Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-02-2009, 02:24 PM
 
1,429 posts, read 4,267,526 times
Reputation: 2049

Advertisements

I think this is a combination of being a child of divorce, feeling that your children get the best of "his" father, beeing a teenager, not knowing where he fits, and lax parenting.

Yes, it is inappropriate for him to be mean to others, but has anyone ever taught him how to express himself without meanness? Has anone ever told him that it is okay to be mad, but not okay to hit? That it is okay not get straight A's in school (not everyone is book smart) but it is not okay to be lazy about your schoolwork?

It seems to me that this boy has tested his boundries all his life. Finding that nobody seems to care enough to tell him no, he feels out of control and acts accordingly.

I amy be wrong, but that is my perception from being a COD, a parent to two great stepkids, and a parent to a 15 yo boy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-05-2009, 04:19 AM
 
141 posts, read 426,693 times
Reputation: 75
I'm not trying to offend you by saying this, but perhaps you should seek some therapy for yourself to help you deal with your feelings toward your stepson?


Quote:
Originally Posted by NicoleJ View Post
From the time he was 2 until he was 12 he was horrible to my children. HORRIBLE.
How can a two year old be SO horrible? They're 2... behavior at that point can still very well be modified with decent parenting. Sorry, but that sentence makes it sound like you decided to hate that kid from the very beginning.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NicoleJ View Post
When he's here, he follows my son around 24/7. It's driving him (my son) crazy. I mean to the point of when my son came in the living room to try to sleep alone, my ss followed him in here and slept on the floor instead of staying in the room to sleep.
It sounds like he just likes the kid, or wants to bond, or needs attention.

While you may think you are hiding your bad feelings towards your stepson, he most likely knows of your disdain. Can you imagine how he must feel? His father lives across the country, with new children that get to live with his father 24/7, his father's wife dislikes him to the point of not trusting him to be around the other kids... he's probably really offended and hurt. It sounds like this kid just needs some love, security and boundaries and at this point in his life, he'll probably never get that. Sounds like he's just acting out for attention (and maybe he has problems that your husband never knew or told you about.)

I know you wanted people to be like "ugh he's awful", but sorry, I just feel bad for him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-05-2009, 07:23 PM
 
3,872 posts, read 8,689,203 times
Reputation: 3162
I actually never said how I wanted people to feel. I said I was venting. I never said he was SO horrible at 2, I wrote that to show how long he's not gotten along w/ my son.

There are no "new" children. For the past 13 years, we've been together. Like I said earlier, I don't trust him b/c of sooo many things he's said and done to my kids.

I've already gone to therapy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-06-2009, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Baldwin
372 posts, read 453,800 times
Reputation: 1171
Quote:
Originally Posted by treat View Post
How can a two year old be SO horrible? They're 2... behavior at that point can still very well be modified with decent parenting. Sorry, but that sentence makes it sound like you decided to hate that kid from the very beginning.
I am glad for you that you are able to believe this... HOWEVER...

You have no idea. Even at 2 a child can be absolutely devoid of any ability to empathize with anyone and can therefore be an absolute terror and danger to others and themselves. These children are the products of bad circumstances and can be changed through intensive parenting... but just because you have never experienced a horrible 2 year old doesn't mean that a 2 year old can't be horrible. There are cases of children under 5 killing pets and even siblings, so don't pass judgement on someone else frustrated by their 2 year old's behavior. You simply have no idea what they may be dealing with.

As the OP said, she was simply venting. Personally raising a difficult child I can understand her need to unload in a safe environment such as this. I really feel bad for everyone involved. Divorce is just tough on everyone.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-06-2009, 09:08 AM
 
Location: Camberville
15,798 posts, read 21,314,184 times
Reputation: 28025
Well, for one, your SO should be ashamed of himself for moving away from his already troubled son. Fathers like that don't really deserve to be fathers at all. Of course this kid is screwed up! His dad moves in with a new woman (and while this may be more than a decade old, you're still not his mother) who hates him and is parenting her children full time. And then he up and abandons his son. Visiting a few times a year does not cut it and is irresponsible parenting. It's obvious that he's feeling guilt about his bad parenting because he's refusing to parent over the issue of failing.

You don't have to deal with him more than once a year? Imagine how he feels. How awful. I'd certainly treat my step family like crap if I was in this situation at his age. In his eyes, you all are the problems since while you might say you hide your disdain for him, your children don't seem to.

Of course your children won't fail in school. They have two full time parents who love them and no real outside force that despises them. It doesn't matter to them that their father is failing at his first responsibility. Guess he's making up on the 2nd try.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-06-2009, 09:34 AM
 
3,872 posts, read 8,689,203 times
Reputation: 3162
You know, I don't mind people talking about me, but you don't know my husband, you don't know the circumstances, and you damn sure don't know enough to say he shouldn't be a father. How dare you? He didn't abandon his son.

I sincerely hope you aren't a parent - I'd hate to have a parent who was so judgmental. Imagine what the kids must be like.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-12-2009, 08:23 PM
 
Location: TN
264 posts, read 817,431 times
Reputation: 290
nicoleJ...I am in a similar situation to yours and I know how it feels...my stepdaughter came to live with us about 4 years ago and it has been HELL ever since. She was taken away from her crazy mother (my husband's ex) by DSS and, after a court battle that I wish in retrospect we had not won, was given to her father and me when she was 12. After having many, many problems with her (lying, manipulating, failing school, etc), we decided to send her to a school for troubled kids to try to get her some help (they had live in trained couselers their). She told us she was really happy there and loved it, yet she ran away after 6 months, was missing for 4 days, had an amber alert out for her, the whole nine yards...turns out she was just out having a good ole' time, getting drunk and smoking pot and having sex with many different strangers that she had just met. So...school kicked her out and she went to live with her grandparents, bc I told my husband, nope, she can't come home (we have two 5 year olds and a 2 year old together). I told him it is not safe or healthy for our young, innocent children to have to be exposed to such unhealthy, out of control behavior. After having lived with his parents for about 6 months now...they have decided that she is too stressful to deal with and they are sending her back to her father at the end of this month. For the sake of our younger kids, we have decided that dad is moving out and getting an apartment with his now 16 year old daughter (who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the midst of all of this). It is so hard to have to explain to my children why daddy is leaving. People who are not living with this situation dont understand and can judge as much as they want...but, in the end, you know if you are/have done the right thing for your family..your ENTIRE family. while i feel sympathy for my stepdaughter and your stepson,,,we cannot allow our innocent children to be sacrificed.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-12-2009, 08:28 PM
 
3,872 posts, read 8,689,203 times
Reputation: 3162
Wilson3, I'm sorry. Your problem is much worse than mine. I hope that you and hubby can figure out how to get it worked out, if only for the babies sakes.

Thank you for understanding!

Some pretty intense things went on here last week and I've told my husband that while he can come next year b/c he is his son, he cannot stay for a long time (he's here for 3 months now). He can stay 3 - 4 weeks next time and that's all.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-17-2009, 04:45 AM
 
Location: NC
484 posts, read 1,363,497 times
Reputation: 401
Quote:
Originally Posted by IHOP View Post
Having been one myself, I see this poor kid as the product of a divorce. What I read you saying (and what he perceives as well) is "his son... my kids". This boy knows/feels that he doesn't belong to anyone or fit in anywhere. I am sure that even with his bio-mom he has issues because he isn't getting the healthy family relation building he needs and desires. He just wants a normal family and that is already blown for him. I totally understand your frustrations because we have adopted a boy and we are experiencing the same things. It is hard. But having been on the other side myself, I ask you to consider what he is going through.

He needs to know he is loved... unconditionally. He needs to feel secure. He needs to know in no uncertain terms what the boundaries are, and that if he crosses those boundaries, he will still be loved, but there will be consequences to bear. I wish you well.
I totally agree with your post. Can you imagine finding out that your Step mother had disliked you for over 10 years? I think alot of kids are given the title of being "bad" when their are other issues going on. One poster mentioned Asbergers. He could have social issues and have no idea how to act around other children. I feel bad for this kid I wonder if anyone has sat this kid down and said, hey.. you cannot act this way with telling lies and and what not and given him consequences. I guess it is easier for me to say since I'm not in that situation. I am however speaking as a former troubled child.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-17-2009, 05:09 AM
 
Location: NC
484 posts, read 1,363,497 times
Reputation: 401
Quote:
Originally Posted by wilsonmom3 View Post
nicoleJ...I am in a similar situation to yours and I know how it feels...my stepdaughter came to live with us about 4 years ago and it has been HELL ever since. She was taken away from her crazy mother (my husband's ex) by DSS and, after a court battle that I wish in retrospect we had not won, was given to her father and me when she was 12. After having many, many problems with her (lying, manipulating, failing school, etc), we decided to send her to a school for troubled kids to try to get her some help (they had live in trained couselers their). She told us she was really happy there and loved it, yet she ran away after 6 months, was missing for 4 days, had an amber alert out for her, the whole nine yards...turns out she was just out having a good ole' time, getting drunk and smoking pot and having sex with many different strangers that she had just met. So...school kicked her out and she went to live with her grandparents, bc I told my husband, nope, she can't come home (we have two 5 year olds and a 2 year old together). I told him it is not safe or healthy for our young, innocent children to have to be exposed to such unhealthy, out of control behavior. After having lived with his parents for about 6 months now...they have decided that she is too stressful to deal with and they are sending her back to her father at the end of this month. For the sake of our younger kids, we have decided that dad is moving out and getting an apartment with his now 16 year old daughter (who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the midst of all of this). It is so hard to have to explain to my children why daddy is leaving. People who are not living with this situation dont understand and can judge as much as they want...but, in the end, you know if you are/have done the right thing for your family..your ENTIRE family. while i feel sympathy for my stepdaughter and your stepson,,,we cannot allow our innocent children to be sacrificed.
I too was taken away from my crazy mother, Foster homes and a placement home. I ran away from there twice. I didn't go having sex or doing drugs and all that though. Nobody wanted to deal with me. Your step daughter is a person too and equally as important as your two five year old children and your 2 year old. What a shame that she cannot be treated as a human being and be allowed to live with you and your children and their Father and be taught what it is like to be in a loving family, with counseling and help of course for her being bipolar. I wish I would have had that at that age. I felt so awful as a kid when I went through all of that. It was very hard knowing that there was really not one person who gave a good crap about me. At 16 years old, I went out on my own. I lived with my best friend at the times family who were nice to me. I worked, graduated High School and at 18 got my first apartment ect.

It is sad that your Husband has to move out in order to live with his daughter. Can't you give her a chance?

Last edited by AutumnOrange3; 07-17-2009 at 05:14 AM.. Reason: left out.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top