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Old 08-22-2009, 10:03 AM
 
47,585 posts, read 36,127,295 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Molina View Post
Thanks everyone! Special thanks to those who understand that I want my son to be happy and to those who REMEMBER what it was like when we were that age with a big crush. But I hear you all. And to set the record straight, he doesn't have a gf yet. Her parents are very religious and she has to wait about 2 more yrs before she's allowed to date. They go to the same school so at least he gets to see her and talk to her, even if they can't date yet. And I'm talking about an adult driving them to a movie - nothing more. NOT anything grown up at all. Even though my son is built like a football player, he has a HUGE heart that he wears on his sleave. And I'm not bashing my ex and his current family. I was just painting the picture of what that home is like. His dad has made great self improvements. Yeah, there's still roome for more - but isn't that true for all of us.
I've been a single mom since my son was 2. My life is dedicated to my kids and their happiness and I always put that first above my own. I will check with the state law - as it was pointed out that all this might be mute. I may not get a say in the end. THANKS AGAIN!

Oh - I'm glad he's not actually dating yet. There may be other issues for him. Moving into some other man's home for a 14 year old boy is probably not a happy time. All these years he's been "the man of the house" and now another man is moving into the picture and forcing him to leave his home, friends, school.

An unhappy 14 year old is also going to be tough on a new marriage. You might consider the option of him staying with his dad so he can stay in the same school but have a lot of visitation time in the new house and state. The father may not have always been the best possible, but it sounds like he's remained part of the picture.

Sometimes there can be room for compromise and working things out in a way that will benefit all. By allowing him - even giving it your emotional support - to stay with his dad, you're freed up to work on your new marriage and new home with less drama.
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Old 08-22-2009, 10:06 AM
 
Location: NJ/NY
10,526 posts, read 11,373,236 times
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I wouldn't worry about the dating and girls thing.

I'd worry about uprooting him to a new school at age 14 so you can live with your boyfriend. That can't wait until he graduates? Your daughter is already out of high school, I'm assuming, so if you just wait it out for your son to finish, wouldn't that be better for him?

It will affect him socially and most likely academically.
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Old 08-22-2009, 05:04 PM
 
Location: in my mind
2,746 posts, read 9,862,675 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoli View Post
I wouldn't worry about the dating and girls thing.

I'd worry about uprooting him to a new school at age 14 so you can live with your boyfriend. That can't wait until he graduates? Your daughter is already out of high school, I'm assuming, so if you just wait it out for your son to finish, wouldn't that be better for him?

It will affect him socially and most likely academically.
The OP stated that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Moving can be hard but it's not the end of the world. Now if he were just a year or two from graduating I'd maybe agree.. but he's 14. He will be okay and learn a lot in the process about changing, adapting, making new friends.

I moved when I was 13 from the small town I'd lived in for most of my life. Most of my friends had been my friends since first grade! It was a "temporary" thing... my brother (9 years older than me) had been shot and was in critical condition several states away. My mother HAD to go and be with him. So she sent me to live with my father, just until my brother was better or worse or something happened there. It happened midway through summer vacation and she thought she'd be able to come back before school started.

My father lived 3 hours away in another city but it was a HUGE difference... from a small town of under 10,000 people, one high school, one jr. high, and about 3 elementary schools, to a city with over a million people! Talk about a big adjustment! My new middle school (7th/8th grade only) had more kids than my previous town's entire 4 year high school! My brother remained in critical condition and hospitalized for longer than we'd expected and so when school started in the Fall, I was registered by my Dad in the new city.

Long story short: I fell "in love", at 14... and of course I realize NOW how silly but c'mon, I was 14! What did I know?! So when my brother recovered and my mom wanted me to move back to our small town I freaked out. I never told her i was about my "puppy love" though. I instead lied and told her I REALLY liked the school and had made a ton of friends and wanted to stay there to graduate. She bought it. So she rented out our old house and joined me in my father's city (I did NOT want to live with him, that's for sure)!

I knew if I'd told her the real reason she never would have considered it a valid one.... but it's kind of funny, because now she is still in this area. She hates this area. I am 38 and still here too (and don't like it either)... my mother to this day has no idea she relocated due to my 14 year old crush! (as compared to my academic reasons that I fed her a line about) I feel bad about that...

I think, for the OP, your son needs to go with you. You can be supportive and understanding and sympathetic without giving in on this. I don't think we should ever belittle our children's feelings on these sort of things no matter how much we as adults know that they are temporary and all that.. they are very REAL to the kid at the time. But he needs to go and remain with his family, and you can reassure him that they can keep in touch and since it's only an hour away maybe you can bring him back from time to time so they can do something together on a weekend or school holiday. It will pass with time.

Just my 2 cents.
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Old 08-22-2009, 06:02 PM
 
47,585 posts, read 36,127,295 times
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It's not just a family moving with a 14 year old boy. That would be hard enough, an intact family relocating and the kid having start over, but this is a new marriage, a new man in the home, but actually the 14 year old having to move into another man's house, all new rules. A boy who has had the "man of the house" title to himself.

So this boy will have to learn the "new dad's" rules, the whole family dynamics will be changed. Mom will be very busy now with her new mate, a 14 year old adapting to a step father AND having his own social life ripped apart -- I can see problems.

Mom herself will be caught in the middle. She'll by a newlywed trying to build a new marriage.

Maybe if the 14 year old is allowed some choice, he can visit either of his parents often but live where it suits him which would make everyone's lives easier. Or he starts school where he's accustomed to going, but in time may find he likes the new home and place better.
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Old 08-22-2009, 10:19 PM
 
5,581 posts, read 8,329,849 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
He's dating at age 14? That's too young anyhow, that relationship doesn't have to be included in the consideration.
This is OT, but for a lot of people, 14 isn't too young. Last year my son was trying to decide whether or not he wanted to ask a girl that he was interested in out on a date to see a movie. This was a new thing for us, as he'd never done this before, and I wasn't sure if it was too young for this kind of thing...

It just happened that we had an appointment with our family doctor for some required immunizations, so I spoke with the doctor about it. He said it was totally fine and normal for this age. He said not to worry. But, being a mom who does worry a lot - and always wanting more than one opinion about things - I also called my sons school. His middle school has an on-site counselor who is always available to students and their families. I spoke with her and she said that it was fine and normal at his age and also not to worry. She went a little further, though, and said to just be sure to call the girls parents and introduce ourselves (we had never met this girl or her parents) and to make sure we agree upon times and locations for drop off and pick up and also to exchange phone numbers and contact info and such. She suggested one students parents driving to the movie and the other driving them home from the movie so that both sides get to meet the other student and have the opportunity to meet the other parents when picking up/dropping off.

Anyway... just wanted to respond to that. I honestly was nervous about it and wondered if 14 was too young, too, but evidently it's not, really. But also I think it's ultimately up to the parents. It's their final decision, ultimately, whether to allow dating at whatever age or not.
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