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Old 02-09-2010, 10:43 AM
 
1 posts, read 3,386 times
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I have been divorced for almost 4 years. My 9 year old daughter has lived in CT since she was 5 years old. I live 75 miles away in NJ. I filed for custody 2 years ago with her relocating to NJ with me. My ex and I finally agreed that he would move to NJ with our daughter in 1 1/2 years. He is angry about moving and decided to tell our daughter about the move a few days ago. He expressed his anger at being forced to move and told our daughter that he only agreed to it to stop the fighting between the two of us. He told her that he did not want to move and thinks that I should be the one to move to CT even though I would not financially be able to afford to move to the same town. My daughter is very mad at me about the move and is currently refusing to talk to me unless I tell her she does not have to move. I think the move is the best for all of us but I am concerned about the negative impact of moving on a 10 year old. Any thoughts?
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Old 02-09-2010, 12:21 PM
 
4,044 posts, read 5,943,114 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jco View Post
I live in a high growth area, and I've worked with a lot of kids (all ages) who feel like they've lost their identity in their move. Some clam up and others start to rebel. Many are willing to make friends with whoever will sit with them at lunch. Overall, I know it's affected the schools' performance. Because there are so many personal and emotional distractions, kids aren't as academically interested. Has anyone experienced this or have the same concern?
I am.

Kids are affected by frequent moves (even one). This is a "no kidding".
The very reason why I loathe the contemporary free market system that forces so many families to uproot often for the sake of a job.
Even worse, many have come to believe it is normal and even beneficial for everyone to butterfly their way through life. It is an atrocity for children's mental well being. The older, the worse the effects.
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Old 02-09-2010, 12:58 PM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,730,432 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meals2010 View Post
I have been divorced for almost 4 years. My 9 year old daughter has lived in CT since she was 5 years old. I live 75 miles away in NJ. I filed for custody 2 years ago with her relocating to NJ with me. My ex and I finally agreed that he would move to NJ with our daughter in 1 1/2 years. He is angry about moving and decided to tell our daughter about the move a few days ago. He expressed his anger at being forced to move and told our daughter that he only agreed to it to stop the fighting between the two of us. He told her that he did not want to move and thinks that I should be the one to move to CT even though I would not financially be able to afford to move to the same town. My daughter is very mad at me about the move and is currently refusing to talk to me unless I tell her she does not have to move. I think the move is the best for all of us but I am concerned about the negative impact of moving on a 10 year old. Any thoughts?
I think the impact of you and the ex fighting over it will be just as harmful if not more so than the move itself. I don't really understand the thought process behind the move w/o more details. I don't know if she's better off with you or with your ex. I don't understand why your ex would have to pick up and move. Many divorced parents live more than 75 miles apart and share custody.

Re the OP, even though it is an old post, Yes, I worry abut the impact of moving kids around. I lived in the same house all my life, and I liked the stability. It was neat to have known the same neighbors for (now) 36 years. But I never was good at making friends, maybe because I never had to growing up. I think one move is different than multiple moves too. Some people nowadays move every few years in order to further Dad's career. I don't agree with that. I think providing a stable childhood for my kids in more important. I know some will disagree.

ETA for us moving out of state was a "now or never" thing. "Now" being before the kids started elementary school. Now that one is in school, I see us staying where we are until they graduate. Of course things don't always go as planned, but that's what we'd like to do.
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Old 02-09-2010, 03:33 PM
 
664 posts, read 1,712,916 times
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Yes, we worry all the time. We are a military family and move every 2-3 years. We try the best we can when we move to a new area for our kids to make new friends and to adjust. It's been really hard and also really rewarding as well. Being around the miltiary community is a tad easier though since all the kids my kids ( or most ) are military as well.
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Old 02-10-2010, 08:36 PM
 
511 posts, read 1,909,340 times
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We moved the summer before I went into 11th grade. It sent me into a deep depression. I spent most of the 11th grade alone... actually I had such a hard time making friends at the new school that I started leaving campus to eat lunch after my math teacher poked fun at me, in front of a group of students, for not having any friends to eat with (I hated that woman. God, I hated that woman). After that I ate lunch across the street with a horse & a goat who were boarded at the fairgrounds. No kidding. Pretty pathetic, huh? When I finally did start to make a few friends, mostly in the grade below me, I started bit by bit to rebel. I was furious because I had been forced to leave my friends and the town I loved... and I had planned to go to UNC (University of Northern Colorado) after graduating but there wasn't a chance I could make out of state tuition so I felt like all my plans were shot. At 18 I moved out against my parents will and stopped talking to them for the most part. It took me years to forgive my dad for moving us out here. But I did forgive him, and I came to understand the reasons for the move & I asked for their forgivness for the way I had acted out. It took many years but I think it all turned out ok in the end. That said, I would have to be pretty hard pressed to ever move my daughter, especially when she is older.
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Old 02-11-2010, 05:25 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,298 posts, read 20,544,645 times
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Every kid is different and adjusts differently. My sis rebelled when we moved, was terrible to my parents and put them through hell. I thrived and loved the newness of where we lived.

We recently moved and my son had a complete breakdown. His anxiety level went through the roof and it has been challenging for the entire family. My daughter on the other hand loves it. She has made a lot of new friends, loves school and everything about the area.

I think if you move you have to be the best parent you can be and help your child adjust.
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Old 02-11-2010, 07:13 PM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
403 posts, read 1,362,904 times
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We moved from Washington State to North Carolina 3 months ago and my kids have adjusted well. (ages 10 and 6). What seems to have worked for us was talking about it. I asked them several times if they had any questions, worries, concerns. One night before the move, my 10 year old came out of bed and wanted to know if there were any dairy queens in NC. We got on the computer and looked it up. I had the atlas out a lot so they could see. We talked about it. A LOT. We made sure there were phone number and addresses for everyone. I bought a stationary set and have spent a lot of money in stamps, lol. Just talk. Stay calm about it.

I truly believe my kids believed in me and trusted in me to take care of things so they didn't have to worry.
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:14 AM
 
2 posts, read 6,278 times
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Smile hey..

wow, after reading this.. i think you've gone through alot. im doing an assignment for my hsc based on moving schools and if it alters the individual. you answered half my essay question. thankyou. i just like to ask you.. was that when you moved from private to public?..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jkmetz View Post
I feel that moving has made me into a bad person, or worse person. I definitely know that i have identity problems with who I am, and what i should be doing. I feel that i often am found wondering about things and situations. My first move was around age 7 from texas to MN. I learned to re adjust. making new friends, enjoying life. I was a custom to my new surroundings and it took about 1 year to feel like home. Three years later my family made another move. Again all of the problems were put back into my life. I was 11 at the time. This move seemed harder i had 2 sets of friends i still had not forgotten about and often felt like the kid who everyone referred to me as the kid who was from "MN". I develop relationship problems, not knowing who to be friends with and how to react to others. I became more quite and rebellious with every move. Always wanting to be a different person. I still dont understand why i want to do this. Anyways, after living in Memphis for 6 years my family moved again during my junior year of highschool. I can remember not caring that i moved. I felt like i had no friends in highschool, because i had distend myself from everyone. I quit playing sports and lost my focus. I started to fail in school. I think i started to give up and to this day am still struggling with that. But once we moved it has taken LOTS of time to adjust to my new surroundings living in IL now. I go to college and to this day am still the guy people associate with moving from Memphis. Its not so bad anymore, but i get told this once or twice a year now. To this day i don't know who I am or what i should be doing. I question everything and don't let my "instinct" guide me. Anyways i hope that shed some light.... but don't look at my life like it was horrible, i have definitely had some great times, this was just one thing that has held me back and i am struggling to overcome it.
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:31 AM
 
2 posts, read 6,278 times
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i was in a private school.. well grew up in a private school my whole life.. ive never been to a public school before. meanwhile, i was on probation in yr 10 and had to move schools. i was so anxious of moving..was scared though had my older sister with me, though she adjusted quite easily as she is more socialised than i am. im still in that school to today and its been okay though i changed abit. i became more rebel and didnt care about anyone. many people wouldnt talk to me though i didnt care as i got used to the fact i sat alone at recess and lunch times. i started failing..mind you, ive never failed before till i moved to a public school.. this yr is my hsc year and i am trying my best with everything and not caring about the world around me just being in my own bubble of ignorance. Ive coped alot of racist comments and been accused for things ive never done. i hate it but im just happy that this yr is my last year of school so ill be off to university hopefully.
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Old 05-03-2010, 08:07 AM
 
Location: Ontario
177 posts, read 398,074 times
Reputation: 82
all the time. there were kids here whos parents were business executives and they would be here anywhere from 6 months to a year. in school many of them chose to isolate themselves instead of making friends. due to the different school requirements in classes, many of them didnt care about school either.
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