Need opinions on a situation with former stepparent (support, activities, children) - Children, problems, school, daycare, behavior, age, teenagers, infants - City-Data Forum

Androgenous · 06-11-2009, 10:44 AM

Imagine that you have a child from a first marriage. That marriage ends and you have a second marriage that begins when the child from your first marriage is only 3 years old.

Your second marriage lasts 10 years or so and then ends when your spouse leaves you unexpectedly for another person.

The step-parent has no relationship to your child from your first marriage other than the step-parenting relationship.

The step-parent now wants to, not only, spend time with the child but they feel strongly about introducing the person from their new relationship to the child.

Every time the step-parent arranges for time to be spent with the child, it is spent with the person from the new relationship as well. The step-parent even insists on bringing the new person to your child's school activities and asserting themselves as an influence on your child

How should I feel about it and why?

maja · 06-11-2009, 10:52 AM

You may not like it, but I think you should learn to live with it (assuming the step parent & friend are not harmful to the child in any way.) Your child had a ten year relationship with the stepPARENT. It would be wrong and harmful of you to now try and interfere with that. I imagine it doesn't feel warm & fuzzy to you to say the least. But, it is in the child's best interest to maintain the relationship. Afterall, that person was their parent for most of their life. Maybe you could join a support group or something to deal with the anger and jealousy you must be feeling. Good luck.

Pandamonium · 06-11-2009, 10:53 AM

How old is the child and what is the child's relationship with the ex-step parent?

Androgenous · 06-11-2009, 11:06 AM

The child is now 15.
During the relationship the bond between them was never very strong. The step-parent, not having any children of their own, did not have a very strong parenting gene so to speak. On the very rare ocassion that I would ask the step-parent to spend alone time with the child, they acted as if it was a chore and the favor would cost me.

It is my opinion that much of the current requests for time with the child is out of guilt for having ignored the relationship with them for so long.

I guess it is my opion that if the step-parent wants to spend time with my child, then why can't they do it on their own? Why is it so necessary to include the other person? To me it sort of reinforces my feelings about the fact that the bond has never been that strong to begin with and the reason they need the other person around is as a backup.

okpondlady · 06-11-2009, 11:06 AM

I think you pretty much have to allow that person to be a part of the child's life. You brought them into the child's life in the first place and after 10 years which is a HUGE part of a 13 year olds life, you want to cut them out. That would be fairly traumatic I would think. What does the child say? Does she want to visit? Does she like the SO? I know it is difficult to see the ex-spouse with their new mate and having them along on a visit just is like digging a knife in your back even more but you have to put those feelings aside as much as you possibly can for the good of the child. They are emotionally attached to SP (Step Parent) and have been for awhile. I would allow it and possibly encourage it. Is there any real reason not to besides your relationship with SP has ended?
Good Luck, I feel for ya hon.

steelstress · 06-11-2009, 11:11 AM

Grudgingly, I would allow it, as the child is 15, BUT, I would not FORCE the child to spend the time if he/she didn't want to. I think the child is now old enough to make that determination. Let he/she decide.

Pandamonium · 06-11-2009, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Androgenous

The child is now 15.
During the relationship the bond between them was never very strong. The step-parent, not having any children of their own, did not have a very strong parenting gene so to speak. On the very rare ocassion that I would ask the step-parent to spend alone time with the child, they acted as if it was a chore and the favor would cost me.

It is my opinion that much of the current requests for time with the child is out of guilt for having ignored the relationship with them for so long.

I guess it is my opion that if the step-parent wants to spend time with my child, then why can't they do it on their own? Why is it so necessary to include the other person? To me it sort of reinforces my feelings about the fact that the bond has never been that strong to begin with and the reason they need the other person around is as a backup.

I think the ex step parent should be told to hit the road in no uncertain terms. I would make sure that they were aware that they were viewed as a threat to the wellbeing of the child and that whatever recourse was available that action would be taken. But, that's just me.

Androgenous · 06-11-2009, 11:45 AM

I think many are missing the point.
I don't mind the step-parent seeing the child and I do in fact encourage it.

But what exactly is the point of them needing to include the new person in their lives into the equation?

I try very hard as a parent to screen those who would have influence over my child. I approve his schools, teachers, friends, etc. If there is someone I don't want him to be influenced by, Ishould have the right to make a change.

But now it seems as though his FORMER step-mother feels it is her right to insert someone into his life without my consent.

I guess my real question is, if the step-mother knows that it's an issue for me, shouldn't she respect my position as the child's father and spend time with him on her own and not include the other person?

maja · 06-11-2009, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steelstress

Grudgingly, I would allow it, as the child is 15, BUT, I would not FORCE the child to spend the time if he/she didn't want to. I think the child is now old enough to make that determination. Let he/she decide.

Good advice!

maja · 06-11-2009, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Androgenous

I think many are missing the point.
I don't mind the step-parent seeing the child and I do in fact encourage it.

But what exactly is the point of them needing to include the new person in their lives into the equation?

I try very hard as a parent to screen those who would have influence over my child. I approve his schools, teachers, friends, etc. If there is someone I don't want him to be influenced by, Ishould have the right to make a change.

But now it seems as though his FORMER step-mother feels it is her right to insert someone into his life without my consent.

I guess my real question is, if the step-mother knows that it's an issue for me, shouldn't she respect my position as the child's father and spend time with him on her own and not include the other person?

Unfortunately, if the ex respected your position as you wish, you two would probably still be together. This does not sound like a situation I would want to be in; but I still think, you gotta go with it, if that is what your child wants. Its gotta be about the child now; not you. Doesn't matter why the ex is doing it as long as the child is not being hurt in any way and he wants it. JMHO. Again, good luck. This is a real tough one.