Good or bad strategy??? (punish, divorced, parents, children) - Children, problems, school, daycare, behavior, age, teenagers, infants - City-Data Forum

leibnyz · 09-30-2009, 07:46 PM

Hi:
Im a mother of 7 yold twins.I have been divorced for 2 years.at the beggining,sometimes he didnt showed up for visitations and now he shows up only when he wants,so,last time he fail I told him that he was not to pick them up anymore on wen( our arrangement is every other weekend and wenesdays)I also told him that whenever he was ready to comply with the visistations,to let me know,and we would go back to the wen visitations.I want him to understand that if he doesnt work,he has no reason not to be there! and Im tired of changing times and waiting.Is this techicque effective at all.How can I make him be puntual?

PassTheChocolate · 09-30-2009, 08:33 PM

It is not a good strategy if you are trying to get him to abide my the judgment. By telling him not to pick them up on Wednesday, you are giving him what he wants. You can't punish him by denying him visitation when he can't be bothered to pick them on his scheduled days to begin with. It's just another day off for him.

I really don't know how to make someone want to see their kids. It almost seems like it isn't worth the trouble. I'd tell him not to bother if he can't show up when he is supposed to. Be there or take a hike. I don't approve of anyone half-assing their way through their kids lives.

steelstress · 10-01-2009, 12:00 AM

No, no, no.... you better NOT refuse to let him see them on Wednesdays... that'll put YOU in contempt of the court order. You really have no power here. Just abide by the order. And don't expect him to show up. Keep your own butt out of trouble.

Laura707 · 10-01-2009, 10:09 PM

First thing you do is start keeping a log of everytime he says he is coming and don't.... then everytime he don't call to set it up or bother to show.

If visitation is court ordered, YOU are in violation of the order if you refuse to let them go anytime, but somehow, he is not if he fails to show up.

I promise you, kids grow up and they remember everything! His day will come and he will be sorry he is doing this to his own kids.

malamute · 10-01-2009, 11:18 PM

I don't think you can make an ex be anything, the more you try to control him, the more he'll fight and resist your control.

I think when it comes to divorced parents, it's best for each to stop trying to change the other, it's too late for that. The kids are old enough to see if you're blocking visitations and they are also old enough to see that dad isn't always the most dependable. You no longer have a relationship with him, but the kids still do and you're better off just leaving them all to work it out among themselves.

It's just better for you not to interfere one way or the other. Maybe the kids like dad even if he's not the most punctual, if you try to punish him, it may backfire, the kids may see you as the problem. Or they may tire of a lack of schedule themselves but they should never see you as trying to keep them from their dad.

aidxen · 10-02-2009, 01:43 AM

Good to see you still want to control him.

But I would still keep a diary of what he does and when.

rockinmomma · 10-02-2009, 02:27 PM

Follow the order. Have the children at the pick up location at the set time. If he is not there within 15 minutes, then leave. Don't make a big deal about it to the kids.... they are his children and will feel it is their fault he doesn't show and don't need to feel guiltier for wasting your time. One thing you have to realize is you cannot make him do anything. If he wants his parenting time, he will take it, if he wants to skip it, he'll skip it. It is your responsibility to have the children available to him during his parenting time. By all means, keep a journal. It may help if one day he decides he wants more parenting time.

1984vt · 10-02-2009, 02:39 PM

Everyone has given great suggestions.

I would add: Is it possible for you to drop off the children, then you are not on his schedule. Say, I will be at your house by such and such time and then, if he isn't there you do not have to wait around. Just a thought.

tammie2 · 10-02-2009, 04:41 PM

My father did the same thing. In the beginning under the temp orders, my mother had a wonderful plan. If my father was supposed to arrive at 1, by 1:30 we would leave to lessen the impact on me. It didn't make my father a better parent, but did make me a happier child. It doesn't have to be anyplace special, it can be the grandparents, the park, dinner, whatever, just something to make sure the kids don't feel abandoned and get caught up in your fight.

After the temp orders, my mother took the road you are contimplating, it made me resentful and always wonder what if. I know this is the easy way for you, but I would advise against it.

Good luck.

malamute · 10-03-2009, 08:34 AM

A good strategy also would be to tell the kids when dad is late that he was probably busy with something, help them learn that some people aren't too into "time" or following a clock, but will show up when he shows up. They probably have little quality time with their dad and it's best for the father-chld relationship if you keep it positive.