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Old 06-11-2009, 03:56 PM
546 posts, read 1,888,498 times
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Every now and then when my 5 year old son gets timed out at school, he knows that I get upset, and he always ask me, ‘mommy, do you still love me? He asks in a very sad tone of voice (makes me sad), if you were me, what would you respond? I have been reading books and we were always told to say yes and of course we love them no matter what, but what I worry is if he knows that no matter what he does out there, I love him no matter what, will he keep on misbehaving? Any thoughts to share? Thanks.

also, if he worries so much about me not loving him due to misbehaving in school, why does it still occur occasionally?
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:08 PM
Location: Pittsburgh
1,142 posts, read 2,450,869 times
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I always tell my kids no matter what you do, I will still love you. But that doesn't mean I like what you did. And I still punish them if they do wrong. But I don't yell, and I don't make it an personal issue. I explain why they are getting punished but still keep the door open for any communication.

It's hard with a 5 year old because it sounds like your child is testing the boundries a bit and trying to understand the effects of his behavior. If you stick to your guns and separate the behavior from the child, it should work out fine.
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:42 PM
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"I love you more than you can ever imagine, but right now I don't like your actions/attitude."
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Old 06-11-2009, 05:59 PM
Location: North Carolina
546 posts, read 1,463,307 times
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I say "Even if I do not like your actions or choices, I will always love you. No matter what!" and end with a fierce hug and kiss
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Old 06-11-2009, 06:09 PM
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
2,868 posts, read 8,443,210 times
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"Of course I still love you. I always will. But when you break the rules at school, you go into time out. That is the way it works."
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Old 06-11-2009, 06:11 PM
Location: southern california
55,237 posts, read 72,392,137 times
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its a very important question. many never get the answer but the silence confirms that they already assumed.
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Old 06-11-2009, 07:05 PM
1,425 posts, read 3,520,891 times
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"Of course I still love you. I've loved you even before I laid eyes on you. But, I don't like that you sassed the teacher, but that's not going to stop me from loving you. Sweetie, there are going to be times in your life that you are going to do things and I will get angry.... It will happen. But there is nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you.... even when I am mad as fire. Just so you know, I punish you because I love you. It is my job as a momma to teach you how to behave. Now come here and give me some kisses."

After you have your kisses and he is all happy again, gently remind him that he is on restriction for sassing the teacher (or whatever the offense) with a smile or jokingly say "don't think this means you aren't on restriction" or something like that in a conversational manner.

Kids aren't perfect. they will get in trouble. They will make you mad. It is a good lesson to teach him that you can seperate the person he is from the occasional poor choice he makes.
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Old 06-12-2009, 02:00 PM
Location: Rocket City, U.S.A.
1,806 posts, read 4,992,915 times
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Always reaffirm your devotion. To a young child, one should not be tied to the other. Imagine the horror if your son actually believed you did not love him. However, it should not be used as a manipulation against you or him.

Explain that bad behavior is not condoned and being disciplined has to do with his actions, not love.
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Old 06-12-2009, 03:01 PM
Location: Nova Scotia
458 posts, read 1,136,208 times
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I always tell them my love is unconditional and not based on their behavior/actions/attitude etc even though I love them I may not love their behavior/actions/attitude etc

Even if they did something that would land them in a jail cell, I would still love them. I may not be happy with what they did, but I would still visit and bring homemade cookies, (if I am allowed)

I think as long as you let your son know, that your love is always on and that no matter what he does you will still love him, but you can let him know that somethings he does will upset you and you may not like what he did. I agree that at 5 he is testing his boundaries.
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Old 06-13-2009, 03:30 PM
Location: Michigan--good on the rocks
2,544 posts, read 3,449,900 times
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As has been said;

"I love you, I don't like your behavior right now."
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