Tips for dealing with tantrums & fits (day care, punishing, toddlers)

[usedtobeanyer]

I posted last week about my 2 year old and her temperament. Thanks for all who replied. I'm wondering now if anyone can share some advice or suggestions for dealing with her tantrums & fits. I know that a lot of this is just a matter of her age and not really looking for feedback as to why it is happening. Just trying to find some suggestions for how to deal with it. I think my wife & I have a good plan in place, but would love to hear from some experienced parents about what worked for them.

Two examples from yesterday--First, she was getting in the car and she likes to climb into her car seat all by herself. As she was doing it, she gently bumped her had on the handrail on the back of the front seat. She got midly upset--not crying or anything, but she just stopped trying to get into the seat and sort of rested her head on it. I let her do this for a minute or so and consoled her a bit, but then encouraged her to get into her seat. She wouldn't do it. I started to get a bit more firm with her but that wasn't working (in hindsight, this was my mistake). Eventually I had to pick her up and put her in her seat with her screaming and fussing the entire time. She cried nearly all of the way home, which I did not acknowledge in anyway. As we got closer to home, I asked her what she wanted for lunch and she told me she "felt better" (she almost always says this after a fit is over).

Unfortunately, it didn't last long. We got inside and I made her lunch while she played quietly. I told her it was time for lunch and she should come over to the table so I could put her in her seat. She wouldn't do it and started crying/fitting. I said ok, you let me know when you are ready and I ignored her while feeding my 8 month old son. She cried and carried on but again, I did not respond. After 5 minutes or so she came over and said "Daddy". I said "yes honey, are you ready for lunch?". She said yes and again, said she felt better. She then ate lunch without a problem.

I should point out that both of these examples happened before her nap time, and she had actually told me she was tired just before we were getting in the car.

As you can see, our approach now is to not acknowledge the fit and let her get it out of her system. The logic being that after a while, she will realize it doesn't get her what she wants so there's no point in doing it. Do other parents feel this is the best approach? Any feedback would be helpful. She's having 3-4 of these fits a day and sometimes full on tantrums as welll. We discussed with our pediatrician and she said it's nothing we need to be concerned about. I do think that much of this relates to her 8 month old brother. We've definitely seen a personality change in her since he came along and she has not warmed up to him at all.

Thanks in advance.

[maciesmom]

I'd say it sounds as if you are doing all the right things. It will just take her some time. Keep it up.

[Rhaven]

I agree you handled it beautifully. Just keep on plugging away. Remember around this age kids have very strong emotions, especially when they are tired.

[hypocore]

Congrats! You've found that not letting her get negative attention can work. That's can be a hard lesson to learn.

Now the next step is working on prevention, which is equally as challenging. Often it seems as if there is no reason for a tantrum. There usually is one, even if it's well hidden. At that age, it's typically inability to communicate effectively, being very tired, being very hungry or beginning to get sick.

So, taking your post as an example. Since you knew she was getting really tired and probably hungry, perhaps you could have a snack ready in the car for the drive home. That could also help distract her from bumping her head and make her more willing to sit in her seat quicker. Then, since she wouldn't be ready for lunch quite yet, you could let her take a nap before lunch instead of after. You could be free to feed the little guy while she napped. The plus side to that is that he'd also be ready to nap afterwards or at least be content while you got big sisters lunch ready a little bit later.

The key is to be prepared and learn her signs, along with your son's as well. If you have snacks/drinks at the ready and are flexible on sleeping, you can head off many a tantrum. After that it's learning to help her learn to communicate with her words instead of using her screams or physical reactions, as so often toddlers tend to do. It's so much easier to handle it if a child can say, I'm mad at you because you took away my toy than if they are throwing themselves on the floor kicking and screaming. Ya know? haha

[*Danielle*]

I know when my kids have or had tantrums we ignored. We said something like "When your ready to talk and not cry will be ready for you" and walked away and did not pay a bit of attention to it... It took a little while but it did work. Just encourage her to talk and not cry. Tell her you can not understand her crying, and to please talk...and if she doesn't...tell her you will listen when the crying stops and walk away. She will learn the appropriate way to talk to you. May take a bit but be consistant.

[crazyworld]

Personally I think you have handled it perfectly. Good luck.

I have run a day care from my home for almost thirty years and deal with that age group and that is what works for me also.

[Dorthy]

I think you handled it well. You acknowledged her feelings, gave comfort and then went about your business (getting her into her car seat, and feeding your 8 month old). You taught her that her strong feelings are OK and not something that she needs to be punished for (by letting her have her tantrums and cry and not forcing her into another room or yelling at her or in anyway punishing her) while at the same time taking care of your needs and your family's needs in general.

I second the advice on prevention. Having snacks and drinks on hand when you're out can be so helpful.

[MovinOutWest]

Ignoring her seems to work on my 2 year old too, although sometimes it can be frustrating having to listen to the screaming for 10 minutes before she finally calms down.

Another trick I somehow picked up, when she's screaming and I need her attention so ignoring won't work, I'll only talk to her while whispering. She has to stop screaming to hear what I'm saying. Sometimes it calms her down enough that her fit will end. Other times it will only buy me 10 seconds of quiet, but sometimes that's all I need to keep sane.

[Kibbiekat]

I agree - ignore it. Don't reward the behavior with attention.

[wilsonmom3]

sounds very normal to me...as you have done, I try to ignore the little things and if there is a bigger issue going on (hitting, biting, etc) we do time outs for 2 minutes.