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Ok, so anyone that's been around for a while knows I am a child care provider, so from MY side I say you must speak to the provider before jumping to conclusions. To declare the person guilty without a discussion is not a smart, nor fair thing to do.
Flip it around and imagine what could happen. Say the child comes to the provider and says mom is calling her fat and she is crying and very upset. The provider might jump to conclusions too. Does the mom really want to be considered rude without having the chance to talk about it? No. Give the same consideration to the provider.
I had a child tell his mom I had choked him. Yes. Choked him. He began to wander off from our group in a large outdoor field trip and didn't respond to my calling him to come back and people got in between us before I could get to him, so I reached for him and got the hood of his coat. The hood pulled against him and that was his definition of choking. Mom believed him completely and was livid....until the owner of the center told her she was at the front of the line and had witnessed the entire thing. Had I not gotten a hold of his hood he might have gotten lost. He had tried to get away from us numerous times and almost accomplished it that time because of cutting quickly away. I most certainly did not choke that child but that's the story he went home with.
Children very often come out of a situation thinking something quite different than what happened or what was meant. Find out before you go any further. Please.
^I've got to agree with this. That's why I said earlier that there was surely some miscommunication between the 4 yr old and the adult.
hypocore I know you are a day care provider and I too am one which is why my earlier response was talk to the provider....
I had a child once tell the Mom that I tried to give him red wine.......luckily the Mom knew enough to call me first and it took me forever to realize what he was talking about. He told his Mom that I tried to get all the kids drunk today.
What I had done was offer them" Raspberry Lime" drinks it was red and I guess it sounded like wine.
I am hoping the OP speaks to the provider and fills us in because there are so many accusations and assumptions flying around here and that is a perfect example how things get out of hand.
If in fact the provider did this then action should be taken.
That is between the parent and the provider.
Hope I am sorry but you really need to chill...I know you feel justified here for some reason but you do not know the OP or the Provider so I say lets all wait and see the outcome.
Thank you for the advice, I will be taking her in for her 4 yr wellness visit next week and I will speak to her pediatrician at that time. I think I will call Alice later today and tell her what my daughter said lastnight and that I am concernrd. I do have alternate daycare if needed.
My daughter is not lumpy at all - she's smooth and solid...I dont know how else to say it. She is also very strong - she helps carry in groceries and will carry a 12 pack of soda on one side and a gallon of milk on the other without any struggles. She's just big. As for percentiles she off the charts in height, weight, and head circumference and at her last wellness visit her pediatrician said she was healthy, there were no concerns. As for family history- both my husband and myself are on the smaller side so having a tall child is sort of funny. Both of our grandparents were over 6' tall we just assumed that gene skipped a few generations.
My daughter is extremely active most of the time. She has JRA so every once in awhile she'll have a few weeks where she physically can't run around but thankfully she hasn't had a flare up in awhile. For Christmas this year instead of giving presents that she will get sick of in a week we're putting her in dance, karate and swimming. In the spring we wanted to do soccer and t-ball. She is not the type of child to sit and watch tv. She is the girl that runs laps around the yard with the dogs and races everyone to everything in life.
Oh boy. Welcome to the fun world of raising girls. I see fat men all of the time, hanging out on the beach with their guts so far over the front of their pants, it's a miracle they can even get them on. They're prancing like they own the world. Then, there's the women who have decent figures, trying to hide behind a sarong or beach towel because they don't look like a supermodel. Gawd. I think that raising girls is the hardest job. But, as much as we'd like to change society's views on beauty and health, we would only succeed in making a small dent.
The reality is that your daughter is going to have someone say something unkind to her some time in her life and it's up to you to turn her into the kid who says, "whatever" (preferably with the attitude-full headshake) instead of letting it traumatize her forever. I know she's only 4 and it WAS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE WHAT YOUR DAYCARE PROVIDER SAID, but start her out early with high self-esteem and you won't have to start from scratch when she is a teenager. My very good friend is totally focused on weight. She is always on one diet or another. Her two daughters are beautiful and healthy. One of them is an excellent swimmer and was on the swim team for about 3 years. Last year, a girl from another team walked by and said to her friends, "look at that fat girl", pointing at her, and that was it. She stopped swimming. That is not the kid you want to raise...she was nowhere near fat.
However, it is important that you talk to your pediatrician. Only the doctor can give you the true facts on whether your daughter is overweight. One study after another indicates that parents of kids who ARE overweight don't see them that way, so you need to see someone with an objective opinion. Every kid is different and as long as yours is healthy, involving her in sports and activities is only going to benefit her in the long run. My daughter is in swimming and it's fantastic.
My daughter was 8 lbs 14 oz at birth. That was the last time she was on the growth chart. I breastfed her for a year but her 1-year birthday dress was size 24 months. She is 7 but wears a size 10/12. She has a shoe size of 4/5. She's a big kid. But, her BMI is right on and that's what the doctor said to focus on. She's off the growth charts so that point is moot. I can't get her to shrink. She doesn't have fat rolls, her stomach is totally flat and she doesn't have any indication of saddle bags (that's usually where little kids start putting on "fat weight"). But, we also know that she is probably going to have to work at keeping her weight down so we make sure she's active, she doesn't eat a lot of junk food, we don't drink soda in our house anyway and we cut the sugar-free juice with 3/4 water. She's not going to be one of those kids who look like a strong wind can blow them over, so we focus instead of what's great about being her size. It's one small step but such an important one when raising girls and getting them ready for the hell that is their teenage years.
Make sure she's not overweight when you go to the doctor and then accept that there's a good chance she's going to stick out amongst her classmates when she starts school. Start now declaring her size as "awesome" and watch her self-esteem grow. Kids asked my daughter things like "why are you so big?" She replied, "Because my mom and dad and family is tall." They accepted that and now she's right in the middle of the pack. You don't want to raise the kid with hunched over shoulders because she's trying to hide her height. You also don't want to raise the kid who doesn't know how to respond when someone says something unkind.
As for your daycare provider, I would call her immediately and ask her why she used the word "fat" when talking to your daughter. Even if she said something like "eating another cookie is going to make you fat", and not "you're fat"...just remember that this is a person who your child has developed a trust in. It's the same as if a relative implied she was fat. I would tell her that your daughter was very upset at her using the word "fat" and that you don't want to hear that she said it again. I wouldn't be nice about it, but I would also not pull her out of an otherwise good situation. People are going to say unkind things to her...this was only the 1st. Until she is old enough to tell people to "kiss off", you'll have to let those people know that their comments are not okay.
^I've got to agree with this. That's why I said earlier that there was surely some miscommunication between the 4 yr old and the adult.
I know that there are plenty of kids who misconstrue an adult's words or actions and turn them into something they're not, but I would refer back to what the initial post said:
"Last night when I picked her up she was sad, this is very unusual as she's a very happy energetic child! I asked her what was wrong and she just gave me a hug, put her boots and jacket on and we left. At dinner she was quiet and didn't eat very much - she just kind pushed her food around. Last night before reading stories at bedtime I asked her how her day was and she burst into tears saying "Alice" said I'm fat! She was hysterical for over 20 minutes."
Something went on that day. The word "fat" was used...probably unkindly and if "Alice" is a decent daycare provider, she probably regretted it as soon as it came out of her mouth.
Adults aren't perfect but since we are the "grown ups" we have to take responsibility. I would not spend any more time trying to guess what happened. I'd talk to "Alice" immediately. And...remember, adults can make stuff up just as easily as kids can. If "Alice" doesn't come up with something that sounds reasonable, or if she doesn't admit she made a mistake and it will never happen again, then I'd consider pulling her out. Find out what happened and resolve it. Her daughter has been dealt her first "blow" and it won't be the last. But, if "Alice" doesn't seem to know what she's talking about or she doesn't have a good story, I'd think twice about what that says to her daughter if she voluntarily puts her in a situation that starts to tear down her self-esteem.
I say things all the time that my wife takes the wrong way which can and has resulted in an arguement and/or hard feelings....and couch time....
Now we're two adults. What's to say that this 4 year old couldn't have incorrectly heard something 'Alice' said and then been hurt by it? It's entirely possible that 'Alice' may have no clue that the child was made sad by something she said. And when confronted she may feel as though she's being blindsided and have a 'deer in headlights' sort of look on her face.
Just saying that there's no need to whip out the 'Jump-to-conclusions' mat.....this is likely some big misunderstanding.
'Alice' may have just said something about this child being a 'big girl'. The OP said it herself that her child is big for her age. Now....if I called an adult woman a 'big girl' that takes on a whole new meaning.....Most would take that as being called 'fat'. Am I wrong?
hypocore I know you are a day care provider and I too am one which is why my earlier response was talk to the provider....
I had a child once tell the Mom that I tried to give him red wine.......luckily the Mom knew enough to call me first and it took me forever to realize what he was talking about. He told his Mom that I tried to get all the kids drunk today.
What I had done was offer them" Raspberry Lime" drinks it was red and I guess it sounded like wine.
I am hoping the OP speaks to the provider and fills us in because there are so many accusations and assumptions flying around here and that is a perfect example how things get out of hand.
If in fact the provider did this then action should be taken.
That is between the parent and the provider.
Hope I am sorry but you really need to chill...I know you feel justified here for some reason but you do not know the OP or the Provider so I say lets all wait and see the outcome.
Thanks cw. If providers acted without discussion on all the things said to us by children about their parents, there would be a hotline directly to child services just for providers. I just think the parents should offer the same respect.
I had a 4 yr old boy tell me that he was left alone all night. What actually happened was that he slept in his own bed alone all night for the very first time.
I had a 5 yr old boy tell me that dad beat him the night before. What actually happened was that they were playing a board game and dad was the winner.
I had a 6 yr old girl tell me that she walked to the mall alone. What actually happened was that mom dropped her and big sister at the entrance since it was pouring and then parked and joined them inside.
I had numerous kids tell me that mom hurt them in some manner and they cried and cried. What actually happened was they ran into mom and got scratched by her ring, or mom turned and didn't know the child was there and hit their head/nose.
I even had a 5 yr old boy tell me that dad was in the hospital and had to have surgery, which turned out to be completely false.
My own daughter, at almost 4 yrs of age, told her child care provider that my car blew up in a very animated way. The teacher was horrified that had happened to me. Um, no. My car's engine block cracked while being driven down the freeway and the term I used was the engine blew.
She wasn't even with me, the car never returned to the house so she never saw it and she didn't understand the context of the phrase, so she told her teacher what she thought was the truth. Thankfully that was a funny misunderstanding.
So, everyone that is jumping to conclusions should step back and think about what all your own kids might say or have said that could be misconstrued before judging someone else so harshly.
I say things all the time that my wife takes the wrong way which can and has resulted in an arguement and/or hard feelings....and couch time....
Now we're two adults. What's to say that this 4 year old couldn't have incorrectly heard something 'Alice' said and then been hurt by it? It's entirely possible that 'Alice' may have no clue that the child was made sad by something she said. And when confronted she may feel as though she's being blindsided and have a 'deer in headlights' sort of look on her face.
Just saying that there's no need to whip out the 'Jump-to-conclusions' mat.....this is likely some big misunderstanding.
'Alice' may have just said something about this child being a 'big girl'. The OP said it herself that her child is big for her age. Now....if I called an adult woman a 'big girl' that takes on a whole new meaning.....Most would take that as being called 'fat'. Am I wrong?
Well what if the 4 yr old took it like that?
There are all kinds of things that get misconstrued. Heck, my husband and I can have an argument over the "tone" and not the words!! Only the mom knows her child, but it sounded like the strange scene at pick-up time, followed by the not eating, melancholy night that followed, is not just a "misunderstood" comment.
No point in second guessing, that's true. She needs to call Alice, tell her what her daughter said, ask her what happened and go from there. If Alice has a bizarre story, I'd be worried. If she has a "deer in headlights" moment, I'd let her know that her daughter took whatever comment was made as calling her "fat" and that from now on, she needs to be careful about what she says. BUT...this is important...not only because I'm a girl, but because I am a parent whose kid is different and therefore am working VERY hard to give her the confidence she needs to deflect rude comments: Girls are sensitive. Most women can probably give you lots of examples of people over the years who have hurt their feelings. Adults who are in positions of authority or respect often inflict the most damage because it comes as such a surprise. It's up to this mom to figure out what happened, but she shouldn't just dismiss her daughter because of her age.
And just for future reference: The term "big girl" should never, ever, ever, ever be used for a female...young or old. If she's tall, call her tall. If she's anything other than tall...just keep your mouth shut. That's a good life lesson.
So, everyone that is jumping to conclusions should step back and think about what all your own kids might say or have said that could be misconstrued before judging someone else so harshly.
Kids say all kinds of stuff. My mom is a teacher and at the beginning of every year, she tells parents, "I'll believe 1/2 of what they're going to tell me about you if you'll believe 1/2 of what they're going to tell you about me."
BUT...this is the big point that caught my attention here. She didn't just say on the way home nonchalantly, "Alice said I was fat." The examples you gave were of kids just talking...misunderstanding what went on and transferring the event into "kid speak." A kid who gets dropped off at the entrance of the mall while the parent parks their car doesn't act weird. They just say something like "my mom left me at the mall." The kid who actually DOES get left at the mall is usually in freak out mode. Same for the kid who says "mom hit me in the face" when the mom turns around and accidentally hits the kid with her hand. That's a huge difference between the kid who is being abused. It's not the words...it's the personality change that takes place in the child.
That is different than what the poster relayed. Her daughter was acting weird from the second she went to pick her up. She was quiet on the way home, didn't want to eat, acting very differently than usual that evening and when the mom finally asked her what was going on, burst into tears.
Kids do misunderstand things all of the time. Kids do make stuff up. But, only a parent can know if their kid is acting strangely. Kids who get their feelings hurt usually act the same, whether they're 4 or 14...they withdraw, they internalize, they occasionally have a cry-and-tell-all-moment if you ask. Something WAS said to this little girl. It may have been offhanded. It may have been mean. If "Alice" is a good daycare provider, she'll know what she said because she'll know when this little girl started to withdraw.
Hope I am sorry but you really need to chill...I know you feel justified here for some reason but you do not know the OP or the Provider so I say lets all wait and see the outcome.
I haven't said anything about the provider.
I merely validated what the OP wanted to start doing for her daughter. Regardless of what the doctor says, the OP still has a good plan!
The people who need to chill out are those who are making a big deal about one word that I used correctly but the world thinks means something worse.
Kids say all kinds of stuff. My mom is a teacher and at the beginning of every year, she tells parents, "I'll believe 1/2 of what they're going to tell me about you if you'll believe 1/2 of what they're going to tell you about me."
BUT...this is the big point that caught my attention here. She didn't just say on the way home nonchalantly, "Alice said I was fat." The examples you gave were of kids just talking...misunderstanding what went on and transferring the event into "kid speak." A kid who gets dropped off at the entrance of the mall while the parent parks their car doesn't act weird. They just say something like "my mom left me at the mall." The kid who actually DOES get left at the mall is usually in freak out mode. Same for the kid who says "mom hit me in the face" when the mom turns around and accidentally hits the kid with her hand. That's a huge difference between the kid who is being abused. It's not the words...it's the personality change that takes place in the child.
That is different than what the poster relayed. Her daughter was acting weird from the second she went to pick her up. She was quiet on the way home, didn't want to eat, acting very differently than usual that evening and when the mom finally asked her what was going on, burst into tears.
Kids do misunderstand things all of the time. Kids do make stuff up. But, only a parent can know if their kid is acting strangely. Kids who get their feelings hurt usually act the same, whether they're 4 or 14...they withdraw, they internalize, they occasionally have a cry-and-tell-all-moment if you ask. Something WAS said to this little girl. It may have been offhanded. It may have been mean. If "Alice" is a good daycare provider, she'll know what she said because she'll know when this little girl started to withdraw.
While I only posted the examples in order to keep it short and due to the fact I had to leave to pick up another child, I didn't include their state of mind. My fault. Each one I listed was either very angry at or scared about the situation with mom/dad when stating this.
The little girl at the mall was terrified of what 'may' have happened even with her big sister with her (age 12 or 13) Mom had assured her that night and thought everything was fine. But it stayed with her and at nap time when she got still and relaxed it all came back to her and she cried and cried over it. I had to make a phone call to mom in order to find out what the deal was so that I could help her in the way she needed.
The worst was the little guy whose dad had won the game. He went on and on and on about it. I finally got him to settle down and ask him more pertinent questions before I discovered that it was all over a board game.
The main point was that, if I had taken them at their literal word without discussion with them and/or their parents, it would have been a whole different story. I could have assumed that dad beat up his son or that mom left her young daughter alone and called CPS on them.
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That's a good life lesson.
