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My wife and I have been married for 20 years, and if we didn't have two young sons, we would have broken this thing up long ago. We are not compatible. We do not get along at all. We live in a state of surly, sullen coexistence broken up by infrequent, nasty fights. Our older son is very much hurt by these fights, and when he speaks up about it, my wife lashes out at him. That makes me lash out at her. Although I think this is only a remote possibility because I am mild mannered and restrained, I fear that our conflicts will become bloody and physical. She was raised in a violent home and is full of rage because of that and many other issues. She has tried, many times, to inflame violent confrontations. I have not fallen for it, but God knows it's tempting.
I raised her son from the age of 8 - he is now 30 - put him through a very elite boarding school and college. I used to have a fairly prominent position in the media, but since I lost that, I have not been able to find employment. Meanwhile, because of my earlier financial and other support, she has been able to build a consulting business that brings in lots of money. Still, we are not financially doing as well as we should because of high expenses, a lack of income (mine) and her overall financial mismanagement.
Because I am unemployed, she is very, very abusive and nasty toward me. She browbeats, nitpicks and demeans me at every opportunity. I have always had a very strong sense of self and a lot of pride in my abilities and achievements, but being unable to find a real job for a decade (and being with her) has destroyed me psychologically.
I am scared of divorce for many reasons, but the most prominent is that I am afraid of losing my sons. They are 12 and 8 and I have been their primary caregiver from birth. She has worked, very hard, while I stay at home and write for little money. I am very afraid that the courts will make me a very much part-time dad, and I will not be able to accept that. The only thing going right for me is my relationship with my kids, and if I lose that, I might as well be dead.
But - I am ready to file for divorce because every minute I am in the home I am in agony. I am sick of her pettiness, her paranoia, her insanity . I walk on eggshells because I am afraid that anything I do or say will set her off into her rages or her surly silences. I am so lost and out of sorts I simply do not know what to do. I have gone to counseling on my own - she won't do it - but talking to someone once every two weeks doesn't make much impact.
I cannot find a job of any kind because my background seems to scare off all employers. Couple that with the fact that there aren't too many jobs out there for middle-aged people with Ivy League liberal arts degrees who have been underemployed for a decade.
We stay together because the kids need two parents. Neither of us grew up in a two parent home, and I swore that I would never leave my kids. But I am at my wit's end. I have grown to hate my wife (even though I do still love her - how is that possible?), and I know she hates me because she would not treat me with such contempt if she didn't.
I am beyond miserable. I know that divorce will cause more misery to myself and the children. I don't think it will hurt her one bit.
By the time kids are in school, they are well aware of tension and unhappiness between parents. But because of this horrible economy folks are not divorcing like they used to and staying together because that seems to be the only way to house and feed the family. Isn't there anyway a couple could sit down and decide this marriage is over and we have children who need us so can't we decide to live separate lives but stay in the same house to continue to co parent? Maybe it sounds extreme but I do know some who have made it work. Either way the whole family would benefit from therapy-if not to save the marriage to at least learn how to co exist.
Does she know you feel this way..? Maybe you need to do a separation to get her to come to her senses.. it sounds like a very miserable life and life doesn't need to be that way
Sounds like marriage counseling would be a good idea. The kids are unfortunately already invovled. You said you were a church goer; well utilize your church services as I'm sure they would have some. If not, most health insurance offer mental health services (many people don't know that). If you got coverage, utilize it.
You would be surprised at what a fresh perspective from a professional can do.
i woudl have gone after him to the bedroom and threw the cake to his head!in addition i woudl have gone next day to the lawyer!!
i can not understand you, women to suffer like this?do you not have any proude???hwy would you let a man treat you like this???he totally disrespect you and your marriage!!!and acting like this in front of the kids!!you do not need something like this in your life,you have the right to be respected and happy.And for your children is better to COME FROM A BROKEN HOME,than live in ONE.It could damage them long term,is this,what you wnat them to see and live?????Children feel,see all the misery in this marriage.Stop exposing them to this in the name of religion.I am a catholic,but i know one thing,God does not want me to be unhappy and stay with my child in unhappy marriage.You do not even sound like my grandma,my grandma was a very modern woman,although religious.She always told me:there is enough fish in the ocean,if the man is no god,then kick him out.Period.No time to waste,no time to lose,life is short!
Leave him,stop destroying your soull and the soul of your children!!!Stop being weak!
Your husband will awake,when he has to pay the wife and child support.
CHILDREN WOULD RATHER BE **FROM** A BROKEN HOME THAN LIVE **IN** A BROKEN HOME
There's your answer.
As a child of divorce, I have to disagree. Growing up with today's joint custody situations is akin to playing emotional ping pong with your kids. You just volley them from house to house and they have no home of their own.
I am so glad joint custody was not the norm when my parents divorced. I can't imagine being bounced from one house to the other all the time. I may have only seen my father two or three times a month but I had a home and a bed I slept in every night.
I would rather be in my own home with fueding parents than bounced back and forth between homes all the time.
My daugher has told me to "Just Divorce him" and "Don't blame me because you have a lousy marriage" - but its still a big step to take.
That's a terribly heavy burden for any youngster to carry. When kids think you are unhappy because of them (You ARE staying in the marriage for THEM), it's too much to expect them to carry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario
Because I am unemployed, she is very, very abusive and nasty toward me. She browbeats, nitpicks and demeans me at every opportunity. I have always had a very strong sense of self and a lot of pride in my abilities and achievements, but being unable to find a real job for a decade (and being with her) has destroyed me psychologically.
I am scared of divorce for many reasons, but the most prominent is that I am afraid of losing my sons. They are 12 and 8 and I have been their primary caregiver from birth. She has worked, very hard, while I stay at home and write for little money. I am very afraid that the courts will make me a very much part-time dad, and I will not be able to accept that. The only thing going right for me is my relationship with my kids, and if I lose that, I might as well be dead.
But - I am ready to file for divorce because every minute I am in the home I am in agony.
I cannot find a job of any kind because my background seems to scare off all employers. Couple that with the fact that there aren't too many jobs out there for middle-aged people with Ivy League liberal arts degrees who have been underemployed for a decade.
I am beyond miserable. I know that divorce will cause more misery to myself and the children. I don't think it will hurt her one bit.
You haven't worked for 10 years yet you have an 8 year old child?
My advice to you is the same as I gave a friend who is unemployed and whining about it, but his wife divorced him. They have two children, 16 and 5: STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND GO OUT AND WORK !!!!!!
I don't know how any man can sit, complain and not put forth a severe effort to take care of his family. BE A MAN AND GET A JOB. Give your kids good reason to have respect for you.
yep til they are 18. you made that bed sleep in it.
dont be filing on him getting a big fat settlement and then partying with boy friends with his kids in the next room. you were once a decent married woman, act it. dont scar the kids up for your revenge.
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