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I think it's consistency more than about being strict or lenient - if something is okay for the child to do, then it has to be okay all the time, you can't let something go or smile and think it's cute one time and then try to clamp down the next time. Also kids need to be taught some kind of values and the importance of working for a living. "Bad" to me isn't necessarily kids running around, being loud, acting bratty as little children, pulling pranks. Those kids can turn out fine.
A kid can be given all the material things and seem "spoiled" but still have been taught right from wrong and respect for others. A kid can be a bit sassy but still have respect for parents underneath. What seem like good parents aren't always - you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, often there is at least verbal abuse going on, cheating on taxes, cheating on spouse - all kinds of things that leave their imprint on the kids.
Have you ever noticed friends, acquaintances, or relatives whose young children had bad behavior patterns and the parents in question did not necessarily address those bad habits?
And if so, did you ever "predict" how the kid might turn out, i.e "one day this boy who likes to hit others is gonna hit the wrong kid and he's gonna get punched right between the teeth" or "this spoiled little princess is gonna be one hell of a brat when she's a teen?"
Did your "predictions" pan out?
I've never been a parent. But sometimes I wonder why some parents are so lenient with kids who need nothing but strict discipline.
I'm sorry, but there's a big hint right there. If you've never been a parent, then you really have no clue.
I too was a perfect parent before I had children... "My child" would never cry in the store. "My child" would go to bed when I told him to. "My child" would never talk back. "My child" would never act like an ungrateful brat. "My child" would not be allowed to cry like that in the doctor's office! Then my children came along and did all of those things and more, despite the perfect parenting techniques that I had perfected before they were even conceived.
I judge other people's kids all the time... it's one of my responsibilities as a parent.
For instance, the boys at the end of the block who live with Grandma & Grandpa seem well-mannered, but the 10 & 11 year olds delight in taunting my daughter. They used to play with her, until one hit her - I don't care what his excuse was - when an 11 year old boy hits a 7 year old girl less than half his size in the stomach, he's a bully and a coward.
His parents were horrible parents (abusive, neglectful drug addicts according to "grandma"), which is why she got custody 5 years ago. She raised their father, but obviously hasn't learned much since that disaster. Their grandmother thinks that my daughter's bossy behavior justifies her 11 year old, 120 lb boy hitting my 7 year old, 54 lb girl. Grandma, in my opinion, will deserve it when these boys start hitting HER (her own son hit her at the age of 17).
I don't say "My child won't... ". I say "My child won't do that and not have SERIOUS consequences".
I learn from those around me... the most worthless parents I know didn't have consequences for their behavior growing up... or even now, for that matter.
Have you ever noticed friends, acquaintances, or relatives whose young children had bad behavior patterns and the parents in question did not necessarily address those bad habits?
And if so, did you ever "predict" how the kid might turn out, i.e "one day this boy who likes to hit others is gonna hit the wrong kid and he's gonna get punched right between the teeth" or "this spoiled little princess is gonna be one hell of a brat when she's a teen?"
Did your "predictions" pan out?
I've never been a parent. But sometimes I wonder why some parents are so lenient with kids who need nothing but strict discipline.
I think it is too easy to say that any person does not have the capacity to change or grow. Once that judgement call is made, then those people are limited. If this is expressed to them, then they may feel that change would be a useless endeavor. Why bother?
I'm sorry, but there's a big hint right there. If you've never been a parent, then you really have no clue.
I too was a perfect parent before I had children... "My child" would never cry in the store. "My child" would go to bed when I told him to. "My child" would never talk back. "My child" would never act like an ungrateful brat. "My child" would not be allowed to cry like that in the doctor's office! Then my children came along and did all of those things and more, despite the perfect parenting techniques that I had perfected before they were even conceived.
"My perfect sweet angel" would never do those things.... I thought as I gazed down at her as she nursed when she was a baby. I just couldn't believe some people actually gave their babies KOOL-AIDE and POP!!! Of course I still can't believe that part and my baby is 16 yo. I just knew exactly how she would behave and be the part of the perfect little blond darling angel. Then she hit puberty. Dear Lord Jesus things changed fast.
One thing I have learned. If you don't have children you have no idea what it is like to have children. They will eat your lunch.
My mother said I was a horrible evil child that would be into drugs, drinking heavily, smoking, pregnant as a teen, in and out of jail. I was never close to any of those. Others looking on the outside who supported me saw that I would rebel against all the abuse I endured. That was also not the case.
I do not want to make predictions of where the children are headed but rather shake my head at where the parents are headed.
I used to be a lot more judgmental of other people's parenting before I had my own child. Now I realize that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and there is no one-size-fits-all parenting style.
Ditto. I frequently refer to my son as my "humility child." In other words, everything I thought I knew about parenting he turned on end. Each day is a new adventure for his father and me, but we wouldn't trade him for anything.
Honestly, Gypsy is correct. Kids can turn out all kinds of ways, in spite of the parenting involved. That said, some parenting (or lack thereof) is more difficult to "overcome" than others and some kids are more determined to overcome (or spite) their upbringing. I've seen plenty of kids being raised in a fashion I do not understand or agree with. Some turn out well, others turn out as I would have expected. I've also seen kids being raised in a fashion I admire (at least from what I can see as an outsider looking in)....Of these kids, some turn out poorly, others turn out as I would have expected. There are no guarantees in parenting. My personal take is that I try to raise my kids to be the kind of people I would choose to be around even if they weren't family. That has not stopped them from making choices sometimes that I cringe at.....but that is part of growing up. They are both really good kids. They see kids who were raised without much in the way of guidance and direction and, as much as they might have been unhappy from time to time about some of our rules and reactions, they are grateful to have been raised in a way which has opened rather than closed doors for them.....
My mom has a saying, "The same fire that melts butter hardens iron."
And I was once friends with a woman, married to a judge, who herself had her Master's degree. Both came from worldly and well travelled families, and graduated from private, Catholic colleges/universities, went to Mass every Sunday, were involved in their kids' schooling, lived in what is considered to be "the" best school district in the state and attended "the" best schools within the district.Both her boys have grown up with some serious issues and have rebelled. While they were young she was very judgemental about the parenting skills of others. (This mom was horrified when I allowed my 7 y.o daughter to have a clock-radio (so she could begin setting her alarm in the morning for school). She couldn't believe I would let my daughter have "unfettered" access to radio stations where she might hear music not meant for little ears....)..Karma can be interesting.
I was friends with a woman whose daughter was in my daughter's class. She prides herself on her "maternal inclinations" but that mainly consists of hoping her children will "pick up on" her values, her work ethic, etc., while she does everything for them. Basically, she did everything for her daughter--any time there was an opportunity for the girl to grow, like ordering her own food at a restaurant at the age of 12, mama would step in because she was sure her daughter was too shy or too indecisive to do this by herself. Meanwhile, around the preteen years, the girl learned that the best way to get her mother to pay attention to her was to be hungry. So no matter what--depressed, sad, angry, whatever--mama would shovel food at her and all would be well.
Well, now she's 18. She's dropped out of high school because her mother didn't have the time to do all the homework for her. I bet she has about a 7th grade education. She's "sick" with digestive problems, probably because no one has ever actually tried exercise and diet to combat all the symptoms. She sits and watches TV all day long and eats. There is absolutely no hope of her ever getting a job--she wouldn't even know how to make a phone call to a potential employer. She never learned to ride a bike, or skate, or now, drive a car. I have seen her mother help her put on and tie her shoes within the last year. There was nothing wrong with this kid when she was little--her mother has crippled her, and there's a younger son, now about 7, who is going down the same road all because of my friend's pride in her "strong maternal instincts."
I think it is important to love the child and to be open eyed yourself.
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Then she hit puberty. Dear Lord Jesus things changed fast. 
