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I wouldn't say to intentionally go out of her way to post "fun" pictures because then that doesn't make her any better than anyone else in the situation. Making her daughter feel jealous and left out and trying to play with her emotions is the wrong way to go. She just needs to block them and keep in contact with her daughter via text or something and go on living her life.
I would agree that the best thing the OP could do is just delete her FB account but if she cannot or will not, if she has other friends then she needs to start getting a life and showing everyone she has one.
Right now the boy's mother sees this as some kind of contest and she's winning the "prize" which is the ungrateful brat who does nothing for herself but certainly costs some money or at least food stamps to keep her fed. And wait until the boy's mom has to take the girl to the dentist or pay for medicines and a doctor bill for her. It's one thing to share some of your cheap marijuana when you're trying to be the cool parent.
I would think a wholesome happy family trip would offset some of that "cool" dancing in a bar kind of pictures. That would be like saying "You can stuff the bar room dance crap, we're having other kinds of fun." See us whitewater rafting, at Sea World, hiking in a national park, wish you could have been there.
The brat needs to learn that the world doesn't circle around her, and that her college money has now gone to a good purpose, her siblings are having a great summer. She can dance with some old lady in the bar and get her kicks that way.
I would agree that the best thing the OP could do is just delete her FB account but if she cannot or will not, if she has other friends then she needs to start getting a life and showing everyone she has one.
Right now the boy's mother sees this as some kind of contest and she's winning the "prize" which is the ungrateful brat who does nothing for herself but certainly costs some money or at least food stamps to keep her fed. And wait until the boy's mom has to take the girl to the dentist or pay for medicines and a doctor bill for her. It's one thing to share some of your cheap marijuana when you're trying to be the cool parent.
I would think a wholesome happy family trip would offset some of that "cool" dancing in a bar kind of pictures. That would be like saying "You can stuff the bar room dance crap, we're having other kinds of fun." See us whitewater rafting, at Sea World, hiking in a national park, wish you could have been there.
The brat needs to learn that the world doesn't circle around her, and that her college money has now gone to a good purpose, her siblings are having a great summer. She can dance with some old lady in the bar and get her kicks that way.
Why does his mother HAVE to take the girl to the dentist?
The girl is 18, she can either pay for her self or go without or rack up medical bills under HER name not the boys mother.
I have deleted my facebook account for now. I am also changing our cell phone numbers. If she wants to get a hold of us she is going to have to work at it. She has her aunts cell and her aunt is a facebook friend. She also has our email and her aunts email. I just feel we need to go off the grid if you will so we can heal and get some counseling and focus on getting our family unit strong again. I agree with most everything everyone is saying. I think I am driving myself crazy is trying to figure out where I went wrong and to take responsibility for my part. I guess that is where counseling will come into play. I thought we had a good relationship but I guess I was wrong. I guess I have been snowed somehow. I knew in my gut she was acting different and something was up, but I never thought this would be the outcome. On one hand I am relieved that we are not jumping through hoops trying to make her happy and on the other I am sad. As far as the mother condoning it actually I think she is. Her and her son having obviously been putting ideas in mydaughters head and also my daughter is probably manipulating them with her "story". Either way this lady is trying to hurt me and get under my skin and my daughter is perfectly fine with it. I just don't understand why. Last time I spoke with my daughter I was so upset about her not graduating since she had told me she would and was gonna get her life together as if it wasn't already when she was at home. She hung up on me needless to say and refuses to speak with me anymore, so I am done. I have deleted my facebook and I am changing my numbers. It sucks, but somehow I feel a little better doing it. I feel like in some way by doing this she does not get to call all the shots and I take my power back. Maybe some will agree with this and some won't, but I don't care. Like I said if she wants to get a hold of us she will have to go through my sister. Thanks for all the support and advice everyone.
sc0628,
Guess what? You're going to wake up one of these days and say, "OMG! I've been letting that kid rule every emotion! Every hour of every day has been consumed, in one way or another, with thoughts of her....and for WHAT!?" Because I think you're trying to be a good mom to your kids, you're probably going to cry, when you realize that you've been allowing your daughter's actions hurt everyone else in house, mainly through you. Seriously, Sc, you HAVE to figure out a way to distance yourself from this situation. Oh!....by the way...you also have to figure out a way to forgive yourSELF for the things you did when YOU were younger.
None of us want our kids to repeat our mistakes. I KILLS us when they do. What you have to remember though is that the mistakes we made earlier in our lives are what shapes us into the "better", more empathetic, wiser people we are today! You made mistakes. Your daughter is making mistakes. Just about everyone you KNOW has made some pretty drastic and shameful mistakes in their lives. Many of them, you'll never know about, because they don't want to talk about those mistakes. They moved on from them. They used those experiences as valuable life lessons and got on with life. Maybe your daughter will go to college, maybe she won't. Maybe she'll be 30 before she goes....who knows. Either way, the sooner you realize that she's living her life, the way she wants to live it right now.....the way she has the RIGHT to live it right now....and learn to just let her go, the happier your whole family will be.
Great advice!
Try not to condem yourself..She has her own free will.
It's normal to grieve but take it one day at a time.
Enjoy your new home. It will be good for her to see you happy and fullfilled. It may cause her to rethink her choices.
Why does his mother HAVE to take the girl to the dentist?
The girl is 18, she can either pay for her self or go without or rack up medical bills under HER name not the boys mother.
Well -- the daughter isn't working and isn't likely going to be working as long as she can't pass a preemployment drug test. I doubt this girl is at all prepared to make it on her own, her mom had college in mind for her which likely included they would have continued providing her medical and dental care.
She's dependent on the boy (she'd better make sure she keeps putting out) and his mother. Completely helpless and dependent until she wises up. That would mean at the very least she put down the joint, sober up and try to find a job. A low paying job of course since she made the very foolish decision to drop out of school and the boy's mother obviously does not care anything for her well being or possible future independence by going along with it.
I have deleted my facebook account for now. I am also changing our cell phone numbers. If she wants to get a hold of us she is going to have to work at it. She has her aunts cell and her aunt is a facebook friend. She also has our email and her aunts email. I just feel we need to go off the grid if you will so we can heal and get some counseling and focus on getting our family unit strong again. I agree with most everything everyone is saying. I think I am driving myself crazy is trying to figure out where I went wrong and to take responsibility for my part. I guess that is where counseling will come into play. I thought we had a good relationship but I guess I was wrong. I guess I have been snowed somehow. I knew in my gut she was acting different and something was up, but I never thought this would be the outcome. On one hand I am relieved that we are not jumping through hoops trying to make her happy and on the other I am sad. As far as the mother condoning it actually I think she is. Her and her son having obviously been putting ideas in mydaughters head and also my daughter is probably manipulating them with her "story". Either way this lady is trying to hurt me and get under my skin and my daughter is perfectly fine with it. I just don't understand why. Last time I spoke with my daughter I was so upset about her not graduating since she had told me she would and was gonna get her life together as if it wasn't already when she was at home. She hung up on me needless to say and refuses to speak with me anymore, so I am done. I have deleted my facebook and I am changing my numbers. It sucks, but somehow I feel a little better doing it. I feel like in some way by doing this she does not get to call all the shots and I take my power back. Maybe some will agree with this and some won't, but I don't care. Like I said if she wants to get a hold of us she will have to go through my sister. Thanks for all the support and advice everyone.
Good plan. Just move on for now, accept that she has made her foolish decisions. Don't blame yourself because you cannot control everything a grown or almost grown child does. Forget trying to figure it out - once drugs are involved, there is no rationality behind anything.
You can only control what you can control, you can bring happiness back to your family now that everything doesn't revolve around just the one.
Now that you're closing those doors, she no longer has anything to rebel against. The game is over. That alone may change things or it may not -- again -- nothing you do or say can bring her back now, it will have to come from her, time will tell but you have to keep moving on. If you pray, keep her in your prayers.
Get strong -- and realize that if and when she contacts you, it will almost surely be because she wants something and so be prepared to be strong and do only what's right to do. Sometimes it's best not to be too eager, don't give her money, never try to buy her back.
One of my cousins had to be a foolish rebel, dropped out of college that they were paying for, chose a number of idiotic routes for her life. It was when she went crawling back once again but her parents had finally had enough and realized they had to take a tougher approach -- one was that she absolutely had to find a job, no more free money or free car and no more doormat parents she could wipe her feet on. Coming home the last time was strictly on their terms - she was over 30 and with two kids. She accepted their terms and she has kept her life more or less on track ever since.
Stey strong - when she needs you back, she will need your strength not your weakness.
{{{hugs}}} SCO. I think you're doing the right thing, you just have to let it go. I know thats like not noticing your arm is bleeding, but tough love works best in these situations. The more you give, the more they'll take. Act like a doormat, they'll continue to wipe their dirty feet on you. I did write a kid off once, and made him come back to me, and he did,with his tail between his legs. So I know it works, but I about died while waiting, it hurt so bad. A parent can never let the kid have the upper hand.
I wanted respect, and trust me, its worth waiting for. That boys mom is trash and I'd ignore her. YOU are the one thats going to have a better more productive life, what does she have? Sounds like you have a great supportive husband, so I'd do all I could to not mention this mess to him. I'd fake happiness if I had to, but I'd be darn if I'd destroy my life over a bratty kid! Good luck to you and your family..
Brought the girl back to her home?
She's 18, legal to leave if she wanted to. The other family couldn't have legally done anything except made her leave the house.
Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you can break laws when it comes to your adult children.
Come on, kiddo, you know I like you and your antics a lot. You remind me a lot about my outrageous youth.
But stop thinking like a brat and think like a mom. It's nightmare to have your little one being pulled into another home you know nothing about. If I am the father, I'll be fricking furious. People need to put themselves in the offended's shoes and then arrive at decisions.
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