Rookie with Discipline Decision to Make... (stepmom, spanking, support, toy)

[jbar]

My wife and I just got married in May and the eldest of my two "new" stepsons just turned 7 (his mom and I have dated since he was 4, so he has spent plenty of time with me and i've had disciplining rights for quite a while now...never really needed them). Since it's been "made official" though, his behavior has really went down hill big time...back talking, not minding, etc.
My little 8-year-old stepbrother has always spent alot of time with me and due to our 22-year age difference, has kind of thought of me as a second dad since he was 3. I have never had to more than give him an "I mean it" look to get his attention, but he is really feeding off of my oldest son's new attitude now and they are turning into quite a handful together when my little brother is staying for the weekend.
Today I took both of them (along with my younger son) to the store with me and they know not to wander off...we've had this discussion many times, including today. What do they do, though?...walk away the second I turn to talk to the check-out lady! I turned back to finish emptying the cart and only the 4-year-old was in sight...the two older kids nowhere...just like that! The littlest didn't know where they were going, just said "they went that way". I flipped out with horror afraid someone could snatch them before I found them...probably an over-reaction, but you know how it is. The check-out clerk had to put my things aside as I held up the line and went on a kid hunt. FINALLY found them in the sporting goods section looking at camping stuff as if nothing was wrong! I was scared nearly to the point of tears and told them they were both in big trouble. All I got was a shoulder shrug from my brother and a one-word "sorry" from my oldest.
Their in my son's room now awaiting their fate and being new at this whole thing, I thought i'd enter a parenting forum post and see if anyone was out there reading. I'm really considering spankings for both, but i've never done that before (don't really know how to be quite honest) and I know it will change my relationship with both. I've always been "fun" with them..not really the disciplinarian type, but something has to be done and I really don't think a time-out, etc is going to get the point across to these little guys...they're not worried at all, I can tell. Actually, I can hear them laughing in there right now...and they're supposed to be standing in their respective corners not talking. My wife supports spanking the 7-year-old if needed, although he has never had one...hasn't needed it until recently. I have called my dad and stepmom too (they are on a trip out of town) and they are both o.k. with it too if I really think my little brother needs it...again, if would be a "first" for him too.
I know I need to act within an hour or so if i'm going to, so I may have to make a call here without any feedback from the group, but thought i'd give it a shot. I've gotten some good advice by reading these posts in the past. Real advice only please!...I DO NOT have time for activists or people without kids just "browsing" through! Thanks all!

[stanman13]

A spanking may be just the thing to call their attention to the problem. If you're not comfortable with that, it's ok. They definitely need a good arse chewing. Whatever you do, add a little dramatic flair to it. Don't be afraid to make them just a little bit afraid of your reaction.

If you spank, keep it under control. Make it sting a bit, but no serious pain. I don't recommend the pants down thing, either. 3-5 swats on the butt, with noise and a stinging will get their attention pronto.

You need to draw the line right now, or you will be dealing with bigger problems in the not too distant future. You are the Dad, not the buddy.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

Edited to add: A very important part of a spanking is the discussion about WHY they are receiving this punishment. Make sure they understand the problem. At their age, they can understand the dangers of running off.

[mamom1]

If these boys are 7 and 8 they should know better than to wander off, especially if you just discussed it with them.

I have always steered clear of the spanking as I don't really see it to be very effective in the long term. What I would do is take away something prized by the boys for a week or a couple of days. Explain to them that because they wandered off and could have been kidnapped or hurt, they are going to lose a favorite toy/game/computer/tv show-you get the picture, for a week/couple of days. When you give it back to them, remind them of why it was taken in the first place and if they wander off again, it will be taken away longer.

It is tough when the kids don't view you as a disciplinarian(sp?). They need to know that when they don't listen there will be consequences. Eventually they will get it. Hang in there

[Belinda_Cooperstone1]

I think these two boys are old enough to know better and the fact they are in there laughing as you type this tells me they do not take it serious. I am one for a swat on the butt. Not a full on abuse the ass situation. But a good sting. I think you need to go in there ask one to leave and give the other a swat, explain why, then have the one who got the swat to leave and have the other come in for his swat.

I know there will be people in here against it, but I pose this question, did you really NOT get a swat when you were a chit? if not you are to young to know what we are saying anyway. If so and you don't approve you were probably abused. A little swat in the butt never hurt anyone. Ask a Judge! I bet he got one.

[Stratford, Ct. Resident]

Originally Posted by jbar

I have called my dad and stepmom too (they are on a trip out of town) and they are both o.k. with it too if I really think my little brother needs it...again, if would be a "first" for him too.

"They're ok with it if he really needs it". That doesn't sound like your father and stepmother are exactly enthusiastic about your idea. Your stepson is obviously between you and your wife to decide on, but i think you're going to seriously regret laying a hand on your stepbrother. It's not your place to be the 1st person to physically discipline him.

[hothulamaui]

I think an hour or so after the fact is a bit late for a swat on the but. I would do something like take away a highly valued toy or no tv for a few days. spanking only teaches them it is ok to hit and to fear you. seems there should be a better way.

[hypocore]

I say take the Love and Logic approach. Tell them both that you don't know just yet what you will do and let them build up some worry about it before doing anything.

Then explain that the logical consequence is that since they cannot be safe at a store they cannot accompany you there next time. And make that happen. Make a big deal about going and taking the younger one with you and treat him to something since he did know how to be safe. Tell them you are so sorry they made the choice to not be safe, but that they just can't go if they can't be safe.

[stanman13]

Originally Posted by hypocore

I say take the Love and Logic approach. Tell them both that you don't know just yet what you will do and let them build up some worry about it before doing anything.

Then explain that the logical consequence is that since they cannot be safe at a store they cannot accompany you there next time. And make that happen. Make a big deal about going and taking the younger one with you and treat him to something since he did know how to be safe. Tell them you are so sorry they made the choice to not be safe, but that they just can't go if they can't be safe.

That is a very good suggestion. Reps to you.

[rockinmomma]

I, too think the time for a spanking has passed.

Here is what I'd do. I'd fine a chore for each to do.... seperate from the other. Something totally gross.... washing the trashcan, scrubbing the toilets, something along those lines. That would be for tonight. then tomorrow, I'd take the 4 yo to an activity the older ones would enjoy. (transformers anyone?) When they protest, say something along the lines of "Well, little Jimmy won't wander off at the theater, so he can go" then turn and walk away. 'nuff said.

[camrynh]

I'd make them go to bed early, and I'd take something HUGE away. For awhile. At least 2 days. LIke, a gameboy, or tv rights, or legos, or whatever they're in to.