What would you do? Teenage daughter (method, punishment, teenager, parents)

[jb03]

Hi, I'm a single father with 3 kids, a daughter, 15, and two younger sons. Recently my daughter's been hanging out with a new group of kids (which she's been a bit deceptive about) - because of a boy...Last weekend she was out with these kids (after lying to me about where she was going) in a car (haven't met this teenage driver before either) and were pulled over by police (because the driver was doing a few stupid things). The police say that the kids threw something out the window once the police lights came on. The kids say that didn't happen. The police didn't find anything along the street. My daughter swears she has no idea what that is all about (although she won't look at me and tell me that). Anyway, they were pulled over, the police got them all out of the car (because of the throwing), in the back seat, where my daughter had been sitting, the kids had stuffed a couple of bottles of alcohol behind their backs. So they were taken down to the police station, I went in to pick her up. My daughter was just given a verbal warning because she's never been in trouble before...she's usually a good kid, she does well at school.

I'm....really really disappointed in her (to put it lightly). And upset. I usually have a really good relationship with her, we talk openly about things (alcohol and drugs etc). She has her other friends around the house all the time and I know them well. She obviously knew that I wouldn't really be happy about these new kids - and I guess decided that deception was the way to go. I've met this boy a couple of times and...was not really impressed by him.

This hasn't been a great week between us. I've tried hard to stick to talking it over with her instead of yelling (Even though I really felt like yelling...). She's grounded for a (long) while. I told her that I'd had a lot of trust in her, that I thought I'd been getting the truth about where she was going and what she was doing. And it's going to take some time to fix that. And I told her that she put herself into a dangerous situation (and that scares the $#*& out of me) and that the consequences of that could have been much worse.

I think that she knows that she made a bad mistake. That she made a whole series of bad decisions. One of the police officers told me that she really didn't want dad called. She did not want to look me in the eye when I got there. I was really taken by surprise to find the police on the phone, like I said she's a good kid, I don't have many problems with her.

I'm a bit lost though. I'd like to straight out tell her that I don't want her hanging around these kids. I'd also like to straight out ask her if they threw pot or something out the window. But I don't want to overact and increase the likelihood of her trying to hide things. And, being a teenager she likes independence and I think she needs to make these friend choices herself, I don't want to be outright controlling...if you know what I mean.

What would you do if you had this happen with your child, what would you do about the new friends?

[scarmig]

I would tell her that if she feels she is old enough to hang out with these people and do the things they are doing, she is old enough to bear the consequences of her actions. Then I would have her list the consequences, so that you know she is aware of them. If she isn't aware of them all, help her finish the list (Socratic method!).

This gives her power to make the decision, and no possible way to deny the possible consequences, and it keeps you out of the role of being the bad guy judge.

You want her to make the right decision, but it still needs to be *her* decision.

As for the new friends... I would have a private talk, very similar, but with the inclusion of how it would rest on them if something happened to their friends because of their actions.

[asonnier]

You said in your post that you were "not impressed with the boy". I have a 17 year old daughter and if I am not impressed with someone that she hangs out with that I won't let her hang out with him. You can tell a lot about a teenage boy by talking to him. If your radar goes up when meeting him and talking to him, then he probably is not someone that you want hanging around your daughter. In my opinion she is too young to be hanging around in a car with someone that drives anyway.

I would rather be to controlling rather than to permissive!

[kaykay]

Hard to say. I know if you outright forbid it, then sometimes they will just "sneak" and do it. That said, we did have a period of time with our son when we flat forbade him to hang out with certain kids. I told him he could see them at school, but he was not allowed to go their house anymore, nor them to come to ours. This decision worked for us and proved very fruitful. But...he was was only 13-14 and not driving yet. So his whereabouts were a lot easier to control.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by scarmig

I would tell her that if she feels she is old enough to hang out with these people and do the things they are doing, she is old enough to bear the consequences of her actions. Then I would have her list the consequences, so that you know she is aware of them. If she isn't aware of them all, help her finish the list (Socratic method!).

This gives her power to make the decision, and no possible way to deny the possible consequences, and it keeps you out of the role of being the bad guy judge.

You want her to make the right decision, but it still needs to be *her* decision.

As for the new friends... I would have a private talk, very similar, but with the inclusion of how it would rest on them if something happened to their friends because of their actions.

At 15?? She's not old enough for anything at age 15, and even getting caught with drugs in the same vehicle can create problems even if the kid isn't using.

No -- a young child of 15 is not old enough yet to make his/her own decisions, and the parent is still responsible - just like the parent is responsible for feeding, housing and clothing the child.

I think the OP is doing the right thing by grounding her and laying down the law and letting her know he's very disappointed in her. When a kid has to deceive and lie to a parent, he/she knows he/she is doing wrong.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by jb03

What would you do if you had this happen with your child, what would you do about the new friends?

Well -- parenting isn't 100% easy with 100% of kids. A good kid can start getting into trouble and peer pressure is a big problem. Bad friends are usually what leads good kids astray. Your daughter needs to understand there are plenty of people out there and the kids she's in with now are not the kind she should hang around.

Grounding and a harsh talking to will be the least of her problems if she doesn't straighten up and find better people to hang around - and the drug laws in some states are still harsh enough that a kid can be arrested for drugs just by being in the same car or apartment with drugs around. Druggie friends will usually claim that the drugs aren't theirs and let the chump take the blame too - these aren't good people for her.

[scarmig]

Originally Posted by malamute

At 15?? She's not old enough for anything at age 15, and even getting caught with drugs in the same vehicle can create problems even if the kid isn't using.

No -- a young child of 15 is not old enough yet to make his/her own decisions,

Maybe, maybe not. It sounds to me as though she *did* make those decisions. So while we as parents may prefer that our children not make these decisions, they are making them anyway. We can either be an aid, or an obstacle to the teen making a good decision.

and the parent is still responsible - just like the parent is responsible for feeding, housing and clothing the child.

If, at 15, you are still putting food into your child's mouth, cooking the food for them all the time, and dressing them, I suggest you may be coddling them too much. How can you possible expect them to make decisions regarding dangerous friendships, drugs, and careers if you haven't even taught them to be responsible for their own food and clothing?

I think the OP is doing the right thing by grounding her and laying down the law and letting her know he's very disappointed in her. When a kid has to deceive and lie to a parent, he/she knows he/she is doing wrong.

Maybe so. I don't know the teen, don't know her temperament, and don't know how the parents have raised her. But "laying down the law" can backfire on many kids. At this age, they see that as a challenge. After all, it is very easy to break those laid down laws.

And of course the teen knows they are doing wrong. They are beginning to make decisions for themselves independent of Mommy and Daddy. If they don't have the freedom to make decisions that satisfy that independent need, they'll take it, against the rules, and that often means making *bad* decisions. They want to take some risks, they want to make big decisions for themselves. And they need to. They have to learn how to do that, and the teen years at the last chance many parents have to offer guidance during that learning process.

Look at it this way: If the child isn't empowered to make a decision, how can they make the right one?

[Granny Sue]

As a former 15 year old girl I'll tell you this.

The quickest way to make me want to do something was forbid me to do it.
Half the things I did as a teen I did because it was forbidden fruit.

My parents found the if they told me "I'd rather you didn't" or "I'd be disappointed if you did." that worked much better than telling me I couldn't.

It sounds like you're on the right path. She didn't want you called because she didn't want you disappointed in her. Sorry, but I say...play up that angle.

Reputation is also important to teen girls. Ask her if this is the reputation she wants. Even if she doesn't partake, her peers will think she does.

The worse punishment my mother ever gave me was the night she caught me drinking. She didn't yell or ground me....that evil woman cried. Not fair!
Kids really do care what their parents think about them.

Good luck!

[aidxen]

Take a strong firm line and if she crosses it then punish her.

I would say that if you have not met and approved the driver then she should not be a passenger.

[Momma_bear]

Originally Posted by jb03

Hi, I'm a single father with 3 kids, a daughter, 15, and two younger sons. Recently my daughter's been hanging out with a new group of kids (which she's been a bit deceptive about) - because of a boy...Last weekend she was out with these kids (after lying to me about where she was going) in a car (haven't met this teenage driver before either) and were pulled over by police (because the driver was doing a few stupid things). The police say that the kids threw something out the window once the police lights came on. The kids say that didn't happen. The police didn't find anything along the street. My daughter swears she has no idea what that is all about (although she won't look at me and tell me that). Anyway, they were pulled over, the police got them all out of the car (because of the throwing), in the back seat, where my daughter had been sitting, the kids had stuffed a couple of bottles of alcohol behind their backs. So they were taken down to the police station, I went in to pick her up. My daughter was just given a verbal warning because she's never been in trouble before...she's usually a good kid, she does well at school.

I'm....really really disappointed in her (to put it lightly). And upset. I usually have a really good relationship with her, we talk openly about things (alcohol and drugs etc). She has her other friends around the house all the time and I know them well. She obviously knew that I wouldn't really be happy about these new kids - and I guess decided that deception was the way to go. I've met this boy a couple of times and...was not really impressed by him.

This hasn't been a great week between us. I've tried hard to stick to talking it over with her instead of yelling (Even though I really felt like yelling...). She's grounded for a (long) while. I told her that I'd had a lot of trust in her, that I thought I'd been getting the truth about where she was going and what she was doing. And it's going to take some time to fix that. And I told her that she put herself into a dangerous situation (and that scares the $#*& out of me) and that the consequences of that could have been much worse.

I think that she knows that she made a bad mistake. That she made a whole series of bad decisions. One of the police officers told me that she really didn't want dad called. She did not want to look me in the eye when I got there. I was really taken by surprise to find the police on the phone, like I said she's a good kid, I don't have many problems with her.

I'm a bit lost though. I'd like to straight out tell her that I don't want her hanging around these kids. I'd also like to straight out ask her if they threw pot or something out the window. But I don't want to overact and increase the likelihood of her trying to hide things. And, being a teenager she likes independence and I think she needs to make these friend choices herself, I don't want to be outright controlling...if you know what I mean.

What would you do if you had this happen with your child, what would you do about the new friends?

I would make sure that she is supervised at all times so that she does not have an opportunity to hang out with these kids. If it is impossible to supervise her directly after school because you are at work you need to tell her that you will be calling home at random times in the afternoon and there were be repercussions for her if she does not answer the phone. Do not call her cell phone.

Tell her that she will go only place you drive her and that if she wants to go to someone's house you will drive her there, meet the adult that will be at home, and you will pick her up.

If she goes to the movies drop her off with enough money to see the movie she wants and pick her up immediately afterwards.

Tell her that her friends are welcome at your house whenever you are there and they are not welcome there when you are not there.