Adult Son, Older Parents and Relocating (infant, girl, permanent, friends)

[tfc3rid]

Originally Posted by nuala

This is a pure guilt trip. "Who is going to look after us, who is going to give us a glass of water, you are a little ungrateful ****".

"You ARE SUPPOSED to be there for me" is a pretty huge burden to put on a person, in essence driving him to forgo his own life? Modern parents try to avoid this trap... imagine being a parent yourself, would you raise your kids with this guilt trip, or would you encourage their development to the best of their abilities and opportunities?

Being a son, you probably feel more attachment to your mother, unlike daughters... But choosing between your mother and your future wife and your own future family, - that is not a nice thing your mother demands from you, not a nice thing.

It's a dreadful situation... One that I saw coming exactly as it is playing out... Now for me, if it was my kids, I would want them to do whatever they want to do... This situation is going to be so bad and it already is... Kinda makes me regret staying in the area after college.

[Kerowyn]

your parents are getting on in years? how old are they? 70 75 80?

Are you currently living at home? I would have a serious sit down with your mother and father. Remind them that you need to live you own life while they too are still young. (lets face unless they are pushing 80 they are still young).

I know in this day and age things are different but you are only engages to your fiance so it might make some since to have a small weeding before hand so your parents can be there without much ta-do or expense. could be part of thier worry.

Remind you parents of all thier friend and family they have still near by. as others have said remind them of how easy it is to catch a flight from here to there and back again. purchase a video phone system or set up some type of video call what is it Skype?

not matter what you do, thank that friend for spilling the beans.... they should have let you tell your family. that was not a good friend in my books.

[tfc3rid]

Originally Posted by Kerowyn

your parents are getting on in years? how old are they? 70 75 80?

Are you currently living at home? I would have a serious sit down with your mother and father. Remind them that you need to live you own life while they too are still young. (lets face unless they are pushing 80 they are still young).

I know in this day and age things are different but you are only engages to your fiance so it might make some since to have a small weeding before hand so your parents can be there without much ta-do or expense. could be part of thier worry.

Remind you parents of all thier friend and family they have still near by. as others have said remind them of how easy it is to catch a flight from here to there and back again. purchase a video phone system or set up some type of video call what is it Skype?

not matter what you do, thank that friend for spilling the beans.... they should have let you tell your family. that was not a good friend in my books.

Mom is 66. Dad is 71 with MS (can walk, drive, etc. It is mild).

They really don't bother much with family and friends... They live a rather isolated life...

It's so easy to keep in touch... As an only child I feel guilty in doing this... But everyone I have spoken to about this (including priests) say that if they cannot be happy for me, then they are really being selfish about it.

[tfc3rid]

Thanks for the feedback folks... Things are in nuclear meltdown mode... Really, really bad... It's very sad. They are playing the guilt trip on me to decide between them and my fiancee...

[Roselvr]

Originally Posted by tfc3rid

Mom is 66. Dad is 71 with MS (can walk, drive, etc. It is mild).

They really don't bother much with family and friends... They live a rather isolated life...

It's so easy to keep in touch... As an only child I feel guilty in doing this... But everyone I have spoken to about this (including priests) say that if they cannot be happy for me, then they are really being selfish about it.

Your parents could have it worst. They could have more then 1 kid that doesn't want anything to do with them and they would still be alone.

There has to be a happy medium.
With how they are acting, I'm surprised you don't go anyway & cut them out of your life.

What have you told them so far?
You could go, see how you like it, see how things work with your fiance; then have them come down for a week. Let them come down at different times of the year to see how they like it; then they have the option of moving by you if the time comes.

[crazyme4878]

Originally Posted by tfc3rid

Thanks for the feedback folks... Things are in nuclear meltdown mode... Really, really bad... It's very sad. They are playing the guilt trip on me to decide between them and my fiancee...

You have to go if you want to ever marry! Even if you stayed in the area, it sounds like your parents could be a potential nightmare for your wife!

It sucks, but hopefully they will come around eventually.

[GypsySoul22]

I am the mother of one child. Although he is still young, my husband and I both say that we want him to be happy and do what he wants in life. If that means moving 2,000 miles away and meditating on a mountain, then so be it.

Don't allow them to play the only child card. In addition, your parents could have 6 kids and that is no guarantee of one being a 'caregiver!'

You don't have to be an only child to get the guilt trip. My husband moved to the USA from England and has 2 other siblings but he was always 'made guilty' by someone because he missed funerals, events in the family and so on.

We actually moved back to England for a year and then here again. Now we both live far from family and they treat us like "the black sheep" simply for not being around.

I urge you to do what you want to do for YOUR LIFE while being respectful to your parents. In this age of airplanes and the internet, you can stay in touch easily.

The goal of parenting is moving a child from a dependent state to an independent one.

You are 33. Go live your life.

Your parents can have a full life in NYC...they should stop being so selfish.

[tfc3rid]

I had the discussion last night and it was really, really brutal... Lots of things being said that I really hope are not meant...

My mom is crushed and is talking about her life being over... That now there is no one for her to rely on or be there if there is an emergency. In addition, she discounts the fact that anyone we have spooken with about this is happy for us. She basically said she hopes we apaologize if things do not work out and she was right...

She's also just very angry at this... She thinks that this is something that my fiancee wants and that she is dragging me along... She keeps asking where she went wrong as a mother....

Lots of drama and lots of tears and it is non stop... She wanted us to move locally in the NYC area to be there for them... But now I am abandoning my family... Sucks... Also, because of this she's not going to go to our wedding in May because she cannot accept her in our family because she has 'broken up' our family...

She's trying to guilt me into not going... Basically saying if anything happens to them, it's all my fault... It hurts to hear it but we not changing our minds. I also tell them it is not as if we are moving to the other side of the planet. We are relocating from NYC to ATL.

[GypsySoul22]

Sorry but your parents sound very closed minded for NYC natives. Most people there would understand 'moving on.' May I ask if you are part of some ethnic group that expects the younger generation to hang around and take care of the elder? Then I could understand this guilt trip.

[Jaggy001]

You cannot accept this type of emotional blackmail because it will chain you to your parents until they die. What is more, they will pull this kind of stunt with every girlfriend/fiancee/wife you ever have and it will poison your relationships with girlfriends/fiancees because they will always know that they come a poor second to your parents.