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Old 06-30-2009, 08:37 AM
 
551 posts, read 852,764 times
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My third and youngest child a boy who will be three in July (I have two girls also 10/7).

For about the last year (seems to be that long) he'll say "I HATE YOU" to everyone around him. He'll say it especially when we try to correct him on various things, even when we correct him in a loving way. ("Time for dinner"...."I HATE YOU".)

He will also hit, scratch, pinch, throw toys and spit on his parents and sisters. He throws big fits in stores and restaurants.

BUT, when he's done doing that he'll turn around and be the sweetest, most loving child you have ever seen. He'll walk around and kiss everyone several times, even the dogs! He does this spontaneously, not always after he has a "fit". He'll tell us all he "loves us".

We've tried the time out chair/step. Didn't work for us because it was a huge struggle to keep him there and we tried it for several months.

I admit to swatting him on the butt a few times (through his diaper and pants) and am not proud of that. I'm afraid that could be what triggers him to hit us now.

Lately we resorted to putting him in his room for 5-10 minutes. He doesn't like that, but after we take him out, he'll apologize and then go right back to what he was doing before.

He's a good kid. We just want to help him through this stage but it seems to be lasting a very long time.
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Old 06-30-2009, 08:44 AM
 
Location: Virginia Beach
522 posts, read 1,849,211 times
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Could it be something the kid is observing in the home? For example, you and the wife argue in front of the kids and then make up afterwards. If that's the case, maybe try to avoid arguing in front of the kids. I find that kids typically mimic their parents.

I know my 2y/o daughter would get her winnie the pooh and put him in the corner and she'll say "Bad Pooh!" However, we just stick our daughter in time out but we don't call her bad, she got that from somewhere else.
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:13 AM
 
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He says "I hate you" because it gets a reaction. Any reaction to it is a reward and confirms the behavior works. Give it *nothing*, or if you feel you must acknowledge it, tell him, "I know you're angry, and I know you don't really hate me." And just let it go.

When the behavior stops being rewarded, he'll stop doing it.

For the fits and hitting... we have that problem with our three year old now, and we simply tell her to go to her room until she's ready to behave. Not 5 or 10 minutes, but until *she* decides to behave. Sometimes that is a few minutes, other times it is hours and hours. But the behavior is not acceptable after a timeout, it is *never* acceptable, and thus is never tolerated. She is banished from family participation until she decides to behave properly. In those cases where she thought she could go to her room, then come right back and start the bad behavior again, she is sent right back to her room. Lather, rinse, repeat.
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:33 AM
 
Location: SATX
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Scarmig seems to have some good advise. But I also would like to let you know something else. Please keep in mind this may not apply to your situation at all, but just a heads up, because it very well might.

When you say "We just want to help him through this stage but it seems to be lasting a very long time.", there is indeed a chance that this may last a lot longer than a few months. I have a seven year old that still tantrums, and likes to say ugly things, including I hate you and much worse. It as a lot to do with emotional maturity, and self-control. My son, who is not rewarded for such behavior, and spends time alot in his room in such instances, thinking it is a torture-chamber, still does it. There are fewer fits these days (than at 4 years old), but he has a temper and just explodes about things.

I used to say time-out didn't work, but it was exactly how you are stating it:

"We've tried the time out chair/step. Didn't work for us because it was a huge struggle to keep him there and we tried it for several months."

Then I found out, that it does work, but yes it is A LOT of work for me, because what I do is make him stay in his room till he calms down, quits his ugly behavior, and apologizes. Many times, just getting him to stay in his room seems to be like the end of the world for my child, and I have to take him back in (physically remove, and put back in his room), over and over and over.....
I have had times when this has gone on for an hour, others, he is able to begin to calm himself after only one or 2 times being put back in his time out.

Also, I will point out to you, as you already seem to be aware:

"I admit to swatting him on the butt a few times (through his diaper and pants) and am not proud of that. I'm afraid that could be what triggers him to hit us now."

If you continue to "swat" your child for these instances, it's like putting gas on a fire. When I was spanking mine, I noticed the anger level getting worse and worse. My child is still a "high-strung" individual that probably has more to do with personality than environment, and he will get angry and say ugly things, but he doesn't try to hit me.

The reason I am telling you about my situation is that is good for you to know that this "phase" may be a little longer than just a few months, and in fact you may have a "difficult child", I know mine is. I love him all the same, and yet it is very frustrating.

Another point of reference for you is that my other older child is also a boy and acts, nor has never actied anything like this. Each child is different, and yes, even some more difficult than others, and we as parents just have to love them all the same, but without letting them run over us. Continue your time outs with him, but like Scarmig says, he needs to stay in time out till he is ready to be nice. If you have to go and check every 2 or 5 minutes and ask him, that might be a good measure. I know my child never voluntarily stays in time out, so the first few minutes is spent forcing the child to stay there, and then when they actually calm down you can start your time from there.
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:35 AM
 
416 posts, read 405,240 times
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Why are you asking strangers?

Did you ask yourself, "Can I cope?", before you had a child?
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:46 AM
 
2,884 posts, read 5,912,098 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Craig121 View Post
Why are you asking strangers?

Did you ask yourself, "Can I cope?", before you had a child?
There is no parent ever in the history of humanity that has not had days where they feel overwhelmed by their responsibilities as a parent.
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:50 AM
 
416 posts, read 405,240 times
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I just get the feeling that posters here who give advice to people with children are "helping in the upbringing". The mother and the father are the parents, not the mother, the father and half of City Data!!
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:52 AM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,024,408 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Craig121 View Post
Why are you asking strangers?

Did you ask yourself, "Can I cope?", before you had a child?
WTF???? No one knows what being a parent is like before they ARE one!

OP - I have 2 boys, almost 6 and almost 4 years old. There are differences between their personalities, but over all my boys behaved the same way at 3 years old. I call them bipolar because of the extremes Some of it is a phase that he will grow out of, but I do think discipline is necessary to teach right from wrong. We use time outs. It seems like it doesn't work in the short term, but I hope in the long run, it will. Recently we started giving both boys marbles for good behavior and taking them away for bad behavior. A certain number of marbles means a reward, like a trip to the park. losing too many means we skip the fun outing that day. The time out is the immediate punishment, and the marbles are more cumulative. Seems to be working ok. He also acts out WAY more when he's tired. I try to make sure he rests when he needs it.
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:53 AM
 
2,884 posts, read 5,912,098 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Craig121 View Post
I just get the feeling that posters here who give advice to people with children are "helping in the upbringing". The mother and the father are the parents, not the mother, the father and half of City Data!!
So you think it is bad parenting to seek advice or experiences from other parents when facing a parenting problem?
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Old 06-30-2009, 09:55 AM
 
416 posts, read 405,240 times
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No. its not bad parenting, but some would say, "He doesn't know what he's doing".

Being a parent is overwhelming - NOW - and this is the biggest reason why families should band together more.
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