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Old 04-17-2007, 12:51 AM
 
Location: Twin Cities, CA
199 posts, read 1,009,655 times
Reputation: 81

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Quote:
Originally Posted by leavingcali View Post
My mom had me when she was 18. Later, in her 30s I believe, my parents tried having another one but couldn't due to my dad (same dad, not sure what happend there). She did have indometriousis (i know this isn't spelled correctly) and had a hysterectomy at 45. I am an only child, and my mom was adopted, so I have no idea what the fertility history of my family is. My dad has a few sisters, all who have conceived, but I think they were younger than I am now when they did.

Here's another question--how long does a woman need to be off of the pill before she is fertile again? I have been on the pill for a good 10 years now and I wonder if that will affect my chances.
While you can get pregnant right off the pill, it often takes as long as 6 months for your body to get back to normal. The pill can reduce later fertility as well, especially if you've been on it a long time. Endometriosis can also make it difficult to conceive. On the other hand, pregnancy often helps heal mild endo. Because your mom had it, you probably have a higher chance of having it. The pill can mask the symptoms; did you have really painful periods before you started the pill?

Hope that helps.
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Old 04-17-2007, 05:26 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,432 posts, read 24,199,022 times
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I too am childless by choice. I was very honest about not wanting kids. I told my husband this many times before we married. Well, one day he told me he always knew I would change my mind. So, we agreed to do the parent test. We would borrow a baby and see what life was like post parenthood. I had a friend with a 3 mo old baby. She needed some time off and agreed to let us take the baby for a week. For 1 week, we did it all. Bathing, poopy diapers, feeding, the whole works. We got up for work hours early to do the drop off at daycare and pack the diaper bag. We were up at 4am on the weekend with a crying baby. After that week was over, my husband was a changed man. He said I had saved his life!

That was 30 years ago and he is still grateful! I thought this was a really good idea. Try it before you buy it. If you don't know the parenthood thing is right for you, why not find out? And you give some deserving and tired mom a little time off. Either way, you will have a much better idea what you are signing yourself up for!
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Old 04-17-2007, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Rocket City, U.S.A.
1,806 posts, read 4,992,915 times
Reputation: 843
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampaguita View Post
It does not always pay to wait.

I am 41 & struggling to conceive my first child. My diagnosis? My age - my eggs are older & therefore have chromosomal abnormalities which becomes more prevalent as we get older.

I've been trying for 2 years. We also wanted to wait to be more financially stable. Our decision has put us in a huge financial hole.

I have hundreds of on-line friends who are in their mid 30's-early 40's also struggling with infertility. Locally, I have more than a dozen friends of this age bracket struggling to get pregnant for the first time.

While modern science has been a huge help to many people trying to get pregnant it does NOT work for everyone. I've cycled 6 times & spent close to 60k trying to get pg.

If I knew then what I know now, I would not have put off trying to get pregnant until I was 39.

I'm not trying to scare you. I am just putting forth another real-life perspective.

Good luck with your decision and baby dust to you when you take the plunge!

I will support this statement - I was in my thirties when we actively began attempts and all ended in early miscarriages. Forward a few more years, where I discover that I am already (and have been) peri-menopausal, with levels that would not support a pregnancy and eggs that were no longer "viable". I was 37?

The party line now is for women in their thirties, after *6 months* of unsuccessful attempts, to seek out professional assitance to diagnose possible fertility issues.

As far as the finances go...well...get together with your husband and go over the numbers, but if you are responsible folk, don't let that be the reason you wait...money will always need to be MORE.
Make sure you both want the same thing and have the same ideals with respect to child-rearing. Figure out NOW if you are planning to stay home/finish school/go back to work/utilize daycare or family...iron that stuff out, since it can create some stress.

Good luck!
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Old 04-17-2007, 01:31 PM
 
17,157 posts, read 22,161,261 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I too am childless by choice. I was very honest about not wanting kids. I told my husband this many times before we married. Well, one day he told me he always knew I would change my mind. So, we agreed to do the parent test. We would borrow a baby and see what life was like post parenthood. I had a friend with a 3 mo old baby. She needed some time off and agreed to let us take the baby for a week. For 1 week, we did it all. Bathing, poopy diapers, feeding, the whole works. We got up for work hours early to do the drop off at daycare and pack the diaper bag. We were up at 4am on the weekend with a crying baby. After that week was over, my husband was a changed man. He said I had saved his life!

That was 30 years ago and he is still grateful! I thought this was a really good idea. Try it before you buy it. If you don't know the parenthood thing is right for you, why not find out? And you give some deserving and tired mom a little time off. Either way, you will have a much better idea what you are signing yourself up for!
yellow, like you, i have quite a few married friends that choose not to have kids,,,,its thier business,,, i support them.
after reading your post, i totally respect,,,what you choose to do,,however,,i do disagree, with the so called "trial" of borrowing someone elses kid.
why??? well, i remember before i had a kid,,,,baby's screaming was very annoying,,,kids acting up,,,whining,,very very annoying,,thinking to myself,,"where are the parents,,and why dont they discipline the little brats!"
after having a kid,,,,of my own,,it doesnt annoy me half as much,

i guess my point is,,its different when its your own,,,when the child is born,,,when you hold it for the first time,,,,,,,just an experience that changed my life,, all the firsts,,,,and knowing its yours,,to watch grow thru the years,,,(and not give back)
now dont get offended i disagree with what you chose,,to do,
just offering an opinion
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Old 04-17-2007, 01:49 PM
 
2,775 posts, read 2,577,430 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leavingcali View Post
I'm 29, and I have been married for 3 and 1/2 years. My husband and I both want to be married for 5 years before we have a baby (assuming we can procreate). However, sometimes I worry about my age. I will be almost 31 by the time the 5 year anniversary rolls around. Is that too old, too young? (I hear that the older you get, the harder it can be to conceive, AND, the mother and baby's rates of health and delivery problems go up. Additionally, how far along financially should one be before they have children? Many, many, many people tell me that you'll never have enough money or be "ready" to have children, so just have them. What are your thoughts on this? It seems irresponsible to me, but then again, it is so hard to "make it" nowadays. Maybe it is impossible to be as financially ready as one would hope.
What are your thoughts and experiences regarding this topic?
I haven't read the rest of the thread replies because I have my own opinion on this. I don't see why you want to wait plus I see several reasons for not waiting.

First key point - why wait 5 years?... what significance is that number? It seems like it was pulled out of a hat. Honestly, waiting to have children won't be an indicator of a successful relationship, not even close. First, you both need to want to have children (is waiting 5 years just a delay tactic to avoid having children?). Second, you both need to already see eye to eye on the future roles and responsibilities of the mother and father. Lastly, you both need to see eye to eye on approved methods for parenting.

Will you have more money in 5 years, or have seen significant career progression (yourself) - perhaps. Will that money help make things better for when you finally have children - definitely no guarantee there. Having children is expensive, no doubt about that, BUT having a lot of money doesn't make having children easier (I'm certain of this). You can have all the gadgets, clothing, other baby items/toys ecetera but unless you can and want to physically afford someone else to take care of your infants and toddlers for you, you will need a lot of time, energy and patience to be a good parent (of course love too). The comment about never having enough money to raise children is right on - the only exception is when you can literally afford a 24/7 nanny... then I think you have enough money :-)

Second key point: Waiting has major drawbacks - for real, not fantasy conjecture drawbacks. What you read about age and the physical body of the mother-to-be is right on. A lot of career-minded women learn this when they finally decide to conceive or to start trying. A few lucky and very outspoken ones (because they do not realize how lucky they are) manage to not experience any age-related drawbacks to waiting. Here's what is fact... once you're in your late 20s to early 30s, your body's fertility and fecundity decrease... it becomes harder to get pregnant, and the increased likelihood of problems once pregnant is there. Yes, the layperson cannot tell, but inside your getting older and the female body was meant to give birth a good 10-15 years earlier than most career-women actually do these days. Medicine can do a lot, but the cost of trying to get pregnant in a few years may offset any increased income you potentially have. Ironically, I do know several couples which had a rude awakening, they waited, and then when they "started trying," it took over a year and a half to get pregnant - so they waited even longer. I know with me and my wife, we were young, but it still took time. Barring that, once you do have a child there is a statistically significant increased likelihood of a birth defect such as Down Syndrome or perhaps a developmental issue which goes undiagnosed until later years.

OK - now for some relatively new findings... age of the man does matter as well. It was long thought that men well into old age were fertile... this is true... but what has been recently been confirmed is that as the man gets older the quality of the sperm DNA decreases, which increases likelihood for birth defects as well. This is new science though - only the past few years. What has been established is that as men get older the viability of their sperm decrease, so it will be harder to get a woman pregnant.

Lastly, keep in mind that as you and your husband age, you will definitely have less energy (none of us are getting younger), and wouldn't it be great to have as much as possible to enjoy your children's younger years, not on the couch, but on the floor playing with your kids? I think it is.

At the end of the day obviously a personal decision.

What do I personally think, as an overly analytical male who now has multiple children.... I think my god, I wish I had more energy - please Lord give me some, and while you're at it, let me keep my hair too! *smirk*

Well, other than that I think you sound like you want to start having children now. You're hunting for reasons to back that up. You've been given a lot of them now. If your husband wants to wait, perhaps he has good reason, so hear him out. The worst thing that could happen is that you have children and he doesn't want them - then you'll have resentment to deal with and that's not cool.
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Old 04-17-2007, 03:12 PM
 
2,775 posts, read 2,577,430 times
Reputation: 2967
Quote:
Originally Posted by mainebrokerman View Post
yellow, like you, i have quite a few married friends that choose not to have kids,,,,its thier business,,, i support them.
after reading your post, i totally respect,,,what you choose to do,,however,,i do disagree, with the so called "trial" of borrowing someone elses kid.
why??? well, i remember before i had a kid,,,,baby's screaming was very annoying,,,kids acting up,,,whining,,very very annoying,,thinking to myself,,"where are the parents,,and why dont they discipline the little brats!"
after having a kid,,,,of my own,,it doesnt annoy me half as much,

i guess my point is,,its different when its your own,,,when the child is born,,,when you hold it for the first time,,,,,,,just an experience that changed my life,, all the firsts,,,,and knowing its yours,,to watch grow thru the years,,,(and not give back)
now dont get offended i disagree with what you chose,,to do,
just offering an opinion
Well said - I experienced this as well. Actually, I still have tremendous tolerance for my own children compared to others. I try to temper it, but my children are the apples of my eye for sure... As others have posted, when my first was born I never knew I could love anyone so much... I want nothing but success and happiness for my children.

It was also after I had my first child that I then had the epiphany of how much my own parents love me. It made me realize that I had taken them for granted for too long and I doubted their motives mistakenly for many years when we had disagreements. I only hope I can impart to my children more successfully than my parents did me, about how I am definitely on their side and only want the absolute best of everything for them.

All that said, I've some people I know, and others in my own extended family that should never have been parents. Some never did, and that was good - they recognised it themselves. Others, had children with disasterous results because quite frankly, they weren't cut out for parenting. In any case, a personal choice. I'm glad with my decision for sure
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Old 04-17-2007, 04:52 PM
 
48 posts, read 241,623 times
Reputation: 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
We would borrow a baby and see what life was like post parenthood. I had a friend with a 3 mo old baby. She needed some time off and agreed to let us take the baby for a week. For 1 week, we did it all. Bathing, poopy diapers, feeding, the whole works. We got up for work hours early to do the drop off at daycare and pack the diaper bag.
A friend dropped off their 3 month old baby with you for a WEEK?!? Gosh, my kids were like 2 years old before I let them spend ONE night at their grandparents house.
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Old 04-17-2007, 06:33 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,432 posts, read 24,199,022 times
Reputation: 24745
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtla View Post
A friend dropped off their 3 month old baby with you for a WEEK?!? Gosh, my kids were like 2 years old before I let them spend ONE night at their grandparents house.
My friend was trying to recover from bronchitis and was a single Mom. Dad was in the military. They have to learn to take their breaks whenever they can get them! She did still visit! And check up on us to see that we were doing things right.
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Old 04-17-2007, 07:45 PM
 
2,833 posts, read 9,602,470 times
Reputation: 1651
yellowsnow, I agree with mainebrokerman...borrowing a child is nothing like having your own.
I love my dog to death, she is the best dog on earth, but if I borrowed the neighbors dog before getting mine and based my decision on that, I'm certain I wouldn't have wanted one.
I'm not making any judgement on your decision to not have children, but I don't think borrowing one is any way to make such an important decision.
You can borrow a car for a week, and know you'll like it or not, but a baby??
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Old 04-18-2007, 04:09 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,432 posts, read 24,199,022 times
Reputation: 24745
Quote:
Originally Posted by I LOVE PA! View Post
yellowsnow, I agree with mainebrokerman...borrowing a child is nothing like having your own.
I love my dog to death, she is the best dog on earth, but if I borrowed the neighbors dog before getting mine and based my decision on that, I'm certain I wouldn't have wanted one.
I'm not making any judgement on your decision to not have children, but I don't think borrowing one is any way to make such an important decision.
You can borrow a car for a week, and know you'll like it or not, but a baby??
For me, it was enough to reinforce my initial feelings that motherhood was not for me! I think that 1 week was a lot easier than real life because we knew it would end. There was light at the end of the tunnel. I had a good idea what it was like to have a child and I knew my husband didn't. He needed to learn that poopy diapers happen in the middle of your TV show and always come first! It's quite inconvenient!

I did tell him we could revisit this topic any time we became wealthy enough for full-time live in help!

Hats off to all of you who manage to be good parents while working full time and running a house. I don't know how you do it!
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