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This is a 19 year old a 14 year old... at 14 that child does not have the mental capacity to fully understand what she is doing... at 19 the man does... that is why there is a LAW... to protect the innocence of that 14 year old who does not know better.... simple...
Do you REALLY think a 14 year old doesn't know any better? Oh, Please! Putting your head in the sand is dangerous parenting.
I am not seeing anywhere that the OP feels here daughter is blameless and the boy is the total problem. She IS handling things with her daughter but it seems that she is also giving fair warning to the boy. I don't see anything wrong with that. He has been warned and his mom has been made aware. She has NOT reported him or pressed charges but I don't see the harm in getting the young man or his parents in the frame of mind where they are being made aware of the possibilities if this continues. Because this almost 19 y.o. is still in HS it is a little different than a 19 y.o. in college but even so I would not want my 14 y.o. involved with a 19 (or 18) y.o. - my son or my daughter. I think the protectiveness issue has more to do with protecting the younger of the two that the gender.
Do you REALLY think a 14 year old doesn't know any better? Oh, Please! Putting your head in the sand is dangerous parenting.
No, not as an adult would.... Children grow cognitively throughout their teen years.... here is a tidbit of information if you would like to read about it... unfortunately I found only ages 15-18... but you can see what I mean if you read it.....
...I would not want my 14 y.o. involved with a 19 (or 18) y.o. - my son or my daughter.
I wouldn't either. Unlike you, I feel the OP is sending her daughter the wrong message by focusing on HIM more than her. She said that her daughter is starting to see his true colors. The OP has been ranting on her daughter about HIS inappropriateness. That's not going to do the OP or the daughter any good in the long run. And that's mostly what I was trying to convey when I started posting in this thread.
I'd like to applaud the OP for not pressing charges, but the girl claims they didn't have sex so there are no charges to press anyway. That said, he has been fairly warned of the risks of criminal charges so he's an utter idiot if he does have sex with her daughter.
Makes you wonder if his parents ever bothered to explain the law to him. Many of us posted in a different thread about the importance of having this talk with older teenage boys. It's our responsibility as parents to make sure our children understand the law. Not everyone knows it on their own.
I notice that people are adding to the stigma of their age differences by continuing to refer to him as a "man" and her as a "child". The reality is that they are both teenagers who attend the same high school. They are both teenagers! They both attend the same school! Some of you are making her sound like a tiny helpless child who requires protecting and he a grown man behaving like a perverted pedophile. Sheesh!
I notice that people are adding to the stigma of their age differences by continuing to refer to him as a "man" and her as a "child". The reality is that they are both teenagers who attend the same high school. They are both teenagers! They both attend the same school! Some of you are making her sound like a tiny helpless child who requires protecting and he a grown man behaving like a perverted pedophile. Sheesh!
So, true! They are at the same place in their lives. That's why I have referred to them as teenagers.
I feel the OP is sending her daughter the wrong message by focusing on HIM more than her. She said that her daughter is starting to see his true colors. The OP has been ranting on her daughter about HIS inappropriateness.
Again, I don't think we can know that the OP is focusing MORE on him than on her. My feeling would be that I understand a little more the attractiveness that a younger teen might feel toward an older one (makes them feel more mature and cool) but in a relationship of that age difference, at that point in their lives, the 18/19 y.o. is more inclined to be "in the driver's seat" so to speak. The relationship is not likely to be on equal footing like one between two more closely aged teens would tend to be (not always of course). A parent pointing that out is just parenting, not necessarily exusing their own child's behavior.
So, true! They are at the same place in their lives. That's why I have referred to them as teenagers.
A 14 y.o. and a 19 y.o. are hardly at the same place in their lives. If they are, there is most likely a problem somewhere. A 19 y.o (or a senior in HS who is younger even) should be making plans for his/her future as an adult. A 14 y.o. is looking ahead to his/her high school experiences yet. A LOT changes (or should) during those 4 years.
I did read that it wasn't her usual behavior. That's why I posted my opinion that you should be focusing on HER and not wasting your time on the boy. It sends the message to her that it's not her fault. Losing a cell phone is not a big punishment for what she did.
I'm not saying that she's a sex-crazed tramp. But she is 14. And you couldn't have said it better, this is her FIRST time. You have a LONG way to go until she's 18. You can't base her teenage behavior on past sweetness. This could be just the start. My kids never cut school at such a young age---or any age for that matter. I have a fear that you'll look back on this and wish you had seen the red flag. Send her a strong message from the start---and that message should hold her 100% accountable for herself. Otherwise, your message isn't strong enought.
All this girl is hearing from you is how terrible THIS BOY is. In her mind, that means that it's okay to do this with a sweet 13 year old boy from a very nice family. THAT'S what you're implying when you spend your efforts trashing this boy and pointing out his "true colors." I wish you would realize it.
I'm not posting here to trash your daughter. I'm trashing your handling of this situation if anything.
ONCE AGAIN, did you even READ what I posted?? This is from page one:
Quote:
Originally Posted by KsStorm
Thanks for the help. I've cooled off a bit now, but still pretty angry. My daughter is normally a very good girl, great student, etc. This isn't like her at all. I used to be a "Wild Child" as a teen, & remember it well. I don't know if they are having sex, but it certainly is a concern! If the boy is online, he obviously didn't go back to school w/ the principal, like my daughter did. Maybe because he's 17, will be 18 in a few weeks. She was already grounded for being w/ him last Sunday & lost her cell,computer & landline privileges ,etc.
I can't believe she thought she would get away w/ this. I have the boy's address, I think I will go talk to his parents when my husband gets home. I just wanted to be aware of the law, if it came to that.
We have grounded her,which means not only means no cell, but no computer, no (landline) phone, no going to school functions, to friends' houses, not even to her youth group at church! And the school put her in ISS for 2 days ( In school suspension), but I am sure you missed that, as well. Bascially she has no contact w/ the outside world except at school.
What else should we do, put bars on the windows, lock her in her room ??
Wish people would simply READ, before spouting off. It's getting really tiresome & redundant.
I think the OP is making the mistake of relying on others and not her daughter.
She can tell someone to stay away until she is blue in the face, but in the end it's her daughter she really needs to control.
Geez, you just don't get it, do you!
The OP did what she had to do. She found out the truth about his age by talking to his mom, which made it even MORE pertinent to talk to him and let him know her stance on the situation. She warned him about his behavior, basically put HIM on notice, IN ADDITION to dealing with her daughter. She's covered the bases she needs to cover. Now all she can do is wait. If he's no longer around, GOOD. If he is, he's only asking for her to follow thru on with whatever she told him.
And dammit, if my son ever turns out to be such a damn fool as this kid is, you damn well better believe I'll be thanking the other parent for letting me know what this fool legal adult son of mine is doing IN MY HOUSE. If I find out a second time, his ass is OUT. I wouldn't be such a damn fool to protect my son from his own damn stupidity at that age. I sure as hell don't want some parent knocking on my door with their underage pregnant daughter. But then, I have standards.
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ONCE AGAIN, did you even READ what I posted?? This is from page one:
