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Old 09-24-2009, 05:40 AM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,815,685 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by addish View Post
Just looking for some opinions here. I have a son who turned 18 a few months ago. The years 13-17 were a nightmare. There were numerous criminal/school issues. We've been through diversion, juvenile probation, lawyers, juvenile hall with him. As a result of all the messing around that he did he couldn't graduate high school on time so is still there (still there after having been convinced that finishing high school at all would be a good achievement).

So he's still living at home with us, attending school. We told him that this is fine and that we are happy for him to stay so long as he attends school every day, abides by our rules, does household chores and accepts that we still have the right to set consequences if we feel we need to (although we are really working on concepts of independence, accountability and responsibility).

We have also told him that since he is now 18 he can take care of himself if he gets into anymore legal trouble. We told him that if he is arrested and he calls us then we will give him the number of the lawyer that we have used in the past and wish him luck. We told him that we won't put money up for a bond and we won't pay for any more lawyers. We told him that if he is arrested he is completely responsible for organizing his own legal representation and payment. And he can find a ride when he gets released from jail too. We will support him emotionally but if he gets himself into trouble he can get himself out of it too.

We've been having a couple of discussions/arguments about this recently. He decided that we are being unreasonable in treating him like a 16/17 year old at home (because he's oh so grown up now...) when we expect him to act like an adult out there in the world. He doesn't think it's fair that he would have no support from us if he got into trouble but then he'd come home and "get spanked" (in his words, he's of course exaggerating on the spanking but you get the point).

So essentially he wants more freedom at home...And the ability to call for help from mom and dad (the best of both worlds huh?). But he doesn't like our suggestion that he become our roommate and pay rent, and feed himself, and label his food in the fridge.

Do you think it's so hypocritical or unreasonable to have these expectations?
You are allowing another adult to live in your house, eat your food, use your appliances for laundry. What you are asking in return is that he live by your rules. That is not unreasonable. Tell him that if he doesn't like it he can live wherever else he likes.
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Old 09-24-2009, 05:59 AM
 
4,096 posts, read 11,427,104 times
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Remember he has had 18 years to learn exactly how to manipulate you and get what he wants. I suspect that he is just using those techniques.

How about writing down the rules and consequences for him. Maybe seeing something in writing that he cannot argue with (the document) might just reinforce it for him. Maybe the seriousness of the written word would make a little difference.
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Old 09-24-2009, 06:07 AM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 12,631,054 times
Reputation: 9547
I think your rules are perfectly reasonable. No matter how old he is, if he's living under your roof and you are paying the bills, he has to expect to abide by your rules. Teenagers are master manipulators who know how to push your buttons don't fall for it.
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Old 09-24-2009, 09:34 AM
 
Location: Rocket City, U.S.A.
1,806 posts, read 5,686,414 times
Reputation: 865
Quote:
Originally Posted by addish View Post
Just looking for some opinions here. I have a son who turned 18 a few months ago. The years 13-17 were a nightmare. There were numerous criminal/school issues. We've been through diversion, juvenile probation, lawyers, juvenile hall with him. As a result of all the messing around that he did he couldn't graduate high school on time so is still there (still there after having been convinced that finishing high school at all would be a good achievement).

So he's still living at home with us, attending school. We told him that this is fine and that we are happy for him to stay so long as he attends school every day, abides by our rules, does household chores and accepts that we still have the right to set consequences if we feel we need to (although we are really working on concepts of independence, accountability and responsibility).

We have also told him that since he is now 18 he can take care of himself if he gets into anymore legal trouble. We told him that if he is arrested and he calls us then we will give him the number of the lawyer that we have used in the past and wish him luck. We told him that we won't put money up for a bond and we won't pay for any more lawyers. We told him that if he is arrested he is completely responsible for organizing his own legal representation and payment. And he can find a ride when he gets released from jail too. We will support him emotionally but if he gets himself into trouble he can get himself out of it too.

We've been having a couple of discussions/arguments about this recently. He decided that we are being unreasonable in treating him like a 16/17 year old at home (because he's oh so grown up now...) when we expect him to act like an adult out there in the world. He doesn't think it's fair that he would have no support from us if he got into trouble but then he'd come home and "get spanked" (in his words, he's of course exaggerating on the spanking but you get the point).

So essentially he wants more freedom at home...And the ability to call for help from mom and dad (the best of both worlds huh?). But he doesn't like our suggestion that he become our roommate and pay rent, and feed himself, and label his food in the fridge.

Do you think it's so hypocritical or unreasonable to have these expectations?
That's simple. Option 1) is $ ____ a month with set regulations or 2) free with set regulations. Just because he's an adult now does not mean the house suddenly became his, not yours.
Seriously...he needs to understand that anywhere he is going to live, there will be rules. A landlord is also going to tell him NO to many things, and he is welcome to choose that route instead.
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Old 09-24-2009, 04:10 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
1,287 posts, read 3,805,151 times
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Pretty simple, your house, your rules.

If he doesn't like it he is old enough to leave.
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Old 09-24-2009, 04:20 PM
 
9,091 posts, read 19,143,523 times
Reputation: 6967
explain that "your house, your rules" applies to all situations in life

even when you own a house for yourself there are rules that you must follow to maintain ownership of that house

he can live with you and be expected to follow some basic rules of your household

he can go pay money and live with a roomate or in a place of his own and have flexibility in some regards (most landlords could give a rip when you come in at night, if you have girls over, etc) - however, they will be very unforgiving if you violate their rules and will financially impact you and put you out on your rear

being subjected to rules is part of operating within a society as an adult - you're just offering him a good deal on the housing front, not babying him

hopefully he can get it together

i know my brother had some issues growing up and was thrown out of his first college - my parents cut the cord financially with him, but allowed him to live at home as long as he was working and going to the local community college

he was 19-21 during this time and had some adult freedoms, but still had to do his part as well around the house

paying his own way to college and this time in general helped him turn it all around
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Old 09-25-2009, 12:12 AM
 
4 posts, read 5,726 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetana3 View Post
Remember he has had 18 years to learn exactly how to manipulate you and get what he wants. I suspect that he is just using those techniques.
Aha, why haven't I thought of this myself.

So it sounds like what we're doing is the same as, I think, 100% of you would do.

That's comforting.

We had considered rent but we decided we wouldn't because we are requiring him to pay us back at least a certain amount of money each week due to the large amount of money that we spent on him throughout all the legal issues. We decided on a percentage of everything that we had spent on him. (He doesn't like it, oh he has complained, but he has been paying us).
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