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Old 06-14-2009, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,354,751 times
Reputation: 41121

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My kids always knew that their behavior was visible to all and that the adults they were around had every right to call them on it, send them home etc etc. Most of the adults they were around had very similar parenting philosophies to ours so the expected behavior was always pretty clear. Never had a problem.
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Old 06-14-2009, 11:13 AM
 
5,747 posts, read 12,016,817 times
Reputation: 4511
A little off-topic, but since the "it takes a village" point came up, I thought I would add that if you don't live in a "village-style" neighborhood, don't give up hope. One family can make a huge difference! Here are some ways to start:

* Organize a block party to meet all your neighbors.
* Volunteer in your kids' classrooms or the school library (this is a great one, because you'll meet all of the kids in the school, not just the ones in their classes). Learn the kids' names, and greet them when you see them out and about in the neighborhood.
* When your older kids want to go visit a friend, take the time to walk them down and introduce yourself to the family (I'm always surprised when parents don't do this!). If a Mom sits out in the car when she comes to pick up a child at your house, invite her in for a few minutes, offer her a snack, and chat her up while the kids finish cleaning up.
* If your kids walk to and from school, go with them and hang out at the playground while they play. You'll meet lots of other parents. Ask where they live, and make a point to walk or drive by so you'll be familiar with their homes.
* Read your community newsletter, and volunteer when you can! If your newsletter doesn't have a section for young people to advertise their services as babysitters and grass cutters, then start one. Hire a young person to do an odd job for you.
* Take a walk with your kids and introduce yourselves to people out working on their yards. With young children, remind them who lives where when you're out and about (i.e., "That's where Mr. & Mrs. Jones live. Look at how fast their garden is growing! That's Mr. Smith's house. He's owns the dry cleaner next to the grocery store. That's Mrs. Black's house. She's teaches third grade at your school.")
* When your kids want to participate in a sport or activity, look for one in your neighborhood before you commit to something across town. This has the added benefit of cutting down on your driving!
* Walk or ride your bike to local businesses, and get to know the people who work there. Greet them by name.
* Let your young children see you help a neighbor. As they get older, they'll hopefully follow your example.
* Start a pick-up soccer/football/basketball team for the adults in the 'hood. Don't let the kids have ALL the fun!
* Initiate a book club, and choose a parenting book to read and discuss. Or start a mother/daughter book club for summer break.
* If your child & his/her friends would like to learn something that you can't teach (needlework, woodworking, etc.), consider finding an older person in the neighborhood to mentor them.

This kind of stuff doesn't come necessarily come naturally to people who are accustomed to working eighty-hour weeks, but it really reaps rewards for our kids, who will grow up with a sense of belonging. If we expect our children to exercise civility, we have to develop real relationships with others and set good examples for them. It takes time and effort from all of us to raise well-behaved children. We can't just sit back and whine about "those other parents and their monster children." We must all take an active role. That doesn't mean doling out punishments, but it does mean making sure that the children in our neighborhoods understand that we have expectations of them, being involved and watchful, and following up with parents when children misbehave. It means letting other adults know that we want them to come to us if our children are out of line, and not freaking out when they actually do.

Last edited by formercalifornian; 06-14-2009 at 12:31 PM..
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Old 06-14-2009, 12:23 PM
 
1,429 posts, read 4,267,526 times
Reputation: 2049
Yes. If I trust someone enough to leave my child(ren) with them, then yes, they have the right to dicipline my child(ren).

When my son was younger, he spent alot of time with an elderly aunt. she was old school. I told her that if she needed to spank Son she had every right. I also told Son that if Aunt spanked him, hed be getting one at home too. She was put into a nursing hom when Son was 11. She never spanked him, although I would punish (not spank) him for misbehaving when she told me of a problem.

I have once spanked a child that was not mine. Son and his friend were 3-4. They were playing matchbox cars on the front steps. I was washing dishes. The front door was open and I noticed I didn't hear them. I walk to the door and they were on the road racing their cars. I ran the distance (country.... big front yard) to them and windmill spaked them to the front door. I then called the boy's momma and told her I spanked her son. I tried to explain why and she says to me, "Rockin, I trust you with my boy, I know you, I know that if you spanked my boy he needed it".

I think people who do not allow dicipline (not necessarily spanking) by outsiders are doing their children a disservice. One day these children are going to be adults. Even if they do not have trouble with the law, there are going to be supervisors who are going to have to dicipline them. Now-a-days there are not many people who would randomly spank a child, many are even afraid to tell a child what they are doing is wrong. Teachers have a huge problem with keeping order in their classrooms because the children aren't taught that they have any authority. My children miss out on education because the teacher has one or two children who constantly misbehave and take up his/her time and energy.

If my child is in the wrong, I want him/her called on it. With me there or not. For there will be a time when he/she is on their own and I will not be there to guide them in their everyday life, to tell them what they are doing is wrong. When they get to be teenagers, they buck parental authority. What happens if they haven't been taught that there are others who have authority?
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Old 06-14-2009, 03:40 PM
 
2,467 posts, read 4,845,723 times
Reputation: 1312
Quote:
Originally Posted by rockinmomma View Post
Yes. If I trust someone enough to leave my child(ren) with them, then yes, they have the right to dicipline my child(ren).

When my son was younger, he spent alot of time with an elderly aunt. she was old school. I told her that if she needed to spank Son she had every right. I also told Son that if Aunt spanked him, hed be getting one at home too. She was put into a nursing hom when Son was 11. She never spanked him, although I would punish (not spank) him for misbehaving when she told me of a problem.

I have once spanked a child that was not mine. Son and his friend were 3-4. They were playing matchbox cars on the front steps. I was washing dishes. The front door was open and I noticed I didn't hear them. I walk to the door and they were on the road racing their cars. I ran the distance (country.... big front yard) to them and windmill spaked them to the front door. I then called the boy's momma and told her I spanked her son. I tried to explain why and she says to me, "Rockin, I trust you with my boy, I know you, I know that if you spanked my boy he needed it".

I think people who do not allow dicipline (not necessarily spanking) by outsiders are doing their children a disservice. One day these children are going to be adults. Even if they do not have trouble with the law, there are going to be supervisors who are going to have to dicipline them. Now-a-days there are not many people who would randomly spank a child, many are even afraid to tell a child what they are doing is wrong. Teachers have a huge problem with keeping order in their classrooms because the children aren't taught that they have any authority. My children miss out on education because the teacher has one or two children who constantly misbehave and take up his/her time and energy.

If my child is in the wrong, I want him/her called on it. With me there or not. For there will be a time when he/she is on their own and I will not be there to guide them in their everyday life, to tell them what they are doing is wrong. When they get to be teenagers, they buck parental authority. What happens if they haven't been taught that there are others who have authority?
Can't rep you again, But here's 10 points anyways.
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Old 06-14-2009, 07:54 PM
 
Location: Australia
1,492 posts, read 3,222,460 times
Reputation: 1723
Quote:
Originally Posted by formercalifornian View Post
A little off-topic, but since the "it takes a village" point came up, I thought I would add that if you don't live in a "village-style" neighborhood, don't give up hope. One family can make a huge difference! Here are some ways to start:

* Organize a block party to meet all your neighbors.
* Volunteer in your kids' classrooms or the school library (this is a great one, because you'll meet all of the kids in the school, not just the ones in their classes). Learn the kids' names, and greet them when you see them out and about in the neighborhood.
* When your older kids want to go visit a friend, take the time to walk them down and introduce yourself to the family (I'm always surprised when parents don't do this!). If a Mom sits out in the car when she comes to pick up a child at your house, invite her in for a few minutes, offer her a snack, and chat her up while the kids finish cleaning up.
* If your kids walk to and from school, go with them and hang out at the playground while they play. You'll meet lots of other parents. Ask where they live, and make a point to walk or drive by so you'll be familiar with their homes.
* Read your community newsletter, and volunteer when you can! If your newsletter doesn't have a section for young people to advertise their services as babysitters and grass cutters, then start one. Hire a young person to do an odd job for you.
* Take a walk with your kids and introduce yourselves to people out working on their yards. With young children, remind them who lives where when you're out and about (i.e., "That's where Mr. & Mrs. Jones live. Look at how fast their garden is growing! That's Mr. Smith's house. He's owns the dry cleaner next to the grocery store. That's Mrs. Black's house. She's teaches third grade at your school.")
* When your kids want to participate in a sport or activity, look for one in your neighborhood before you commit to something across town. This has the added benefit of cutting down on your driving!
* Walk or ride your bike to local businesses, and get to know the people who work there. Greet them by name.
* Let your young children see you help a neighbor. As they get older, they'll hopefully follow your example.
* Start a pick-up soccer/football/basketball team for the adults in the 'hood. Don't let the kids have ALL the fun!
* Initiate a book club, and choose a parenting book to read and discuss. Or start a mother/daughter book club for summer break.
* If your child & his/her friends would like to learn something that you can't teach (needlework, woodworking, etc.), consider finding an older person in the neighborhood to mentor them.

This kind of stuff doesn't come necessarily come naturally to people who are accustomed to working eighty-hour weeks, but it really reaps rewards for our kids, who will grow up with a sense of belonging. If we expect our children to exercise civility, we have to develop real relationships with others and set good examples for them. It takes time and effort from all of us to raise well-behaved children. We can't just sit back and whine about "those other parents and their monster children." We must all take an active role. That doesn't mean doling out punishments, but it does mean making sure that the children in our neighborhoods understand that we have expectations of them, being involved and watchful, and following up with parents when children misbehave. It means letting other adults know that we want them to come to us if our children are out of line, and not freaking out when they actually do.
Absolutely fantastic post.
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Old 06-14-2009, 07:55 PM
 
Location: The Garden State
1,333 posts, read 2,981,315 times
Reputation: 1387
I had a situation years ago with discipling someone else's kid. I was the owner of a small business and I hired the son of an employee of mine for a part time work. He worked for me one day a week and I paid him at the end of the day right after closing time. The kid who was in his mid-teens was fooling around and after repeaded warnings he still kept goofing off.So at the end of that day I told him I was not going to pay him until next week because of his behavior. I also told him he would have been fired if his dad did not work for me.

A few days later the kid shows up unexpectedly and wants his money. I told him and his father that had he been anyone else I would have fired him. His father was upset and told me "He's my kid and if he need's to be disciplined I'm the one thats going to do it". So at that point I paid the kid and gave another warning that if he does not behave himself right I would fire him the next time.

After that the kid was a good employee and did not give me any trouble. But that day things changed between me and his father. I guess he was insulted that I went over his head and maybe he was right. But I had a business to run and I did what I thought was right at the moment. The father seemed to want to get back at me by doing less at work. He thought he was irreplaceable because he was knowledgeable at what we did. He kept doing less and less, I confronted him and finally had to let him go. It's a shame it ended that way but hey thats life.
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Old 06-15-2009, 11:04 AM
 
193 posts, read 841,094 times
Reputation: 211
my sister is one of those that lets her kids run wild and lets her kids talk back and hit adults......so when I am watching them and my niece tries to hit me, or her baby brother because she didnt get her way, than I feel I have every right to send her to a time out and discipline her. If her mothers there than it isnt my place, but if she is leaving me in charge than yes that person has every right to discipline within limits.
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Old 06-15-2009, 11:46 AM
 
1,122 posts, read 2,307,881 times
Reputation: 749
Quote:
Originally Posted by indie05 View Post
My husband and I were talking the other day and he was saying how he had no problem if someone else disciplines our child if we are not around. I don't mind someone correcting him (saying you can't do this because it hurts me , or whatever) but I would take offense to "disciplining" - eg. a time out or a spanking?!? that other people may give my child. This includes grand parents and uncles and aunts for me.

What is everyone else's take on this?
I do not hesitate to correct children if they are in my line of view. I hope to hell someone is helping me out. The best way to get a kid to behavior is just thinking that someone else might say something. There's nothing worse than a kid who doesn't think they have to listen to anyone except their parents, which they don't anyway.

I have two sisters who are big in spanking and hand slapping. One will slap her kids face and her husband has spanked my daughter, so hard that it was a very lasting tramatic experience for her. I think that because we're not big on spanking, they thought they had to make sure they got the point across their way. (She dumped out a big bottle of shampoo out at age three when left unattended with my nephew at bathtime at age three.) I would give timeouts but would never ever ever hit another person's child. I not big on spanking or hitting at all but I will first send the chidl to the parent to let them deal with it. If it's not working, they are unavailble or they are obviously busy or stressed out, I'll just deal with it myself. First its a conversation detailing the expectations and consequences. Next it's either a bye~bye or a timeout.

My daughter pulled some leaves off my sisters plants once when we spent the weekend with her when she was three. No one noticed until everyone had left. The mentioned it to me. The next time we were there, she asked permission to slap my daughters hand if she did it again. As I said, I'm no into hitting kids but I agreed, on one conidition, and she agreed with that condition. She took my daughter by the hand into a room with no one but her and my daughter into it, her bedroom, and shut the door. She made her make and maintain eye contact with her. She told her simply what she would not touch the plants when she was there that day, that they needed those leaves for photosynthesis (yes she knew the word but any kid would if be concerned because it sounds important), and that if she touched them, she would get her hand slapped. She asked my daughter "Now, what is it that you are not going to do here?" "Touch the plants." "Why?" "They need their leaves for fofosinsi." "What will happen if you touch them?" "You will slap my hand." She NEVER had to slap her hand because she never touched them again. I HATE how we tell our kids a quick comand in an overstimulating environment and expect them to just get it, then sit around and wait for it to happen. It's setting the kids up for it. Taking them aside and doing it this way makes it very clear, especially if someone else besides mom and dad aren't the only ones saying it.

Kids I don't know, if they are in my "space" with no one else there to do anything about it, I will say what I need to.

Last edited by flik_becky; 06-15-2009 at 12:04 PM..
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Old 06-15-2009, 02:54 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,566,646 times
Reputation: 42767
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
Time outs and similar punishments are fine from family members, teachers, daycare providers, babysitters, etc. No corporal punishment from anyone but their dad or me.
I wanted to expand on this because I didn't address the OP's question about "correction." I only mentioned "discipline." I don't mind adults verbally correcting bad behavior or intervening in it when I am not there. I realize I do that too, like at the park or when we're out for a walk. I've told kids to stop throwing rocks, to put the stick down, to stop tearing up flowers, to pick up their trash, to quit harassing animals, to leave the birds alone ... It's not like I am the neighborhood scold, stomping around and bossing little kids. I do tend to speak up when someone could get seriously hurt or when animals or property are being messed with. I use what my kids call the Mommy Voice.
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Old 06-15-2009, 03:57 PM
 
3,086 posts, read 7,588,214 times
Reputation: 4469
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stone28 View Post
I had a situation years ago with discipling someone else's kid. I was the owner of a small business and I hired the son of an employee of mine for a part time work. He worked for me one day a week and I paid him at the end of the day right after closing time. The kid who was in his mid-teens was fooling around and after repeaded warnings he still kept goofing off.So at the end of that day I told him I was not going to pay him until next week because of his behavior. I also told him he would have been fired if his dad did not work for me.

A few days later the kid shows up unexpectedly and wants his money. I told him and his father that had he been anyone else I would have fired him. His father was upset and told me "He's my kid and if he need's to be disciplined I'm the one thats going to do it". So at that point I paid the kid and gave another warning that if he does not behave himself right I would fire him the next time.

After that the kid was a good employee and did not give me any trouble. But that day things changed between me and his father. I guess he was insulted that I went over his head and maybe he was right. But I had a business to run and I did what I thought was right at the moment. The father seemed to want to get back at me by doing less at work. He thought he was irreplaceable because he was knowledgeable at what we did. He kept doing less and less, I confronted him and finally had to let him go. It's a shame it ended that way but hey thats life.
I wouldn't consider that disciplining another persons kid. That was an employee/employer relationship and needed to be handled that way. What the father did was unprofessional.

If the father had not worked for you but the kid did, you likely would have been less inclined to be so lenient in the first place. You did the right thing in telling him to stop and then issuing a warning, in my opinion.
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