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To be blunt, my husband's nephew is an annoying little pain in the butt. He's 15 and thinks that he can do whatever he pleases whenever he pleases. His dad took off when he was a baby, he grew up with a stepfather (who he was always butting heads with) - the stepfather was always the disciplinarian in the home (he could 'kind of' keep the kid under control) and then he passed away when the kid was 13 (it's hard to tell how he really feels about this, it was sudden, he was shocked for a while). And since then the kid has been a COMPLETE nightmare, his mom really struggles with him.
He disrespects mom all the time, he wanders off from home, he's always in trouble at school (he got kicked out of one school a few months after his stepfather died), he's smart to the teacher's and principal, he's always messing around in school, doing silly things, he got suspended from the basketball team for starting a fight during a game, he doesn't care to follow rules. Recently he's been caught by police with alcohol and while driving his friend's car without a licence (he thinks he's invincible in all ways - he thinks his reckless behavior won't harm him or anyone else and he thinks he'll never get caught - and when he does he doesn't care). This isn't a whole new attitude since his stepfather died, it's just that his stepdad isn't around to try and contain it, he's always been reckless and stupid - he got into trouble at elementary school for climbing on the roof of the school (amongst other things). My husband and I, and other family, are really concerned about the direction that he's going, and the company he's keeping - his friends are just the same, we assume they use at least marijuana. We don't want to lose him.
My husband is the person in the family who has had the most luck with getting him to listen. We've had him stay with us from time to time, in summer and things (when the mom and stepdad needed a break from the constant trouble and headaches he creates throughout the school year) and usually, after a turbulent start, the kid starts responding to his uncle. And by the end of his stay we're usually enjoying his company. He seems to respect my husband as a father figure. We don't live close to his sister and children (there's two younger kids aswell) so it's quite hard for my husband to involve himself but he really wants to step in and try to get this kid to listen. We've even spoken quite seriously about taking the kid in (yes, we're gluttons for punishment), our youngest child is a senior and our only child in the house so we'd have the time to share around. We haven't yet figured out the least awkward way of having that conversation with sister-in-law yet (so...can we have your kid?).
My sister-in-law's attitude is...well, I don't think that she wants to be seen asking for help, I think that she's trying to be strong and trying to show that she can cope without her husband. It's like she doesn't want to bother us with her problems, or admit that she can't control her own child. And she's quite stubborn and closed about it. I'm not really sure of the best way for us to approach her.
How would you approach this? Would you, as extended family, barge your way into a family that was trying to keep their problems internal? We're getting to the point where our concerns for this child are overriding her drive for privacy. We really want to DO something before he screws his life up.
Are you sure it's not just a looming empty nest thing happening on your part? I don't mean anything offensive by this... it's just that I've seen a few times when parents kids are getting ready to graduate high school and move on... suddenly the mom starts looking for the nearest needy thing to cling on to... It's tough for mom's... we go from being needed 24/7 for years and years to suddenly watching them fly off without us...
Personally, though, if it were my husband and I in your situation... we wouldn't get involved. He's not our son, and he's already 15? There's not much you can do really. Plus, it sounds like his mom maybe doesn't want you involved. Maybe just be sure she knows you guys are there if she feels that she ever does need anything. Just offer up that olive branch, but I wouldn't push it through the window anything...
I know how you feel. My husband and I were watching his niece go through similar issues. We thought about approaching her mom about taking her in but we were cowards and didn't. We suspected drug use and had 2 small children and we just didn't. Looking back on it, I really wish we had stepped in. She's in her 20's now and I think she is on a path to self-destruction. I suspect she's an alcoholic. She has chronic health issues that she is not taking care of. We can't help her now. She is an adult. I just can't help but think that if we had taken her in before her last 2 high school years (which were very traumatic) that maybe we could have made a difference. I would make the offer to his mom ("you're doing a good job but maybe he needs a father figure right now"). If you don't, you may be looking back and wishing you had stepped in when you could have helped.
Are you sure it's not just a looming empty nest thing happening on your part?
No, I understand what you mean but I don't think so. This kid is not a 'candidate' for resolving empty nest syndrome, he's more of a turn your life upside down kid. It comes more out of a desire to see him live (and live freely, rather than behind bars) beyond his teenage years.
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Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf
He's not our son, and he's already 15? There's not much you can do really. Plus, it sounds like his mom maybe doesn't want you involved.
Yes, his age and how set in stone his behaviors are do concern me. But I'd like to be optimistic, and based on how he's responded to us in the past... He's spent weeks at a time with us so we're quite attached to him. My husband loves him dearly, he's somewhere between a nephew and a son to him. (Just to explain why my husband really wants to step in and do something). I get the horrible feeling sometimes that his mom is ashamed or embarrassed about the whole situation - my in-laws always had high expectations of their children, we have 3 great kids (not quite angels ), their other cousins are great kids, my sister-in-law's younger two are fine, they haven't picked up on many of their brother's behaviors. The boy is essentially the 'black sheep', which is something that he can tell aswell. Sometimes I wonder if he's just living up to expectations. (I think that one of the reasons that he responds to my husband is because he expects the kid to behave, whereas his grandparents expect that he'll misbehave.)
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Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf
Maybe just be sure she knows you guys are there if she feels that she ever does need anything. Just offer up that olive branch, but I wouldn't push it through the window anything...
Yes, thanks for your opinion. We're concerned about pushing the issue too much and alienating her or having her close down. It's tough...
Charz, thanks for sharing. I can see how it would be a very difficult decision when you have small children, I think if our children were younger we would be very much tempted to stay back. We have fears, about what is going to happen in his life next. We don't want regrets.
You could also approach it under the pretext of getting him away from his friends who are a "bad influence" if that applies at all. Suggest that he get a new start in a new town with you.
We are just going through this now with my nephew. His parents live in florida and he is up north here living with my mother. He had an attitude that he could do whatever he wanted and stay out all night dropped out of school, slept all day and got into some bad elements. His life needed an overhaul beginning with structure - getting up in the morning, chores, work. Because of his antics at school we found the best course of action was to put him in a GED program. He went from failing to A's and B's and is well liked by his teachers.
Don't get me wrong he didn't get perfect and my mother and him had their go arounds because she was now an authority figure - not just grandma - so be aware he may listen to his uncle now but the dynamics of their relationship will change.
But what I'm trying to say is that people and families do this all the time for each other. Wait until she brings up a problem or issue with him and then broach the subject of taking him in again.
Before you try to take him in: Do you have a point where you throw this kid out or send him back? Is there any point where you turn your back on him? He steals your car and wrecks it? He steals your car and hits someone one, severely injuring or killing that person? Is it having to go into a store that you would normally go to but are so humiliated because that child has tried to steal from them? Is it when you find out that he has broken into your neighbors houses and stolen from them?
Is there a point that you call the police to have him arrested because he hits you?
What is or rather do you have a point where you quit or give up?
Hmmm... well if your husband really loves this guy and wants to help him... what about arranging a fishing trip or something for he and your husband? Or hunting? Or some kind of guy bonding thing that they could go out and blow off steam together?
If your husband really wants to help, it seems like maybe you should do something. Definitely make the offer to his mom, but then maybe try to think of other ways you might be able to enrich this boy's life without actually taking over, you know? If he is in school, you could even try volunteering at his school... I see aunts and grandparents volunteer quite a bit at my kid schools. And schools are always looking for ways to get more dads involved as children really do need more positive male role models. Your husband could even maybe pick him up from school one day a week and go to the batting cages or whatever... comic book store... just get some jamba juice or books or whatever he's into. Maybe try talking to the school's principal to get some ideas on how you and your husband could help. Schools can really be a good partner in turning kid's behaviors around. There might be a mentor or a teacher at the school that could help him, too. It takes a lot of communication and effort between parents and the school to make things work though. If his mom is depressed or uninvolved, maybe this is something you guys could do?
I rarely look at this forum but the header caught my eye......I'd leave it alone, frankly, I fear you are asking for huge trouble. Possibly even legal trouble, if it doesn't work out well and the sister in law wants to get back at you, so to speak. I know you are just trying to help but it's just not your kid or your business. Either way, good luck.
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), their other cousins are great kids, my sister-in-law's younger two are fine, they haven't picked up on many of their brother's behaviors. The boy is essentially the 'black sheep', which is something that he can tell aswell. Sometimes I wonder if he's just living up to expectations. (I think that one of the reasons that he responds to my husband is because he expects the kid to behave, whereas his grandparents expect that he'll misbehave.) 
