U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-17-2008, 05:44 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
5,217 posts, read 4,111,845 times
Reputation: 908

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gurlybabe View Post
I have a friend who wants to move out of her parents house but she is only 17 she will be 18 in sept. but her parents told her that if she tried to leave that they would call the cops so will she get into trouble for that?

LOL.. when I was 17 I wanted to move out of my parents house too.. wished i could.. realized I couldn't really and support myself. so stayed put. I really dont' think your friend will go anywhere. If she does, she'll be a runaway on the street and her parents will hve to call the police as they should.

hey.. she could , if it's possible,, go to college in another year AWAY from home and live in a dorm. OR. she can get a job and start sving to move out (but she should stil go to college).

If I had a dime (well dollar now with inflation!) for everytime I said that I wanted to or would move out of my parents house I'd be a rich woman.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-17-2008, 06:04 PM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,898,310 times
Reputation: 7531
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwizzleD View Post
Im in the same predicament as you are i want to move out really bad my parents aka the people who manage to dictate my everymove say that if i were to move out they would be cool with it but only on 2 conditions 1) if i move out i wont be allowed to move back in (like if something falls threw and im out on the street) and 2) my parents will declare me a runaway that way they wouldnt be legally responsible for anything i do. i just turned 17 and i have a place to move to with some friends i also have a well paying job and am able to pay for rent and all the neccesities the only problem is is that if i am declared a runaway and for some small reason i am to get into trouble with the police the people i would be staying with could get into trouble for harboring a runaway ( because my parents legally declaring me one) if anyone has any answers on how i can legally move out at 17 please Mod: Don't put your email on here...you're asking for problems. Utillize DM feature.


thanx
You know, swizzle, it kind of sounds like you want to move out but have the safety net of 'home' if things "fall threw" and you're out on the street. If your parents are cool with this, then should you get into trouble or have an accident I'm almost positive they will tell the police that it was a mutual agreement for you to leave home. To be honest, I think they are wise - if you are no longer under their roof, then why should they be held accountable for you causing a traffic accident where someone is seriously injured or getting caught up in a mess that may not be of your own doing? Why would they want to put everything they have on the line and still say you are their dependent if indeed you are not? I assume you have a vehicle that you hopefully have paid for yourself and are holding title to, although I don't know how easy it will be to get insurance at 17. If payments are being made on it, it must be in your parents name since at 17 I don't believe you can legally enter into a contract...so that needs to be cleared up first. Otherwise, I hope you're on the bus line for your job. If not, you probably need to suck it up and take your cell phone, iPod, computer and t.v. to your room and wait it out. There's a reason 17 year olds are still considered to be wards of their parents until they reach 18. Believe it or not, unless it literally is a life or death situation, it is in your best interests to stay where you are. Save your money from your job - I can assure you that you will need it when you finally make your move - because life with little more than the necessities is a lot tougher than you might imagine it to be.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2008, 06:48 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
5,217 posts, read 4,111,845 times
Reputation: 908
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwizzleD View Post
Im in the same predicament as you are i want to move out really bad my parents aka the people who manage to dictate my everymove say that if i were to move out they would be cool with it but only on 2 conditions 1) if i move out i wont be allowed to move back in (like if something falls threw and im out on the street) and 2) my parents will declare me a runaway that way they wouldnt be legally responsible for anything i do. i just turned 17 and i have a place to move to with some friends i also have a well paying job and am able to pay for rent and all the neccesities the only problem is is that if i am declared a runaway and for some small reason i am to get into trouble with the police the people i would be staying with could get into trouble for harboring a runaway ( because my parents legally declaring me one) if anyone has any answers on how i can legally move out at 17 please Mod: Don't put your email on here...you're asking for problems. Utillize DM feature.


thanx
If you REALLY feel sure you can do it on your own.. then you can become an emancipated minor..

But really.. you have one more year till you're 18 and not considered a minor anymore. Hang in there, save some money from your job and THEN move out..

Try communicating with your parents in teh meantime. Ask them what they are afraid of when they "dictate" your life to you. Just reassure them and PROVE to them that what you are doing with your time isn't illegal or harmful and perhaps they will have some trust. Tell them you want the space to be your own peron and make your own decisions.

Ask them WHY they don't want you to do something. Tell them that you want to hear why they feel you shouldn't do x or y. Tell them, calmly, that you'll think about it. THEN thnk about it. And.. if you still feel you want to do whatever it is your parents don't want you to then tell them that you considered what they said.. but feel you can handle it for whatever reason and that you really do want to make your own decision.

Maybe.. just maybe your parents have a reason that.. in parents "listen to what I say" and the "teenage defiance" is not getting communicated properly.. you're not hearing them.. they are not hearing you.. BUt .. if you both just take in what the other has to say. maybe.. just maybe it will work itself out.. and your parents can start to see some "maturity" and will be able to know that you can make a decision.

I don't know what the problems are issues are.. I just remember being there. .. AND now being a parent (he's only 2) I want to try to hold on to that and figure out a way to communicate my concerns.. but listen to his.. because he is his own person and I need to remember that.

Just remember something.. whatever your parents are doing (denying you going out or whatever) they are doing out of love and nothing else!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-25-2008, 05:12 PM
Status: "Summer, please don't leave!" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,467 posts, read 25,695,605 times
Reputation: 4201
I'm going through the same thing with my 17 year old daughter now. No, there isn't anything bad going on here, she just wants to become independent. She wants to make all of her decisions on her own and be able to do what she wants. Little does she realize, that it's very expensive to move out. She will be graduating next month. I told her the only way she's moving out is if she's going on to college. Well that's what she's planning on doing. She moving into a dorm and starting college as soon as she graduates. No summer break. We'll see what happens.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-25-2008, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
5,217 posts, read 4,111,845 times
Reputation: 908
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I'm going through the same thing with my 17 year old daughter now. No, there isn't anything bad going on here, she just wants to become independent. She wants to make all of her decisions on her own and be able to do what she wants. Little does she realize, that it's very expensive to move out. She will be graduating next month. I told her the only way she's moving out is if she's going on to college. Well that's what she's planning on doing. She moving into a dorm and starting college as soon as she graduates. No summer break. We'll see what happens.

Im' a mom.. although nowhere near the age your duaghters at (he's 2). So I guess I'm closer to remembering being in your daughters situation than I am at the possibility of being in yours.

However.. one thing I can't understand is this. Most parents have their children live under their roof untilthey go off the college.. if they go away. More often than not the power struggle emerges.. where the teenager wants tomake some of their own decisions.. but the parents do not want to allow them to make their own decisions.. HOWEVER>. as soon as they are 18 and out on their own WITHOUT their parents.. they are then in a position where they only have themselves to make decisions for them. So.. my question to you is this..

Why not allow your daughter some of that independence that she seeks whilst living at home.. allow her to make some of the decisions she wants to make.. guide her... tell her how you feel about them and let her know the consequences of each possible outcome and then let her decide. Isn't it not better to let them "practice" these decisions while still under your parental "supervision" than not allow them any decisions and then send them out into the world. It's kind of like depriving a person of food for a long time and then leaving them alone in a room full of cupcakes. More often than not that hungry person will then gorge themselves on cupcakes rather than eat a few to satisfy himself..

I didn't even go away to college..I had to break into my independence the ahrd way.. basically forcing it on my parents.. BUT.. I did observe that so many of my friends.. and well basically EVERY freshman in college makes the same mistake.. THe first semester is all good.. but the second semester sees a HUGE decline in grades.. and .. well that's because they suddenly find themselves making their own decisions and doing EVERYTHING their parents "wouldn't let them do" or decide for themselves.. often making a lot of wrong choices not having any practice at making some right ones..

Just wondering what you thought about that. Althoug I'm not a parent of a teenager.. it seems to make more sense to allow your daughter some taset of the independence she will undoubtedly encounter when goign away to school.. it may , perhaps, make her more responsible and able to handle those responsibilities if she's had practice doing it before hand...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-25-2008, 06:06 PM
Status: "Summer, please don't leave!" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,467 posts, read 25,695,605 times
Reputation: 4201
I understand what you're saying. That's all I here, just let me make my own decisions. She doesn't want a curfew and thinks I should let her do whatever she wants. If I don't think that she's making a good decision, I tell her, but I don't let her go that way either. It seems, I should let her go that way so she learns why I said that. Prime example: She wanted a certain cell phone that I've read bad reviews about it. She got the phone, sure enough 3 weeks later, she's having problems with it. It seems that she doesn't learn from consequences, which scares me. I tell her, you have a certain amount of minutes on your cell phone. Once they are up, you get your phone taken away. She goes over all the time. I would think that after that happened once, she would learn from it and be more careful. Nope, same thing next month. It seems that it happens with everything. I tried to teach her to be careful with spending. I give her allowance and when she asks for more, I tell her too bad. I think she needs to learn to manage her money. She blows her money as soon as she gets it. Her paycheck is gone before she even gets it. She gets a cash advance at the check cashing place. I didn't raise her this way. I try to teach her to make the right decisions and be responsible and it's very difficult.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-25-2008, 06:57 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
5,217 posts, read 4,111,845 times
Reputation: 908
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I understand what you're saying. That's all I here, just let me make my own decisions. She doesn't want a curfew and thinks I should let her do whatever she wants. If I don't think that she's making a good decision, I tell her, but I don't let her go that way either. It seems, I should let her go that way so she learns why I said that. Prime example: She wanted a certain cell phone that I've read bad reviews about it. She got the phone, sure enough 3 weeks later, she's having problems with it. It seems that she doesn't learn from consequences, which scares me. I tell her, you have a certain amount of minutes on your cell phone. Once they are up, you get your phone taken away. She goes over all the time. I would think that after that happened once, she would learn from it and be more careful. Nope, same thing next month. It seems that it happens with everything. I tried to teach her to be careful with spending. I give her allowance and when she asks for more, I tell her too bad. I think she needs to learn to manage her money. She blows her money as soon as she gets it. Her paycheck is gone before she even gets it. She gets a cash advance at the check cashing place. I didn't raise her this way. I try to teach her to make the right decisions and be responsible and it's very difficult.

Your daughter sounds like me when I was her age... even down to the money part.

Hm.. well.. let me ask you something.. Where is your daughter hanging out that she wants to stay out after curfew? My thing was this.. I was starting going out dancing to clubs (at about 18.. and at 17 I had my first real relationship.. he was older). I wasn't much of a drinker.. and I didn't do drugs. I think the worst fear is drunk driving..

If you don't mind this suggestion..

If your daughter is going out adn wants to come home later than the curfew you established for her.. tell her its' fine.. BUT that you woudl like to have an idea of what time she'll be home. ( in other words.. does she expect to come home at 1 am or 2 am). This will give your daughter the "freedom" to choose what time she'll call it quits. BUT.. will give you a time that she will be home..so that you don't have to worry about her until AFTER it's later than 2 am. I wuold tell her that I am okay with you setting the time that you will be coming home.. BUT I would expect you.. since YOU set the time..to be home on time.. so that I don't have to worry about where you are should you come home LATER than 2 am. I think it's also important to ask her where she is going.. NOT because you are being nosey.. but you would just like to know.. in case.

This gives your daughter the freedom to choose her own time.. but then the resposibility to stick to it.. and it shows that you respect her as an individual.. BUT that you expect the same respect in turn by her being home at the time SHE said she'd be home. (Of course, if she is running late I'd hope she'd have the brains to call so that you don't worry after her set time). AND.. this is VERY important.. I think that if you let your daughter know that while you DO NOT agree or approve of underage drinking.. that if she IS in a situation where she or friends have been.. she can call on YOU for a ride home whatever time it may be from wherever she may be WITHOUT angry words or judgement from you.. Make it like a pact between you and your daughter.. This wouldn NOT give her permission to do it.. BUT should she make a bad choice she atleast will not end up paying a much higher price than the dissappointed look in your eye.. if you know what I mean. I don't think it's about going out and doing all those things.. if you know what I mean.. but knowing that she has the freedom to make the choice for herself.. and she'll make the right choice.

As for the cell phone.. if it's in her name once she's 18 don't pay it anymore and make her pay for it herself. When she runs up the bill and can't pay it it will get turned off and she won't have any cell phone .. and it won't be your fault (becuase you didn't take it away). Too bad you don't have a plan that shuts the phone down after certain minutes are used (although you could ask your plan administrator.. since she is under 18 and you are probably responsible for the bill).

The money thing.. well let me tell you I WAS EXACTLY LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER.. and I didn't get it until .. well probably in my late 20's early 30's.. and still have problems managing money.. I guess I just didn't understand how money worked and I jsut wanted what I wanted.. instant gratificiation.. and also was rebelling agaisnt what my parents were saying (don't spend your money).. I only heard the Dont dont dont.. without hearing the why because i guess it might not have really been explained. I'm learning now how to INVEST my money.. and I only racked p credit cards when I stopped working when I had my son.. and NOW I have to pay that all down again. (eek!!!). But.. I DID learn and the only way I was going to learn it is on my own. Yes.. my parents bailed me out a few times from economic messes (althougn not so big.. but still) and now I have to bail myself out my own messes (which I have to say. .my husband is the primecause of.. he's a little behind me in the learning about money thing..LOL) Needless to say.. that lesson will only be learned when she makes the mistakes and realizes later what she did wrong.. but then she may correct it and then some ( I hope to learn all about investing and build a nice diversified portfolio for myself!!! ). As parents I guess the only thing we can do is sit back and watch them head for that wall and hope that they don't hurt themselves too bad (I will be teaching my son about stocks starting when he's about 9 !!! and having him invest in it at that point too .. I read a great book called Wow the Dow).

Anyway.. I hope you don't mind the "advice" .. again.. I'm not a parent.. BUT.. I am a former 17 year old and not quite where you are with a perspective that might be a little different.. Im' the inbetween you and your daughter generation.. LOL. She's really just trying to find out who she is,. what her limits are and she's also looking to be treated as an adult that she is starting to feel she is becoming. Better to let her have some rope to hang herself now than later when she's completely out on her own..

Oh.. boy.. she is going to be a PRIME target for credit cards when she goes to college.. OUCH!!! I remember how I fell into that trap at 18 & 19! But you won't be able tos top it.. she'll be a better person for having learned it on her own even if it takes a few times before she really gets it.. it took me awhile too!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-25-2008, 07:01 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
5,217 posts, read 4,111,845 times
Reputation: 908
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I understand what you're saying. That's all I here, just let me make my own decisions. She doesn't want a curfew and thinks I should let her do whatever she wants. If I don't think that she's making a good decision, I tell her, but I don't let her go that way either. It seems, I should let her go that way so she learns why I said that. Prime example: She wanted a certain cell phone that I've read bad reviews about it. She got the phone, sure enough 3 weeks later, she's having problems with it. It seems that she doesn't learn from consequences, which scares me. I tell her, you have a certain amount of minutes on your cell phone. Once they are up, you get your phone taken away. She goes over all the time. I would think that after that happened once, she would learn from it and be more careful. Nope, same thing next month. It seems that it happens with everything. I tried to teach her to be careful with spending. I give her allowance and when she asks for more, I tell her too bad. I think she needs to learn to manage her money. She blows her money as soon as she gets it. Her paycheck is gone before she even gets it. She gets a cash advance at the check cashing place. I didn't raise her this way. I try to teach her to make the right decisions and be responsible and it's very difficult.
Get her Suzy Ormans book Young , broke and fabulous.. it's AWESOME and a good thing for her to read about managing moeny while going to college and even after college. Heck.. i read it .. wish I would have had that book a long time ago..LOL
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-25-2008, 08:09 PM
Status: "Summer, please don't leave!" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,467 posts, read 25,695,605 times
Reputation: 4201
You do sound like her. She's not a bad kid, but she sure is ready to do everything on her own. She tries to try me for everything. She does call me all the time and picks the phone up right away. As far as staying out late, all she really does is hang out at her friends house. (nobody has money, lol) Occasionally, she'll go out to a club. She's pretty open with me about drugs and alcohol. She has told me she has drank on occasion. Although I don't approve of it, I'm glad she's honest. She doesn't like drugs at all, she's against them. I just hope she learns this money thing. The credit cards scare me, but what can I do? My husband and I have excellent credit. I'm always watching the money, my husband can get careless at times. (that's where she gets it from) I'll tell her about the book. As far as moving out, if she's going right to college, I don't mind. Otherwise, she can wait till she's 18.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-25-2008, 10:56 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
5,217 posts, read 4,111,845 times
Reputation: 908
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
You do sound like her. She's not a bad kid, but she sure is ready to do everything on her own. She tries to try me for everything. She does call me all the time and picks the phone up right away. As far as staying out late, all she really does is hang out at her friends house. (nobody has money, lol) Occasionally, she'll go out to a club. She's pretty open with me about drugs and alcohol. She has told me she has drank on occasion. Although I don't approve of it, I'm glad she's honest. She doesn't like drugs at all, she's against them. I just hope she learns this money thing. The credit cards scare me, but what can I do? My husband and I have excellent credit. I'm always watching the money, my husband can get careless at times. (that's where she gets it from) I'll tell her about the book. As far as moving out, if she's going right to college, I don't mind. Otherwise, she can wait till she's 18.
As far as moving out.. I didn't until I moved inwith a Boyfriend in Brooklyn when I was 23. I didn't go to college adn so my parents and i butted heads until they finally just gave up.

Funny.. I was the one always breaking curfew (and Iwas just hanging out too.)..etc. (I'm the oldest) and so I did everything first. I tried pot once.. hated it and never had any desire to do any kind of drugs EVER.. they scared me. I did drink on occassion but by teh time I was 21 I realized I didn't like howI felt the next day and since I'm the type of person that has fun without alcohol didn't really need it. I'm noe 33. My brothers, who were "perfect" (ones a PHD , the other an engineer.. one in late 20's the other just turned 30) and who I pretty much broke my parents in for.. well he confessed to my mom that he tried WAY more drugs (when I really never tried any..LOL). Turns out that I was the "angel..LOL"

Your daughter sounds like she's got a head on .. you just need to allow her to be who she is and be an adult.. and know that you raised her right and that will be with her (it was with me.. yeah.. made some poor choices.. but in the end.. I always had my parents in my head telling me stuff.. even if they weren't actually there telling it to me)..

and hey..I turned out okay.. I have a beautiful son, a wonderful husband (took me a lot of frogs though.. some my mom and dad liked, some they didn't) and now own a house and am self employed (okay.. money I'm still trying to get a handle on but for other reasons than irresponsibility or for the same reasons as the past)

Good luck.. I think you'll all be fine!

Just think.. when she comes home from break after being on her own for awhile.. it will be even harder to have her following your rules when she's home ..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top