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You were clear, I wasn't suggesting you were homophobic, just that reaction to a homophobic culture could be a more salient cause of depression than the relationship being abusive. Maybe it is abusive, but without further details it's dangerous to assume that it is. Abuse can damage lives, and so can labelling things abuse that actually aren't. See this site for many examples.
Yeah, the OP really didn't explain what the knife thing was all about or why it would provoke her daughter to admit to being a lesbian. I don't really get the connection.
First I'm very sorry you're going through this - the knives are what are concerning me as a mom. My son came out to me when he was 14, though he (& I) knew much sooner - he didn't come out to his father until he was 18. He was in tears when he told me because he was afraid I wouldn't love him because of his orientation. Of course I told him short of being a serial killer, there was nothing that would make me stop loving him. He's almost 24 now, we're the best of friends (as well as mom/son) and talk about pretty much everything.
I think counseling is excellent - but possibly not do it as a 'family'. Most kids are afraid to really open up when when mom and dad are present - and it's important that she speak with someone where she doesn't feel she's being judged. There are specialists who can can help your daughter and be supportive of what she is going through both sexually and well, where the whole knives etc. came from
I agree with not doing counseling as a family.
It might be better to have her do individual sessions and any good counselor will tell you about something you NEED to know.
I also agree with finding a counselor that is supportive and won't judge. I am happy that the counselor I had took my "coming out" in stride. Of course even if they hadn't been supportive or okay with my lesbianism, I would have been fine but I know some young teens take a lot of what their therapist says to heart. "If the therapist says I'm sick, it must be true."
I wish you the best of luck OP.
I went through the whole cutting issue and it's not an easy thing to break from.
It might be better to have her do individual sessions and any good counselor will tell you about something you NEED to know.
I also agree with finding a counselor that is supportive and won't judge. I am happy that the counselor I had took my "coming out" in stride. Of course even if they hadn't been supportive or okay with my lesbianism, I would have been fine but I know some young teens take a lot of what their therapist says to heart. "If the therapist says I'm sick, it must be true."
I wish you the best of luck OP.
I went through the whole cutting issue and it's not an easy thing to break from.
the CHILD needs both types of counseling so the therapist can evaluate the family dynamics
I think not only will your daughter benefit from individual counseling, but the family would benefit from counseling as well. You need to be sure that you and your spouse are communicating with her in a way that helps you hear and see what she is trying to express, and that also allows her to hear and see what you are saying.
Best of luck.
Thanks for all your responses. Yes, there is more to this situation than I initially shared. It was abuse. Our therapist was very concerned about the things that were said and done by this 14 yr old. She feels that our 12 year old is a child who due to the extreme regiment of the sport she is in has had very little free time to socialize outside of her athletic circle. (Her choice.) Sadly, this and our misguided belief that sex education was of little concern since she was always with other girls, left our daughter vulnerable to this older girl.
We have since learned that this girls family moved here because of a similar incident.
My husband and I feel that she needs someone other than us to discuss this with. She doesn't feel like she needs to. It's like a cancer that is growing in her. She is constantly angry and feels that everything we do is in relation to relationship with this girl. Our therapist has explained that some of the behaviors she is exhibiting are normal for teenagers but that much of it stems from guilty feelings she has now that she knows that the behaviors she was exposed to are not normal teenage behavior. Its hard to see a vibrant young girl changed so. She also feels that our daughter needs to continue therapy. If it were cancer, we wouldn't let it go and hope for the best.
Should we force the therapy? She doesn't dislike the therapist - or so she says - just doesn't feel like she needs her.
I'm with Squid, Purple and Jacques - separate the orientation from the other behaviors. One may affect the other but are individual issues.
I would strongly suggest therapy for the cutting. It's not so much the act of bloodletting but the cause that concerns me. What is her motivation - it isn't the same for every person. Some times it's a rush (for the endorphins) and some times it's an infliction. She needs someone to hear her, someone professionally trained, "outside" that she feels will listen, understand and be right there in it with her. The parent may not be able to fulfill this need, no matter how willing, because your role is defined by her measure...
Identify her pain.
Understand that if she feels she is a Lesbian, this includes a sexual attraction and emotional desire. Don't get hung up on one aspect. I do not know the level of maturity your daughter demonstrates, but I personally do not discount 12 years old as incapable of such determination, based on my own experiences.
It sounds like the girl she hooked up with is a problem, period, and the two need to be parted. Not that an involvement is bad, but the friend is...
That's tough, but your description has already suggested an unhealthy relationship between them - and if there is provable abuse, not a friend at all.
The two are parted for sure. The school has been notified and she is no longer participating in our daughters sport due to the nature of her abuse. The school was notified by our therapist.
The lesbian issue only concerns me if she feels this way because she has been told that she is lesbian. She knows that we love her no matter what. If she is lebian, so be it.
The fact that she was so easily taken advantage of is our concern. I'd say that her maturity level is a young 12 year old. She had been told by this girl to keep quiet - or else. She was relieved when I found the knives. (Her therapist believes these were left in a place where we would find them.)
Again, the issue here is that we now feel compelled to "watch her like a hawk" and she is rebelling. Her young mind only allows her to think that we are doing it because she told us she thinks she is lesbian. We've tried to explain that a parents job is to teach and protect.
Her therapist thinks that she is acting/rebelling/angry out of guilt. Here we are telling her that what the 14 year old did was wrong, so what's to keep her from feeling guilt as well. She didn't run and tell on her. She continued to be manipulated by this girl until I approached her about it.
Is it possible to sit her down, look her in the eye and explain point-blank that she scared you? (And why.) That because you weren't quite prepared for something like this (that rarely a parent is) you are only wanting to make sure she has the support she needs, from where-ever you need to find it.
If she could process that her hurting has you only wanting to help her, that you are trying to help her, not fix her...not make her someone else...and that by having a therapist to spill everything to it isn't trying to spy on her - it's giving her an outlet to sort through her experience, get her head together. That even if she thinks she doesn't need it, it is there. Hey kiddo, TRY IT, could be helpful.
Boy, I just reread this and it sounds kinda YADDA...I hope you know what I mean. I just gave myself a headache. The joys of parenting. Yup.
One more thing...pay close attention to the Therapist. I've known some counselors that really had that insight, ability, and others who simply and routinely wasted 45 minutes. It can be hard from the outside to tell the difference.
I have 3 children, this one is the youngest and I have a giant headache and an even bigger heartache. There are some sick people in this world. I knew it and thought I had covered the bases...the creep with the lost puppy, walk in pairs, etc. Who knew the perp would be another kid.
My hear breaks for the 14 year old as well, something is off somewhere....but my priority is my child.
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