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I have done both, SAHM, working mom and quite frankly all children should have a stay at home parent or at least a parent that can be home when they are home from school. This is not a debate about SAHM vs working moms it is about reality. There are just NOT enough hours in the day to get everything done if you work full time and have kids so everyone/everything gets the attention it needs. Something always has to give and more often then not it is the kids. You always hear complaints about sick leave policies at work or parents that can't help at school because of work or parents that can't make it to conferences because of work. It isn't intentional, again, it is reality-your job is much less flexible then your kids.
Obviously there are those that don't have a choice but more people would be able to make it on one salary if that was the norm in society vs the exception. If everyone started their lives with the intention of living off one salary you would be amazed at how easy it would be to continue that once the kids came along (and you would have a nice bank account to go along with that).
I might also add - against popular belief - a very wise person once told me, if you have a choice to be home when they are a baby or be home when they are in school, be home when they are in school. As much as it might break your heart to send them to daycare when they are babies, they need you more to be there when they remember it, when they are more likely to be influenced by peers, or have good or bad days to share with you.....Just a thought.
This is sooooooooooo true! In that regard, I did it right.
To the OP, I've done both SAHM and WP. I regret not finding a happy medium and working part-time. It was difficult being a full time working mother. I quit when it became obvious that I couldn't do both things well---missing too much work due to children being sick, etc. I really wish I had simply cut back to part-time.
First, I became a zombie after a few years. Staying home is very isolating and not mentally challenging.
Second, the financial impact on my household slowly became desperate as the cost of living increased. At first, we had it made financially. As the cost of living increased, we made sacrifices. One day, we were in a desperate situation because I put off returning to work for too long. We had drained our savings, the cars and appliances were all breaking at once, etc.
Two years ago, I returned to work part time. It's the perfect blend. It helps keep the family finances on track but allows me to have the flexibility to be home when my family needs me to be.
I work 3 days a week and I still find myself wishing I could be home more. My job as a pharmacist is very inflexible such that if I don't show up (sick kids, etc), and if they are unable to find anyone to cover my shift, they just don't open. (you can imagine how well that goes over with the folks trying to get their meds that day...they of course couldn't care less that my child or myself is sick.) On the days I am off, I feel pressure to get all the household chores done and the shopping, etc and so I still feel like I am not spending enough time with the kids. My income has always been the larger of the two between my husband and I, even with me working only part time, so I cannot afford to quit, esp. since we are now separated. I really agree with some of the above posts...you can't get that precious time back with your kids once it is gone, it is gone forever and they do grow up so fast.
I have done both, SAHM, working mom and quite frankly all children should have a stay at home parent or at least a parent that can be home when they are home from school. This is not a debate about SAHM vs working moms it is about reality. There are just NOT enough hours in the day to get everything done if you work full time and have kids so everyone/everything gets the attention it needs. Something always has to give and more often then not it is the kids. You always hear complaints about sick leave policies at work or parents that can't help at school because of work or parents that can't make it to conferences because of work. It isn't intentional, again, it is reality-your job is much less flexible then your kids.
Obviously there are those that don't have a choice but more people would be able to make it on one salary if that was the norm in society vs the exception. If everyone started their lives with the intention of living off one salary you would be amazed at how easy it would be to continue that once the kids came along (and you would have a nice bank account to go along with that).
Just FYI, not all jobs are that inflexible. In fact, we relocated away from our families to an area where we both work, make great salaries, and work full time, but flex time schedules. If we can fit 4+ hours every weekday into doing house renovations, and additionally still be able to cook homemade meals, clean the house, and spend time with each other, I highly doubt I will be ignoring our kids. I did not have a stay at home parent, and I am quite grateful for the way my childhood, and my adulthood turned out.
I had every intention of returning to work right away when I had my son but when my 12 weeks of maternity leave were up and I looked at my itty bitty defenseless baby and I just couldn’t bring myself to leave him while I went to work. So I quit my job and stayed home for 6 months, then my boss started calling and calling AND calling. Finally I took her up on her (very juicy) offer and returned to work. I was making a ton of money and was able to afford the very best daycare in the area but I still felt bad leaving my baby with some one while I worked all day. It didn’t help that my job was so deadline oriented that one day when daycare was closed due to snow she actually made me bring the baby into the office so I wouldn’t miss the day. Completely distracting, I was an unproductive employee and a horrible mother that day. I quit again soon after that when I wrapped up my project.
I went back to staying at home until my son was about 18 months old. It simply was not for me, we had moved to a new state where I didn’t know anyone and didn’t have access to transportation. I was completely isolated and very lonely and lacked motivation, what I can know do quickly on a Saturday morning (cleaning the whole house) was starting to take me all week and I started to get social anxiety. I took one job that simply didn’t pay enough to justify working and then I finally found my current job which thankfully pays enough and I have made many friends here. My work now is heavy on overtime but only on a quarterly basis, in between quarters it is very flexible. So when I am working long hours my DH is home alone with my son at night and if my son gets sick or has an appointment, event at daycare it’s my DH who goes. It’s tough but I make enough extra money during this overtime period to get/do something nice for all of us. When I’m not working late it’s me who stays home for a sick boy, goes to doctors appointments/field trips etc.
I think in a couple of years when my son starts school we may need to rethink my work arrangement but for now this works J
Also to the OP, when you are doing your budget and figuring out whether or not you can afford to stay home don’t forget to look at the hidden costs of working to see if you can even afford to keep your job!! Besides the obvious daycare costs you also should account for gas/public transportation/parking costs, work clothes, lunches outside the home and A LOT more dinners out (trust me there will be some days when taking care of baby and getting your work done is it, you will not have time to cook!) your grocery bill may also go up as you’ll have less time to shop around and just go with what is convenient! Many little things are cheaper when you don’t have to leave the house
I grew up with a working mother and sure I wish she could have come on a field trip at least once but it really made me the strong independent person that I am today. And I don’t hold any ill will against my mother for not being there; after all she was off working so we could have a decent life. Now had I been left home with a nanny so my mom could go globe trotting without having to “bother” with her children I would feel differently! But in the end she was doing the best she could and I am grateful for that.
Starry- Yes it's possible to work and be great parents...but just remember, you haven't actually HAD the child yet. You can make all the plans in the world but sometimes, things just don't go according to plans. Babies, toddlers, children, teens - they are all individuals with individual needs some of which may be totally unanticipated. They may not fit into your tidy little plans. Kids are NOT like home renovation - their needs can't always be scheduled to your convenience. It is much harder (no matter whether you work or stay home) than you think it will be. Hope it all works out as planned for you but just be willing to go with the flow in case it doesn't! And most of all? Have fun!
Last edited by maciesmom; 11-05-2009 at 09:24 AM..
Reason: clarity - rethought
Before I had kids and right up until my first was born, I worked two jobs, my regular day job as a scientist, and then two nights per week teaching community college. I really enjoyed both and intended to continue both after my baby was born. I took 3 months off for maternity leave and then went back part-time for another 3 months before returning full-time to my day job. I never went back to my night job. I enjoyed teaching and was doing it because I liked it, not for the money, but I found that I wanted to be with my baby more. I intend to go back to teaching some day, but for now I've given it up. When my second baby was born, I took off for 4 months of maternity leave and then went back part-time for another 2 months. So with both kids, I didn't go back full-time until they were 6 months old. In my field, it would be very hard to come back after leaving entirely for several years because things change so rapidly that your skills would become obsolete, so I don't think it's a good idea for me to stay home full-time. But I think that part-time work was a good situation for me, and I do consider going back to that some time in the future.
Here are some ways that I make going back to work work for my family. I breastfeed when we are together and that gives us a special bond that they can't share with anyone else. I pump while at work, which gives me times during work when I am thinking of them, which helps me feel connected to them. I also visit them at daycare on my lunch break. They go to a family home daycare where I feel very comfortable with their environment and care. We co-sleep at night, and that provides us with some additional quiet cuddly bonding time.
My mom was a working mom and what I remember about this from my childhood is that I wished she could come into school for the special classroom parties like the other moms. But those were infrequent, and I don't otherwise feel like I didn't have enough time with her.
I went back to staying at home until my son was about 18 months old. It simply was not for me...
One thing rarely spoken of is a working mother deciding to be home and then realizing that the isolation of full time motherhood is not something she has anticipated. There is just not the support system there--neighbors, other full time mothers, etc--that there was back in our parents' time. I will say that the experience of being home for six months when my oldest was a baby drove me back to part time work.
Also, realize that working when you have one child is of course entirely different than working with two or more. The workload (both ends, home and paid work) seems to increase at an exponential rate as each child is born.
Three: be prepared for middle school and beyond, when there is no daycare and their problems cannot be solved with a story and a nap. I know I never realized how tricky it was to work outside the home when our kids were older.
I'm a working mother who has tried everything: being a stay at home mom, working part-time and working full time. Here's what I've found:
SAHM: It was nice to be able to create a schedule around my kids and the playgroups and special activities in our community. Also, if one of my kids was sick it I could take them to the doctor right away and never had to worry about getting time off of work.
On the negative side, I felt very isolated. I'm a type-A person and there were times when I thought that if I sat in another music time circle singing Old McDonald one more time I'd go insane. I tried to form friendships with women in my community and church, but all of their conversations revolved around kids, which I found to be frustrating. Also, it was very difficult for us to pay our bills on one income.
Part time worker: This was definitely the best option for me. I did it from when my kids were 2 and 4 until they were both in school full time. I was able to ease back into a career I really enjoy while spending lots of time with my kids who enjoyed being in daycare part time. The extra income wasn't much, but helped pay our bills and take pressure off of my dh. There were no negatives to this situation other than not being able to take on some of the more beefier assignments at work b/c of time constraints.
Full time worker: This is where I've been for the past few years, but I'm expecting a baby in January and thinking about switching back to part time. I enjoy being a full time staff member at my office, I love my coworkers and having a full-time paycheck makes our lives much easier. My kids are only in after-school care for two hours a day so I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything. All of their activities don't start until 5:30 p.m. b/c most parents around here work full time.
On the negative side, I feel like I never get a break. It's basically: Get ready for work, get the kids ready for school, drive kids to school, drive to work, pick up kids from school and take them to activities, go home and serve crock-pot dinner, clean the house, get kids ready for bed and collapse. Weekends are spent catching up on more time consuming chores and grocery shopping and church.
With daycare costs, working full time probably won't be worth the crazy schedule.
I would suggest that you think about requesting a flexible or part-time schedule if your profession would allow it rather than quitting all together. You can always shift gradually into becoming a stay at home mom if you decide that's best for you and your family.
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