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As i've mentioned in other posts, my wife and I married a couple of months ago and she has two boys - 4 & 7 - whom i've known for several years, although I just officially took the "daddy" title.
They've always had the habit of eating dinner in front of the TV kind of cafeteria style, but I really think everyone should eat together at the dinner table. My family did that growing up and I have memories of that "family time" without the TV glaring cartoons or a sitcom in the background.
I've begun trying to implement this new policy to mixed reviews Their mom has been supportive and the 4-year-old deals with it, although he does inject some occasional pouting as a show of his displeasure.
The 7-year-old tends to be a bit more protesting, even to the point that he won't eat if there's something on he wants to watch. I make him sit there, but he's pretty strong-willed. I even DVR whatever they're missing so they can watch it later, but still there's pouting and protesting.
So, some advice would be welcomed....anyone have similar dinner table battles? Am I being excessively strict? Should I just forget the table thing? I think it may become a real "line in the sand" kind of discipline issue, which really wasn't my intent...i'd just like everyone to have dinner together...seems so simple
"Ok XYZ 7 year old child. I understand the importance of having choices so I will let you choose on this one. You may sit with us, enjoy dinner and then enjoy our DVR tv watching during an appropriate time OR you may choose to not be part of our family time, not get your show DVRed and you will have to go to bed immediantly. It is your choice, but I will not reward your behavior with the after dinner fun on your time and I will give until the count to three to make your decision. If you do not choose one of these options, you will spend dinnertime in your room deciding all alone without video games, ect because you will not ruin family time for everyone else, but will be allowed the time to think about what family means to you. However, once dinner has been eaten and cleanup done, you will no longer have the opportunity to choose to join family time because it will be over and you will go to bed immediantly. You and I both know that breakfast is not that far away and you will not starve between now and then. One, two...."
You can not let the 7 year old dictate what the rules will be for even one second, do not allow the 7 year old to make any family time moment miserable for any other family member, you must be consistant, and most importantly follow through. Of course this may be horrible the first night but if you follow through, they will know what to expect the next night. Soon the hostility will grind to a hault and the child will choose on their own to join family time when they are lying their listening to how much fun the family is having. A way to speed this process up is with really yummy desserts.
We had an issue with "elbow space" with our middle child and he would elbow his little brother for more space. Every once in awhile, the little one would be pushed on the floor on his head because of it and the middle boy was immediantly dismissed from family time and was not allowed to rejoin the moment until he was ready to admit he did something wrong and appolgize to his brother. If he could not bring himself to do that before we finished dinner, his dinner plate wa swrapped up and placed in the fridge for the next days lunch and he went to bed, missing out on any TV watching, dessert eating, game playing, and story telling that might be going on. We only had to do this a couple times before he decided that he did not want to do this.
Thanks so much for sharing these memories! I too grew up sitting at the dinner table and am estatic that my son and dil are doing the same!
OP? It's more a battle of wills than the actual dinner. Stick to your guns and it will all pay off in the long run.
I remember as kids we couldn't wait until dinner was served. Maybe because it was usually served when news was on so we didn't care but I don't think television was ever an issue - and television back then was way better than it is today.
I just think a child being stubborn about dinner might have some issues because some people make the dinner table a battle zone. If he was a child of a bad marriage, maybe dinner was a stressful time but I've also seen parents do all kinds of things at the dinner table to make it horrible for the kids, even to the point of force-feeding a stubborn child or forcing a child to sit and finish food -- as they choked it down crying.
If it were me with a step child, I'd think that a child who didn't want to eat when everyone else was eating might associate the dinner table with discipline and hostility. It's more natural for kids to want to eat with the family at least at age 7, but a 16 year old might have other reasons.
It could just be bad habits -- but that wouldn't explain the child's exaggerated resistance.
Encourage everyone to sit at the table. Make it a fun time, a time to chat and interact. But, if there is something really, really good on TV - couldn't the Dinner be served after it has finished? Or perhaps now and again you could compromise and have TV dinners together?
I find that if the kids are watching TV then they get grumpy. You ask them to do something and they are negative even if they don't have to get up right then. You know you just say, when the programs finished can you do..... and they are much more negative in their response than if you ask then when they are doing anything else.
So first thing is turn the dam TV off.
I am all for eating round the table and making it fairly formal. That is neat clothes. Wait till everyone is served before starting and don't leave the table until everyone is finished and you are excused. If you are religeous like us, we say grace before the meal then we start to eat.
Having said that, we seem to manage it less and less. Breakfast - almost never. (But no TV). Lunches - No chance because the kids are usually at school. In the evenings it seems right now, that one child or other is often out at some kind of sport training. But the rest of us do sit and eat together with no TV. Except sunday night where we will sit in front of the TV and have a meal and it is very casual and disorganised and we eat leftovers or sometimes a child will cook something which is fun in itsself.
Encourage everyone to sit at the table. Make it a fun time, a time to chat and interact. But, if there is something really, really good on TV - couldn't the Dinner be served after it has finished? Or perhaps now and again you could compromise and have TV dinners together?
I do like the idea of compromise and, like I said in my earlier post, I would choose certain nights where you all ate at the dinner table and certain nights where you weren't so strick.
During football season we all eat in front of the tv on Sunday nights while watching the game. We are all big fans and don't want to miss the game just to eat. When you think about it, we are still all eating together. It's amazing how watching the game, and talking about it, can improve your sense of family and togetherness. In a blended family, that's very important. It's those types of things that the kids will remember when growing up, the traditions, the things that made you a family.
I think maybe a part of the issue is that 7YO is tired from a busy day and watching TV is his zone-out time, and dinner's coming right in the middle of that. I think there's a lot of great suggestions and I'll just add, maybe if he comes in a little earlier and gets 30 minutes of TV time, and then he knows its time to turn it off, it will help manage his expectations. Otherwise, routines take a while to settle into, and I'd say just stick with it and he'll come around.
NO! Don't forget it! The kids are 4 and 7. You and your wife are the parents. Just change the rules. Dinner at a table. Period. If they behave, they may see X number of hours of TV. If not, they get no TV. You are the parents. They are the children. If you don't set the rules now, it will only get worse. I think they will end up liking it, as you can talk about their day, focus on them and the family. You will not regret it. And they will be the better for it.
BTW, if the 7 YO refuses to eat, so be it. One or two nights of not eating won't kill him. To win the game, you just have to outlast him. He won't not eat to the point of starvation. Hang tough. Win the game now and the future will be sooooo much easier! And it will be better for the kids.
Thanks for all of the great ideas everyone! We've employed a mixture of several of your approaches and the stand-off has subsided:-) I think the above approach was the one that ended the revolt though...back to basics. He refused to eat in protest and instead of our usual "sit there til you eat it" position, we didn't force him...but, let him know that there would be no TV or TIVO access if he chose that attitude. After that night, he began cooperating. Amazing what going to bed without dinner or TV for just one night will accomplish....and he didn't starve! Reps to ya HIF!
I would inform him that cable is being removed from the house until he starts eating with you. So he will either eat with you or never see "the sweet life" again. And if he does eat dinner respectfully, the he can even watch his show afterwards - but not if he doesn't act right.
jbar you sound like such a good dad! Welcome to the world of parenting! You're on the right track - don't give in. Sounds like the kiddo is testing you. If you let him win this round, he'll be even more bull-headed next time around because he'll have learned he can beat you. If you win this time, next time might be a little easier. (Note that I say, "might"... )
There are dinner games you can play... make dinner fun. Also, have the kids help make dinner and set the table and clean up as well. My kids for some reason like it when we set the table "fancy". To them, this means a table cloth, cloth napkins with napkin rings, and a candle! They take turns lighting the candle and blowing it out. Even my 9 year old is still excited about doing this after all these years. (remember to tell them not to blow too hard or wax will go flying, or better yet - get a candle snuffer. They have some cool ones that look like swords or wands with dragons on them... ) Here's a link to some fun dinner games: Dinner Games We also play a game of "hi/low" where we go around and talk about what each of our high's and low's were for that day. "My high was when I found out we were having lasagna for dinner! My low was when I saw it had spinach in it..."
Good luck with your boys!
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