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Old 05-08-2007, 09:41 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 2,380,647 times
Reputation: 685

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Your son bought porn at school and downloaded it from the internet???

Firstly let me say that I moniter VERY closely what my daughter does on the computer...I have babysitting software that does not allow her to access this kind of content...I have to say that I would go off on parents if their child was selling that kind of thing in the school, my first stop would be the principals office, my second the other kids parents...

My daughter is only 10, I am NOT looking forward to the upcoming years...
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Old 05-08-2007, 11:23 PM
 
Location: Vancouver, Canada
550 posts, read 2,542,533 times
Reputation: 524
Wow, those are some great responses.

KittensPurr - Great point. I wouldn't let him keep it if it were alcohol or cigarettes. I certainly don't want to be known as the 'provider of porn mom'. That would be a nightmare. I am leaning quite far towards recycle!

jco - I do want to keep the relationship open with him for both our benefits. I hope he would still trust me that I am making the right decision by not giving him any if that is what I decide. To answer your concern, no, I would not give him one just to make him stay close to me. Our mother/son relationship is much stronger than him being mad at me for a while. Thanks for pointing that out so I could clarify what I meant!

LfromD - He bought a photo copy page in middle school last year and was given a magazine and printed material from the internet in highschool. When I found them I had to take them away and talk with him about why I didn't want him to have them due to the sick nature of them.
As for our home internet, we have a great child lock, always have. It makes me so angry that we do what we can to keep the bad things on the internet out of our home and then some other family can't be bothered to do that and my son is exposed to it anyway. It isn't fare and there should be a law against having an unlocked computer with children and teens.

I am starting to wonder why I even thought of letting him have a few! He isn't old enough even though it feels like he is. He is so mature for his age it is very deceiving.

Thanks so much for all the opinions
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Old 05-08-2007, 11:30 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 2,380,647 times
Reputation: 685
It upsets me as well when parents don't watch what their children are doing not only because of their children but because of what they teach the other children around them.

I am completely prepared to be disliked for things like this but thats too bad...I would rather her friends think I am NUTS and be affraid of upsetting me and finding me on their parents doorstep...

I'm not saying that kids don't have questions and curiosities about sex however I don't believe porn is the way to answer those questions...

For myself, I have never been MORE turned off then by a man who uses porn as his way of learning to be with a woman, I don't know if they do this on purpose or if its a natural result of looking at porn.
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Old 05-09-2007, 01:21 AM
 
Location: Vancouver, Canada
550 posts, read 2,542,533 times
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"It upsets me as well when parents don't watch what their children are doing not only because of their children but because of what they teach the other children around them."

Its almost like the lack of parenting around computers is making our kids grow up way too fast. When I was young the worst you would see or hear is if a kid brought a dirty magazine or comic to school.

I watch what my son does on the computer and am appalled at how many kids on Nexopia have such inappropriate spaces. Teen girls wearing very little and teen boys with gangster poses, weapons and alcohol. Pictures of them or friends getting drunk. Where are the parents??? (My son has to show me his page any time I ask so I can edit.)

The kids wind up getting bad reputations at school because they made a wrong decision when posting things.
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Old 05-09-2007, 07:40 AM
 
Location: Chattanooga TN
2,349 posts, read 9,499,661 times
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"Pornography fosters a demeaning attitude towards women by depicting females as insatiable playthings, an attitude that has been correlated with incidents of sexual abuse and rape. Pornography also creates the expectation in teenage males that women's bodies should look like the air-brushed and surgically enhanced versions in the movies, an expectation that can lead to condemnation and rejection of girls fighting this impossible standard. The act of sex itself through pornography is dehumanized and desensitized, and teens may have a hard time discovering real intimacy when raised on this dysfunctional and destructive model."

I have known a person who was addicted to porn and find the above paragraph to be so true. This began in his teenage years and continued into his adulthood. It all started w/his father's magazines and went from there. The addiction is like any other, it alienates and ruins lives. To this day this man is unable to maintain a healthy and loving relationship. As a matter of fact this addiction has ruined his work and personal life yet he is in complete denial. Just like any other addict. Porn is a strong and dangerous drug for some. Not to say your son has an addictive personality but if I were you, I would not take the chance.
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Old 05-09-2007, 08:48 AM
 
62 posts, read 215,106 times
Reputation: 63
Okay - My two cents:
I agree that kids these days are growing up "way too fast" in terms of
what they're being exposed to on a daily basis in our incredibly media-
saturated society.
I'd be surprised if a child in their mid to late teens weren't exposed
to pornography at some point in their informative years, as statistics
suggest that the great majority are . . . through magazines, internet, video/DVD etc.
Unfortunately, the ease with which this type of material is
available has somewhat normalized/mainstreamed it and
"desensitized" people to the subject matter and it's potential harm.

That being said, I believe parents can still play a huge role
in tempering kids' attitudes and thinking, through educating and teaching,
by words and by example . . . .
You say you're "crossing your fingers" that your son won't have sex yet at his young age; have you talked to him about sexual choices and STDs and birth control and so forth?
IMO, the magazines, should you choose to let him keep them, will only
"fuel the fire" - but do little in terms of imparting important information
to him. It's completely normal for young teens to have sexual thoughts
and fantasies but allowing pornography is not the way. Instead,
keep the dialogue open . . . you could use his magazine stash as an
opportunity to bring his attention to how the young women in them
are objectified, and how demeaning that is. And what a skewed
perception of reality the airbrushed photos present!
. . . Human sexuality is real and natural, beautiful, glorious, intimate - blemishes, imperfect bodies and all.

Tell him it's natural to admire girls and women - that he knows or simply sees
walking down the street . . . to imagine how they'd look naked, to fantasize about sex and talk about it with his friends . . . but always to remember that
girls and women are first and foremost people, with thoughts, ideas and
opinions, to be treated with respect.
Although it may be far from desirable at 15 or 16 or 17, perhaps
(and believe me, I'm not advocating it or saying you should encourage
it - just those statistics again, in terms of sexually active teens)
inexperienced but mutual/consensual sexual fumbling - not necessarily intercourse - with a girlfriend (assuming she's at least the same age)
as your son - and she - explore their emerging desires and feelings of sexuality might be the most "real" and natural way to let nature take it's course.

Whatever you decide, good luck to you!
In a few years, I'll probably be going through the same stuff
with my oldest child!
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Old 05-09-2007, 09:02 AM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,925,871 times
Reputation: 21277
Well, I agree with all the previous advice-THROW THEM OUT!!! No, this is certainly something that regrettably does tend to come up with teen-age boys, and like someone else mentioned a lot of it out there today is a lot more horrible and graphic than the "Playboy" nudes of yesteryear.
I wouldn't make too big a deal about it, but again, GET RID OF THEM! He may not like it, but I think he will understand why you did. And this is a cliche, I know, but kids really do expect and need for us to set boundaries for them...even if they are mad for a little while. This was one of the toughest parts of raising a teen-ager I think!
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Old 05-09-2007, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Vancouver, Canada
550 posts, read 2,542,533 times
Reputation: 524
You say you're "crossing your fingers" that your son won't have sex yet at his young age; have you talked to him about sexual choices and STDs and birth control and so forth?"

Yes we have talked about all of that. He and his girlfriend have talked about it as well and for the moment they both agree that they are not ready. I am constantly surprised at how mature they are about it. Maybe that is why I was considering letting him have a few of the magazines, he really does seem so much older than 14!

So, I think I will sit him down tonight and tell him why my answer has to be no. There are so many good points on here that it shows me there really is no other answer.

Thank you again for helping me reach this decision!
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Old 05-10-2007, 01:46 PM
 
548 posts, read 2,394,120 times
Reputation: 356
I would throw it out. How bizaare would it be for him, when he is 30 and married, to look back and think about how his mother OK'd his porn, knowing full well what he was doing with it. Creepy!

Plus, if it's not something you're ok with your son going to his friends' mom's house and saying "my mom lets me have porn" then you shouldn't do it. He WILL tell his friends. Some of them will tell their parents. Some of them probably wouldnt even let their child go to your house anymore...I mean, if you're OK w/porn, what else are you ok with, they might wonder...

Be a parent first and a friend second. Sometimes that means making decisions your son won't like.
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Old 05-10-2007, 01:48 PM
 
548 posts, read 2,394,120 times
Reputation: 356
btw, I really think anyone who thinks they are in the loop with their teens' sex decisions are fooling themselves. They may well be having sex, but know better than to tell you. Or not. Just make sure they know about contraception in case you're wrong.
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