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Old 10-12-2009, 03:55 PM
 
2 posts, read 14,421 times
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My daughter is 13 and particiaptes in sports for the township as well as the school. she has many friends at school but noone ever calls her to hang out nor does she call them to hang out. She sits at home and tells me how much of a dork and loser she is b/c no one likes her. I told her to post on her myspace page 'hey what's everyone doing? anyone wanna hang" no one answered. I assume that made her feel worse than ever. she is upset that everyone has a group they are going trick or treating with and no one asked her to go. I told her to ask if they would mind her going but she wont do it. She feels left out. I am not sure why the other kids don't like her or dont want to hang out with her. She is nice, funny, smart, athletic, and caring I just don't get it. How can I help her make friends?
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:01 PM
 
Location: Denver area
17,039 posts, read 12,219,469 times
Reputation: 19271
Middle school girls are the worst. They tend to be either very judgemental and snotty or very unsure of themselves. Or both. Has this gone on for a long time? Wonder if she initiates a get together (movie or whatever) would anyone go? It could be that just no one thinks to invite her.....Many kids this age think that everyone is getting invited to stuff except them not realizing that the inviting thing needs to go both ways. If you are truly concerned about her social skills/school life, you might try asking her teachers - they may have a more objective view about things than either you or your daughter.
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:07 PM
 
Location: Memphis, Tn ~ U.S.A.
1,256 posts, read 2,367,382 times
Reputation: 578
Honestly, She's probally better off. "Freinds" can lead to alot of trouble. I certainally wouldn't advize her to seek "Freinds" to meet up in person.

Join a Church. Do Youth Volunteer. But Never advertise "Freinds for my Teenage Daughter" on the internet
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:09 PM
 
Location: Denver area
17,039 posts, read 12,219,469 times
Reputation: 19271
Quote:
Originally Posted by (901) View Post
Honestly, She's probally better off. "Freinds" can lead to alot of trouble. I certainally wouldn't advize her to seek "Freinds" to meet up in person.

Join a Church. Do Youth Volunteer. But Never advertise "Freinds for my Teenage Daughter" on the internet
Where on earth did you get that idea??? The OP wasn't advertising for friends, she was asking a question on a Parenting forum out of concern....BIG difference! Geez.
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Derby, KS
3,832 posts, read 7,942,884 times
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Nice, funny, smart, athletic, and caring are all nice qualities. But you're leaving one thing out and I think you know what it is and why she may not get the calls.

First off. Kids...especially when they get to THAT age...are mean. I can't stand the way they act. I was that age and I couldn't stand it then either. It's the age when kids who have been friends since kindergarten seem to split and go separate ways because they realize how different their interests are.

It also seems to be the age all about 'ME'.....'ME, ME, ME'. 'What' gives 'ME' the best image? 'Who' should 'I' hang out with to make 'ME' look cool?

The answer is they want to hang out with attractive and cool people.

Your daughter is likely all the qualities you describe....but would you say she's like Mylie Cyrus...or like the young Brittany Spears (pre-KFed and kids)?

It sucks...but it's true.
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:12 PM
 
10,100 posts, read 11,328,833 times
Reputation: 9182
Quote:
Originally Posted by (901) View Post
Honestly, She's probally better off. "Freinds" can lead to alot of trouble. I certainally wouldn't advize her to seek "Freinds" to meet up in person.

Join a Church. Do Youth Volunteer. But Never advertise "Freinds for my Teenage Daughter" on the internet
I don't think the OP was seeking friends for her daughter on the internet. I think she wanted ideas on how to get her daughter involved with more of the people she knows irl.

Is it possible to invite someone she is friendly with from sports to hang out for a while after a game? Or to join your family for a snack after the game? One invitation can go a long way in securing other invitations. My 13 year old son has lots of friends but they don't go out all that much at his age (8th grade).

Maybe she should ask someone to trick or treat with her.
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:18 PM
 
2,486 posts, read 6,066,906 times
Reputation: 1838
Quote:
Originally Posted by drjones96 View Post
Nice, funny, smart, athletic, and caring are all nice qualities. But you're leaving one thing out and I think you know what it is and why she may not get the calls.

First off. Kids...especially when they get to THAT age...are mean. I can't stand the way they act. I was that age and I couldn't stand it then either. It's the age when kids who have been friends since kindergarten seem to split and go separate ways because they realize how different their interests are.

It also seems to be the age all about 'ME'.....'ME, ME, ME'. 'What' gives 'ME' the best image? 'Who' should 'I' hang out with to make 'ME' look cool?

The answer is they want to hang out with attractive and cool people.

Your daughter is likely all the qualities you describe....but would you say she's like Mylie Cyrus...or like the young Brittany Spears (pre-KFed and kids)?

It sucks...but it's true.
Its a hard pill to swallow but there's truth in this post.
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:22 PM
 
Location: Denver area
17,039 posts, read 12,219,469 times
Reputation: 19271
There is truth to it.....but there is also truth in that not EVERY middle school kid falls into this catagory and yet they seem to have friends too.....There are "strata" to middle school cliques for sure but there is usually a "layer" for everyone. FWIW.....those "upper" strata girls are probably not who you want your kid hanging out with anyway....
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Chicago, IL
9,000 posts, read 8,846,992 times
Reputation: 3454
As much as I'd hate to encourage church...have you thought about a church that has a teen group?

If she's outgoing and such, I am sure she can make friends.

Another idea is volunteering.

I didn't have a LOT of friends in middle school or high school, I sort of kept to myself. I'd go through spurts where I'd hang out with people on the weekends or after school but I'm pretty introverted and I don't mind spending time by myself.

Middle school is a hard time for kids. The best thing you can do is try to spend time with her and tell her not to look for outside validation. My mom and I did a lot of things together during middle school and we still have a great relationship today.

I wish you the best of luck!
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:30 PM
 
749 posts, read 1,079,838 times
Reputation: 916
Quote:
Originally Posted by sjd33 View Post
My daughter is 13 and particiaptes in sports for the township as well as the school. she has many friends at school but noone ever calls her to hang out nor does she call them to hang out. She sits at home and tells me how much of a dork and loser she is b/c no one likes her. I told her to post on her myspace page 'hey what's everyone doing? anyone wanna hang" no one answered. I assume that made her feel worse than ever. she is upset that everyone has a group they are going trick or treating with and no one asked her to go. I told her to ask if they would mind her going but she wont do it. She feels left out. I am not sure why the other kids don't like her or dont want to hang out with her. She is nice, funny, smart, athletic, and caring I just don't get it. How can I help her make friends?

This sounds exactly my DS (11). Except he has one friend that he hangs out with a lot because he lives a couple houses down. But he will not talk to people he waits for them to talk to him. He is just too shy and thinks people will think he's stupid if he asks them to hang out and they don't want to. It could be a perfectly legitmate reason they can't hang out but he would feel stupid for asking. It got very bad around 4th grade but when we realized the problem we started talking to him and trying to reason with him that most kids feel the same way he does but they take the chance to make friends and he should too. It seems to have helped a little bit but we keep working on it so he doesn't lose the drive to meet new people.


Keep her in all the extra-cirriculars that you have her in and maybe plan a special outing if she can find a friend to go with her. It will give her a little incentive to be proactive and talk to people if she knows there is a special day waiting if she can put her fears aside for a moment. Hopefully if she can do that she will see it's not as hard as she thought it would be.

Good luck, I know it is hard to hear them put themselves down and hear them say they are stupid, and dorky and no one likes them. Hopefully your DD's case is like mine and it's more in their head rather than real.
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