I'm thinking of suing for full custody...... (child support, daycare, teenager)

[Davachka]

We have been apart for over 12 years.

I am remarried and live in FL. I am just starting law school and my husband is an MD.

He (my ex, my daughter's father) is single and lives in NY. Apparently he is now umemployed.

We have an agreement between the 2 of us, that my ex will pay for 80% of my almost 14 yr olds private school tuition. This is not court ordered, however he and I wrote this up in 2004 and signed a contract (which I of course lost). He also flies her out to NY 3 times a year to visit with him.

He apparently stopped working, stopped sending me checks, stopped texting/calling my daughter or responding to either her or my attempts. I also heard from his mother that he has started drinking heavily. This started about 6-8 months ago. This summer was the first that my ex did not fly her out and if he is indeed drinking I do not want her there.

I am considering filing for full custody. I assume in that case my husband will be adopting her since we are married. The ex is not being a parent emotionally or financially and I do no want her around a drinker. This will break her heart however, as she has family out there, and if she visits her grandmother she will of course see her father. Breaking her heart will break my heart, however he is obviously showing he does not want to be a father.

[fierce_flawless]

If you can afford a lawyer, then you can probably modify custody. Especially if he cannot afford one himself.

Have you considered asking for a modification that includes supervised visitation? If you trust her, you could allow his mother to supervise. Maybe?

[crazyme4878]

I don't think it is worth it. He is obviously not trying to see her, so why spend the money on lawyer fees? Especially since trying to get sole custody might do the reverse of your expectations--he might begin fighting tooth and nail and then you will have an actual custody agreement through the courts that isn't so lienent to you--like having to trade off holidays and full summers. Plus, most states allow children older than 12 y.o. to have a large say into their own custody cases.

Lastly, you state you think your daughter will be devastated. Spend your energy helping her feel better about the situation, instead of making it worse.

In my view, you are not losing anything more as the situation stands, and may lose a lot if you proceed differently.

[1phwalls]

Having full custody does not mean that your new husband can adopt the child.

Full custody means that you have the final say in all decisions. So you decide what schools, religion, daycare etc. He will still have his court ordered visitation - which if he doesn't have now, he will have at the end of your appearance in front of the judge.

The only way your new husband will be able to adopt the child is if your ex gives up his parental rights and allows the adoption to take place.

Side note - Even if your ex is not seeking out his relationship with the child, he will always have the ability to walk back into her life when he so chooses. And if he has no job, that is irrelevant. All that means is no child support and no chance of him getting custody. If he is drinking, you would need solid proof to get supervised visitation. Otherwise it is just hearsay.

In my opinion, you should not rock the boat. If you step on his toes, he might come back with a vengeance. Allow your kid to call and write so as to not be the one interfering with their relationship. This way the onus is on him. You are the one she sees, so you will probably be the one she blames, but don't take it personally. In addition, judges don't like when a parent interferes with the relationship with the other parent.

[bostoner]

From his behavior before when he was involved in your daughter's life and now when he's not returning calls, it sounds like something may have happened, perhaps a change in his financial status? If he was involved before and that has stopped suddenly and he's taken up drinking, I think I might try to talk to him before presuming he didn't want to be a dad all of a sudden. Did he lose his job? It sounds like he's depressed.

[malamute]

There are even some states that will allow for grandparents to have visitation rights.

If you want to go for full custody, and have the courts decide, usually visitation for a parent that lives away is something like 2 whole summer months and Christmas/winter break.

Sometimes it's better to put yourself in the other's shoes, if you were the one having problems, would you want to be denied even visits with your child?

[charz]

I agree with the others that you should not rock the boat. I've never been divorced, but my parents were so allow me to offer advice from your daughter's viewpoint. He's still her dad. You may not have feelings for your ex, but she still does. When I was a teenager and talked about dad walking me down the aisle (you know how girls plan weddings well in advance), mom would get livid and say that dad would not be allowed to "give me away" since he didn't pay child support regularly. He was still my dad, and I still wanted him a part of my life. Something is going on with your daughter's dad. It sounds like he needs help and support, not to lose his daughter even more than he has. I would talk with your daughter about her emotions concerning her dad and alert his family about your concerns about her dad (i.e. "Is he ok? He's stopped talking to our daughter and seems depressed"). As for custody, I would let sleeping dogs lie.

[Davachka]

Thanks for the comments.
Yes she and I have talked, but she does not really open up about it. She texted (their main but still rare form of communication) and called him this summer and he never responded. She sent a "happy birthday" and "happy fathers day" text and received no answer from him. He did sent her one text asking when was a good time for her to fly to NY, she replied with dates and he never responded. She sent a few more texts asking if he got the dates, but no response.

His family knows what is going on with him, they are the ones who told me. Sorry but I do not care if he is depressed. Being depressed and drinking is being selfish. I am not from the US and I have somewhat of a different perspective, I believe it is used as an excuse too much. He does not have true clinical mental problems, its just life got too hard so he has decided to lay down in the fetal position and give up, while my husband pays for her private school and everything else that she needs. Life still goes on.

I understand not rocking the boat. I undestand about hearsay and evidence. I guess what I became upset with was in the case that something happens to me, I do not trust her dad in NY. I want her to go to my husband. Maybe there is a will I write up, I do not know. She currently lives a very privileged life, full of opportunity, and I do not want that ever taken away from her, which it would if her dad had custody.

[1phwalls]

I totally understand where you are at. My ex is an alcoholic and has not worked more than 3 months at a time since he was discharged from the marines in 2004.

Even if you write a will, her father will still get custody. Your new husband could try to sue for custody at that point, and he would basically have to hire a private investigator to dig up trash on your ex to win.

Hopefully, your ex will get a grip on real life and correct his situation. My ex is slowly trying to get his crap together, but I won't hold my breath. In the mean time, keep a journal of all the attempted contacts to him by you and your daughters part. You will also want to list any time he has made contact with you or your daughter. You will want proof of a non-existent relationship if it comes down to a court battle. Also, keep in mind grandparetns in some states can get visitation orders from the court. So if you did die and she had to go to live with him, make sure they would know to get visitation so they can keep an eye on things.

Lucky for you she is already 14, mine are only 8 and 9.

[misplaced1]

I'm sorry if I missed it if you said but, have you attemped to talk with your child's father??