for anyone who did not have a father growing up (child support, teens)

[hlsess]

My teens lost their father about 4 weeks ago. he was not in the pictture much at all. he rarely saw them or called them-I know he loved them dearly when they were younger. I have been told that they will have problems later in life . I am just curious if any of you grew up with no father around - IF you have had problems later in life- I am sure there will be some problems and i know that all people may handle it differently. They really haven't said much since he died.

[Pitt Chick]

If he was not in the picture, what difference is it?
How much contact DID they have?
How much will they miss him, since he wasn't around anyways?

What kind of problems are you expecting, and when?

[hlsess]

a good friend who was in same situation said she had many problems later in life- I don't really expect many - was just wondering if anyone has been through this- I don't think they miss him at all

[LibraGirl123]

Originally Posted by hlsess

My teens lost their father about 4 weeks ago. he was not in the pictture much at all. he rarely saw them or called them-I know he loved them dearly when they were younger. I have been told that they will have problems later in life . I am just curious if any of you grew up with no father around - IF you have had problems later in life- I am sure there will be some problems and i know that all people may handle it differently. They really haven't said much since he died.

My situation is a little different than yours. My husband died when my sons were 2 and 7. It was hard becoming a widow in my 30's, but what really broke my heart was that my sons would grow up without their father.

Your sons will not necessarily have problems later in life. If possible, see if you can find a support group for bereaved teens. They may give you a hard time about going, but see if you can make a deal with them to just try it at least once. Many kids will talk about things in a support group that they will not mention to their own parent(s).

There are lots of books in the library about bereavement. Educate yourself about the process...grief takes time, LOTS of time. Even though my sons are now in their 20's, I still bring their Dad up in conversation. I'm not sure why your husband lost touch with your sons, but perhaps you can assure them that he did love them.

Since your sons are not yet adults, the loss of their father may emerge again and again as they pass through life "events"...graduation from high school/college, getting married, becoming a father themselves. Educate yourself, go to a grief counselor...do whatever it takes to help your sons as best you can. Good luck!

[hypocore]

I was 16 when my dad died. Can't say it really affected me negatively in much of any way. That was 33 years ago....

[Pitt Chick]

We were 15, 17, 19 and 21 when our dad died... and he was very much in our lives.

Not one of us has "problems later in life"... and he died in '76.

[1984vt]

You stated he wasn't around much prior to dying. Perhaps they will forget that fact. There is a difference between a father dying and one that doesn't want to be around. There are more abandonment issues when a father is alive but not involved so your sons may be better off having a deceased father than having an uninvolved father. Just a thought.

My husbands father died when he was 8 and his mother then became addicted to valiums so he was pretty much left to grow up by himself. I have to treat him as an 8 year old because no one was around to tell him to "turn out the lights when you leave the room", or "put your things away when you are done with them." At first I thought he did things like this to torment me, then I realized he really didn't have the basics reinforced on a daily basis so I overlook the behavior.

You sound like a responsbile, caring and loving mother so I am sure your sons will turn out fine.

[Aconite]

Originally Posted by hlsess

My teens lost their father about 4 weeks ago. he was not in the pictture much at all. he rarely saw them or called them-I know he loved them dearly when they were younger. I have been told that they will have problems later in life . I am just curious if any of you grew up with no father around - IF you have had problems later in life- I am sure there will be some problems and i know that all people may handle it differently. They really haven't said much since he died.

I'm sorry for your loss, hl.

My dad was absent most of the time I was growing up, and my sisters and I seem to've turned out okay. (I suppose there's still time for one of us to go bad; the eldest is only 62. ) I think it has a lot to do with the other family circumstances, and the relationship they'd had with their dad thus far, and with you.

[Jaggy001]

My dad died when I was 9 and my sister 7. I cannot really say if it affected me or how. We have both been pretty successful both educationally and professionally. Probably the main thing is that my mother did not go to pieces but just got on with the fact of having to bring two children up.

[hlsess]

Thanks so much- he was a worthless father- wanted everyone to do everything for him-quailifed and got disability- still worked some but rarely paid enough child support- one of my Best friend's keeps telling me how they are going to have problems later on- her dad died when she was 14 etc.... and has had problems of guilt etc... My kids rarely saw him or talked to him- are great kids-actually one boy and one girl- I've asked them about it and they say they are fine... What else can i do? they both make good grades- have good friends etc... I have been told by so many that I have done a wonderful job raising them alone-