolescents who didn't care who saw them get in trouble, and even if I wanted to report unsavory activity, who would I call?

Fortunately, our family moved into a much older, much more stable community last year. Many of the elementary school teachers live in the neighborhood, and nearly every local family & many retirees volunteer at least some time at the school. As a result, we know the kids and the kids know us. In the summer, the pool is right around the corner, and my kids will spend the entire season there. If I'm not present, all the lifeguards know exactly to whom my kids belong and won't hesitate to send them home if they misbehave, following up with a phone call to report the infraction that got them ousted. Also, there are lots of community groups and activities that bring people together, so a family would have to work very hard to remain anonymous.

The difference between the two neighborhoods is extraordinary, and after living in both, I can see why the kids in our new neighborhood have more freedom and are generally better behaved than the kids in our old one. It really does take a village to raise children, and there just aren't many villages around anymore.

Quote:
parents automatically assume that their child is right and the teacher is wrong now whereas when we were growing up if there was even a hint that you did something out of line at school you were in big trouble at home. Now it is "oh my Johnny would never do something like that", um, right.
I've certainly seen people who parent this way, but I don't believe it's generally the case. If anything, I think many parents automatically assume the worst of their children, without taking the time to hear the kids out. I've been guilty of this myself many times, only to find out that the situation wasn't as clear cut as I first thought.

Last edited by formercalifornian; 06-14-2009 at 10:29 AM..
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Old 06-14-2009, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Bay Area
111 posts, read 315,538 times
Reputation: 142
It takes a Village to Raise a Child
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