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Your kids are old enough to have figured out that their father was seriously deficient. The danger is that they might feel that since they are part of him, if he was no good, then they must not be any good either.
Now that he is dead, if I were you I would focus on his good points-even make them up if you have to- ("Gee, when you smile you look a lot like your Dad. He had such a nice smile when he was younger", or "Your Dad really knew how to tell a good joke").
This is good advice. No matter how bad things got there must have been a good beginning, the kids are proof of that.
I know in my ex's case he does love our kids. I know that he wanted both of them very much and loves them to the best of his ability. He just doesn't love them in a responsible parent way. He loves his addiction more, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love the kids. I think there are many levels of love and I know I haven't in any way misled my kids by telling them that they were wanted and loved.
Yes - and I think it's good to discuss all that - including how and why people might become addicted to something and how the addiction changed them and took away their ability to really love and be responsible.
Your kids too will face the same temptations - and it might be part of their defense mechanism to know exactly that "good" people fall into the addition trap and they are forever changed. The addiction took away his ability to truly love and care about anyone - but it's not that he didn't originally deep down want something else - but in the case of addiction, the individual is changed, they have been taken over by the addition.
I don't believe in trying to fool or cover up because kids in this boat need the responsible parent to be completely trustworthy. They already know the other parent cares more about the addiction than they care about them, deep down they do realize that already. It's better to just help them face that truth.
I don't see the OPs point really. If she wants to run down her husabnd she needs to rewalise their kids wil also see her problems eventually. Let tehm make up their own minds and let his mother believe and say what hse wants. She might be surpirsed what they thin of her always cutting the other down.My advise is never cut the EX to children as it taints thier opinion of you in the end.The old ;get over it applies here.
I don't see the OPs point really. If she wants to run down her husabnd she needs to rewalise their kids wil also see her problems eventually. Let tehm make up their own minds and let his mother believe and say what hse wants. She might be surpirsed what they thin of her always cutting the other down.My advise is never cut the EX to children as it taints thier opinion of you in the end.The old ;get over it applies here.
I don't think it's about putting down the non-involved parent, but you have to help kids come to terms with their feelings of being abandoned. They'll see other children with a dad who is very involved, plays with them, cares if they have what they need. Or if it's the mom, a young girl may wonder why other girls have moms that take them shopping, help them fit their first bra and their own mother is no where to be found yet she's out there somewhere.
They are going to at some point be very hurt that one parent really doesn't give a damn about them. They suffer when their birthday rolls around and not a card, not a phone call, not even a text message or email from dear ole' mom or dad.
They'll still wonder what the other parent was like, and underneath that curiosity will always be that feeling of "Why didn't my dad/mom care about me", "why didn't they love me at all".
That's why I think it's best to discuss this with them, point out it was the result of certain character flaws where even if a part of them wanted, they just couldn't be there.
My father left when I was 3, so I don't remember him. I met him again when I was in highschool, and spent a week with him a couple summers while I was in High School. He was never more than a nice man I met a few times, I never considered him my father. He was a good, hard working guy with no bad habits or seedy background, but he wasn't around while I was growing up.
He passed away a few years later. It's sad when anyone dies, but his passing had no effect on me. He was just some man I once knew briefly.
I would be very surprised if your kids ever give it a second thought..! You are making more of it than they will.
My ex died - he was not a stable person- did not help with kids -did not help much with child support- when i told my children ages 17 and 14 1/2 there was no emotion. I suppose they are shocked but he was an invisible dad and i guess now it is reality that they will never see him again. I wonder if they are feeling sad/guilty for not spending more time with him . He did not have a car and had problems with pain pills so it was not a good situation- his mother wants to tell them he was a good person underneath etc..... He was better when they were younger but just couldn't get it together- hard time keeping a job etc... no motivation-anyone been thru this?
Do the best you can talking to them. I'd also explain about his addiction and that this is how it is with people that are addicted. I would not paint a rosy picture or put him on a pedestal for the way he was now. Obviously he was a decent guy when you married him, you might tell them that, tell them how he was when they were young; then if an injury contributed to the pain pills, explain about that - you can use Michael Jackson as an example about how good people get addicted.
As far as his mother, it's his mom & you can;t stop her from talking to your kids at some point. You can tell your kids that grandma is hurting & to not add to her pain by trying to tell her otherwise. My daughter would say something to the effect that he wasn't around & that he didn't care..
My ex MIL is normally a decent person but she has her moments too - I think because my daughter reminds her of her deceased daughter. She feels she's doing my daughter a favor by mentioning her weight when she was heavier; which added to it. I explain to my girl that she is her only nana & that she won't be with us forever. I tell her how excited she was when I told her I was having a girl & how involved she was back then.
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Originally Posted by GloryB
No, I haven't, but my kids pretty much grew up with an invisible dad situation also. Maybe your kids are better off with a painful end....than a pain with no end. Kids never do get over a parent that is just totally unreliable, but they do grow up and move on emotionally.
The most important thing is that you don't feel guilty...and that you keep communication open with them so when they do need to talk, cry or yell.... they know you will be there for them.
2 ex's - the 1st one was the pits - after telling my son he didn't deserve college and that he'd fail at it because of his last name - my son did quit due to the depression from the college talk - once he quit my ex was so happy he was not paying support that he's now able to be in his life - he actually has turned around - sends cards on holidays/birthdays. I guess since he'll never have any other kids (mine is 24) he's trying to make up for being a dead beat. I've always supported my son; even now wanting him in his life. I'm glad it;'s finally happened.
My girl - well I wish her father would go already. For the last few years he's been telling her he has cancer (we lost my dad & FIL in 2006 to cancer daughter had 12 deaths total that year) & every time (rare - few times per year) he sees her, he tells her how he's going to die & leave her his house or whatever. She just turned 16 - on her BIRTHDAY he told her that her cousin who has CF is in the hospital dying; needs a lung transplant. He could not wait ONE more day to tell her that?
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Originally Posted by VBmom
I don't know if it will help your kids or not. They may always have a whole in their heart for the love they never recieved from him. It is sad that they will never get the chance to change that. I think that the most important thing now is that they know that he loved them.
Most kids get damaged by it, especially if the other relatives from his side are in the picture. I like the way you have dealt with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by texdav
I don't see the OPs point really. If she wants to run down her husabnd she needs to rewalise their kids wil also see her problems eventually. Let tehm make up their own minds and let his mother believe and say what hse wants. She might be surpirsed what they thin of her always cutting the other down.My advise is never cut the EX to children as it taints thier opinion of you in the end.The old ;get over it applies here.
I did not say that I cut him down in front of my children. I was just explaining his problems here. My children are old enough to know that he had problems- they are incredible kids- he missed out on so much and I think that makes them sad/mad that he never wanted to change. anyway-thanks for the replies- they are doing well so far-only time will tell. And the grandmother told them that we are so lucky to have married-otherwise they would not be here.
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