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It seems I'm having an interesting couple of months. Now my 19 year old son who has seizures (since he was 12) and is currently taking medicine for it is starting to have petit-mal type of seizures during the day. In the past he has ALWAYS had seizures like this BECAUSE HE FAILS TO TAKE HIS MEDS LIKE HE IS SUPPOSED TO. However this time when he took a blood test to check the levels of meds in his system they were within the therapeutic range (basically the tests say he had enough medicine in his system to indicate he has been taking them), however based on his past history I didn't buy it and I questioned him about why he was still seizing. My wife felt I was picking on him and I was not showing him compassion due to his condition and that I needed to be more empathetic toward him. I tried to explain to her that the conversation was between my son and I, and that I have a right to my own opinion, and that she should stay out of it. (It meaning the conversation between my 19 YEAR OLD SON AND MYSELF) My wife then accuses me of being a bully to wards our son, and BETRAYING HER because I don't believe him, and blame him for his problems, and therefore I have not shown adequate support in his treatment. My wife is an R.N. by the way, so its not like she has no resources available to help my son, but I also feel that my son needs to be more proactive in his treatment (silly me). I reminded her that when I was his age I was paying MY OWN health insurance (monthly out of pocket), and that I pretty much had my future career picked out and set up for me to go into by the time I turned 20. I said I haven't set the bar high, so all I'm expecting from my son is to be a little more proactive on his part. His current part time job (without benefits) IMO does not cut it, and as far as education he is now paying for his own one class @ a time (due to him FAILING A FULL YEAR OF COURSES WE PAID FOR). Don't get me wrong I get that he has seizures and the limitations that come with them, but thats the hand he has been dealt. To make things worse because of our difference of opinion my wife has a new found (BS) reason not to be intimate with me. This stuff is really ticking me off, and lucky for me my therapy appt is tomorrow. Any thoughts? Am I being unrealistic, or is this the way things go now in this brave new world?
Differences in child-rearing is one of the big reasons for marital discord. I think your tough love approach is fine, even given the circumstances. Expecting a 19 yr to be self-reliant is not outrageous but it's obvious your wife's expectations for your son are different. It sounds to me as though she also needs to be in therapy. I think her mother's protective instincts are working overtime (and probably have for a long time) and your son is taking advantage of that.
However, there ARE 2 sides to every story so I'll not condemn her. Tough love practiced by one only alienates the lovee from the tough lover; and makes the enabler closer. For tough love to work, it has to be practiced by a unified couple. Good luck with therapy.
It seems I'm having an interesting couple of months. Now my 19 year old son who has seizures (since he was 12) and is currently taking medicine for it is starting to have petit-mal type of seizures during the day. In the past he has ALWAYS had seizures like this BECAUSE HE FAILS TO TAKE HIS MEDS LIKE HE IS SUPPOSED TO. However this time when he took a blood test to check the levels of meds in his system they were within the therapeutic range (basically the tests say he had enough medicine in his system to indicate he has been taking them), however based on his past history I didn't buy it and I questioned him about why he was still seizing.
So a medical blood test isn't enough proof for you? What do you want, 24 hour surveillance on him to prove he's taking it? What is your reasoning for believing the blood test is wrong? Why did you not first turn to his doctor and ask why the medication is no longer working instead of disbelieving a medical test and questioning your son? Surely, the question of "why is he still seizing?" is something to ask his doctor - how on earth would a 19 year old boy know why he's still seizing even though he is clearly taking his medication?
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My wife felt I was picking on him and I was not showing him compassion due to his condition and that I needed to be more empathetic toward him. I tried to explain to her that the conversation was between my son and I, and that I have a right to my own opinion, and that she should stay out of it. (It meaning the conversation between my 19 YEAR OLD SON AND MYSELF)
Whoa! He's her son too and for that reason, she has every right to get involved if she thinks you're treating him unfairly. The fact that you are dismissing her without even taking her very valid points and opinion into consideration and trying to work out a compromise is very disturbing and suggests you have very little respect for your wife and her opinions and beliefs.
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My wife is an R.N. by the way,
All the more reason why you should take her medical opinion on the blood test into consideration. Does she trust the test? She probably has a better idea on how reliable the test is than you do. Maybe you should even talk to her about other medicals reason why the medication may not be working despite him taking it. Could he have built up an immunity? Would a change in the drug or dosage make a difference? Why are you not asking his doctor these questions too?
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so its not like she has no resources available to help my son, but I also feel that my son needs to be more proactive in his treatment (silly me).
I can understand that but when you ignore a medical test which proves he is indeed taking his medication correctly, you're going off the deep end a bit by being so hard on him!
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I reminded her that when I was his age I was paying MY OWN health insurance (monthly out of pocket),
And did you have seizures?
Look, I don't know how much seizures can effect someone's ability to function normally in society. So I can't say whether or not he should be at the same stage in life that you were at his age. But I can say four things for sure:
1. It's not fair to doubt him when a medical test proves him right. I can't say whether your frustration over the other aspects of his life are fair or not given his medical condition but on this particular issue, it was unfair to question him.
2. You can't expect someone with health problems to be paying for his own health insurance as early in life as you did. I understand you think he should be doing more with his life in general but I think on the issue of health insurance, it's not reasonable to compare him to your own life timeline.
3. Not everyone takes the same path in life or goes through life on the same timeline and there is nothing wrong with that.
4. The more you approach your son with the attitude that he's never good enough and never meets your expectations with demands to see more from him, the more he is going to withdraw from you. My dad learned pretty quickly that if he pushed my brother, my brother responded by striving to meet his expectations. But I was (still am) the complete opposite. If he pushed me to meet his standards, I withdrew and gave up. I have to do things in my own time, my own way and no one can push me into it until I'm ready (what can I say, I'm stubborn). I DO eventually get there (I didn't really start getting my life on track until I was 21 but now I'm a professional photographer) but try to push me before I'm ready and you'll only make it worse. My dad realized that he would have to completely change his approach with me and it seemed to work pretty well. Not only do I have my life in order but I also have a good relationship with my dad. On the other hand, although my brother always had his life in order in terms of education and a career, his relationship with our dad is weak, to say the least. Try to be encouraging and nurturing rather than demanding and tough and you may actually start to see him making more of an effort in life. That doesn't mean you have to be a push over and coddle him! But if he's not responding to the tough demands you're making, logically, wouldn't it to better to try a different approach?
Last edited by PA2UK; 10-22-2009 at 09:02 AM..
Reason: typos
1. You don't agree or approve how your son handles himself.
2. You acted to correct #1. But your wife disagrees on how you acted.
How often do you talk with your son? And not just about your expectations and your disapproval of his life?
3. You have your own standards; which clearly you son does not live up to.
4. You want some intimacy in your marriage, but your wife isn't mentally in the position to be intimate because of #2 (in your perspective)
How often do you talk with your wife to share your concern and ideas about your son?
5. You are feeling anger, and you have therapy soon.
Good luck. Counselling can provide good tools for you to make your life more positive.
Here's my thoughts.
a. You want to be "validated," to be heard, to be understood, to be listened to. But you don't feel that because your son and your wife do not know that is what you want.
A simple communication practice you address this.
If your son says, "I hear you father, that you say that I should be more proactive with my health."
If your son says, "I hear you father, that you say that I should be more decisive in what to do with my life."
If your wife says, "I hear you husband, that you say you want our son to be more proactive with his health."
If your wife says, "I hear you husband, that you want to be seen by me as an active and caring father to our son, so that I can be at ease and want to be more intimate with you."
b. But you can't get that validation without being able to practice "safe" communicate with them. Safe communication is talking without judgement, without anger, without demands. And an ability to listen and validate. Therefore, you can "lead" and teach them how to communicate.
You can learn these skills from your IC.
c. I have to wonder how much involved are you in helping your son learn the habit of taking his medication, or at least understand the importance of medication for his condition? I mean he has 7 years to learn that habit, and it about takes 32 consecutive re-occurrence to learn a habit.
d. My guess is there's intimacy issues all along, and your son's condition has been in the forefront of your wife's concern, putting you in the very bottom of her priorities. Now that your son is over 18, you throw in your expectation card so that you are no longer responsible for him, which should in your mind give your wife's time and attention fully to meeting your needs.
But you wife thinks otherwise, because your son will always be her son. You've probably been fighting these all this time, and whatever you've been doing--"how's that working out for ya?"
Thank you for the advice so-far. I believe there are 2 problems here. One is that my wife still sees him as a little kid, and I don't, so ready or not he has to be MUCH more independent. IMO the second problem for me is that my son is 19 and to myself (and legally) he is an adult therefore no I don't expect him to go and run to his mother when he dosen't like what I say, nor should she (continue) to get involved, and fight his battles for him, it has NOTHING to do with her. Again its not like I'm talking to a child he's an adult, and he is always welcome to go find his own way if he doesn't like it.
You're not unrealistic. Your wife is acting like a typical woman/mother who wants nothing more than to have her adult baby son be coddled. This is where mothers need to step aside and and leave it to the dad to handle the situation. YOu're trying to make your son become a man, and she's trying to keep him a baby. The witholding of sex is typical. Stupid, but typical.
Stand your ground, and tell her as soon as your son is gone, so are you if she doesn't come to her senses.
Thank you for the advice so-far. I believe there are 2 problems here. One is that my wife still sees him as a little kid, and I don't, so ready or not he has to be MUCH more independent. IMO the second problem for me is that my son is 19 and to myself (and legally) he is an adult therefore no I don't expect him to go and run to his mother when he dosen't like what I say, nor should she (continue) to get involved, and fight his battles for him, it has NOTHING to do with her. Again its not like I'm talking to a child he's an adult, and he is always welcome to go find his own way if he doesn't like it.
Seems like a double-standard to me. If he's an adult, you should be capable of having a mature conversation between two equals (assuming you consider yourself an adult). As an adult, he took meds, which didn't work, which medical tests have PROVEN to be in his system - yet you want to berate him as if he were a five year old. Now, if you are treating him like a five year old, why are you shocked that your wife is defending him? You aren't treating him like an adult - you treat him like a belligerent child who should be paying for his own health insurance. Doesn't make much sense.
By the way... parenting the way you two are handling it is a recipe for disaster. You don't present a unified front.. probably because you completely dismiss your wife's (education) opinion. You definitely won't get results that way with your son, and you act shocked that your wife won't sleep with you. I think the only person here shocked is you.
The kid has a history of not taking his meds. It's reasonable for dad to question him. He doesn't need wifey's approval to do so. And he's not dismissing his wife's education, just her her emotional need to keep this 19 year old kid a baby. She doesn't want her widdle baby feewing baaaadddd! Tough. Dad needs to handle this one, she's detrimental by catering to the kid's feeewings!
The kid has a history of not taking his meds. It's reasonable for dad to question him. He doesn't need wifey's approval to do so. And he's not dismissing his wife's education, just her her emotional need to keep this 19 year old kid a baby. She doesn't want her widdle baby feewing baaaadddd! Tough. Dad needs to handle this one, she's detrimental by catering to the kid's feeewings!
From the OP: "However this time when he took a blood test to check the levels of meds in his system they were within the therapeutic range (basically the tests say he had enough medicine in his system to indicate he has been taking them), however based on his past history I didn't buy it and I questioned him about why he was still seizing."
I take it you missed this while trying to speak in baby chatter?
Seems like a double-standard to me. If he's an adult, you should be capable of having a mature conversation between two equals (assuming you consider yourself an adult). As an adult, he took meds, which didn't work, which medical tests have PROVEN to be in his system - yet you want to berate him as if he were a five year old. Now, if you are treating him like a five year old, why are you shocked that your wife is defending him? You aren't treating him like an adult - you treat him like a belligerent child who should be paying for his own health insurance. Doesn't make much sense.
By the way... parenting the way you two are handling it is a recipe for disaster. You don't present a unified front.. probably because you completely dismiss your wife's (education) opinion. You definitely won't get results that way with your son, and you act shocked that your wife won't sleep with you. I think the only person here shocked is you.
Again parenting should be done to children under the age of 18, but I never thought I would have to discuss how to parent my adult child. I shouldn't have to parent an adult. It seems just having that mindset alone is a crime. The reason why I question him not taking his meds (even though the blood test says he is) is because it is possible to have enough medicine in your bloodstream, yet that does not answer the question if he is taking the meds at the PROPER SCHEDULED TIME. This could be the reason for the seizures (with my wife's education this known medical fact seems to escape her, but I'm the bad guy for pointing that little fact out!!) So yes I question it, and an adult should have an answer (I.E. "I'm not taking my meds at the right time like I'm supposed to") Instead my wife gives him the benefit of the doubt (even though his past history PROVES otherwise)
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