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Just because a kid doesn't socialize a lot doesn't indicate they are unhappy. I always have been and still am a more 'anti-hang out with friends person'. I was popular and even dated a whole lot. But I didn't like doing the girlfriend sleep over group thing and doing stuff with them after school all the time.
Even now, I prefer hanging out with my online friends because I can turn off the computer and be alone if I choose to be....which is a lot of the time. I'm not unhappy at all...it is just my personality.
So maybe give her time and if she is happy....let it go. My mom was a teacher and always tried to get me to join clubs. I really just didn't want to. I have no idea why. Again, I wasn't shy or insecure or any of those things, I just like my own time. I even enjoy being single now and wouldn't consider marrying again.
Just because a kid doesn't socialize a lot doesn't indicate they are unhappy. I always have been and still am a more 'anti-hang out with friends person'. I was popular and even dated a whole lot. But I didn't like doing the girlfriend sleep over group thing and doing stuff with them after school all the time.
Even now, I prefer hanging out with my online friends because I can turn off the computer and be alone if I choose to be....which is a lot of the time. I'm not unhappy at all...it is just my personality.
So maybe give her time and if she is happy....let it go. My mom was a teacher and always tried to get me to join clubs. I really just didn't want to. I have no idea why. Again, I wasn't shy or insecure or any of those things, I just like my own time. I even enjoy being single now and wouldn't consider marrying again.
That's very true. Some kids are natural loners and the parent can be the one putting too much importance on being social.
One of my kids had no friends at all until he was 15 and then only a few friends at school which were just friends to go to a few football game with.
When he was 12, he commented that he had no friends but I asked if it that bothered him, he thought for a moment, said no and walked off. He was the kind that was happy immersed in his own projects, teachers would say other kids liked him, he was friendly and happy, not picked on - but clearly a loner.
Some people are extremely group oriented and have to be surrounded with many people, others are happier with a few close friends and others are pretty much loners, able to socialize when they must but happier alone. In the same family you can have one child that has dozens of friends and prefers to run with a large crowd and then the next is very independent of people.
I think she needs to feel really good about herself and that will draw people to her. I would take her to the mall do something special like a manicure maybe some new clothes or a new hairstyle just something that will raise her self-esteem and make her smile. She will then radiate a more positive attitude that will draw people to her.
thank you all so much for the wonderful advise!! this forum is great!! Each one of you had me look at our situation from differnt angles. My daughter actually went out with a different group of girls I never heard her talk about before last weekend and had a blast! I was so happy for her. She mentioned that those girls have been friends for a long time and was surprised that she was asked to be involved in their plans. Hopefully a new friendship is budding that will be great!
I hate to say it, but I was. Somehow the social skills that most kids seemed to have acquired were lost to me. I would get nervous, clam up, or just say strange things to people. Now, well into adulthood, thinking back to some of those elementary/middle school days (high school got a little better for me) makes me feel awful....still!
But, you know what? I found another "loser" like myself, and married him. We now secretly kind of laugh at the petty things that people do... and we enjoy our lives together. I'm never going to be a social butterfly, and in fact--the most social interaction I get besides my husband is online, from doing things like this.
Don't worry about your daughter, she'll find her way. She just might take the road less traveled in getting there.
She sits at home and tells me how much of a dork and loser she is b/c no one likes her.
Your daughter isn't suffering from a lack of friends, so much as a lack of self-esteem.
She cannot look to others' reaction to her presence, to validate herself. She needs to grow her own self-esteem, volunteer, get into dancing, classes, help others. Show her that it isn't what others think of her that matters; it's what she thinks of herself.
The entire student body could like her, but if you do not have a solid core of self-esteem, you are always at their mercy.
Help her find her passion in life. Things that she is interested in, things that make her happy....painting, drawing, helping animals....show her, by example, that you are going to "be you," come hell or high water, and how you feel it not dependent upon how others perceive you.
It is difficult for kids this age, to understand what self-esteem is, and how to acquire it. The best way, is to model it, yourself. Be an example.
It's a gross age. When I was that age, I had a few close girl friends, but other than that, I focused more on friendships with boys, because they were less ridiculous and catty (and usually starting to be happy at that point for any female attention). The close female friendships came later as the girls grew up and started not being headcases.
I was like your daughter in that I never, ever, ever, ever would have imagined insinuating myself into a social group, or hinting for invites to things. If people didn't want to invite me, I didn't want to be invited. I also was just as happy (if not happier) to be on my own and/or hanging out with my family. I was and am a homebody. I'd go if invited, but I wasn't going to sit around and cry about it if I wasn't. It sounds like your daughter's much more upset over not being a part of certain things than I was, and that makes a big difference. For a kid who's okay with being a loner from time to time, it's not that big a deal. But for a kid who desperately wants to be accepted into various circles, it's a tough road. Maybe activities that foster more independence would help? Not sure. Being OKAY with being on your own is an important part of self-esteem.
I was the exact same way at that age. It's hard, I know. Kids liked me, but I wasn't an ''all about me'' kind of girl, so it found it hard to fit into a group of friends. That's not to say all middle school girls are all about themselves. There are plenty nice ones out there. Make sure your daughter stays in plenty of extra curricular activities (doesn't have to be sports). My daughter (who sounds a little like your daughter) always focuses on becoming good friends with one person at a time, during sports (she has some good friends, but none of them are into sports) since that's when she feels uncomfortable. She doesn't try to become friends with the snotty girl, but makes sure she's being especially nice to one girl and talking to her a lot. Hopefully if she gains a few friends on the soccer team, she'll be more apt to be social in the big team setting.
Good for your daughter for having fun with that group of friends!! I'm happy for her!
It really only takes ONE friend to turn things around. Maybe she can befriend someone who is shy or isn't part of a big group?
Both of my kids went thru this kind of thing. My son did when he was in middle school. He spent his free time with his grandparents or online with his gaming guild. When he got to high school he started out slowley but by sophmore year had a huge social life. Seriously, it came out of nowhere...girlfriend included.
My daughter was ALWAYS social and it was ALWAYS getting her into trouble of some sorts (girls!!). she de-friended herself by choice during highschool and that was hard on her, but she had become a scapegoat of sorts and once you get a particular "rep" within your own social group it's hard to shake it no matter what you do because the other kids won't allow it. She got an afterschool job and was mostly just around people outside of her school. College was a different story, a little maturity and change of scenery went a long way to helping her become social again.
my daughter was the same way, and that is okay. She is introverted, and not social. She has acquiantances that she talks to at school, eats lunch by herself usually in the school library, sometimes with friends. She is very quiet, and not outgoing. I decided to accept her for who she is, and did not pressure her regarding her lack of friends. I did suggest that she join some clubs at school, and talked with the school counselor on classes that would encourage more socialization, without my daughter's knowledge, the school counselor did suggest two classes, drama and ROTC. Both of those classes had more extra cirricular activities, and I switched her to those classes, she did have more outside activities. I also spent time with her, taking her to red cross classes to do volunteer work, which my daughter enjoyed very much. There is a league, national charity league, that is for teenagers and moms to do volunteer work together with other teenage girls and moms, and my daughter met some girls there as well.
I would not worry about it, unless your daughter is very unhappy. If she is unhappy, than talk to the school counselor about it, and maybe that person will have some suggestions.
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