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Old 11-05-2009, 05:51 PM
 
Location: USA
1,864 posts, read 2,806,166 times
Reputation: 1825

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Quote:
just when i thought my dear cousin was safe, her adult son and his family are movin on in.
poor woman she is office manager and already carries the weight of the world for the family biz.
it reminds me when baby spiders eat their mothers.
If she didn't want him moving in, he wouldn't be.....some people enjoy the sympathy from being "put upon."
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Old 11-09-2009, 11:54 AM
 
317 posts, read 573,350 times
Reputation: 198
At 79 years of age, my mother decided to run away from her three daughters, just to make her son happy. He set his mind to being the only heir and she wanted to make him happy. She knows what she did is wrong, but the sad part is she was planning to do this for a long time. She not only thru her daughters away, she does not associate with our children or grandchildren.
My sister and I live close to my mom so we spent every holiday together. My mother told our relatives she never sees us just to make us look bad and justify what she was planning on doing. I know it is hard to believe but it is the truth.
What I want to say is that I am 51 years old and my mother walked out of my life over a year ago. Emotionally, even at my age, I can't begin to tell you how painful it is knowing that your own mother doesn't want to be part of your life. Being a mother isn't some type of game you can just stop when you get tired of playing it. It is the most important roll you will ever have in your life. Yes, I have gotten really mad at my son and daughter many times, but we worked it out. I would never run away from them.
If the person that gave your children life isn't going to be there thru good times and bad, how will they be able to trust anyone.
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Old 11-09-2009, 06:13 PM
 
Location: USA
1,864 posts, read 2,806,166 times
Reputation: 1825
Quote:
At 79 years of age, my mother decided to run away from her three daughters, just to make her son happy. He set his mind to being the only heir and she wanted to make him happy. She knows what she did is wrong, but the sad part is she was planning to do this for a long time. She not only thru her daughters away, she does not associate with our children or grandchildren.
My sister and I live close to my mom so we spent every holiday together. My mother told our relatives she never sees us just to make us look bad and justify what she was planning on doing. I know it is hard to believe but it is the truth.
It isn't hard for me to believe, not at all.

Quote:
Emotionally, even at my age, I can't begin to tell you how painful it is knowing that your own mother doesn't want to be part of your life.
My mother is in her '80s and doesn't want to be part of my life; never even phones her grandchildren and they're the only ones she will ever have - but because I am part of the picture, she ignores them.

It doesn't hurt me anymore. It just validated that all my perceptions as a child/teen/adult were TRUE. It doesn't matter; I have my own family.......she is only hurting herselfl and she's too selfish to even realize it.

I honestly think my mother is the coldest woman I have ever known.
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Old 11-10-2009, 06:21 AM
 
317 posts, read 573,350 times
Reputation: 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundance View Post
It isn't hard for me to believe, not at all.



My mother is in her '80s and doesn't want to be part of my life; never even phones her grandchildren and they're the only ones she will ever have - but because I am part of the picture, she ignores them.

It doesn't hurt me anymore. It just validated that all my perceptions as a child/teen/adult were TRUE. It doesn't matter; I have my own family.......she is only hurting herselfl and she's too selfish to even realize it.

I honestly think my mother is the coldest woman I have ever known.
OMG, I feel like you are describing my mother!! They are very selfish and I thought I was going crazy. I also had the feeling something wasn't right. She feels you should never compliment your children because they will grow up conceded. The outcome is now she has three daughters that have no confidence and take antidepressants. We could write a book. Thanks for writing that post.
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Old 11-10-2009, 07:09 AM
 
Location: USA
1,864 posts, read 2,806,166 times
Reputation: 1825
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYLIER View Post
OMG, I feel like you are describing my mother!! They are very selfish and I thought I was going crazy. I also had the feeling something wasn't right. She feels you should never compliment your children because they will grow up conceded. The outcome is now she has three daughters that have no confidence and take antidepressants. We could write a book. Thanks for writing that post.
Believe me, there's much more I could write. At one point in my life - years and years ago, I considered suicide very strongly. What stopped me was the realization that, if I did it, no one would care. (My father was killed in a wreck, when I was a child. My mother never remarried - don't think she likes men very much......)

Anyway, it's okay to realize that you are really all alone in this world. That frees you, to cut ties with TOXIC people, and find your OWN family.

Don't worry, hon. If she has thrown away you all for her son, she is the real loser here. Enjoy your husband, and your children. As long as you have people to give your love to, you'll be allright! I can vouch for this; I know my mother doesn't give a rip about me......and I don't care.

It doesn't matter anymore. You will get there, too.

I won't get anything from my mother, either - my older sister lives with her and I'm sure she will leave her house to my sister, but........so what? I have a family, a husband and children, and my sister has nothing....no husband, no children, no friends.........it sucks to be mommy's favorite!

So be of good cheer!
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Old 11-10-2009, 03:09 PM
 
5,581 posts, read 8,288,663 times
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My parents both abandoned me - my dad when I was 9 and my mother soon after. From a child's perspective, let me just tell you that abandonment doesn't help. It only makes a bad situation worse.
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:49 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,142 times
Reputation: 10
I am sure my situation is not that extraordinary. My 17-year-old son has begun to use every expletive in my face when he doesn't like the way a conversation is going. Over time he has been becoming more this way, where he doesn't seem to care about the consequences from showing this immense disrespect. He has even called the police on me before when I raised my temper enough to show him how angry he had made me.

He will turn 18 in late May and graduate from HS in June. I've already taken the privilege from him to use our old beat-up car to get to and from school and to go out with his friends whenever he wants. He's riding the bus to school and can only use the car to get to doctor appointments and on days he has to stay late at school. But the other day he pushed me way too far with the expletives and told me he can do whatever the F he wants, among other things. I was planning to pay most of his way through college (he's a fairly smart kid), but now I am reconsidering. In fact, he upset me so much that I have considered leaving because I cannot kick him out (legally).

My wife and I have been going to counseling for almost a year. Sometimes the advice seems to work, but sometimes I think he can see through it and resorts to this extreme behavior. I kept my cool the other night, but he did not. So the advice did not do me any good. He knows our boundaries, but he regularly violates them. My wife usually gives him hugs and kisses to make him feel better, so I end up being the bad guy and his behavior continues to worsen.

I am frankly tired of it and have been considering moving out until he's old enough to legally kick out. If I don't keep myself separated from him, I swear one of these days I am going to lose my control and kick is arse so bad I'll end up in jail. Our family is technically still "intact" (I am not separated or divorced).

This thread has given me some perspective that seems similar to what our counselor has been telling us and I would like to thank you all for contributing to it. But as I said, sometimes (a lot of times) it just doesn't work. So my question is, how can I continue to live in my own home and avoid having these volatile confrontations with my son? I am 54 years old and my heart isn't doing well these days. I truly don't know how much more of it I can take, and I am at a loss as to what to do next.

I appreciate any insight anyone can offer.

FYI, my mother is like yours, Sundance. Our relationship is finally on the repair, and she just turned 80 this year. But she is seriously the most evil woman I have ever known. Perhaps she believes she still has time to make things right in God's eyes. I have news for her...
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Denver area
17,116 posts, read 12,429,580 times
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You are only 54 and you have heart problems? I hope you are seeking medical help for that.

You are tired of dealing with a 17 yo that ostensibly you've helped raised to this point, so you're considering moving out to leave your wife to deal with him until you can kick him out? How is that helping anything or anyone but you? It certainly won't help your marriage. It's not setting a good example for your son in how a man deals with challenges in his family.

I don't know what the answer for you is but leaving so someone else can deal with it I'm pretty sure isn't it. JMHO though.
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:10 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,142 times
Reputation: 10
I totally realize that and have discussed it with my wife, which is why I posted. Neither of us could think of a good solution, and I don't WANT to leave her OR home. I just feel that I may eventually lose control and someone will get hurt if I stay and have more confrontations. At this point I am in self preservation mode. It won't do anyone in the family any good if I die of a heart attack. Heart and circulatory problems run in my family. Luck of the draw.
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Old 03-31-2011, 03:14 PM
 
18,868 posts, read 16,002,659 times
Reputation: 24933
I did send one of my son's to live with his Father when he was 15, he was mixing with the wrong group of kids at his school, and just going down a bad path. Plus, he was not following the rules of our home, and just not behaving appropriately. He went to live with his Dad, an ex Military Police Sargent, and prior prison warden...for real!...when he came home to visit for Christmas, he had really straightened up. Begged me to let him come back...nope...he was with his Father, where he needed to be...after being with his Dad, he so much appreciated Mama...I am very fortunate to have such a great ex husband, who is an excellent Father. My son was told that being with his Dad was best for him. And it was. He went to ROTC, went to basic training when he was 17, now in the military, just like his Dad. And doing very well. So, I think that sometimes, for some kids, a change of environment, and a different parenting style, works...nothing wrong with that. My daughter now lives with her Father as well, but that is because she prefers living in the country, to the city, where I live...

Last edited by jasper12; 03-31-2011 at 03:15 PM.. Reason: edit
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