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Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
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I think, at some point, all teenagers have been mad at their parents. It should be expected and is normal. He WILL come around, one day, and understand that you were only doing what was best for him.
I know that I went back to my parents and told them THEY were right. I also look forward to the day my son comes to me and does the same. AND HE WILL!
I too, have a 17 y.o. boy. Although he has not been "in trouble", it still has been challenging.
I don't think Daniel would know the difference if there is something mentally going on. Therefore making it hard for him to accept that there may be a problem.
I totally believe in "tough love" when it is called for.
I remember being a teen. It has got to be one of the toughest times for a person. I "knew" it all. I put my parents thru hell. And just like Pops, had to learn the hard way.
Teenagers are so anxious to become an adult and get out in the real world.
We only "learn" in hind sight that we "jumped the gun" and should of listened to the adults advice that was given.
When I notice a change in my son and his group of friends, I knew what we had to do. We moved from a city, where it was a free for all for kids. Now we are in the country. Was it a wise decision to remove him from all he knew? I won't be able to answer that yet.
As parents, we can only do so much at this age. We can talk, explain, preach, fight, battle restrict and do everything in our power to direct them. But will they absorb it??? Or will it go in one ear and out the other??
When we first moved, I was feeling really bad for my son. I was talking to an older lady, who was very wise and had many children (grown) of her own. She told me that at this point, it is important to remember 1) that we raised him to be a good person, gave him strong values, taught him how to be a good, respectable person 2) to always remind him of how much we love him (which sometimes ... you don't really like them) 3) and that we always stand behind him on the good he does, but will give him consequence for the wrong he does.
I am just beging to ramble here, so I will stop.
I really wish there was written handbook to being a parent.
My prayers are with you and your family. You are not alone in raising teenagers. I only wish I had the answers for you!
Qbaby, thank you for your advice. When things started to go downhill last year we put the house up for sale in September when the drop in sales we starting. Our home was appraised at 347k and if anyone gives me 305k I would sell...just to get Daniel out of here. This was our original plan but we are at a standstill. I would probably lower it less just to know he could break away from his circle. His brothers have come to me with concerns regarding Daniel. He refuses to hang out with them. My eldest has invited him to the youth group several times and he refuses to go also. Wants to have pants below the waist, etc, etc. My plan was to move to a rural area.
I have no experience with raising troubled kids, especially in their teenage years Pixie. But Daniel doesn't sound mental to me from how you describe him. He's completely self-centered and doesn't care about his impact on the rest of the family.
I'd be researching "bootcamps" for troubled teens. I guarantee a different and obedient Daniel would emerge with an appreciation of responsibility, consequences, and far more aware of his impact on his life. I wish you the best.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. What a devestating situation. You sound like a wonderful caring mother and I definately think you are doing the right thing. I started a thread on mental illness awhile back because there is so much misconception out there. Mental illness really isn't cut and dry and there is so many possibilities but with proper medication so much can be easily managed and can make one's life so much better. I definately think it's a good thing for Daniel to have a physciatric evaluation. And like poprocksncoke said let him be mad at you right now; someday he will come around and realize how wrong he has treated you and change. You need to be strong right now and I know you can get through this.
Mental illness is misconveiced. Since this illness runs in my family I am concerned with Daniel and feel he needs to get evaluated. I am just frieghtened that when I take him in about an hour they will not see it as a priority and turn him away. Than I fear he will run away and whos to say what will happen. I called the hospital and 20 bed unit is filled but if the deam it fir will keep him on a medical unit with a 1:1 until someone leaves the unit.
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 5,159,513 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pixie Dust
Qbaby, thank you for your advice. When things started to go downhill last year we put the house up for sale in September when the drop in sales we starting. Our home was appraised at 347k and if anyone gives me 305k I would sell...just to get Daniel out of here. This was our original plan but we are at a standstill. I would probably lower it less just to know he could break away from his circle. His brothers have come to me with concerns regarding Daniel. He refuses to hang out with them. My eldest has invited him to the youth group several times and he refuses to go also. Wants to have pants below the waist, etc, etc. My plan was to move to a rural area.
Exactly what we did. Although we may have went a bit extreme.
Without totally knowing the area, we moved (renting)onto a beautiful 20 acre farm/island. We are the only people out here. The closest road is a mile away. So I feel, we pretty much isolated him. But, it has brought us closer as a family.
We recently bought in a rural area, where at least he will have kids his own age around. We have not moved yet, but are working on it. I think we need this time to redevelop our "family" bond. My son has gotten back to the nature lover he had when he was young. His interests have changed back to fishing, 4wheelers, walking thru the woods, feeding the animals... instead of running the streets, hanging at the mall, or the skate park.
We really don't and won't know what impact our decision will have on our children. All we can do, is the best we can do for them!
I have no experience with raising troubled kids, especially in their teenage years Pixie. But Daniel doesn't sound mental to me from how you describe him. He's completely self-centered and doesn't care about his impact on the rest of the family.
I'd be researching "bootcamps" for troubled teens. I guarantee a different and obedient Daniel would emerge with an appreciation of responsibility, consequences, and far more aware of his impact on his life. I wish you the best.
Momark, thank you for responding. My husband says the same thing and so does his father. Daniel has a great loving support system with the males in his life unfortunatley he does not see this.
I do not think they offer boot camp in Florida unless you have a police record. Also I think they closed them down because I child was beaten about 2 yrs ago at a facility. A military school will run us 14k unless I put a second mortgage on the house we cant do that also with the bankruptcy I dont think its doable. I have done some research but always come back to not knowing what to do.
My husband says that if he was mentally ill he wouldnt be so sneaky and manipulative.
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 5,159,513 times
Reputation: 2295
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pixie Dust
Momark, thank you for responding. My husband says the same thing and so does his father. Daniel has a great loving support system with the males in his life unfortunatley he does not see this.
I do not think they offer boot camp in Florida unless you have a police record. Also I think they closed them down because I child was beaten about 2 yrs ago at a facility. A military school will run us 14k unless I put a second mortgage on the house we cant do that also with the bankruptcy I dont think its doable. I have done some research but always come back to not knowing what to do.
My husband says that if he was mentally ill he wouldnt be so sneaky and manipulative.
I would be weary of the state forced "bootcamp" type of enviroment.
Sad story: My son has a friend whose older brother was in trouble. They sent him to one of these places that the police advised them to. Signed away their rights, made their son a ward of the state so that they could get him in the program. 3 days before he was to be released, he hung himself with his belt. Now his action WAS not the fault of the centers. But the nurse that found him, let him hang there until police got there. Had she and the others on duty cut him down, he would be alive today, sadly he is not.
PLEASE research any place you choose to put your son. This particular facility ( in Florida)was closed after the incident. They were not properly staffed.
I would consider a military type of facility, but then again, stuff happens. Just do your research!
I agree with both your husband and Momark, but putting a child in boot camp in Florida can be the death penalty.
I think he is a self absorbed brat and you are being manipulated by an adolescent boy who in most countries would be considered an adult and would act accordingly.
Start by giving him a room with only a mattress and he earns everything else and not easily, he gets no money, not even lunch money, he packs a lunch, he takes the bus with tokens, no games, tv, radio and no cell phone.
If he runs away call the police, if he gets violent call the police. If your family is as you portray he will be fine. Most young punks grew up with young punks and have no father figure, he won't run with them long.
You can take him to be evaluated but each evaluation will probably be different. I think for some mental illnesses, bran scans can be done, that's hard evidence other than that you are getting opinions. Get a backbone and yes I raised teenagers.
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 5,159,513 times
Reputation: 2295
A backbone....
I somewhat agree. I think that as parents, when our beautiful baby is born, and we nuture, we tend to loose a bit of that backbone. BUT as they get older ( and sometimes uglier, as in attitude) we must regain that structure.
I am a B***H, I admit it, have been told it, and accept it.
I will not allow anyone to walk over me. Husband and son included. It is our role to draw lines and make sure they are not crossed. That is the role we took on, like it or not, when we had children.
I often wonder how parents with multiple children, that are so different form eachother, deal with them. I only have one.
All of what I have expressed, are my opinions. I am not a doctor or a therapist, just a parent of a teenage boy.
I agree with both your husband and Momark, but putting a child in boot camp in Florida can be the death penalty.
I think he is a self absorbed brat and you are being manipulated by an adolescent boy who in most countries would be considered an adult and would act accordingly.
Start by giving him a room with only a mattress and he earns everything else and not easily, he gets no money, not even lunch money, he packs a lunch, he takes the bus with tokens, no games, tv, radio and no cell phone.
If he runs away call the police, if he gets violent call the police. If your family is as you portray he will be fine. Most young punks grew up with young punks and have no father figure, he won't run with them long.
You can take him to be evaluated but each evaluation will probably be different. I think for some mental illnesses, bran scans can be done, that's hard evidence other than that you are getting opinions. Get a backbone and yes I raised teenagers.
Alexander, thank you for your input. However, I do not think I lack a backbone. I have tried all methods to try to get Daniel on track. To the extreme of spending more than 10k on taking him to Montana; which did not work. I dont think putting a mattress on the floor is the answer here. As I said previously he does have male role models; his broothers, father, step-father, grandfather that ALL love him to death and are respectable integers of society. I do believe that his choice in friends is a problem. I dont think that keeping him in an empty bedroom with a mattress on the floor will help. I treat my dog better than that. Treatment like that can break him emotionally if there is a mental instability and whose to say what kind of damage that can do to him?? He has had his cell phone taken away and other privilages.
I would also like to add that I have raised two other teenagers succesfully because of my back bone and setting boundries and limitations. All children are NOT alike and have different problems. This is not my only son. My other boys have at times gotten out of hand and because of consequences shifted and realized there faults.
Last edited by Pixie Dust; 04-25-2007 at 09:03 AM..
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