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But here's the thing. 7 years ago I was a senior in college and had my whole adult life ahead of me. I could have gone anywhere and done anything I wanted with no strings. I work in the Aerospace industry so being able to move around is kind of a big deal if you really want to go anywhere with your career.
Then I met the woman I would marry. She already had a daughter. Instead of looking for a job anywhere I narrowed my search to a 500mi radius to keep both her and myself closer to our families. Got a good job, got married within a year, bought a house, had 2 more kids over a 4 year period....basically I fast-tracked myself into a life that I didn't intend to lead (but I told myself it was what I wanted). At 25 I was living the life of a man in his late 30's. I never would have thought that at 28 yrs old I would be (1) Married, (2) A father, (3) of 3 Kids, (4) with a mortgage. When I was 20 yrs old I wanted none of those things but I got them all at nearly the same time. I'm basically broke. I mean I'm earning a good living but I've got no money to enjoy my life....and I'm not sure I ever will, honestly.
My average day goes like this.
I sleep as late as I possibly can before I have to get out of bed and go to work (you'll see why later). I make the 25min drive to work from my suburban home. I do my job for 9 hrs. It's an ok job...no complaints really...it's a job. Then I go back home.
When I get there I'll likely have to deal with some new issue with our 2 yr old (like yesterday when he tried to flush his entire poopy diaper down the toilet...potty training f-ing sucks btw) Sometimes my wife is so drained from having to deal with his nonsense that I have to cook dinner for everyone...which is wonderful...I spent 10 hours away from home and when i get there I have to cook for everyone. Not saying I blame my wife but I just can't stand having to do that. Then I rationalize that if I were single I'd have to make my own dinner anyway....so it balances itself out.
After dinner it's now time to begin the struggle to get them all into their pj's and into bed...a process that never seems to become completed before 10pm. Get all the kids down, turn around and there's one standing there wanting a bedtime snack or complaining about their throat hurting so they can go get a drink out of the kitchen. Have to tell them 'no', they cry, then eventually we give in and get them something.
I'd like to be headed to bed by 10pm also but I feel like I've had ZERO down time the whole day so I stay up with my wife and watch shows we couldn't see live because our kids were being too damn loud. While we're watching said show we'll get at least one visit from each of the kids (yeah....they're all supposed to be in bed already). They f-ed up my show I was trying to watch....because mainly....they just didn't want to be in bed.
OR
Sometimes I'll play an online video game with some of my friends....if they're still up....which they aren't most of the time b/c they deal with the same crap that I do every day (married with kids)
OR
I'll attempt to have some 'quality time' with my wife...which will be declined....because....she's tired from dealing with the kids. Good thing though....the kids still aren't all asleep at midnight and would have probably walked in on us.
Wait....Midnight? Damn....I wanted to be in bed already. Now I'm only going to get 6 hrs of sleep....just like last night....and the night before...and the one before that.
Rinse and Repeat
Well, all I can say is hang in there. Life will get a little easier for you I think, as the kids gain some maturity and ability to manage themselves a little more. I'm also not a good one to advise this since I never put this into practice with my own son, but I have heard talk of people (much more organized than myself) who actually have their young children in bed by 8:00 p.m. I think this would make a difference for ya right there.
Dr Jones - Sounds like my day too (only I'm the wife at home with the kids all day). The good thing about having kids pretty young is that when they are grown, you will still have life ahead of you to do whatever you want. Some of our best friends had kids at about 20-21 years old. It was really hard at first, but now they are in their 40's and free to do what they want, basically.
But here's the thing. 7 years ago I was a senior in college and had my whole adult life ahead of me. I could have gone anywhere and done anything I wanted with no strings. I work in the Aerospace industry so being able to move around is kind of a big deal if you really want to go anywhere with your career.
Then I met the woman I would marry. She already had a daughter. Instead of looking for a job anywhere I narrowed my search to a 500mi radius to keep both her and myself closer to our families. Got a good job, got married within a year, bought a house, had 2 more kids over a 4 year period....basically I fast-tracked myself into a life that I didn't intend to lead (but I told myself it was what I wanted). At 25 I was living the life of a man in his late 30's. I never would have thought that at 28 yrs old I would be (1) Married, (2) A father, (3) of 3 Kids, (4) with a mortgage. When I was 20 yrs old I wanted none of those things but I got them all at nearly the same time. I'm basically broke. I mean I'm earning a good living but I've got no money to enjoy my life....and I'm not sure I ever will, honestly.
My average day goes like this.
I sleep as late as I possibly can before I have to get out of bed and go to work (you'll see why later). I make the 25min drive to work from my suburban home. I do my job for 9 hrs. It's an ok job...no complaints really...it's a job. Then I go back home.
When I get there I'll likely have to deal with some new issue with our 2 yr old (like yesterday when he tried to flush his entire poopy diaper down the toilet...potty training f-ing sucks btw) Sometimes my wife is so drained from having to deal with his nonsense that I have to cook dinner for everyone...which is wonderful...I spent 10 hours away from home and when i get there I have to cook for everyone. Not saying I blame my wife but I just can't stand having to do that. Then I rationalize that if I were single I'd have to make my own dinner anyway....so it balances itself out.
After dinner it's now time to begin the struggle to get them all into their pj's and into bed...a process that never seems to become completed before 10pm. Get all the kids down, turn around and there's one standing there wanting a bedtime snack or complaining about their throat hurting so they can go get a drink out of the kitchen. Have to tell them 'no', they cry, then eventually we give in and get them something.
I'd like to be headed to bed by 10pm also but I feel like I've had ZERO down time the whole day so I stay up with my wife and watch shows we couldn't see live because our kids were being too damn loud. While we're watching said show we'll get at least one visit from each of the kids (yeah....they're all supposed to be in bed already). They f-ed up my show I was trying to watch....because mainly....they just didn't want to be in bed.
OR
Sometimes I'll play an online video game with some of my friends....if they're still up....which they aren't most of the time b/c they deal with the same crap that I do every day (married with kids)
OR
I'll attempt to have some 'quality time' with my wife...which will be declined....because....she's tired from dealing with the kids. Good thing though....the kids still aren't all asleep at midnight and would have probably walked in on us.
Wait....Midnight? Damn....I wanted to be in bed already. Now I'm only going to get 6 hrs of sleep....just like last night....and the night before...and the one before that.
Rinse and Repeat
Your post made me laugh in recognition. Hang in there.
... I have heard talk of people...who actually have their young children in bed by 8:00 p.m.
Well....that's generally the time we shoot for. It's just that by the time they actually stay there...it could be 10p. Right now it's especially difficult because it doesn't get dark here until after 9p. They don't like to go to bed if it's still daylight outside. We've talked about blacking out their windows so they think it's night time.
I think this is exactly the similar opinions that are held across the board that make many people choose certain lifestyle that may not be suited for them. Not saying that this is not a rational thought and not a good choice, but it's not for everyone, clearly not. I doubt that even this is a choice that majority of people would take had they being honest with themselves.
This is the reason I've been postponing to have kids and still not sure if I am willing to make such sacrifices and then sit there complaining like my sister. I know I would be unhappy already, so is my only choice to remain childless? Or follow on the footsteps of my friend and endure criticism and being called selfish. I don't think my friend's twins have a bad life, they are very well taken care of, they probably have more street smarts and interpersonal skills than most of their sheltered counterparts and they are definitely more responsible, which will make their life in the adult world easier. I guess, they are more mature even though they are younger than my niece and nephew.
I believe that if you have to sacrifice every single thing that you used to enjoy as a childless adult for your kids (however many you manage to have) you may end up in the similar situation as the OP, or at least your chances having same feelings of resentment are greater. People who find a healthy balance between catering to their kids and still allowing themselves a few of the pleasures they used to enjoy are less likely to wonder what their life would have been had they not had kids. Yes, I believe you have to give up certain things you used to do, but not everything and nobody should be telling you how often you should go on a date with your husband or to the movies or what kind of vacations you should have, or whether you should hire a nanny or stay at home, or living in a large house vs. the apartment, etc.
The truth is we are all different and we don't all fit the same mold. it is easier for some people to make these life choices and they don't consider this a sacrifice, but for others it's breaking their entire world and when they decide to break their world just to follow on the footsteps of other parents, they are not likely to be happy. I think most important thing is not giving your kids the childhood that others say is appropriate standard but to be happy enjoying being a parent (and your kids will enjoy it too!) then you are much less likely to have second thoughts.
No, not everyone has to move to the burbs and be a soccer mom. However, keeping your exact same lifestyle after kids is impossible. It just is. If keeping your life exactly as it is now is your priority, then you probably shouldn't have kids. If you are ok with going out sometimes, but not as often, and ok with spending your money on clothes for your kids, and not so much yourself anymore, and, no matter where you live, spending some of your Saturdays watching soccer or t-ball, or whatever, then go ahead and have them. Life SHOULD change when you have kids. I don't mean NEVER do anything for your self, but much less, and usually only after the rest of the family is taken care of. That's just how it is.
I think you are comparing not two different parenting styles, but two different maturity levels. The key to your friend's example is that your friend had her children later in life, after accomplishing something and maybe after getting to understand herself better.
I live the life of your sister (even more isolated than suburbia, - a rural area) but my timing of having kids had nicely come together with my readiness to quit my career, the rat race, I was tired of the large city life, - that was the time in my life when I wanted to get a quieter, simpler life, regardless of the children.
You see, I'd be the same mother in the city settings, it wouldn't matter. I think I know just how your friend makes her kids efficient... It takes a bit more of self-assurance and a helping of tough love that mature parents possess, versus younger parents who sometimes wouldn't know how to handle kids' growing egos...
So what you see in front of you, are people whose parenting skills were influenced by their different maturity levels when they entered their parenthood, - not the socioeconomic factors that you think influenced their parenting styles.
While I agree whole heartedly with maturity playing a huge factor in these differing parenting styles I also wholeheartedly disagree it has anything to do with age. Maturity is not based only on age. I was a youngish parent (I had my oldest at 22) but my age had nothing to do with my readiness or ability to parent. I was married, had a good business, and owned my own house, which my husband and I built and purchased with our own earned funds.
Some people mature as they get older. Some people never do. And some people mature much earlier than their age related peers.
The only reason I point this out is not to start a debate, but to hopefully counter effect any ideas people may have in regards to parents who started earlier than the stereotypical "perfect age to become a parent". Yes, some younger parents are no where near ready. But some older parents are not either. So again, it has to do completely with maturity, but not so much with age itself.
While I agree whole heartedly with maturity playing a huge factor in these differing parenting styles I also wholeheartedly disagree it has anything to do with age. Maturity is not based only on age. I was a youngish parent (I had my oldest at 22) but my age had nothing to do with my readiness or ability to parent. I was married, had a good business, and owned my own house, which my husband and I built and purchased with our own earned funds.
Some people mature as they get older. Some people never do. And some people mature much earlier than their age related peers.
The only reason I point this out is not to start a debate, but to hopefully counter effect any ideas people may have in regards to parents who started earlier than the stereotypical "perfect age to become a parent". Yes, some younger parents are no where near ready. But some older parents are not either. So again, it has to do completely with maturity, but not so much with age itself.
I agree with you - maturity and age don't necessarily correlate. I was mostly talking about maturity in my post (maybe interchanging "immaturity" with "youth" unnecessarily, I should have been clearer).
Well, all I can say is hang in there. Life will get a little easier for you I think, as the kids gain some maturity and ability to manage themselves a little more. I'm also not a good one to advise this since I never put this into practice with my own son, but I have heard talk of people (much more organized than myself) who actually have their young children in bed by 8:00 p.m. I think this would make a difference for ya right there.
My dh is the organized one in the family and he started to put the kids down at 7-8pm. It is nice.
This isn't a criticism but you seriously could have the kids in bed by 7:30 every night. You're enabling their behavior by your own account--giving in when they cry for soemthing, etc. My kids were in bed at 7:30 every night, and were asleep by 8. They woke up early of course (about 6am) because they had gone to bed early, but that evening time w/o them seems like it would be important to you.
Seriously, you might just need to talk to someone about how to get the kids to bed (and stay in bed) early. It's not that your kids are that different from those going to bed at 7:30--it's just how they are being treated at bedtime. Might make your evenings a lot nicer!!
Dinner? Hm...again, that's just something you could possibly work out. I made dinner at about 11am every day b/c I wasn't tired and I could get a few minutes here and there. Starting dinner at dinnertime--whether it's you or your wife, is not fun and not really the time for it when you have little kids who start to get all whiny in the evening. Or make double of a few things on the weekend and freeze them and voila, you have a couple of weekday meals already done.
Sounds like with some logistical planning, you could vastly improve things!!
This isn't a criticism but you seriously could have the kids in bed by 7:30 every night. You're enabling their behavior by your own account--giving in when they cry for soemthing, etc. My kids were in bed at 7:30 every night, and were asleep by 8.
I have to agree with this. My 7 yr old is in bed by 7:30 and is allowed to read for an hour before lights out and my 2 yr old in bed and stays in bed by 6:30. It's all about setting ground rules and being consistent in sticking with them. Yes, you're going to have a couple of awful nights as you start to implement this, but if you stick to your guns the kids will learn.
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but I have heard talk of people (much more organized than myself
) who actually have their young children in bed by 8:00 p.m. I think this would make a difference for ya right there.
